What the fuck else can I do to find a partner?

[UnaCorda]

I have tried: OLD (Guardian Soulmates, Love and Friends, Plenty of Fish, Ivory Towers, eHarmony, OkCupid, Match...) various apps (Tinder, Bumble, Hinge...), speed dating, singles' events, evening classes, post-graduate degrees, friends of friends, general networking, walking groups, residential courses, singles' holidays, general going out, inc. to films, plays, restaurants, solo holidaying, chatting to people on the bus (occasionally - I'm not the bus nutter), even some talking therapy and STILL I'M SINGLE after well over a decade.

What else can I possibly do? I don't want to be single, I don't want to be celibate, I don't want to be lonely, I don't want to be on my own all the fucking time.

I'm not hideous, I don't smell, not overweight (not that being overweight means you can't be in a relationship), I'm introvert but not paralyzingly awkward in company, I work, have my own flat, lots of interests, and only one cat. I have a very straightforward life with no children or ex-husbands to complicate things. Why is it so difficult to meet someone?

Haven't RTFT because I'm lazy & I need to get up & have some crunchy nut cornflakes, but - just adding solidarity & if you find the magic formula, please pass it on to me. Been single for 17 years (I'm 51 with a 21 yr old DS). I've tried loads of OLD & met guys but they've all been just looking for a hookup, and to be frank - they had zero to offer on that front anyway.

Don't mind me, spinstering off to watch some crap on the telly, with my 2 dogs (I might end up with 10 and no bloke)

OP you sound great but it's slim pickings out there for the age range you are looking for. Hope you meet someone soon.

How about dating ShatnersWig?! You sound quite well suited actually

Gemma Sadly, I'm a couple of hours away from London and my fifth dealbreaker is I don't do long distance relationships!

I found reading Tracey Cox's book Hot Relationships really helpful. Don't know if it is still in print but it is about really clarifying your values when looking for potential partners. My relationship now is in no way perfect but we have been together for 15 years.

I wish I had the balls to audition for First Dates. I'd love to see who they matched me with! Sadly I'd rather stick pins in my eyes than go on TV and I don't have enough cash for a proper matching service

They often do really well matching people up on First Date. I'd happily pay them to fix me up with a few dates. But no way I'd go on the show - Twitter is merciless!!

Omg. I understand too.

Mumsnet should have a dating thread to arrange dates!

Dance classes (ballroom dancing, swing dancing etc) can be a good way to meet members of the opposite sex, and tend to function as both dancing and dating clubs.

I still subscribe to it being luck more than anything.

BUT as the saying goes if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got. It's partly coincidence, but my only success from OD was when I sent the first message (something I almost never did), messaged someone who looked/ sounded 'nice' rather than anything else.

I actually picked out about 10 all in the same weekend, all of whom seemed nice or kind or quirky. Only 4 replied, 2 of those petered out after 2 messages. I arranged to meet both the others. One stood me up, and the other...we were together for 5 years. So it kind of worked but still a large amount of luck I think.

@shalligoagain There is a dating thread but woe betide you try to date anyone on there! 🙄

I have read 11 of these 12 pages. The Shakespeare discussion was fabulous!! Can anyone start a thread as I'd love to read their discussion...

But anyway, the subject at hand. What has jumped out at me are the shallow things, and some deeper things.

Shallow... men like to fancy their partner. Sexuality is important. If true, worth thinking about. I asked my fiance, met on tinder, why he went for me and he said 'you were hot.' I was shocked at how basic that was. But perhaps true.

Secondly, the list of attributes. Must be this, must be that. My experience with men is that the personality values are more important than the tastes. My fiance listens to Radio 1 and I'm a music freak who wouldn't piss on Radio 1. There was a time I'd never have considered him for that reason. In fact I refused to be in a relationship with him 3 times because I didnt feel he was right, until the day I skipped down the stairs thinking, ooh hes coming tomorrow and I know exactly what sort of good time I'm going to have. And that was down to his personality. Kind, gentle, non judgemental, respectful. Maybe your boring guy might turn out to be reliable, safe, humorous, faithful? So what if he earns less? So what if he doesn't like your hobby?

