DH and mental health issues. He’s moving out.

[noneedtoberudedear]

Long story short...
DH and I have been having problems since our twins were born 15 months ago. It’s been a rough time. We suffered under before they were born (ivf) moved to a different part of country to be nearer my family and babies were in NICU for first month.

Since their birth I’ve watched DH turn into someone I barely recognise. Disengaged from his family, detached, unhappy, short tempered and just generally sad. Our relationship has become one long saga of arguments and recriminations. He’s always had mental health issues (as have I) but none of the medication, CBT etc. is making much difference. However if for some reason he forgets his meds he can barely hold it together.

I finally had a breakthrough last night where he admitted that he just can’t cope! He says he knows he treats me unfairly but his mental health is so bad he can barely keep it together. He says he thinks he might have a personality disorder? And that he isn’t getting the help he needs. He told me he still loves me but he isn’t capable of being a husband to me at the minute. He says he’s going to move into his own flat as he doesn’t feel like it’s fair/healthy for him to stay.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve said I’ll go to GP with him as I’m genuinely afraid for his MH. We’re also due to start counselling with Relate this week.

Part of me feels sorry for him but relieved he’s finally admitted there’s a problem. The other half wants to strangle him for doing this to me. I’m lost

@prawnsword agreeing with everything you say. Voices are... obvious, to put it mildly. If he's hearing voices for real, OP would know about it, probably first. They're so terrifying for the sufferer in no universe would anyone not tell the doctor either, assuming the doc hadn't noticed first him/herself.

I do think DH is definitely ill but I think he's mired in a horrible anxiety about himself and his health, which is a classic sign of depression, not psychosis.

I think there are big reasons for being depressed; twins are incredibly stressful, the OP's screaming at him every night, and she's stopped being mummy - to him, obviously - because two real babies have arrived.

He said that they went away but now they are coming back. He said he only hears them occasionally, usually in bed at night. I asked if it was not an internal dialogue type thing, but he said it’s people shouting, as if they’re actually in the room with him. He also said last time it happened one of the voices shouted at him to die.

No visual hallucinations mentioned. I know his dad has suffered with depression most of his adult life. They are extremely similar in personality. His dad is also (by both my MIL and his second wife’s descriptions) really unmotivated about everything. Just like my DH.

@Supersimkin2 I would have said depression as well, but then when he talks about not being able to relate to people, feeling different to everyone etc. then I start to wonder?

I don’t scream at him every night! Yes we argue a lot, but we’re not having screaming matches every night. I’m not quite that much of a harridan (yet)

re autism - could he be described as having a “quirky” personality ? Can he hold an engaging 2 way conversation ? What do the voices say when they are shouting or is it more of an unintelligible chatter ? i would be wanting to explore why he thinks he is narcissistic.

I hope you find some answers with the GP

He’s definitely quirky. He can hold conversations. He doesn’t have the one sided conversations that many people on the spectrum often have. However he does very rarely ask people about themselves. For example his family can drive the five hour trip to see us and he won’t even ask how their journey was, what they’ve been up to since the last time they saw him etc. His dad is exactly the same.

He said mostly just unintelligible shouting. I have no idea why he said narcissist. It’s not a label I’ve ever thought to apply to him. I’m going to ask him a bit more about it tonight when he gets home. He says he didn’t tell me about the voices because it wasn’t fair to burden me. He said I’m always saying the babies are the most important thing and he didn’t want to stress me more.

You have no idea why he said narcissist - yet in the 1st paragraph you detail how he never asks people about themselves. I mean a narc would fake asking if they wanted to look good. But they could also not bother it wrapped up in themselves. They can go either way, narcissism is a spectrum too. Does he ask his friends how they are or certain other people ?

A narcissist could fake a whole life then turn around & decide they didn’t want it after all. They could appear to be very kind & generous to a fault if a covert type. It’s not all wolf of Wall Street, that is the malevolent type...covert narcissists are incredibly difficult to spot.

However a narcissist rarely is going to call themselves that...unless say, now having a mental health condition is a perceived better “out” because leaving a wife & twin babies is not a great look socially.

Does he care what people think about him a lot ?

The voices - they aren't just as he's dropping off to sleep, are they?

Could be hypnogogic or hypnopompic hallucinations. Lots of people have those and they aren't anything to do with poor MH.

What I mean is “hey how are you ?” - we learn this socially. Does he know to ask people about themselves when it suits ? How would he be at a dinner party with a mix of folk around ?”

Your references are about family. Let’s take him out of a family environment. How is he in the outside world ? I think that would be better to look at. We behave differently with family.

Well, OP, whatever the diagnosis, he's very self-involved. Endless googling can't give either of you the answer you need. Neither can we. Nightly talkathons aren't helping you.

More to the point, whatever the right diagnosis is, a label ain't a cure.

But some questions you can answer.

1. What do you want out of this - him to be better and stay? What is the least worst option if that doesn't happen?
2. How much time can you allow for this process? Your own sanity requires some sort of deadline.
3. Does he like the children? Be honest about this. Can you see him being an acceptable father?

If you do talk, focus on these questions that, as I have no doubt will be noticed instantly, relate to the 3 people involved in this who aren't DP. Stick to this stuff for talking things out.

I would caution against endless nightly agonising.

It's not doing either of you any good and it's playing into DP being the centre of attention. A lot of people make a career out of their mental illness - if you think I'm being harsh, it's a problem within psychiatry recognised by doctors who know a lot more than either of us. Makes the sufferer worse, long term.

You need something to make you feel better. Start looking for a job.

No great insights but my daughter heard voices from a young age, we went through every medical test, got nowhere.
She was diagnosed as having autism and the nurses said it's part of her autism. Such a relief, but no one new, they said it's so common.

