What the fuck else can I do to find a partner?

[UnaCorda]

I have tried: OLD (Guardian Soulmates, Love and Friends, Plenty of Fish, Ivory Towers, eHarmony, OkCupid, Match...) various apps (Tinder, Bumble, Hinge...), speed dating, singles' events, evening classes, post-graduate degrees, friends of friends, general networking, walking groups, residential courses, singles' holidays, general going out, inc. to films, plays, restaurants, solo holidaying, chatting to people on the bus (occasionally - I'm not the bus nutter), even some talking therapy and STILL I'M SINGLE after well over a decade.

What else can I possibly do? I don't want to be single, I don't want to be celibate, I don't want to be lonely, I don't want to be on my own all the fucking time.

I'm not hideous, I don't smell, not overweight (not that being overweight means you can't be in a relationship), I'm introvert but not paralyzingly awkward in company, I work, have my own flat, lots of interests, and only one cat. I have a very straightforward life with no children or ex-husbands to complicate things. Why is it so difficult to meet someone?

Mrs Cat! I second that my sister! My friends are amazed I don't have a partner after so long, and tell me I'm too fussy!

Nope I'd rather be without than make do!

Get a man who is ambivalent towards theatre, then when he's in love with you, you FORCE THEM TO LOVE IT TOO grin worked for me! He bought Hamilton tix on a whim last week! Success

Hamilton is a modern musical albeit a good one and amazingly not overrated. When I'm talking about theatre, I really mean plays - Shakespeare, Pinter, Wilde, Shakespeare, Williams, Miller, Shaw, Shakespeare, Checkov, Albee, Shakespeare.

I don't want someone who I've forced to go. I want someone who wants to discuss whether Lear was mad from the start or whether than undermines the whole premise of the play. Or whether the Hamlet/Gertrude bedroom scene is a mistaken interpretation of a single academic that gained popular credence. Or whether it's possible to have production of Taming of the Shrew that is faithful to the text and its intention.

avamiah

^^

OP lives in London

I'd be grateful to get any messages at all on OLD! "Hi babe" would do me just fine...

Solidarity with the OP... I've given up fretting about what's so awful about me, just going to embrace singledom. Unfortunately my landlord doesn't allow cats here though.

Hey Meow does your landlord allow teenagers .....

Some proper twatty replies on this thread!

It is luck. Total luck. I did OLD for years. Loads of first dates (well over 50), almost no second dates. Three I got to Date 2/3 with, and of those 2 ended up in odd dating scenarios which were pretty unsatisfactory. I got negged, manipulated, coerced and ghosted many times. A man I went on a date with (and turned down a 2nd date with) told me he only asked me on a date because 'you looked like an easy fuck'. That's not even the worst thing that was said to me. OLD can be pretty fucking brutal and I don't recommend it.

Eventually by chance I messaged someone who sounded nice. He didn't look my type. But I took a risk. When I met him he looked nothing like his photo (but was exactly my physical type - the photo didn't show this). We were together for 5 years (we're currently working through some issues). But it was pure luck. If I'd not sent that message I'd never have met him.

I do parkrun btw. At ours blokes under 45 mostly all finish in under 20 mins and leave immediately. All other blokes (who take longer than 20 mins) are either over 60. Or under 40 and running with wife and/ or kids. Not a single man in sight. Our parkrun is also about 60/40 women...but the sub 20 min ers are all men, so that skews it further.

No advice, just I've been there and know how it feels. And there's nothing wrong with wanting to share your life with someone. It's what I wanted for years. Despite having lots of good stuff in my life, I really wanted a partner to share it with. I am far happier being part of a team than on my own, and I don't think anyone should feel bad for wanting that. Or buy into advice that they'll meet someone when they're ready, or they stop looking, or other nonsense.

Wishing you luck OP, and others. Because ultimately luck is what it comes down to.

Mrs Cat! I second that my sister! My friends are amazed I don't have a partner after so long, and tell me I'm too fussy!

this is the reality of it. Either you need to embrace your standards and stop complaining about being single, keep doing what you are doing and hope for the best at the same time accepting you may not be lucky or drop your standards.

For myself a major reason why I am single is that for a lot of reasons - including seeing too many women being leeched off by partners who disrespect them behind their backs -that I have no interest in dating anyone who earns less than I do or is not in my ball park. I'm in the top 5% which really restricts my pool. I'm ok with that because I'd rather be single than a fucking meal ticket.

Haha Sisterhood I have a weekend teenager to contend with already, ta

Ugh @UnaCorda I hear you.

I could have written your OP (and nearly did).

Although I was happily single for ages, for some reason I'm so fed up atm of being alone (with DC).

A 2 year LDR just fizzled out as we live in different countries and never saw each other and I feel like the chance of meeting someone new where I live now is damn close to zero.

Friends are great but sometimes you really want another grown up to talk to who's not just a friend.

Nah Mrs Cat you need a "bit of rough"! ;)

I'm not overly interested in the money side. I've just taken a job a third of what I was on. Nothing like your pay packet obviously! I'm getting older and more clear about what I want in life. The ol' work, life, balance milarky! I don't want to do it alone. I know who I am, I don't need a man to validate me. I just want someone to share stuff with.

A couple of decent guys who unfortunately, although I liked them, just didn't do it for me romantically, and a fuck-ton of utter shits.

Yep. This is exactly why I'm still single too.

Although, I'm gay, so the pool of acceptable partners is so bloody small I've nearly abandoned all hope!!

On the plus side, OP, I live in London like you, and there are so many people coming and going that I'm sure we'll each find someone good at some point.

@VelvetSpoon thanks Great post!

Every time I delete another bloody OLA dating app, I think but what if??? A week or so later back on it.

So actually how many years velvetspoon?

