What are normal boundaries when your DH texts female work colleagues?

[Bedsidedrawer]

DH, I just discovered, has been texting a female co-worker pretty frequently. Sometimes in the evening, out of work hours etc
It's 99 percent work stuff, fine. But there's a slightly flirty, friendly tone. Actually I don't recognise this man in the texts as he certainly doesn't text me in this way. For example lots of emojis (winking, tounge out etc), sometimes kisses, references to her favourite TV programmes, asking how she got on at doctors.
I just wanted to ask advice because I'm not sure if I'm being jealous unnecessarily or actually this is out of normal boundaries.
I met her once and her reaction to me was odd. All his other colleagues were friendly, she just shrunk back. Seemed unnerved by me, can't quite explain it. Before I knew about the texts I remember finding her interaction a bit strange.
Not much in DH behaviour to suggest affair but I've not been as happy recently. I find him unemotional and I feel things haven't been quite as great. We did have a bereavement that left us feeling for a while though.

Don't ask him to do anything.
Tell him how you feel then he needs to take steps to change things - if you ask him to stop talking to her or whatever he'll just hide it better.

Here's an example
'no problem missus. Hope you're taking it easy today. Enjoy xx

Is it the number of texts per day that's upsetting you too? That text by itself is harmless, but I understand where you're coming from. My dh & text woman would exchange 10/20 texts per day. It was the familiarity I didn't like. She knew his routine. She'd text early morning - 6:30 just to say hi.

I would explain to him that he is leading her on, that she has a crush on him and that she maybe vulnerable and that it could all blow up in his face one day. He can revert to friendly but professional and hope the young woman finds someone more appropriate to flirt with. Also - it hurts your feelings and that really is not on.

Can you get a job op? I was a sahm and felt really vulnerable when it all kicked off. It pushed me into getting a job - only 12 hours a week at the moment, sometimes more to cover other shifts, but it's boosted my self esteem. Admittedly I'm now dealing with anxiety, but I think that's due to peri menopause!

Well DP did this and I

• played the pick me dance and did my hair etc. Worked temporarily. Made me feel crap longer term. Like I could never just relax.
• talked to him and reasoned. He loved it. Told me I was jealous. Carried on and told EA that I was stopping him seeing her and they bonded even more. Sigh...
• went and got myself some attention from male colleagues and this did really work! DP suddenly couldn’t be bothered with his EA and was quite jealous.

So in the end nothing really worked as no relationship can stand up to having to compete for love continuously, just because a new unobtainable women brushes their ego.

He’s being horrible.

My normal boundaries are that there is very little need for anyone to text any colleague outside of work, unless you are also good friends with them and meeting up socially.

Catan that is awful but a really good observation........first thing in the morning and last thing at night would indicate a 100% preoccupation with the other person - as opposed to just random friendly banter.

OP the more you talk about your RS - the more I am thinking that there have been shifts, challenges and changes - positive and negative and you are maybe not yet in sync and adapting at the same place.

This is a new chapter for you, your marriage and your family - focus on getting him back in sync positively.

Work on your marriage positively - make time for your RS and give him more attention. This woman might be a red herring it might drag you into a negative place with him. Try the positive stuff first and see how he responds - that will tell you if you need to bring her up at a later stage?

She isn't a young woman. She's older.
Not that this means anything. But she's not vulnerable in that sense.
He is technically her boss though.

Eurgh yuk her boss.

Well it’s definitely not respectful to you.

Personally I’d just be truthful, say I picked up the phone and had seen the texts, that it had made me anxious because she’d seemed a bit funny with me before etc. I’d be really pleasant but I’d say that it was tricky for you because the contact between you and DH hadn’t been on those cuddly intimate terms for the last year - everything you’ve said here really. Get working on the marriage.

My DH wouldn’t do this but to be fair he is quite reserved. I had a male colleague who I was close to - we’d chat for hours and still text now but there were/are some big differences - he was married to the love of his life and both me and him would chat to our other halves about the conversations we had (me and his wife had good chats on the phone and he’d also chat to my husband), I wouldn’t ever go into that cuddly ‘you rest up and watch your favourite tv show’ territory and nor would he. To me that’s crossing a line, but as others say people are very different. You are allowed your own lines though!

Mmmm.... kisses in the message are out of order as well as the regularity of it all.

I would be seriously pissed off and you are not being controlling.

My normal boundaries would be that DH shouldn't need to be texting a work colleague when he isn't at work. That's it. If I found that he'd been sending overly friendly texts, I'd pack his bags for him. I'm not a controlling type of person, but work is work and when he's at home , I expect him to be living in my world, not still hanging about in hers.

work is work and when he's at home , I expect him to be living in my world, not still hanging about in hers.

Very well put!

I would mention you have noticed a lot of texting and think it’s a bit OTT and it’s upsetting you , would he mind cutting it back somewhat and less of the personal chit chat please and see how he reacts.

I suppose his reaction will be key. Dreading it

I was going to post that the subject of kisses in written text is one of the great dividing issues of our time (much more significant than Brexit, ha ha). To some people (like me) I would never put kisses on a communication with someone that I would not kiss in real life - I don't mean snog but like kiss on the cheek. So close friends (female and male), family - that's it.

