What are normal boundaries when your DH texts female work colleagues?

[Bedsidedrawer]

DH, I just discovered, has been texting a female co-worker pretty frequently. Sometimes in the evening, out of work hours etc
It's 99 percent work stuff, fine. But there's a slightly flirty, friendly tone. Actually I don't recognise this man in the texts as he certainly doesn't text me in this way. For example lots of emojis (winking, tounge out etc), sometimes kisses, references to her favourite TV programmes, asking how she got on at doctors.
I just wanted to ask advice because I'm not sure if I'm being jealous unnecessarily or actually this is out of normal boundaries.
I met her once and her reaction to me was odd. All his other colleagues were friendly, she just shrunk back. Seemed unnerved by me, can't quite explain it. Before I knew about the texts I remember finding her interaction a bit strange.
Not much in DH behaviour to suggest affair but I've not been as happy recently. I find him unemotional and I feel things haven't been quite as great. We did have a bereavement that left us feeling for a while though.

If he had a lot of friends and texted a lot in a similar way to both men and women I wouldn't worry, he would just seem an outgoing friendly guy, but it does sound like that may not be the case. I would feel a bit uncomfortable with him having one special friend who is female.

If the conversation is 99% work stuff, I'm not sure what the worry is? Chances are the "style" of the texts is a continuation of whatever office banter they have going on. Plus it's hard to read context in texts anyway.

I would have no issue with texts being 99% about work.
I wouod have an issue with the time of the text vs the time he uses for you because it suggests there is an issue with your relationship rather than an issue with him having an unacceptable relationship with with her iyswim.

That’s what I would concentrate on.

I would speak to him OP. Gut feeling counts for a lot in my book, and while it’s not a guarantee that this would go any further, this has the red flags of a potential affair, emotional or otherwise, all over it. I speak from experience I’m afraid, having been one of the scummy parties. Something I’ll always be ashamed of.

With the exception of the kissy faces, that pretty much describes my messages with my co-workers (male & female). Lots of emoji's, gifs, memes. Slightly dirty jokes. Mostly work stuff, but with inside jokes as well. I work with these people 8+ hours a day and we're a close team who likes each other.

I don't fancy ANY of them.

Fair enough @HulksPurplePanties but why then did she react very strange to me when I met her.

In my opinion it sounds like they are just being overly friendly atm and a bit of flirting but this isn’t acceptable when he’s in a relationship.
I would definitely urge you to talk to him and tell him you feel uncomfortable about it and out of respect for you, to stop the texting.

My ex did this kind of chatty/friendly texting with OW, I tried to accept it as harmless banter, 2 years later it had turned into a full blown affair!

I hear you op, and her reaction does sound odd. I just wanted to say about him habit a different persona in the texts with her. I think that is something that just happens sometimes and not necessarily a problem. A make colleagues called my dh yesterday and I noticed that as usual, he goes into a blokey, less middle class voice sort of persona. There relationship is all about banter and making each other laugh. He is much softer and more gentlemanly with me.
I have a work persona too, based on feeling warmly towards my colleagues and very relaxed in their presence, but a more polished/ edited version of me because there is no intimacy.

From your info I would say you’re husband is enjoying the attention, and finding it a lovely distraction from the daily grind. This position is not without its dangers, especially as the woman seems attracted?

Excuse the typos , english is my first language despite my last post!

For example lots of emojis (winking, tounge out etc), sometimes kisses, references to her favourite TV programmes, asking how she got on at doctors.
Yuk! What a disrespectful man. No you are not being controlling. It’s way too intimate and is getting off on egos / flirtation. Do you text friends like that? No none of us do.

What to do about it though? Crikey it’s a minefield. I think sometimes the only way is to jolt someone out of it. By action and that can be hard. Imagine if you had a colleague like that.

You could try talk to him but in my experience that rarely works.

I'm just gutted. We have had an amazing marriage.
He's been wonderful
But I think in the last year, the bereavement, work stress, I've had anxiety and mild depression and raising kids etc - it's left a slight weakness.
I think I need to be up front and we need to work at some things.

To me if you're texting female work colleagues who are not out-of-work friends that you would socialise with your wife then you're starting to cross boundaries but then that's how my husbands emotional affair started so I probably have my own, tighter, boundaries around this kind of thing.

I would be honest and calm with him and say it's made you anxious as it seems so out of character and who is this person? Would she like to come round? Why the idle chit chat about her life?

I think we all have very different boundaries to be honest. I have no idea who DP messages, how often etc.

But if you've seen something that makes you feel uncomfortable definitely don't just let it brew - talk to him.

I wouldn’t mention the colleague and how it makes you feel. I think that if you do, you will automatically fall into the ‘she is jealous when there is no need to’ category and this is not where your issue is.

But YY t9 talking about your relationship with him with the aim to make things better and bring you back to where you were before.
Depending on how things are, suggest couple counselling too.
You’ve had a lot to deal with recently. It’s bound to change things. It doesn’t mean it has to change your relationship for the worse.

but why then did she react very strange to me when I met her.

Maybe she's a bit introverted? She may have a small office crush on your DH and felt odd?

Honestly I always find it weird running into colleagues outside the office. It's like their context is gone. And I never know what to say to their significant others, and it's not just me, ran into 2 colleagues at the mall this weekend when I was with my DH & DC's and it was so awkward.

To me if you're texting female work colleagues who are not out-of-work friends that you would socialise with your wife then you're starting to cross boundaries

I wouldn't want to socialize with any of my work colleagues outside work. I see them enough during work. However, I'm happy to send them a stupid meme or ask if they got on at the doctors ok if I knew they were going.

I would say nothing has happened. But they are beginning to become more friendly than expected. I would tread carefully.

To me if you're texting female work colleagues who are not out-of-work friends that you would socialise with your wife then you're starting to cross boundaries

How controlling do you sound? So you’re not allowed to socialise with a colleague of the opposite sex without your partner being there to police you? Weird.

I dont think how he is texting his colleague is an issue in itself. I text male colleagues like that. I also text female colleagues and friends like that though so it's not out of character for me. My question would be, does he text other people like this? Would he send chatty texts to friends or neighbours to ask how they got on at the doctors? Does he know his mates favourite tv shows? If it's out of character for him then it's a bit of an issue as he is treating her differently to everyone else in his life. And her reaction would also ring alarm bells. I think you need to say something

I think it is reasonable to say something like, you text .... a lot. See what he says and open a discussion about it.

Such conflicting messages! Not saying any of you are wrong, it's just hard to judge if I should raise this or dismiss it as me being a bit controlling/jealous

Such conflicting messages!

It's really hard for us to say since we don't know your DP and we're all coming at it from our own perspective. As someone coming from a jokey, close knit, office, I see nothing wrong with it. Others, who've had partners get into emotional affairs, might see things differently. Only you know your partner OP.

I wouldn't say anything yet ... I'd just keep an eye on things for a bit ... like a PP said .. keep a watching brief .

I'd actually be more concerned about him asking how she got on at the doctors than the flirty emojis. It suggests they're sharing intimate details of their lives, which is something you normally do with your partner / people who are very close to you.

(And yes, I know lots of people are now going to say it's totally normal for colleagues to ask how you got on at the doctors, but it stood out to me in the OP.)

Yes of course.
I suppose it's the fact that it's just her, not others from work.
He's working from home this pm so I have a chance to talk to him without kids here.
I feel I have two options. Say we just need to make sure we work at things but don't mention her. Then just keep an eye.
Or mention her but in a calm way and see his reaction.
I absolutely don't think they are actually having an affair. But as some have said, it still feels wrong and once boundaries are looser who knows where it could lead