What are normal boundaries when your DH texts female work colleagues?

[Bedsidedrawer]

DH, I just discovered, has been texting a female co-worker pretty frequently. Sometimes in the evening, out of work hours etc
It's 99 percent work stuff, fine. But there's a slightly flirty, friendly tone. Actually I don't recognise this man in the texts as he certainly doesn't text me in this way. For example lots of emojis (winking, tounge out etc), sometimes kisses, references to her favourite TV programmes, asking how she got on at doctors.
I just wanted to ask advice because I'm not sure if I'm being jealous unnecessarily or actually this is out of normal boundaries.
I met her once and her reaction to me was odd. All his other colleagues were friendly, she just shrunk back. Seemed unnerved by me, can't quite explain it. Before I knew about the texts I remember finding her interaction a bit strange.
Not much in DH behaviour to suggest affair but I've not been as happy recently. I find him unemotional and I feel things haven't been quite as great. We did have a bereavement that left us feeling for a while though.

I'm just gutted. We have had an amazing marriage.
He's been wonderful
But I think in the last year, the bereavement, work stress, I've had anxiety and mild depression and raising kids etc - it's left a slight weakness.
I think I need to be up front and we need to work at some things.

This is just life - it happens after all of the fairytale weddings, setting up home, babies etc. Tough stuff comes our way and it’s how we handle it together that will determine our deeper happiness. Sounds like you have a great foundation and money in the emotional bank - life has been tough just now - so some readjustments and regrouping is needed. Don’t catastrophise - but speak to your DH and plan some lovely nice things to do together - you deserve it. Work harder and treating each other with kindness and respect in these difficult times.

I would focus on that first - I would speak with him about your marriage.

I would maybe save the work colleague conversation for another time - but I would be v vigilant and looking at how he responds to your efforts and suggestions to do nice stuff together.

OP in one of your posts you say one option is talk to hIm working on the relationship. That needs honesty. I don’t understand how people accidentally stumble into messages as reported on here. Its always sounds like snooping. If you did that, then be honest if you want to work on things.

I am beginning to suspect there is more to the situation than you just stumbling into the messages and being reflective on things. Have you discussed her with him before? His comment about her comment is curious. What prompted him to say that?

I will find it so hard not to mention her though.

Hi op. I've been in the same place. 18 months ago I read dh's phone. Things had been odd between us for a while. He forgot his phone one evening and it buzzed... I picked it up and it was a woman who I knew he texted a lot, so I looked. Not many texts which was different to other text threads as he didn't seem to delete. Full of similar emojis to your dh and she had sent photos asking how she looked in this dress. She was sad and he said there's always me... wink etc Like you I didn't recognise my dh. I never got these emojis. I had never liked her. We had met occasionally and she always stood too close to my dh and was too touchy for my liking.

There was another element... while I was on his phone I looked at a thread with a Male friend and dh said I think this woman would have sex with me if I asked. Nothing physical has happened.

I went nuts 😬To cut a long story short - they stroked each other's egos. He cut contact- freelance industry so sometimes still sees her. For a while he was apologetic, but thought I was overreacting. It was banter etc. After lots of talking, he realised how dangerous it was. How it was actually way over the boundary. Tbh I'm glad he said that to his friend, it was proof that nothing had happened up to that point, otherwise I wouldn't have believed him when he said there was nothing physical.
I would tell your dh exactly how you feel, but be prepared for him to say well we're just friends, banter. What can he say that will make you feel better?

One night when we were tipsy I brought her up. Problem is I can't remember exactly what was said (too much wine!).
I think I may have said that I thought she had a crush on him given her reaction to me. I told him to be careful. The nature of their job is political. Lots of policing, investigation work etc. I was more worried that her buying presents could be construed wrongly in the context of work.
He said don't worry, he had a handle of her or something like that.
So I do think on a deep level, I've been uncomfortable. But because of how life has been, I've just buried it and pretended it was all normal.

My H has had this kind of situation twice, I picked up on it because of the amount of texting on our bills. I was told it was ‘just friends’ stuff. 11 years later I found a drawer full of songs and poems from that time and turns out it was a heavy infatuation on his part. He says she was unaware, but who knows!! I would be wary OP , thing is does he text a lot to other colleagues? If it’s always the same one I would certainly keep an eye on it or check back on mobile bills to see how much. It may be controlling yes, but better than a year down the line finding it’s more than you thought and you were utterly unaware . I too had the ‘weird’ look at the time from this young woman (who worked for us) and she once crossed the street to avoid me, so I get what you are saying.

