What are normal boundaries when your DH texts female work colleagues?

[Bedsidedrawer]

DH, I just discovered, has been texting a female co-worker pretty frequently. Sometimes in the evening, out of work hours etc
It's 99 percent work stuff, fine. But there's a slightly flirty, friendly tone. Actually I don't recognise this man in the texts as he certainly doesn't text me in this way. For example lots of emojis (winking, tounge out etc), sometimes kisses, references to her favourite TV programmes, asking how she got on at doctors.
I just wanted to ask advice because I'm not sure if I'm being jealous unnecessarily or actually this is out of normal boundaries.
I met her once and her reaction to me was odd. All his other colleagues were friendly, she just shrunk back. Seemed unnerved by me, can't quite explain it. Before I knew about the texts I remember finding her interaction a bit strange.
Not much in DH behaviour to suggest affair but I've not been as happy recently. I find him unemotional and I feel things haven't been quite as great. We did have a bereavement that left us feeling for a while though.

Depends if you view your relationship as a friendship. I have no issue with a conversation with friends outside of work, however my boss is not my friend and I wouldn't deem that appropriate. But I have been in roles where the boss is super friendly with the team they manage and meet up outside of work go to concerts, nights out etc. So it doesnt make it wrong as such, i think the OP just needs to establish what type of relationship they have because to text (and receive a reply) would indicate its's a 2-way thing.

The kisses would be a HUGE issue for me and totally out of character too for my DH and by the way you describe your DH the same for him
He is her boss, he is totally playing with fire.
How he reacts will tell you everything. I was in a similar position not so long ago, in fairness when I told him to cut all communication he did and didn't seem bothered. Total ego trip the whole thing but if it had gone on longer and I had not found out who knows
I would have probably got the "i love you but I'm not in love with you" speeches a year down the line. I was "lucky" though as she wasn't interested and was purely using him for work contacts. If she had been who knows and he too is the last person you would ever think of to do such a thing type

He says she is like this with everyone. That it's work politics and style of conversation. He plays along because of work politics.
He did admit texts could look inappropriate in isolation but assured me he has no feelings for her and that our marriage is most important thing. So agreed not to respond in kind but keep it formal. He said he loves me and we need to talk more and have more quality time.
He did say he genuinely wasn't aware of kisses. That his persona is different at work and in work conversation because of the environment etc

@Bedsidedrawer glad to hear you had a chat and he had acknowledged your feelings x all the best

I'd be raging! But then I can be a psycho jealous wife...

That is a bit too over friendly however, it would certainly make me uncomfortable!

Hmm, I think that’s a good outcome. He’s fibbing imo saying he ‘genuinely’ doesn’t notice the kisses (he’s sending them ) but it does sound as tho he’s responded positively and this will hopefully shift his focus moving forward.

Nope wouldn't have it. This is how affairs start. Testing the water , a little flirt and an emoji. I'd be fuming....

This is very familiar to me. My DH did this for a few years with a female from work. Though he was also very protective of his phone. The few texts I did see I felt uncomfortable with. Just as you describe, attention to detail that he wouldn't pay to anyone else (including me), a better rapport than we had. I think you are right to address it head on. In my situation I didnt want to as thought I was being unreasonable but it slowly ground me down and I realised I had totally distanced myself. I think if I'd discussed it sooner that may not have happened. Though in fairness I did. He just carried on, i just never pushed it again.

Make sure you communicate. It's ok for you to have your boundaries, and if he's overstepping them, it's ok to say that and hear each other out.

At the moment it isn’t anything serious but I could see it becoming something more.

Really interesting to hear some of the comments and people’s views on what the boundaries are with this.

I’ve had close female work friends and also had an emotional affair through work and I would say the differences in texts were:

Female friends is chatty and bantery. Texts might be sometimes frequent but nearly always work based.
With an EA there’s an intimacy and energy more similar to two people starting to date e.g. getting to know each other on a deeper level. There might be pet names and inside jokes. You find work reasons or make excuses to contact each other because you feel guilty whereas with a female friend you don’t care and you’re more direct.
For me, there’s a very clear difference reading the texts between two friends and two people who like each other.
Trust your gut.

That's good, if he means it. How did you bring it up, out of interest? And what was his initial reaction.

God there's always the fucking cool wives on these threads aren't there. 'My husband gets his cock out and shows other women, but I trust him. You sound controlling'.

No, texting a work colleague kisses and flirting is not normal. Yes it crosses a line. Yes most people would confront their spouses and go batshit.

That his persona is different at work and in work conversation because of the environment etc

Weird work environment. They all go around kissing each other and flirting at work? Doesn't sound particularly professional does it or true.

I have a friendship with an ex colleague. I’m single, he is married. Without fail he puts xxx at the end of his messages. About a year ago he started having problems at home and the volume of messages ramped up. He was sharing stuff I didn’t need to know and being occasionally inappropriate if he had been drinking. I backed right off and basically told him he was a friend, he needed to sort his own life and marriage out and that he couldn’t use me as his emotional outlet.

Several months later and he gets in touch to tell me things are good. Home has settled down by investing a lot more time into each other. Back to have you started buying Xmas presents yet? And check out this documentary.

As I have a small circle of friends I am relieved but I can see how easily things can get out of hand and am pleased to hear that your DH is now more aware of how it is making you feel. The lines can get blurred if you aren’t careful and particularly if things have been tough at home.

The truth is if you shouldn’t even have to be asking what the boundaries are. If you feel it is inappropriate, that is exactly what it is, absolutely no question.

When my ex H started having an affair with a work colleague I didn’t see any texts etc. I just felt that something wasn’t right and his behaviour was odd. One day (Boxing Day infact) I just asked him if he was having an affair. He denied it of course but I could just tell). So I thought I would just wait and watch. 5 weeks later I found a second phone in his suit. That was it. I asked him to leave.

It also doesn't sound very professional and their behaviour could easily be misinterpreted, not just by you, but also the women in question and their work colleagues.

I would have the discussion with your husband and just let him know that you read some of his texts and that they sound flirtatious and unprofessional.

Perhaps talk about your insecurity but try to keep the discussion factual. Make it clear you are on accusing him of anything, but rather trying to establish clear boundaries. The last thing he needs is a disgruntled female work colleague, who down the line could put in a sexual harrassment complaint, when she realises your husband isn't interested in her in "that way".....

I just had a similar incident with my husband and one of his female work colleagues, who is very flirtatious with him. I told him how I felt and that it wasn't very professional. He agreed and said he hadn't thought about it from that perspective, and that she was flirtatious with all the men in the office and not just him. He reassured me that I had nothing to worry about and he would make an effort to discourage her attention towards him... We didn't fight and it was an easier then expected conversation.

Good luck!

Personally, I find any texts with emojis, kisses, etc. to work colleagues all a bit strange to be honest. Aren't they just colleagues? To me it's totally inappropriate.

Perhaps I'm old fashioned, but work is work and not the place for this type of thing.

Totally inappropriate behaviour and I would be furious if I saw my partner texting another woman like that.

I hope your conversation has now put an end to this 'friendship'