Oh no I'm the other woman

[UncertainWoman]

Feeling a little devastated at the moment and not really sure what to do. I have been dating a man in the military for around eight months now. We spend pretty much all our time together and he stays at mine most nights. The only time when he goes away is once a fortnight when he goes to his 'parents' for the weekend.

He didn't seem to do any social media so I didn't really get to suss him out when he first started dating. We shared our dating history with each so I was aware that he'd had a string of girlfriends but never anything serious as being in the army had hampered his dating life a little (yeah right pal!) He told me he'd just recently come out of a short term relationship in which he'd been cheated on and I opened up being cheated on in the past. I told him how much I hated cheats, probably till I was blue in the face haha.

He went back home this weekend and I was a little bored. He'd told me a few days prior that he's been in the papers a few years back for something cool but when we searched together we couldn't find it. So I thought I'd do some digging and surprise him.

Well, I found it...

He has a totally different name to the one I know and the article mentioned a wife and child. I typed that name into facebook and there he is as a supposedly happy family man - married since 2008. He is very much still married as they have recent photos together.

I'm very certain that I'm not his first affair as his stories about all his exes are just too realistic and there are no inconsistencies whenever he brings them up so I believe that those relationships happened.

Obviously anything between this man and myself will be over when I next see him.

Now I'm stuck though...Do I tell his wife or not?

Well, he sent you photos of someone's room ...

I would imagine he lives in a room in the block and the wife lives away unaccompanied, that's how he'll have gotten away with seeing the OP more and the wife as infrequently as fortnightly. It would be much harder, though not impossible, do so in quarters, largely due to gossip and knowing who he works with etc.

They might have their own home and he has a room in the mess at work. Totally plausible

I too was an unwitting OW to soldier. Spent time on base with him, even met some family members. It makes me sick thinking about the level of collision involved. And me being paraded around as the new plaything. Yuck.

I found out after he went back home. His wife found my number, I guess. I'm not exactly sure, but she called me to yell at me to stay away from her man. I laughed at that and said she was welcome to him. Even in the shock of the moment, I laughed that she thought I would want him now if found out he was a lying cheat.

I would absolutely tell her.

You absolutely should tell her. I can’t believe anyone says otherwise. She deserves to know! The poor woman has married and had children with this man, she’s built her life with him, how can anyone say she should just live out the rest of her days with this liar? Think of it this way - if they have an open relationship no harm done, I’m sure she will just say ‘thanks for your concern but we have an open relationship and I’m fine with it.’ Or if they don’t (and let’s be honest, they probably don’t) you are letting her know what the man she married is really like. Wouldn’t you want to know? And also who cares if a small part of why you tell her is revenge to him? He lied to you too.

Sounds like you were dating my ex. Even his mother was in on his cheating and would spend time with his other women.

We are not blind or stupid. We just believe our men especially in the army where sudden overnight exercises are not uncommon and working away from home for extended periods of time are part and parcel of the job.

I would want to know.
I was unwittingly the OW earlier this year. When she found out she contacted me. I was very grateful to her (and very apologetic)

TELL HER!!

Definitely tell her. I had the OW message me years ago and I was so grateful for it, ended my relationship straight away and never looked back. Not sure I’d have found out if it weren’t for her telling me. She deserves to know and it’s up to her what she chooses to do from there. What a bastard, sorry you have experienced this OP.

Tell her. I say this as someone who lost a good friend by doing this, but it was still the right thing to do.
What she chooses to do with the information is her choice, but she deserves to have the choice.
As someone else said, if all women had other women's backs then men wouldn't be able to get away with things like this.

To update: After thinking about it all last night, I sent her a message on facebook. She did not respond but I have since received a flurry of phone calls from the guy in question (I blocked him as soon as I saw how many). I am off to stay with a friend for the next few days as I am a little concerned about him turning up. Hopefully, I have done the right thing, but it is so hard to tell.

I think you did the right thing. She has a right to know and then make her own decision whether to stay with him or not. By not telling her you are denying her that chance. What a horrible situation for you and her both.

You absolutely did the right thing

I think you have OP. I also think its good to go away for a few days. Take care of yourself

Well done OP. I hope the cheating wankstain takes the hint and leaves you alone, and you can move on with your life.

I agree OP... you did the right thing... I would want to know..

Well done OP, horrible man, he shouldn’t get away with it.

Well done OP, I believe you have done absolutely the right thing. Now please take time to look after yourself - you need to process the loss of the relationship with him (or with the person you thought he was), so be gentle with yourself.

I was once this woman being cheated on so speaking from experience TELL HER

@UncertainWoman you have absolutely done the right thing, I usually tell people to stay out of such things but as a military wife I honestly believe this was the best course of action. He's probably cheated before, and would now doubt do it again, it's up to her to decide what to do now.

Now concentrate on yourself, I hope you feel better soon and this will all be a distant memory! If he does ANYTHING to make you feel afraid, please report it to welfare on his base, he will be dealt with.

She can message you if she wants to. Well done

Well done. Good on you for outing him.

THA k you for messaging her.

It is clear she talked to him. Good call on going to your friend's.

Thank you.... not the weird autocorrect in the previous message

Another vote for absolutely the right thing and WELL DONE.

I think if I were you, I'd send him one message saying "Do not attempt to contact me again in any way, ever". Then re-block him.