DH and mental health issues. He’s moving out.

[noneedtoberudedear]

Long story short...
DH and I have been having problems since our twins were born 15 months ago. It’s been a rough time. We suffered under before they were born (ivf) moved to a different part of country to be nearer my family and babies were in NICU for first month.

Since their birth I’ve watched DH turn into someone I barely recognise. Disengaged from his family, detached, unhappy, short tempered and just generally sad. Our relationship has become one long saga of arguments and recriminations. He’s always had mental health issues (as have I) but none of the medication, CBT etc. is making much difference. However if for some reason he forgets his meds he can barely hold it together.

I finally had a breakthrough last night where he admitted that he just can’t cope! He says he knows he treats me unfairly but his mental health is so bad he can barely keep it together. He says he thinks he might have a personality disorder? And that he isn’t getting the help he needs. He told me he still loves me but he isn’t capable of being a husband to me at the minute. He says he’s going to move into his own flat as he doesn’t feel like it’s fair/healthy for him to stay.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve said I’ll go to GP with him as I’m genuinely afraid for his MH. We’re also due to start counselling with Relate this week.

Part of me feels sorry for him but relieved he’s finally admitted there’s a problem. The other half wants to strangle him for doing this to me. I’m lost

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras He was totally onboard with having children. I certainly didn’t trap him into it. He was incredibly supportive when we were going through infertility/IVF.
It was a mutual decision to move. We also want to buy at some point and there was zero chance of affording that were we lived. Housing is much more affordable near my parents. He was actually keener to move than I was. Now we are here though he’s found it very hard to adjust.

With regards to his job...I’ve been trying to encourage him to look for something else, gain further qualifications etc. I went to see an excellent careers adviser a few months ago and tried to persuade him to go. He declined saying they’d never been able to help him at school Unfortunately I don’t have the time now to help him with job hunting like I used to. He’s actually the one who doesn’t want me to go back to work yet. He thinks I should be home with the babies while they are still small. I’ve started job searching anyway though as I
Think it will help despite what he thinks.

I have tried to help him with his mental health. I try to encourage him to sleep properly, exercise, eat healthily, but I feel like he’s in denial as to the importance of these things. I’ve also encouraged him with his band even though it takes him away for a full day a week. I want him to have an outlet.

I accept I have been wrapped up with the babies this last 15 months. It’s hard not to though. They were tiny, premature babies that have taken up all my energy.

He might have agreed to those things but, judging by his poor mental health, they probably weren't wise decisions to take at that time.

Each one of those, in isolation, is a stressful event, even in someone with robust mental health (isn't moving house in the top 3 of most stressful life events?). It's obviously taking its toll on him now.

For a person who doesn't like change, having kids AND moving were not wise decisions to make without proper and fully informed medical support.

One of these two cases
A. He doesn't like change- period
B. He only likes some changes and avoids others - very convenient

Your guy seems to fit case B.

Does it really matter though whether it's a or B?

Something is going on with this man. Either he's very well or very unhappy.

He can still leave the relationship even if it's because he's unhappy. Yes it's very sad but relationships do end.

Sure it doesn't matter.
The issue is he is not willing to face reality and know what is going on, he escapes the real world while the kids suffer the consequences

I think you're reaching a bit here.

How are the children suffering?

And I think there's a big difference between being unwilling and being unable.

The parents fighting?
An absent parent?

Sadly relationships do break down though. Its widely understood now that it's not better for parents to stay together for the sake of the children.

If he is that unhappy, or if there is constant arguing, then possibly it is better if they split.

What do you suggest?

@Hithere2 @Hearhoovesthinkzebras Perhaps he doesn’t like change but unfortunately life involves it. He was fully on board for having baby/moving etc. In fact he was more positive and enthusiastic about the move than I was.

Perhaps we should split up. Obviously I don’t want too but I also can’t live like this anymore. I’m hoping Relate will give us some clarity.

He’s currently downstairs on the PS4 despite the fact he has to be at work at 8am. He told me he was coming to bed with me an hour ago! And he wonders why he’s always tired and worn out?