Sisterhood - About 5 years of OLD (2009-2014), although in that time I had frequent breaks where I would get so fed up with it I'd delete it all for a couple of months. Then end up going back thinking 'this time it will be better' - the triumph of hope over experience!

I'm not altogether sure luck always comes into it.

Like I say, I've had such a pitiful experience from OLD even though I've always tried to make my profiles interesting. And once I crack my shyness I can hold a reasonable conversation - usually by the third or fourth date (in the very unlikely event I progress beyond a first). And I don't think I'm that repugnant to look at.

I increasingly think it's just the deal I've been dealt. I feel that it's going to take such a very special, idiosyncratic person to tolerate me, and I question more and more whether or not that person even exists.

And that's going to take more than luck.

Tried online dating and it never progressed beyond the second date - even though some of the dates were good fun. I think there was just too much choice on both sides.

Ended up meeting Dh through mutual friends - was much more organic and slow burning. I thought he was cute but didn’t seriously consider him as although objectively good looking he was not my type Physically or personality wise (quieter than what I went for). What I initially thought was “too quiet” before we dated turned out to be self assured, compassionate, intelligent and mature as a husband - and now he is the embodiment of my type physically.

So for me it was a combination of luck and going out of my comfort zone in terms of exploring potential dates.

DorothyParkersCat I have a question for you and I am asking it in all seriousness and with the greatest of respect: Have you ever had it suggested to you that you might have some traits of what used to be termed Aspergers?

(Aspie mum here!)

Meow tolerate you?? Anybody would be lucky to have you I'm sure!! Putting your selfishness of not taking my teenagers, aside that is!

We will find someone, but let's carry on enjoying our life and friends and jobs.

If anyone can't see the special you inside. Their loss!! Nothing to do with you, I'm sure!!!

I really like the OP, she talks absolute sense. Some of the replies are funny- get your hair done etc- when OP has already said she gets her hair done by the style director at Toni and Guy. Think she's ok in that department.

Agree that it's mostly just luck. Good luck OP.

DorothyParkersCat - I totally get your point on the theatre but you can still have those conversations with someone who, initially, professes no interest in theatre.

I found that as my partner and I grew together as a couple we both adopted (some of) each others interests. You just have to share your knowledge and opinions and discuss what you're interested in. I guess it depends on the person but if passion shines through then that can easily spark interest in someone (especially if they're interested in you - which if you're dating they should be). Maybe the first few conversations re Shakespeare it'll be a bit one way for you but over time your partner would develop this shared interest with you.

I guess the kicker is how much time do you invest in trying to cultivate a shared interest before giving up. My husband probably spent a couple of years talking at me about politics/liberalism but now many years on we have very long two way conversations about it.

OP this sounds rubbish. I am struggling to think of anything that might be useful advice. I suppose the first thing I would wonder is why you are not getting any interest. If you find you are not getting many matches on dating sites it cant be the way you are in person.

Do you have an off-putting job?
Do you live somewhere remote?
Are you unusually tall or short?
What kind of clothes do you wear?
Are you particularly religious?
Is there anything unusual about your appearance at all?

Not saying that any of these are good reasons for not dating someone- just trying to help look for answers.

What are your hobbies? If they're female dominated they won't help.

Sport is usually more male dominated. I'd give ParkRun a go as a PP said.

Also try the Hash House Harriers (nothing to do with the drug hash).

But ultimately you have to actually go on dates. It's a numbers game. It sounds like you haven't been on many in recent years?

Ok, you say you've not going on dates as very few men contact you, and you're doing a shit ton of dating stuff.

So the question is why is no one showing an initial interest, what does your initial profile say about you? What details do you give? And what type of photos do you use, how do you dress and present in them?

If you're not getting any dates, something is falling at that very first hurdle, trying to identify what it is that's making potential partners initially move on by might help. At least in the initial getting to meet them stage

I love the advice on here

• Move somewhere bigger
• I live in London!
• Oh, London's too big!

I think the only thing you haven't tried is a professional match-making service, op - so how about trying that?

@Courtney555 you are talking rubbish. You are obviously an attractive woman. There are MANY women out there who DO make the effort with their appearance but will still be considered 'average' by beauty standards and not get attention.

Try to step outside your bubble.

Keto You said whittle down to no more than five absolute dealbrekers, but now you're suggesting we try to make them not dealbreakers. EVERYONE has some dealbreakers. Those are mine and yes, I have spent YEARS weighing them up, trying to see if I can work around them, or dump them, but it's like telling the OP to "work on yourself". If you're happy with yourself and who you are and what you're looking for, that's a bloody good thing to do and know. If you know what you are, what works for you, what absolutely doesn't work for you, then you are in the best place to meet the right person - isn't that what lots of posters on the thread have said? If I know from experience that someone who doesn't share my passion for theatre and understands that simply won't work for me in the same way that if they are really passionate about sport that's not going to work. I have no interest in sport whatsoever, absolutely none, while theatre is both my work and hobby. So loudnoises ambivalent is no use and there's a lot more to theatre than Hamilton!

And you have to find someone attractive, physically as well as mentally. I have never had a type, physically - I've dated people with all hair colours, assorted heights, assorted body size.

Which is why I come back to luck. Several posters have said "join running clubs, or park run, there's loads of men" and several others have said "done that, there's hardly any men". What works for one won't work for another.

I also think some people have it right about standards. Or maybe some people genuinely find a huge range of people physically attractive and others more limited. I have female friends of 5ft 4 who refuse to date anyone under 6 ft. My 11-year single female friend is attractive, interesting, sporty, intelligent, creative - everyone agrees she's a catch and doesn't get why she's single. Until I point out that she won't date anymore who hasn't got a really muscular body. Now she (and they) are in their early 40s, those are becoming very thin on the ground!