What are normal boundaries when your DH texts female work colleagues?

[Bedsidedrawer]

DH, I just discovered, has been texting a female co-worker pretty frequently. Sometimes in the evening, out of work hours etc
It's 99 percent work stuff, fine. But there's a slightly flirty, friendly tone. Actually I don't recognise this man in the texts as he certainly doesn't text me in this way. For example lots of emojis (winking, tounge out etc), sometimes kisses, references to her favourite TV programmes, asking how she got on at doctors.
I just wanted to ask advice because I'm not sure if I'm being jealous unnecessarily or actually this is out of normal boundaries.
I met her once and her reaction to me was odd. All his other colleagues were friendly, she just shrunk back. Seemed unnerved by me, can't quite explain it. Before I knew about the texts I remember finding her interaction a bit strange.
Not much in DH behaviour to suggest affair but I've not been as happy recently. I find him unemotional and I feel things haven't been quite as great. We did have a bereavement that left us feeling for a while though.

That seems a bit much tbh. I would be concerned that he's obviously enjoying her company more than he is yours.

I have no boundaries for texts between my DH and work colleagues male or female. I do not look at them or ask to see them or hear about them. I trust my DH completely. So the only boundaries are the ones set by law against sexting harassment. He would not do sext harass anyone anyway, not saying that! But that there are boundaries even I don’t have any to control him.

Thanks. I've got to ask him haven't I?

So I'm being controlling?
Just be honest! I want to set my head straight on this first.

That does sound too familiar for my liking.

I actually came across texts accidentally. I wasn't snooping. Borrowed his phone (to be fair he doesn't hide his phone) and just caught the last couple of texts which raised my suspicion.
I don't think he's cheating. I just wonder if I should talk to him about my feelings. But I was worried I'm just being controlling.

I don't think you are. Unless I knew for sure they were just good friends, or he was the sort of person who texts a lot anyway, I would be suspicious. But then that's probably because I have in the past been prone to a little texting distraction in hard times. I don't think it necessarily means he's having an affair but he might be using texting her as an escape from everyday life if things aren't great. I would just ask him but in a non confrontational way.

I would not send a winky-tongue-out-emoji to a colleague unless I definitely wanted to date them, or I knew them REALLY well. Like, have worked together for 5+ years, have had dinner at their house including partner and DC, etc.

Does she respond in a similar way or are her messages more reserved?

My dp has worked with the same people forever so would probably be friendly/affectionate in texts in a friendly way poss kisses and emojis but nothing flirty. I wouldn't feel the need to check, they're just his friends, I know most of them and I trust him. I'd ask if I was uncomfortable though.

That would unnerve me too.

This sounds like the makings of an inappropriate friendship which is how a lot of affairs start. I would speak to him about it and get it all in the open before it goes too far.

Doesn't sound controlling. You dont trust him. Are you usually like this or is this the first time youve hsd this instinct about another woman.

You can tell him he seems very friendly with her and its not right. Tell him you don't recognise the man in the texts but wish he were thst caring and interested in you.

Ask him how he'd feel if you were so close to a male colleague.

He's going to tell you shes just a friend. If he refuses to tone it down that is going to tell you a lot about the state of your marriage.

Be aware that raising this might make him hide his emotional affair.

Just remember that it’s very easy to misinterpret text messages. Most people I know use those emojis that you mentioned but really they are meaningless. If it’s 99% work stuff then I wouldn’t be too worried, but if it’s playing on your mind (which it obviously is), speak to your husband about it. You’d probably be able to gage the situation more depending on his reactions.

It doesn't sound like an affair but it would be too familiar for my liking and the emojis etc sound flirty. Frankly if it makes you uncomfortable (and it's understandable it does if he doesn't take that sort of tone with you, his own wife), then he shouldn't do it regardless of whether he has inappropriate feelings or not.

It doesn't matter whether other people in relationships would care if their other half was doing this - only you and he know the dynamic of your relationship and whether this is acceptable or not. If it's not then go with your instinct and talk to him.

I'll admit I have my own issues, perhaps a bit controlling. Not in any major way though. I've never distrusted him or checked his phone before.
I feel sick. We have always had a fantastic marriage.

Each person/ couple needs to set their own boundary.

Personally.....
Hiding/ being secretive or deliberately obtuse about contact would cross a line.

I'm not sure there are " rules" about how often or how friendly, but overly friendly+constant contact+ being secretive.... That merits a conversation.

Thing is, this woman set off your spidey senses aa well.

I'd be tempted to watch and wait

I agree with AllTheCakes, sounds like it's going too far, especially when you say you don't recognise him from the texts.

You have to just ask him outright. If you’ve had a good marriage then you’ll have to trust your instincts to his reaction when you ask him about it.

You are right to be concerned . You have 2 choices here - ask him now or keep an eye on this . There is nothing wrong with being vigilant . If you've ever read the book Just Good Friends then you will know that this kind of thing is "opening a window" into your marriage - one that should be kept closed.

Does he know you looked at his phone? If he left it around and unlocked then it doesn’t seem like he is trying to hide anything.

How does she respond in the texts?

I used to have a colleague (senior to me) text me late in the evening after his wife went to bed. He told me he deleted the texts every night so she wouldn’t see. I hated it. He used to put a lot of pressure on me. If I didn’t respond within minutes he would keep texting asking where I was, wasn’t I talking to him etc. We eventually fell out when I sent him a text (in response to his) after he had gone to bed and he got into trouble with his wife!

The best thing to do is to ask him. It will niggle away at you if you don’t & the last thing you want is to have your imagination run away.

I do a lot of those things with friends of both sexes. DH texts his friends more jokey fun things too.

Meanwhile DH and I tend to text each other mundane things like "are you going to the dog-sitter or am I?" / "Can you pick milk up?'

If you feel uncomfortable then it's worth having the discussion in a calm and reasonable way though.

She responds similarly
They have worked together for years

It was her reaction to me that really sets my spider senses.
I think she has feelings for him. I think he has enjoyed their friendly exchanges because he was grieving and I was in a bad place etc
Just a hunch

Ask him
It sounds over familiar. You don't recognise the man in the messages... I would ask him