So sorry. Trust your gut.

I’m not really sure what my gut is telling me. I think that’s part of the problem. I know they say your instinct is never wrong, but I’m not so sure...

Yes, I think you're so stressed by the whole awfulness you're stuck.

What are the two things your instinct/counter instincts are saying? Laying it out will help.

@Supersimkin2 I do believe him about his MH being bad, but at the same time I feel he’s also using it as an excuse to check out from us. I feel like he’s picking and choosing what he can and can’t cope with.

I also feel saying he never told me because I always say the babies come first is really unfair. I’ve spent months going mad wondering why I can’t make my marriage work and what I’m doing wrong. It’s almost like he’s blaming me?

Also nothing has changed since we spoke. He’s lain in bed as long as he can every morning all week, sat up on the PS4 until the early hours. I feel totally alone in our relationship. I just feel like shit quite frankly. I’m really hoping Relate can help us. At least to hopefully listen to each other without recriminations.

A good friend of mine came over last night and she’s convinced he’s exaggerating his issues to cover up the fact he just can’t be arsed with the challenges of married life and parenthood. This is a friend who has multiple MH issues so she has plenty of first hand knowledge of what it’s like.

I’m not seeing I agree with her POV but it was a bit of a shock to hear her say it!

Don't confuse listening to your insticts vs not knowing what to do. Those are two different things

You answered the question of gut feeling:
"I do believe him about his MH being bad, but at the same time I feel he’s also using it as an excuse to check out from us"

Now, next is what you plan to do about it, are you going to let him use you?

it's perfectly possible to be medically depressed and manipulative at the same time, particularly if you feel awful.

I agree with your instincts OP and OP's mate - a lot of what you're saying strikes me as 'under the weather but can't be arsed to get better'.

Believe me, if you are severely depressed, you'll do fucking anything to recover. PS4 at 1am? Well, you wouldn't be functioning enough to do that, but even if you were, you'd be so desperate to keep yourself together you'd hit the sack at 6pm with ovaltine if that worked.

He's well enough to function at work and at band practice. Good. Phew. Be thankful for that.

My concern for you is that he's checking out of fatherhood etc because it's no fun and knackering, not because he's ill. Long term, that decision benefits no one.

If the depression was that profound he would be messing up at work & band too, not just at home. He wouldn’t have the energy to look for houses & application forms. His world would be crumbling from multiple angles. It sounds like he wants out of the relationship & his responsibilities. In my experience depression doesn’t make you stop loving the people you truly care about. If anything you feel like crap for being a bad person & failing them. When they threaten to leave unless you change that is often the wake up call a person who is depressed needs to kick start a mental health action plan. In this case his intention is to leave his family because he is depressed. It doesn’t ring true, it’s an excuse so he doesn’t look as bad for leaving his wife & kids.

I will disagree that he would not be up at night, depression can mess with your sleep patterns - people tend to sleep too much or suffer from insomnia during depressive phase.

Your friend with mental health problems is saying the same thing us here with mental problems are telling you. As someone with bipolar it pisses me off whe bc people use mental health problems as an excuse. The ones that like having a label because it benefits them in some way. I never admit to bipolar in real life easily. They would have to find my meds & even then it’s something am not comfortable discussing with anyone.

So he's not helping with the babies when he can?
I kind of agree with your friend I'm afraid. If your mh wasn't great you'd be sorting the babies and be doing your best. He really can't be arsed.

@Hithere2 what should I do about it? That’s not me being sarky at all, but a genuine question? I’ve organised Relate for us. I’ve suggested we don’t try and discuss issues until we’re in the sessions as it’s not productive. Even if he does move out it won’t be overnight so I’m hoping Relate will help clarify my feelings.

I’ve asked him not to hug me etc. as it just feels wrong when he’s telling me he can’t cope with being my husband. Not sure if I’m being petty?

@Supersimkin2 I think he’s addicted to the PlayStation now. I feel like he’s just waiting for me to go to bed so he can jump on it most nights.

