What the fuck else can I do to find a partner?

[UnaCorda]

I have tried: OLD (Guardian Soulmates, Love and Friends, Plenty of Fish, Ivory Towers, eHarmony, OkCupid, Match...) various apps (Tinder, Bumble, Hinge...), speed dating, singles' events, evening classes, post-graduate degrees, friends of friends, general networking, walking groups, residential courses, singles' holidays, general going out, inc. to films, plays, restaurants, solo holidaying, chatting to people on the bus (occasionally - I'm not the bus nutter), even some talking therapy and STILL I'M SINGLE after well over a decade.

What else can I possibly do? I don't want to be single, I don't want to be celibate, I don't want to be lonely, I don't want to be on my own all the fucking time.

I'm not hideous, I don't smell, not overweight (not that being overweight means you can't be in a relationship), I'm introvert but not paralyzingly awkward in company, I work, have my own flat, lots of interests, and only one cat. I have a very straightforward life with no children or ex-husbands to complicate things. Why is it so difficult to meet someone?

Feel for you OP and ive only been single 2 years. I do think you have to keep your mind very open with looks as I've noticed those who are happy seem to be with men who might be shorter than the usual 6Ft or not as gorgeous etc. Just normal, decent blokes. Other than that, just try and be happy/join the dating thread here and have a moan there x

@ukgift2016

I'm really not talking rubbish. You seem to think I'm informing OP she needs to turn into Claudia Schiffer and "poof" problem solved

This is precisely what I meant by reading between the lines, which you clearly haven't.

OP might be a stunner. OP might be average. Who knows. It's not about being a beauty. It's about feeling the best you. You carry yourself differently, you have a confidence that's attractive. It's an internal feeling that some fairly small external tweaks can prompt.

As I said, I've looked like a sack of spuds for months and have been invisible. I didn't become ravishingly beautiful overnight on Thursday, I did my hair and makeup and put some clothes that weren't akin to a tent on. Not exactly a miracle transformation.

But the difference in how people reacted to me was significant. Again whether that's because I felt good and that showed in my demeanor which made me approachable, or it was more fickle and just because I physically looked better that people approached me? Hard to say. But I was treated very differently.

You don't have to like it, I don't particularly like it that I'm somehow "worth" acknowledging depending on exterior tweaks, but it's the way it is.

OP asked for advice meeting people. That's one way of potentially making herself more approachable.

What I did was OLD and decide to agree to one drink with anyone who got in touch. It certainly honed my chit chat skills, made me more socially confident, and I met DH about seven dates in. I would NEVER have thought we'd work based on his profile but we're ten years in and happy. Also, drop the OLD filters and target the short men, there is literally 90% less competition for them.

@ShatnersWig I'd think a bit more laterally about your dealbreakers. I'm a huge reader and thought I'd never be with someone who wasn't. DH doesn't read much at all but is very knowledgeable about music and is super-clued up about current affairs. In OP's shoes I'd reframe "passionate about theatre" as "interested in culture and open-minded to trying new things".

The people I know who are single seem to be because they, consciously or unconsciously, decide to be. They may talk about dating but they never give it or the person a chance. Honestly they make their dates sound like a challenge not dissimilar to a subtle, or not so subtle, interrogation. Expectations of people and feelings are set way too high early on.

It takes far more than a few dates to get to know someone well enough to judge them. The first few dates are always incredibly artificial anyway. Plus we are prone to make quick and unfair judgements and comparisons.

My advice would be to drop the check lists and to give people a chance to relax and be themselves. That’s going to take a bit of time.

Also, drop the OLD filters and target the short men, there is literally 90% less competition for them. so true! Unfortunately that is one of my three criteria! Just can’t be with short men anymore.

It’s:
Tall
Reasonable job
Personality compatibility - which I guess reflects me - loyal, kind, warm.

Anything else I can look at!

OP one of the biggest things for me that changed everything was becoming pretty sexually hot.

This didn’t happen for some years! Took me 8 years to find another partner.

I didn’t realise that for a long time I was studiously doing OLD etc you name it, whilst juggling senior job and single parenting, but I’d lost my sex appeal I’d just shut that side of me down.