Another thing I noticed was the OPs low self esteem comments coupled with the decisive language around never meeting anyone. Those two are going to work perfectly together to create that outcome....she said she knows why its there but she cant stop it affecting her. Well, theres the best step...

I am big into language. Saying it, believing it.

And luck? Does luck play a part? I think it does. Which undermines any advice. What's the point in any of it if it will only ever be down to luck??

I did old and it worked. I was clear that I wanted long term proper relationships only. My partner is 6 years younger than me and I initially thought he was not right although felt very protective about not hurting him because he was obviously a very good and decent guy. I think it was pure luck. And me being hot, he says.

I also agree that moving out of London may help. There are loads of single guys where I live.

I also wonder whether the state of gender politics is a factor. Do men want women they can control, old fashioned relationships that we wont allow ourselves to get stuck in now? We dont have to sell out anymore, the downside of which is, we aren't, but then we may remain single until the men catch up....

Really good post @something

I also wonder whether the state of gender politics is a factor. Do men want women they can control, old fashioned relationships that we wont allow ourselves to get stuck in now? We dont have to sell out anymore, the downside of which is, we aren't, but then we may remain single until the men catch up.... some truth in this for us older women I feel. Men tend towards young not just for youth and looks... the relative inexperience.

I just won’t put up with the crap that I used to in relationships.

Stop looking..if its meant to happen it will when your least expecting it

I don't agree - will love swoop down in the supermarket queue ?

@MargotMoon that's a shame, seems a wasted opportunity.

I met my DH online dating in the days when it wasn't so popular and it really is a numbers game (and some luck). If you imagine there's only one king of hearts in a pack of cards, you could turn that card in the first couple of dates, or it could take a whole pack. You just have to keep going.

My only advice is to actively message the ones you like the look of and don't always wait to be messaged.

@aufaitaccompli. Have you tried Pof ? There is a setting for men just looking for curvy women and there are a lot of them of all ages

Oh and I second a Shakespeare thread. Great idea!

I don't agree - will love swoop down in the supermarket queue ?

I have been asked to cook dinner together and get to know each other in a supermarket . I thought it was a great idea, at least if it doesn't eork out you had a dinner. I didn't do it because I had a partner at the time but otherwise I would have.

shalligo if you imagine there's only one king of hearts in a pack of cards, you could turn that card in the first couple of dates, or it could take a whole pack. You just have to keep going

A) but there IS only one King of Hearts and KNOW he's in there
B) you KNOW that you'll meet him within a maximum of 52 cards/dates - there is no guarantee or maximum with people and dating

Shakespeare I played Malvolio once.

Shakespeare I played Malvolio once

We wish to see thee ever cross-gartered.

There's something very wrong with that play the way it is typically directed in the modern world. Malvolio is not stupid. He wouldn't be just cavorting around in a pantomime yellow stockings like a stooge. He is trying to woo Olivia. It doesn't feel quite right. He's too clever for that.

Back to the fixing us all up thread....

Malvolio couldn't find a gf either

@UnaCorda Have you tried a matching agency, as opposed to OLD. One that charges a (often substantial) fee and actually matches what you're both looking for? There are quite a few in London eg drawingdownthemoon.co.uk/

Op, you sound amazing. Sorry if I’ve missed it, you mentioned you had lots of hobbies, does that mean you have a large social network of people and are you an extrovert or introvert?

Asking because I’m an introvert and what worked for me was staying friends with a guy I met on OLD who is an extrovert and the complete opposite to me. He knows loads of people, happily chats and connects with strangers and is a totally relaxed host in a way that I will never be. I’ve met lots of men through him that I never would have met on my own.

Oh I’m sorry, I shouldn’t post on threads when I wake up early! Just read your op again and seen you are an introvert. Do you have extrovert people in your social network who are introducing you to people in their network?

Placemarking as I'm almost 40 and going through a breakup!

I have no advice on dating but if you are considering parkrun, don't be put off by the fact you mention you aren't very sporty. Lots of people go and just walk it. And I mean LOTS of people. It has a really lovely community feel. So definitely a pool of people there. Good luck. And if you're in london and close to Bushy theres over a thousand some weeks!