What are normal boundaries when your DH texts female work colleagues?

[Bedsidedrawer]

DH, I just discovered, has been texting a female co-worker pretty frequently. Sometimes in the evening, out of work hours etc
It's 99 percent work stuff, fine. But there's a slightly flirty, friendly tone. Actually I don't recognise this man in the texts as he certainly doesn't text me in this way. For example lots of emojis (winking, tounge out etc), sometimes kisses, references to her favourite TV programmes, asking how she got on at doctors.
I just wanted to ask advice because I'm not sure if I'm being jealous unnecessarily or actually this is out of normal boundaries.
I met her once and her reaction to me was odd. All his other colleagues were friendly, she just shrunk back. Seemed unnerved by me, can't quite explain it. Before I knew about the texts I remember finding her interaction a bit strange.
Not much in DH behaviour to suggest affair but I've not been as happy recently. I find him unemotional and I feel things haven't been quite as great. We did have a bereavement that left us feeling for a while though.

I think perhaps rather than a big issue about something that is quite probably innocent, maybe you should take seeing these messages as a bit of a wake up call that there is currently a weakness in your relationship. Start talking to your DH about how you feel his work texting in the evenings is having a negative impact on your marriage. Talk about the bereavement, your MH issues. Start trying to make more time for each other including regular date nights. When you feel more secure in your marriage, you are less likely to over react to little things. At the same time, when your marriage is more enjoyable for your DH with better communication and fun time then he will be far less likely to cross any lines in future.

Didn’t you post a thread asking the same thing over the weekend? You said on that one that his friend was off with you and your DH said it’s because she hadn’t realised how good looking you were?

Of course if this is the work dynamic (and a lot of the text is work stuff) then I stop that or he stops it - could this affect his work?
Not that I'd stop him texting her about work, of course not. But perhaps the fact he engages like this means she works well with him if that makes sense.

If he was my friend, I would advise him to pull back from what is unprofessional behaviour. Workplace friendships can go awry for all sorts of reasons. The last thing anyone needs is for friendly and flirty text messages to be used against them. That’s why we have professional boundaries at work and more formal communication styles and methods.

If you think she is crushing on him then tell him. It has implications for their working relationship and he does need to pull back because this is one of the ways work friendship go awry

If you think he is crushing on her then tell him for the same reasons.

Yes I did post at weekend
But thought I'd get a better response here as it's relationships.
Yes she did say to my DH 'you didn't tell me your wife was pretty' or something to this effect.
This is not a stealth boast! I'd just put make up on and brushed my hair for goodness sake!
But that is an odd thing to say. Why would it matter to her if I was a catwalk model or the back end of a bus?

If your feeling uncomfortable about it then something isn’t right. Especially if it isn’t normal behaviour from him. Has he been open and transparent about his relationship with her and his level of contact?

Have a chat with him this afternoon.
Your gut is telling you something so don't ignore it!
I think you need to tell him it makes you uncomfortable and that you realise you both need to work on your marriage more as it's sliding and you don't want the downward spiral to continue.
Good luck OP. Time to get your marriage back on track.

Thank you all by the way
A lot of good advice and it's good to get different perspectives

In my opinion, if he is interacting with her differently than he would with other friends and you, his wife, then that is a massive Red Flag.

It's what happened with my ex and a year later I found out for sure it was an affair.

I would ask outright tbh, because keeping an eye out for further signs is just going to cause anxiety and you will be on the look out all the time. I will always say, trust your instinct. I had spidey senses about the OW and questioned my instinct. I honestly thought my ex would never do anything like that. I did confront him, but he gaslighted me. It was horrendous. Good luck OP.

Agreed that this is is an odd thing to say:

^^Yes she did say to my DH 'you didn't tell me your wife was pretty' or something to this effect.

I’d start by raising a general discussion about your relationship and key a close eye on texting/her.

We've never really talked about her much
She buys our kids expensive Christmas presents even though she has never met them. I always found this a bit odd but convinced myself she was just being kind

I would confront this head on, peoples instincts are rarely wrong on these issues
By watching and waiting you are giving it more time to develop and for him to go further down the rabbit. I would not be happy at all. I would suspect she has always been keen but when you were rock solid there was no "in"
Now that is no longer the case ...
I wouldn't think anything physical has happened and it is certainly early enough to stop anything emotional in its tracks but I do think you need to be frank and up front with him

Buying your kids expensive Christmas presents and the comment about 'not saying that your wife is pretty' are red flags for me. If she had said to your DH that she thought you were really pretty in a complimentary kind of way then I wouldn't have thought anything of it. But to make it sound like she was surprised that you could be attractive is very peculiar. Normal work colleagues don't buy expensive presents for kids they have never met. I have never even had my boss buy my kids a present and I work in a very small business.

Ok, the buying your kids Christmas gifts is weird. I bow out to everyone else now.

If one of us sent you a flirty text full of innuendo & emojis , you could show him and ask if he thought it was ok to be receiving text like this, & what would he do..

You are absolutely not being controlling, you are being calm and measured. I agree with most others, I think it is the potential start of an emotional affair/an affair. But the fact that you have a good marriage and get on well means that if you talk to him now, hopefully that will make him sit up and realize he's being stupid. I would def talk to him today. You sound calm and rational. I would not play games or be vague. I'd tell him you find their relationship odd and that you want both of you to work on recent issues pulling you apart. You trust that nothing has happened so I'd hope that this will make him realise what he could lose and pull himself together. It is very odd and over familiar for her to mention how pretty you are and it sounds like she is the one who has the crush and he is possibly enjoying the playfulness and attention.

I think that's absolutely it
I think she has a crush and he has enjoyed that. Especially as it's been a rubbish year at times.
Who isn't flattered, especially when you are mid life and going through a shit time?

The buying expensive gifts to HIS dcs (not yours together as she doesn’t know you) is very weird!! A token gift I could understand better. Does she have children herself?

Tbh it looks more and more that she is trying to get close to your DH.....

How do I explain reading his texts?!

From all your posts, yes definitely straying into EA territory. Ego stroke, distraction, mild flirting or however it started it needs nipping in the bud. Very telling that you say you don't recognise him from the texts he sends her. Would he send texts like that to a male colleague - complete with all the emojis? Does he enquire via text about Arnold from accounts GP visits?

Absolutely, so I personally would try to nip it in the bud now. I guess it depends on your relationship as to whether you can say you read the texts (no judgement from me, it's bloody hard not to in that situation) but either way, he will either realise he's out of order or not x

Agreed. He is enjoying getting his ego stroked. She’d decided you were some dowdy wife and was pissed off to see you were pretty. I would be very unhappy about their relationship but I’m not sure what I’d do about it as ultimatums are rarely a good idea.

I would expect any texts between DH and a female colleague to be strictly business. Anything more personal (asking about gp appts etc) and I’d be putting a stop to it.

Sounds like she has a bit of a crush/fancy with your DH and your DH isn't helping by flirting with her ! If they're worked colleagues talking about work there is no need for those emojis.

Sounds like he is having an emotional affair with her and likes her attention.

"How do I explain reading his texts?!"

Just be honest and say you borrowed his phone, you weren't prying on purpose but couldn't help notice those messages. That's all you need to say and then explain the context of them has made you feel uncomfortable and questioning the dynamic of their working relationship. Then it's over to him. If he starts acting flustered and defensive on her behalf, rather than yours, then you will know.