Then I met a couple of guys that were just so sexy! I tell you a few kisses in and I just started glowing. I just remembered a side of myself I’d forgotten. I foolishly fell for those guys but obviously they were just riding on their charisma and weren’t going to stay around for single parent me. However, instead of shriveling up again in pity I just relaxed into it... just let myself and my own me shine a bit, started to find my flirty self growing inside and just having fun.

Don’t get me wrong, it was still lonely and hard. However I think I clicked from ‘being the nice but slightly serious’ woman to the ‘hey she’s quite fun! And sweet!’ And I stopped judging men on first sight, I was lived more in the moment.

Sorry if that sounds twee but your attitude is everything.

I did choose guys who were sweet though. I still kept my radar and instincts on, I had a few encounters with sexy men who were not nice people and I had to learn to really control the situation whilst I was flirting. I spent time not being sucked in to just talking with one man but by controlling it like a man would - checking out a room and talking to loads before honing in on either a potential man or a potential friend - didn’t matter which.

I still didn’t get anywhere with OLD. Realized woman with kid = drastically reduced chances. Tinder was better. But again quick half hour coffees. I did not have a lot of time!

And eventually I was chatted up through a friend of a friend randomly at a bar. However if I’d not been pretty sexually flirtatious he would have passed me by.

Lemon I can understand that. I do think some people if there is no spark immediately write someone off. I've always offered a second date as long as I didn't dislike them (and always taken up on it, which is nice). But for me, it's clear on the second date whether there is potential or not. I don't expect instant spark, but there's usually some form of chemistry or interest on date two. This is also depends on the dates themselves, what you're doing, how long they last.

I do think some people though can only date people if there is an instant spark, they just aren't wired to have people "grow on them". All of my long-term relationships have come through meeting people in my hobbies and the shared interest.

Wesh I do hear that, but experience has shown me it doesn't work for me. If you're involved in a production and are out two or three nights every week for a few months, you have to "get" it. This is why SO many actors date/marry other actors or those involved in the industry and why most of the people in amateur dramatics tend to both share the hobby and interest; you rarely get one whose other half isn't involved (even if they are backstage rather than onstage).

I want someone who wants to discuss whether Lear was mad from the start or whether than undermines the whole premise of the play. Or whether the Hamlet/Gertrude bedroom scene is a mistaken interpretation of a single academic that gained popular credence. Or whether it's possible to have production of Taming of the Shrew that is faithful to the text and its intention.

Bloody hell @DorothyParkersCat, I'll go to the theatre with you and out for drinks and chat afterwards. My sort of woman. Unfortunately I'm a married woman not a single man, but still that little soliloquy had me sitting up like a meerkat. There must be men out there who are equally passionate about theatre and want that sort of energised conversation. (DH was one. I met him at the theatre, he was the friend of a friend, and we had such a passionate discussion about the play afterwards our friend thought we were rowing and didn't get on. She was very amused to find it was the opposite - pretty much love at first sight.)

Bugger, now I really want to discuss whether Lear was mad from the start....

I'm in a similar position except honestly i haven't put the hours in like you have. Wish i could think of something comforting to say. In my case there's a tiny part of me that's actually afraid of finding someone and compromising myself again - does this ring true for you at all OP?

I don't think your partner needs to share all your interests. I go to the theatre with my friends and DH talks about cars in the pub with his.

I'm mid-forties.

This stuck out for me. I do think MANY men have cut us off at this point as we are not childbearing years. Harsh but true.

I have just gone back on to dating this week! After 10 year relationship and mid forties. And many of the men on tinder I recognize that I dated previously 10 years ago from my friends APp - she is 38 are on there! But funnily enough they must have put cut off at 40, all of them! Even though they are over 40.

Men our age are either looking for a family, even if they won’t admit that consciously, or leaving a family due to mid life crisis

• and none of them want a woman their age.
• they want women in their 30s

Men are scared they are getting to their 50s. They want a younger woman. As young as they can and they are not really caring about whether they are compatible.

So OP I think most of the problem isn’t you. It’s the men.