DH doesn’t text any work colleagues after hours unless he needs to meet them for dinner for example when he is hosting them. If it’s the latter I usually get asked along.

Ask him if he'd message like that in a work WhatsApp group. I suspect not. Because it's inappropriate.

Thing is don’t we all like attention from the opposite sex? I know i do. I wouldn’t act on it but it’s nice to feel desirable. I think it’s classic blurred lines. At the moment it’s safe but the worry is if they’re on a works night out and drink consumed, it’s very easy to fall into something real happening.

Hmm. You have been pretty precise about the conversation you don’t recall. I’m not being critical, it is just that there is far more to this than what is being said in the early posts

Basically you have already confronted him about the fact you suspect she is crushing on him. He has acknowledged it and claimed he can handle her. Essentially he told you he is using that knowledge to his advantage, work wise and ego wise. The sheer arrogance of not realising how inappropriate this is and how it can backfire amazes me.

People like you husband and his work friend are a blight on most workplaces. Of course they are crossing boundaries and everyone will know it. Now you do too.

It's always the same isn't it, the ones you'd least suspect.
My DH is so sensible, so straight. To be fair he has been a loyal and devoted husband and father. My friends would be shocked to the core.
This has been a wake up call big time

Female here - so, I personally WOULD talk to a male colleague like this. Not flirting, not in appropriate, just as friends on both sides. However, I don't think this is right and these are my own boundaries.

Me and my OH have an equal understanding that this would be disrespectful to each other as although we may be acting innocently and we also believe the same from the other party. You never know quite know how it truly is being interpreted on the other side. These are our personal boundaries but may be perfectly acceptable to others.

Personally I wouldn't like it. But at the same time it doesn't sound too worrying to me. The way she acted however, no. Something not right there. Females KNOW females. I've been introduced over the years to many women who have had a 'thing' for my OH (not in work) and got the exact same reaction. She may like him, he may be totally innocent but is liking the attention/leading her on? There may be nothing? They may be more friendly in work but only text cleverly out of work to seem like nothing is going on - who knows?

I don't want to worry you but at the same time this doesn't point either way to me. There could be something, there may well be not. You know your husband - is this the way he has always been with lots of different people or is this out of character? That will give you your answer.

Honestly based on your previous conversation, I wouldn’t put your husband in the “ones you least suspect” box. He’s definitely in another box all together, obviously so based on what he said to you about this woman.

Sounds like he doesn’t really care about her but us happy to use her.

I think it's patently obvious they are both enjoying ego stroking and she fancies him. However I'm not sure it warrants changing your whole perception of him. You said yourself, who wouldn't feel good about having someone fancy them. I think you need to be honest about having read his texts, and warn him that he is being stupid.
It's how he reacts after that, that's telling. If he takes it well, feels chastened and cuts back to just work, he is the man you hoped. If he doesn't, you have a major problem.

I suppose I meant before this work thing
He has never done anything like this before

Sounds like the start of an emotional affair. Flirtation, regular texting, sharing personal details. I'd monitor.

Do you work, OP? It's really important that women with children do not fully rely on their husbands/partners financially. You need a safety net.

Interestingly I've come out of my shell in recent years. After years of being overweight, lacking confidence, bogged down with babies.
Had a blip with mental health this year due to bereavement but I look so much better, have got really fit and strong, taken up hobbies.
I just wonder if he felt I'd changed too and this could be part of it
He's been happy for me, don't get me wrong. But he mentioned how men look at me. I just wonder if the attention from her makes him feel better because part of him felt threatened by the new me.
I don't know. Just thinking it through.

I don't work

The only way forward is to ask him about it and tell him how it makes you feel. Be honest. Just tell him what you’ve told us and then decide how you two are going to handle it. He’s your husband; you should be able to have these conversations, and if you can’t, there’s a problem.

Then why say he can handle her. That speaks of experience.

The normal reaction to an unreciprocated crush is formality and distance. He went straight to using it for his own advantage, because he “can handle her”. Of course he has done it before. She is his work wife. She will be loyal and territorial. That suits him and his patronage will suit her career too. They are a tight little team few people will cross.

Yes I can have the conversation. Will happen today.
Thanks wise women of Mumsnet

I've just read the whole thread - seems like an ego stroking on both sides if you ask me! It doesn't sound like an affair but I think this needs nipping in the bud sooner rather than later.

What would you ask him to do?
Stop texting in the evening?
Keep the tone formal?
Stop her buying my kids presents?

That's what i would have said about my DH, before I found out about his EA.

They have to work together!