Other people, however, are indiscriminate text kissers, often in amusingly inappropriate ways. I've just seen someone having a rant about Brexit on someone's Facebook page that finishes with a X .. and that's a guy. I had a work colleague (male) who used to finish all his work emails with a kiss, I don't think he ever got how weird this was.

So, I was going to say you can only judge the kisses by whether your DH is a sensible person who only puts text kisses on certain correspondence, or an indiscriminate text kisser like the people mentioned above. However, even an indiscriminate text kisser should know better than to put kisses on a message to someone who works for them.

Her reaction could just be part of her crush, and designed to make you have the exact reaction you are having. The 'you never said she was pretty' is an absolute classic of the passive-aggressive genre. Potentially highly manipulative on her part.

But he should not be engaging in this kind of informal correspondence with someone who works for him. I do it all the time - with friends and even with my customers, most of whom I have known for years. But never with a boss-type person except on one occasion with a very, very old friend.

He is not an indiscriminate text kisser no.
He would definitely not message like this with a male colleague.
I'm angry now. But going to keep calm.
I still don't think it's a full blown affair and despite the tough year he has still been a loving husband and dad in many ways. He is always here, he supported me through anxiety and low mood. Took me away for my birthday and we got on great etc
There are none of the usual signs of an affair.
However this could be the start of a dangerous path. And if he's just using her for work reasons that's a side to him I've not seen.

He could be enjoying the attention OP. If you've had a difficult time. Saying that, I wouldn't be happy to find these messages. Especially as he doesn't text others in the same way.

It might not be an affair, or even the start of something, but it's still not appropriate (imo)

I always find it wierd on Mn when people talk about nipping it in the bud.. As if their spouses are naughty toddlers.
You cannot tell another adult what they can or can't do, it's his choice, not yours how he behave s.

But, if something your spouse is doing is making you uncomfortable in the relationship then you should tell them so, explain why it makes you feel uncomfortable, and state what action you would prefer.. E. G. No kisses on txt.. Or whatever you want to feel secure again.

I'd also point out that what he sees as harmless friends chat, she might be reading more into it and if he is decent bloke he would not want to hurt her by allowing that misunderstanding to continue.

What he then does with the information you feel unhappy is up to him.

I also find it odd spouses feel they can dictate that their partners do not txt people from work once out of work.. Don't people make friends at work? I have lots of lovely friends who I met at work who I freely txt at all times about stuff.

.

Currently a male colleague, who I know is married with 3 kids, is messaging me. We have a banter-type working relationship but also a friendship. I work in the same office with this man and our work means we cross paths every few days. Initially it started off very professionally but he has said a few things that have made me stop and wonder 'what exactly is he thinking?' - I've had compliments on my appearance and it can get flirty at times. I just think that is his personality though and he has a very laddish-type nature with male colleagues.

I like this man, not romantically, but as a person and friend. I am happily married with my own family and he knows that and I would never do anything to risk it. Ive spoken to him about my husband and my child in endearing ways, so if anything, in my head I am putting it out there that I am content, secure and happy with my relationship etc. He too has spoken of his wife and children in favourable way as well which makes me think its just all a bit of banter. Also, as stupid as this may sound, I generally get on better with men than I do women. I have a very close group of friends who are a mix of male/female but usually I find female work colleagues very catty towards me despite me being exactly the same with men and women - and I've never known why this is. So I have never seen my friendship with him as being an issue.

If he crossed a line with suggesting anything, or put me in a position where I thought he was acting in a way my husband wouldn't appreciate, i would stop messaging him, the lunches and all communication apart from anything work related immediately. We too talk about a range of stuff, initially started with work but has gone off to a range of topics but it is just friendly chit chat in my eyes. We just get on like good friends. Admittedly, he texts me first, like 99% of the time. I never really thought badly of it but I would feel horrible if his wife felt the way you feel of our communication.

That said, i have never met his wife, but if I ever do I would never feel I had to be anything else but me. Do you think there was an element of her not wanting to make you feel threatened? I dont know, just making a suggestion.

If you feel really strongly about this, perhaps bring it up with your OH. Good luck, honestly I hope its nothing but good to hear your perspective on it.

I must say I'm finding the hard lines some of you draw with your husbands and their colleagues truly surprising. OP, the text you put as an example has the sort of tone as i get from my male colleagues (who are also my friends) a lot, and are also very similar the the tone DH sends and received from his female colleagues. I remember DHs aunt went mad at me once because she felt me telling my male best friends I loved them was disrespectful, and I was really perplexed. I suppose it just depends on the sort of marriage you have and the type of spouse you have. DH messages his female colleagues all the time the big difference being I've met them though and I really like them too, as he has mine.

My instinct? He knows that she has a longtime crush and he’s enjoying the attention.

If he wanted a fling with her he’d have started one by now given that she’s fancied him for quite a while

• after all, she’s an open goal. But no, he just wants an ego boost.

She was awkward around you because she has feelings for your husband and is envious and embarrassed. Fair enough.

He’s using her. For her sake as much as yours, he needs to stop. The fact that he’s senior at work adds to the wrongness - he could find himself in receipt of a solicitor’s letter if she ever has a mind to be vengeful.

I just think it's not right if he is her boss and he's calling her 'missus', ending texts with kisses etc. That's unprofessional and is crossing a line for me.

When you spend more time with these people a week than your loved ones, texts outside of work time are really intrusive in my view.