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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Oh no I'm the other woman

323 replies

UncertainWoman · 11/11/2019 14:41

Feeling a little devastated at the moment and not really sure what to do. I have been dating a man in the military for around eight months now. We spend pretty much all our time together and he stays at mine most nights. The only time when he goes away is once a fortnight when he goes to his 'parents' for the weekend.

He didn't seem to do any social media so I didn't really get to suss him out when he first started dating. We shared our dating history with each so I was aware that he'd had a string of girlfriends but never anything serious as being in the army had hampered his dating life a little (yeah right pal!) He told me he'd just recently come out of a short term relationship in which he'd been cheated on and I opened up being cheated on in the past. I told him how much I hated cheats, probably till I was blue in the face haha.

He went back home this weekend and I was a little bored. He'd told me a few days prior that he's been in the papers a few years back for something cool but when we searched together we couldn't find it. So I thought I'd do some digging and surprise him.

Well, I found it...

He has a totally different name to the one I know and the article mentioned a wife and child. I typed that name into facebook and there he is as a supposedly happy family man - married since 2008. He is very much still married as they have recent photos together.

I'm very certain that I'm not his first affair as his stories about all his exes are just too realistic and there are no inconsistencies whenever he brings them up so I believe that those relationships happened.

Obviously anything between this man and myself will be over when I next see him.

Now I'm stuck though...Do I tell his wife or not?

OP posts:

BumbleBeee69 · 11/11/2019 19:47

Bumblebee it's not clear from the OPs post if he told her WHAT he'd been in the papers for, just that he's been in them 'for something cool'.
I didn't know if this meant he'd told her what the cool thing was, or if he'd simply said it 'was something cool.'

It's not clear.

OP clarified in a later post.....

When he bought up the story it was pretty funny so I asked to read the article but we couldn't find it as he was obviously searching for his fake name in front of me. When I searched for it by myself I just searched for the circumstances and location and found it straight away. It included a picture of him with his real name, which he uses on Facebook.

Olaalo · 11/11/2019 19:49

Wow, some guy! If i was you i would feel the same, i know it is hard not wanting to possibly cause someone to loose a partner but at the end if the day he clearly did not care about his family or you!
Just think if you was Married and your Husband cheated would you want to know?...

Purpleneonpinkunicorns · 11/11/2019 19:52

I would tell her op and I would also tell her that you have evidence if she wants to see it, and after speaking to her I would avoid all contact with the cheating solider and ghost him.

I would tell because might have her own suspicions also.

Fuckenstein · 11/11/2019 20:31

I agree with telling her.

Apologise for your part of it and explain he said he was single. Tell her the dates and leave your details if she wants proof.

Sagradafamiliar · 11/11/2019 20:34

Open marriage, my arse. If there was an arrangement then he'd have been honest in telling the OP this. But it would seem that honestly isn't something the horrible bastard associates himself with.
Poor wife and I'm also very sorry for you also, OP. What a dreadful thing to find out and now have to deal with.

ladybee28 · 11/11/2019 20:44

Does his family live somewhere else? How does he get to sleep away from his base every night? His colleagues must know surely too if he's not around

@LadyLucyLocket would you please stop wasting everyone's time and RTFT?

These disbelieving questions you keep asking have been answered, multiple times, by the OP and PPs – for someone who's supposedly so skilled and experienced at digging up information, you're doing a horrible job of it here.

OP, this absolutely sucks – I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Ultimately you've got to come back to how you're going to feel about the choice you made in the future. What's going to allow you to sleep at night, now and in the weeks and months and years to come – telling her, or not telling her?

Sandals19 · 11/11/2019 20:51

@LadyLucyLocket would you please stop wasting everyone's time and RTFT?

This poster's gone from boldly declaring that his wife must know if they both have affairs, to cross examining op .. ennroute declaring me "tiresome" for not agreeing that wives always know (or are in open relationships) and that I can't allow for differing a viewpoint; well.i can't when it's likely to be bollocks and the person spouting it is a pita.

Sandals19 · 11/11/2019 20:57

*or they both have affairs

pemberlyshades · 11/11/2019 21:01

What are you going to do OP?

pemberlyshades · 11/11/2019 21:02

@UncertainWoman

LannisterLion1 · 11/11/2019 21:20

Wow what a prize prick. Yes i would tell his wife. He's putting her at risk as he did you. She can make an informed choice if she knows.

LadyLucyLocket · 11/11/2019 21:24

@sandals19 Do put a sock in it. I'm as allowed as you are to contribute. Sorry if you don't like my comments but I can ask what I like and if you yourself do read the FT you will see the OP has not exactly answered how he managed a double life. She said he used to live elsewhere in the country. She didn't say his wife still did.

@ladybee28 How am I wasting your time? You are wasting your time being on a forum and getting worked up over comments you don't agree with. You are misinterpreting comments. No one is disbelieving. I genuinely want to know how he lived his life.

ladybee28 · 11/11/2019 21:34

How am I wasting your time? You're wasting the time of PPs who keep writing answers to the questions you've asked because they've read the full thread and you can't seem to be bothered.