The thing that gets me about the band is that he was the one who placed adverts etc to find the other members and it was only a few months ago. He’s still capable of being proactive when he wants!

@prawnsword He’s never had good sleeping patterns, but they are awful now. It annoys me because before the babies were born we discussed how we would need to have earlier nights etc. and he agreed! Now his sleep is worse than ever.

I’m just going round in circles really. Just hanging on for Relate next week. I’m
shattered today as the babies slept really badly last night.

@FraglesRock he does help. He’ll help me get them dressed, change nappies etc. It’s me who gets up with them on a morning though, gives breakfast etc. He’s been lying in bed until I ask him to get up. Then he’ll get dressed and go to work.

It upsets me that he doesn’t really care about spending time with them before work. If I say that though I’m BU

Like I wrote in another post, take charge of your life. Do not let him make decisions for you and the kids.

Honestly, I would give him "permission" to leave to " get his mh under control"
Of course it is not the reality but let him think that.

Stop cooking for him, washing his clothes, having sex with him, everything.
Send him to another bedroom. He is your roommate now.
He has to get used to being a bachelor now and not having a maid/sexual toy/cook/etc.

Stop doing all the work! You said you organize the therapy for both of you. Again be is going anything.

Drop the marital therapy as what makes you think he is going to cooperate? Past history says he did not tell the truth to his doctors and didn't put an effort in cbt.
I don't expect him to take this new therapy seriously.

Look for therapy for yourself. You need to learn to put your kids and mh first. The fact that you do not know what to do and were surprised your friend told you he is using the mh for his advantage is very telling.

Get a lawyer and ask for separation and full and primary custody of your kids. Start requesting child support and setup a visitation so he cannot waltz in and out of your lives as he wished.
No money for a lawyer? You borrow, get a loan, credit cards, get one via the government, pro bono, who cares.
He has no money for a lawyer? Not your problem. He made his own bed and he lays in it.

You do not have a marriage. It is already broken.

Ffs, wake up. He does not want to be a father and a husband. He misses his bachelor life and he manipulates using his mh.

OK what stands out to me is:

I’ve organised Relate for us. I’ve suggested we don’t try and discuss issues until we’re in the sessions as it’s not productive. Even if he does move out it won’t be overnight so I’m hoping Relate will help clarify my feelings.

I’ve asked him not to hug me etc. as it just feels wrong when he’s telling me he can’t cope with being my husband. Not sure if I’m being petty?

It sounds like you’re shutting down the topic because you don’t want to hear it. I think your relate sessions is going to help you accept the reality that the relationship is over & he is moving out. Maybe you feel if you hold off & talk about it in counselling there will be more opportunity to “work together” and “fix” the problem but it sounds like he really wants out & wants.

It’s not about coping with being someone’s husband. You shouldn’t be in a relationship where you’re “coping” with each other. Arguably the age differences / life experience gap could be a factor, a lot has happened for a 28 year old & if he started the band that is a lot of effort. The cliche about guys in bands is true. 28 year old guy in band has much older wife & ivf children is not exactly common.

He is also playing the cliche muso “depressed with issues” card.

Go to relate, however I think you need to really hear his words, see his actions & decide for yourself if this “coping” is the best you can do. I personally don’t think it sounds like much of a connected partnership.

Maybe you were meant to meet him to get your beautiful little twins? Everything works out in the end. It always does xo

I forgot to add look for a full time job and get your license

@prawnsword it’s not that I don’t want to hear it, it’s more that we just end up arguing when we try and discuss things. Therefore I don’t want to argue and potentially have the babies overhear and be upset.

He says he doesn’t want our relationship to be over. He was horrified when I said we’d be separated if he moved out. It’s all just getting me down so much. If I really really thought about it I’d just get incredibly upset and I’ve got two small babies to look after so I have no luxury for losing my shit.

I should add this band consists of two jobless men in their thirties and my DH. They are not exactly Guns n Roses in their heyday