Oh no I'm the other woman

[UncertainWoman]

Feeling a little devastated at the moment and not really sure what to do. I have been dating a man in the military for around eight months now. We spend pretty much all our time together and he stays at mine most nights. The only time when he goes away is once a fortnight when he goes to his 'parents' for the weekend.

He didn't seem to do any social media so I didn't really get to suss him out when he first started dating. We shared our dating history with each so I was aware that he'd had a string of girlfriends but never anything serious as being in the army had hampered his dating life a little (yeah right pal!) He told me he'd just recently come out of a short term relationship in which he'd been cheated on and I opened up being cheated on in the past. I told him how much I hated cheats, probably till I was blue in the face haha.

He went back home this weekend and I was a little bored. He'd told me a few days prior that he's been in the papers a few years back for something cool but when we searched together we couldn't find it. So I thought I'd do some digging and surprise him.

Well, I found it...

He has a totally different name to the one I know and the article mentioned a wife and child. I typed that name into facebook and there he is as a supposedly happy family man - married since 2008. He is very much still married as they have recent photos together.

I'm very certain that I'm not his first affair as his stories about all his exes are just too realistic and there are no inconsistencies whenever he brings them up so I believe that those relationships happened.

Obviously anything between this man and myself will be over when I next see him.

Now I'm stuck though...Do I tell his wife or not?

I would definitely tell her.

What an utter gobshite he is!

Also, I'd suggest getting tested. If he's been having multiple affairs, god knows what he's crawling with!

Wonder where the wife thinks he is for 2 weeks at a time?

At work. They obviously live apart from Monday to Friday, like many military couples.

@UncertainWoman 100% tell her.
I was in a very similar situation with someone in the army (there was another woman, I was the original if you want to call it that) and had no idea.

He eventually buggered off owing me a large sum of money (I'm talking thousands) and left me sitting in a sexual health clinic as "he'd tested positive for chlamydia but hadn't had sex with anyone else"!!!

The right thing to do is tell her x

@ladybee28 - well said 🌷🍷On all counts!

He is only returning home once a fortnight? His poor wife is dealing with the kids on her own for 12 days out of 14 while he is doing what he is doing?

I'm also sorry to hear that you've been duped like this. It's never a good feeling. Just remember that you didn't know but telling her will put you in the firing line most likely. You're already hurt, can you handle a potential back lash as his wife will no doubt and perfectly reasonably be very upset and angry

He is only returning home once a fortnight? His poor wife is dealing with the kids on her own for 12 days out of 14 while he is doing what he is doing?

Military wives deal with the kids on their own for months on end. Do you think guys posted to Afghanistan pop home every night?

He doesn't deserve either of you. No doubt he's been cheating for a long time

Definitely tell her & send proof

@JenniferM1989 human is being truthful. You’re wrong. And rude.

@ladybee28 Since when were you appointed as some forum moderator? It's not your place to decide whose comments are valid or not and you well know that. You are out of order.

And- if you read the op's posts you'd see that my questions are completely valid. She suggested things that you have read and embellished in your own mind but she didn't make it clear. For example, that he used to live somewhere else- so the assumption is his wife is still there but she doesn't know. So before you start pointing the finger at other posters, look at your own level of understanding of what is written.

This is a public forum. Simply not your place to come along and try to be BOSS and tell people what they can post or not.

@LadyLucyLocket, you’re out of order asking questions that don’t actually help the OP in any way and are only for your own curiosity. This isn’t AMA and but it is a public forum as you’ve noted. As such, other posters absolutely will call you out on your comments and they’ll do so regularly.

To answer @LadyLucyLocket.

Yes, he stays with me most nights but on some he does spend them on his base or at least that's what he says. I have never been there as I'm assuming he would have to sign me in as a guest of his (real name). I do not think his wife lives in accommodation with him as he has sent me photos of his room before which is very basic.

I can't answer much more than that as I just don't know.

I was in a similar situation once. Years later I still can't believe I was so stupid. My advice is just walk away. Protect yourself and your emotions by putting it behind you and moving on. It'll be very hard but it is the best way.

If there was a culture of women standing together and always informing each other of what men are up to, these shitheads would know they can't get away with it.

We obviously can't rely on their colleagues to even disapprove, let alone inform us.

I feel for you op

Tell his wife. After 24 yrs of marriage I wish I'd been told and saved my life and time.

Tell her!

No JoanBonJovi, what alsohuman did was make a point that doesn't relate to anything that I said and was making a remark that also has nothing to do with what I said. If you're rude to people and make cheeky remarks, expect it back. This thread is about the OP and her situation and nothing I said warranted alsohuman making cheeky remarks because my comment was neutral and sympathetic to the OP and this mans wife. What's it got to do with the price of cheese if other military wives have partners that are away longer? Does that make it right that he is away for 2 weeks at a time and also cheating, using a fake name and deceiving so many people? He isn't away for months so I should feel sorry for his wife? It was a stupid and totally unrelated comment to make with a cheeky tone

*shouldn't feel sorry

Thanks @UncertainWoman for having the decency and kindness to come back and answer my question. I'm sorry some of my comments have been pounced upon by other posters who are frankly, downright nasty. I simply wanted to understand the set up.

FWIW I had a situation not unlike yours many decades back, although there were differences.

I met a man who was separated and told me so at the start- his wife had left him for another man. But several months later she came back and of course he didn't tell me owing to stringing us both along. Like you, there was a location factor. In the end, she found out as I turned up at his place, as a surprise, not knowing she was back. She was very nice to me, and he got all the blame. They stayed together.

For you, there are pros and cons of telling. You risk being vilified and your life made a misery by her. You can't be sure she will treat you kindly. On the other hand, it might do her a favour, but my own feeling is it's not you r role to tell. How would you get in touch anyway? Facebook?

If his wife doesn't follow from posting to posting then yes, she is home alone for weeks/months this would be the case whether he is sleeping in his room in base alone, sleeping with an OW evey night or sleeping with a different OW every night. It the choice that military families make, weighting up the disruption to schooling friendship groups etc of moving every few years v the difficulty of being settled in one location but having the his and (or indeed wife) away for long spells. Even for families that choose to move from posting to posting can't go everywhere so face periods alone when the soldier/sailor/airman is somewhere families can't go. It's a tough life and not for everyone but it is part of the deal when marrying into the forces. Being cheated on and lied to is not part of the deal but sadly for many it is.

I’m #TeamTellHer

#TeamTellHer here too.

I would use the message above from titsoftheiceberg (whose name I've not got right, but on phone and can't check!) with a time period in it and some dates or times. Something concrete.

Really sorry to derail the thread but I really wish whoever reported @JenniferM1989’s unpleasant post to me hadn’t. I never report this kind of stuff, it says a lot about the poster and the evidence that shows who they are is better left in plain sight.

I’m now undecided what you should do @UncertainWoman. On the one hand if you don’t tell his wife he’ll get away with it. On the other, I don’t really approve of interfering in other people’s marriages. Chances are you’ll get a nasty backlash if you do tell her.

I do not think his wife lives in accommodation with him as he has sent me photos of his room before which is very basic.

Well, he sent you photos of someone's room ...