I know my ex DP who is the same age, mid 40s, he’d rather die than be seen with a woman my age now he’s breaking up with me. He even more needs to prove how verile and manly he is, how strong and fit. He’s joined gyms and sports clubs and is all about showing the world that his next GF is the opposite of me - who he chose because I was a more well rounded and brainy person then. Then he had that luxury as he wasn’t a scared mid 40s person.

Just not sure many avenues are going to be promising due to the age cut off.

I was thinking of lying on the apps as I look younger but honestly it all becomes so tediously superficial.

Like a few others I think London's part of the problem. I didn't meet DH until I moved from a large city to the back of beyond. It's counterintuitive but in a large dating pool there's so much competition and people move on to the next person so quickly. So what to do: give some of the "hey babe" guys a try - just wrote a little message back and see what happens. Men get so few messages in return they're not going to spend time individually crafting thoughtful messages until they know someone is willing to engage with them even slightly.

I met my fiancé/father of my child on POF after many years of trying. My only advice is this: I’ve found that a lot of really great guys are really really terrible at communication via text or online means and sometimes the bloke who messages with a ‘hey babe’ is probably super oblivious to how off putting that comes across.

Of course I’m sure there’s plenty of losers on the end of that line too but at this stage, isn’t anything (within reason) worth a try?

I’m sure it’s already been said but maybe there’s been some really great guys slip through your fingers who might have deserved a second look. My DP was terrible at messaging! I honestly only met up with him because his profile picture was great
And as luck would have it, we hit it off and the rest is history.

Maybe say yes to the guy who perhaps hasn’t wowed you with his conversational skills online and see where a coffee takes you. What have you got to lose?

There will be very few men around that would want a relationship with a woman that has a very good FWB.

@Warmfirechocolate. Agree with this This stuck out for me. I do think MANY men have cut us off at this point as we are not childbearing years. Harsh but true

I would myself only go for men with kids in their 40s . I did ask OP this before if she is only looking at men without kids

I'd rather die single in a ditch with or without Bojo rather than ever respond to a prospective partner who started his communication with "Hey babe".

I wonder if - when you are on a date - you're expecting a spark too soon. With DH I wasn't immediately attracted to him, but I did find him very interesting to talk to. We'd had a couple of dates and I was wondering if I fancied him or not when he had to go away for work for 2 weeks. I've never told him this, but I think those 2 weeks are what cemented our relationship as it gave me time to shake my initial responses and realise that I quite liked him and allowed time to let it develop.

Are you flirty? Do you flirt with your dates?

Are you flirty? Do you flirt with your dates?

What's the point of this question exactly? You might as well ask do you wear dresses, lipstick and live in the 1950s.

If the OP is not a flirty person, she does not need to flirt with her dates. Flirting or not flirting is not the difference between being in a relationship or single.

The difference is whether you met someone who you click with and who fits with you.

I live in London...

Isn't London supposed to have more females than males?

Could you relocate - teachers usually have decent relocation/, emigration prospects. Doesn't have to be permanently, unless you want it to be. Could just be something you do for five years, say.

You have the advantage of being a native English speaker with a core, vocational job - that could open up Oz, NZ, Canada, SA etc.

Isn't London supposed to have more females than males?
Could you relocate

The advice on this thread is barking mad. London is a massive city. It has a population of 8.9 million. Even if there are more females than males, there are TONS of single men. More than you will get in a remote village or a smaller city simply because there are more people.

OP only needs one man! Relocate out of London!?!? ROFL.

What's the point of this question exactly? You might as well ask do you wear dresses, lipstick and live in the 1950s.

Wearing dresses and lipstick is not mutually inclusive with the 50s. I wear dresses, though not lipstick because i can't be arsed and tend to smear makeup all over my face.

Fact is, while it's v lovely to have an intellectual connection etc. dating and partnering is, for the majority of people, about physical attraction and romance ... And when it comes to that we're v simple creatures who are attracted to what we identify as female/male. It's partly nature and partly social conditioning but there it is

Even if there are more females than males, there are TONS of single men.

You're not getting the contradiction in that sentence, are you.

If the proportion of females to makes is skewed that means there is more competition and the men act accordingly.

• males

If the proportion of females to makes is skewed that means there is more competition and the men act accordingly.

The numbers involved in London means that this is barking mad as theory. It would work on a desert island where there were 20 women and 2 men.