@prawnsword He rarely cares what anyone thinks of him. He used to massively overthink everything when he was younger but now he says he doesn’t care! He will occasionally ask people how they are...obviously he asks me. I would say it’s fairly infrequent though. He actually gets quite anxious in the outside world. Doesn’t like using public transport, can be quite quiet when out and about. I don’t know about a dinner party, but my close friend did comment how he didn’t take on the appropriate role a dad should at the babies first birthday party.

@Supersimkin2 Yes I want him to be better and stay, but he needs to change or I’ll lose my sanity. He needs to support me more, pull his weight more, change his sleeping/eating habits and step up to his responsibilities as a dad. The least worst option would be him moving out but staying active in the babies lives. I’m sceptical about it atm though. I’ve never even thought about deadlines. Obviously they will need to be one. I’m not sitting around while he goes off to fix/find himself/whatever indefinitely.

He does love the babies but tbh as a dad he does the bare minimum he can get away with.

My mind keeps going back to Monday when he kept telling me I was too good for him, he didn’t deserve me... I thought he was being nice but now I’m thinking was that a dick move?

@FraglesRock

I had no idea voices could be part of autism. I hope your daughter is doing OK

"He does love the babies but tbh as a dad he does the bare minimum he can get away with."
That is his m.o. in life- do the bare minimum

"My mind keeps going back to Monday when he kept telling me I was too good for him, he didn’t deserve me... I thought he was being nice but now I’m thinking was that a dick move?"
Yes, manipulative dick move.
What did you reply to that?

@Hithere2 I said that he wasn’t and that I loved him. He seemed so upset. I think I’m overthinking it all now. I just know that the ‘you’re too good for me’ line is usually a sweetener way of telling someone you can’t give them what they need.

Which he did also say to be fair...

He is an adult. If he doesn't have the tools to self sooth, he must look for help. You cannot do it for him.

Love has nothing to do with this
Your love is enabling him to sit on his behind, blame his MH for his misfortunes while he never gave the proper and correct information to the gp and therapist.

Love has nothing to do with this - I mean your love won't help him unless he wants to help himself.
Sorry I wasn't clear the first time

Do you think he wants permission from you to leave?

My opinion, for what it's worth:

1. As happens to so many of us, parenthood has come as a horrifying shock to DP. No shame in that.
2. The shock is made worse because his partner has changed roles to become mother of his DC, not him.
3. He is a fragile, needy soul who is used to round-the-clock attention.
4. The very idea that someone else (his wife and kids) need attention is an outrage, and frightening.
5. The idea that he should be giving, not receiving, care is the final insult. He's unhappy and all over the place.
6. Because he's male, he's got a get-out clause. He can bolt. After 15 months, he still doesn't feel any better. Bolting is becoming more attractive. Medical help - not such a sexy option.
7. But bolting is a shit's trick - he is not just a weak man, but will become a bad man too if he goes, and he feels guilty.
8. He's all about his own feelings, so he wants to feel less guilty.
9. If you say leaving is ok, he will feel better.

10. If he goes, he'll still be a frail, scared person. And a deadbeat dad. In a bedsit. But he doesn't know that. 11. If he goes, you'll cheer up after 6 months. You still work your arse off, but you're not being dragged down by The Moods. But you don't know that.

Alternatively in the last 15 months they've moved home to be closer to ops family, and had twins. The DH is only 27 so was only early 20s presumably when they started trying to have children and then had IVF. He's also working 12 hour days as the only bread winner trying to support his family, coupled with poor mental health.

Those are a lot of big stressors happening to a young man who doesn't have the best mental health. What support does he have around? Are there any family or friends that he can talk to or is he isolated by moving away from that support network?

I don't think it's as simple as saying he's a shit and needs to step up.

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras we have a mutual friend he could talk to, but they always just end up discussing football! He has his dad, but again football!

He’s really not great at opening up. He’s such a closed book. Even I feel like he knows me far better than I know him. He’ll often say he has nobody to talk to, but when I suggest people it goes nowhere.

I’m really hoping the Relate counselling proves positive for him. I went for my first session today (first one is solo) and she was excellent.

I know he's getting a bashing on this thread but even without his mental health issues the situation does sound very stressful for him.

He was quite young to be going through IVF (mid 20s?), he's moved away from family and friends to be close to your family so that makes him isolated, he's the dad to twins and is carrying the financial burden for the family and working 12 hour shifts on top.

I think many people would struggle with all of that.

I agree with all the above - lots of stressors on him, he's carrying a heavy load, and he's lost most of his support system, the OP.

Trouble is, there aren't that many options bar stepping up or bailing out. It's kind of clear which one appeals.

Trouble is, there aren't that many options bar stepping up or bailing out. It's kind of clear which one appeals.

Or addressing his medical needs and then trying to change what's causing the unbearable stress.

If it was the op saying these things - moved away from her family and friends to be closer to.partners family, working long hours as sole bread winner, had IVF at 26 and now parent to twins, historical mental health issues that are becoming a problem again we would all recognise the difficulties she is facing and be sympathetic. No one would tell her to step up. You might as well have said he needs to man up. We're his needs considered in any of these major life events? Having IVF in your mid 20s sounds quite extreme. Did he want to have children at that age? Moving to be closer to ops parents - who wanted to do that? Him being sole bread winner, in a low paid job - how was that decision made? Doing all of those things with a man who has a history of poor mental health - what steps were taken to mitigate his MH from spiralling during these big upheavals?

It seems that a deterioration in his MH was inevitable really given the major changes in his life over the past few years, especially as his MH appears quite precarious.