I genuinely want to know how he lived his life Then read the thread, where your questions have already been answered.

The OP didn't start this thread for the benefit of your curiosity and your comments have been of no help to her whatsoever.

Xiaoxiong · 11/11/2019 21:37

The thing is that the OP probably has no idea how he got away with it - what lies he told his wife, whether that he was stationed away, required to work late so no point coming home, that he was staying with a friend to save money, staying with elderly frail parents to help them, super duper secret military "need to know" job, who knows.

All she knows is there is a photo online, of him but with a different name to the one she knows but the same story, and that in reality he has a wife and kids that he pretended to her didn't exist. How he pulled it off is interesting but kind of irrelevant to the OP and whether she should tell the guy's wife.

I watched Mrs Wilson a few months ago on the BBC (a true story). That guy had a whole string of wives and children and managed them all by pretending he was a spy (among other things). None of those women knew how he was doing it either, one of them only found out when he died and the "real" wife showed up too - and it turned out neither of them was the "real" wife either, there were many more!

Sandals19 · 11/11/2019 21:38

Do put a sock in it.

Take your own advice dear.

Fightingmycorner2019 · 11/11/2019 22:04

I don't understand those that say not to tell the wife

My reason is (a) Op could be putting a bomb into Someone life
(B) not sure why she owes a complete
Stranger ‘the truth’
(C) it could get nasty and backfire . It really
Could

That’s why

RLOU30 · 11/11/2019 22:10

This exact thing happened to me 5 years ago except the wife found out first and called me asking if I knew he had a small child at home so I didn't have to make the decision you face. I would like to know that's for sure.

My thoughts are with you though as everyone will undoubtedly say how hard and shit it is for the wife but your heart and mind have been fucked over too. It certainly was the hardest moment of my life. Look after yourself x

orangeteal · 11/11/2019 22:19

Normally with these things I say stay well out of it for your sake, but from me as a military wife please tell her. She and her children are making so many sacrifices for this man, don't let her waste another day of her life with him. I'm sorry he did it to you too.

gingersausage · 11/11/2019 22:24

A friend of mine was in a LTR with a soldier. Bizarrely she was the only one in our social group who couldn’t see he was still with his “ex” wife. Sadly his wife was used to it - it wasn’t the first time.

@LadyLucyLocket it’s not that difficult to come and go as you please as a soldier, once you are past the very junior ranks. If his family live in army housing he probably tells them he’s working away or on courses elsewhere. If his family live off camp in their own house he will tell them he’s staying in for guard duty or whatever. His colleagues won’t be remotely interested as long as it isn’t affecting his work or morale.

etimram · 11/11/2019 22:31

LadyLuxyLocket - No one on base will.know of he's there or not at night I suspect. I'd imagine he has a room booked on the mess on like a hotel basis- so it's booked up but he probably just dumps his stuff there and sleeps the odd night. No one else in the mess will know or care or notice where he actually sleeps.
I've heard of a few Forces people pulling these type if stunts whilst in long term relationships/married.
An other scam is being sent a way on deployment or a course for X weeks and adding a few days each end if it to spend with thier other woman/man.....meanwhile thier other half is carrying on at home none the wiser.

orangeteal · 11/11/2019 22:32

Does his family live somewhere else? How does he get to sleep away from his base every night? His colleagues must know surely too if he's not around.

It's incredibly easy to do in the military and does happen a lot as unlikely as it sounds, it happened to a friend of mine, most commonly it'll be when the wife lives unaccompanied, she's away from the the gossip then and he lives on base, he can feasibly be on guard, on courses etc, my own husband is away during the week over the next 4 weeks. Plus just because he lives on base doesn't mean he has to sleep there unless he was in training, they're not prisoners!

And yes colleagues will likely know, it's very common and while gossip is rife it's not usually shocking enough to seek out the wife, there is camaraderie and lack of empathy.

ShadowOnTheSun · 11/11/2019 22:35

Tell her.

My ex's mistress contacted me. They were together for a year. She knew he was married and only told me after he started flirting with her daughter (an adult). But I didn't badmouth her as I didn't care about her really, I thanked her and divorced the fucker straight away.

She went to him angry, telling him she'll talk to me - he laughed and didn't believe her. When I came to know, I told him I'm divorcing him - he laughed and didn't believe me. Well, we both dumped him anyway.

She deserves to know. She may not do anything, but on the other hand, she might want to dump his sorry ass.

Savoretti · 11/11/2019 22:37

Wonder where the wife thinks he is for 2 weeks at a time?

orangeteal · 11/11/2019 22:43

@Savoretti guard duty, various work duties, on call depending on his trade he may be on a limited notice to move (can be as limited as 10 minutes away from base), courses, jobs abroad. My DH goes through periods where he's away more than he's home. Honestly, it's very, very easy in this lifestyle.

FairiesontheSwing · 11/11/2019 22:59

@bullyingadvice2017 I knew a woman who found out about an unknowing OW and they did exactly that to her cheating H. Very sadly she died by suicide a couple of years later. It was still right that they both knew the truth.

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