What the fuck else can I do to find a partner?

[UnaCorda]

I have tried: OLD (Guardian Soulmates, Love and Friends, Plenty of Fish, Ivory Towers, eHarmony, OkCupid, Match...) various apps (Tinder, Bumble, Hinge...), speed dating, singles' events, evening classes, post-graduate degrees, friends of friends, general networking, walking groups, residential courses, singles' holidays, general going out, inc. to films, plays, restaurants, solo holidaying, chatting to people on the bus (occasionally - I'm not the bus nutter), even some talking therapy and STILL I'M SINGLE after well over a decade.

What else can I possibly do? I don't want to be single, I don't want to be celibate, I don't want to be lonely, I don't want to be on my own all the fucking time.

I'm not hideous, I don't smell, not overweight (not that being overweight means you can't be in a relationship), I'm introvert but not paralyzingly awkward in company, I work, have my own flat, lots of interests, and only one cat. I have a very straightforward life with no children or ex-husbands to complicate things. Why is it so difficult to meet someone?

Obviously, whatever OP did during her dating, it didn't work the way she wanted. Something should be changed before trying again.

This may not be true though. It could be but it may be wrong.

It's like fishing isn't it?

If you want to catch a swordfish, and you spend hours and hours fishing in the UK in fresh water lakes with the best equipment and the best training, you will never catch a swordfish. In that sense, you need to change something before trying again - namely fish in a different place.

You could go fishing in Florida (best place to catch a sword fish) with the best equipment, best training and best guides and still be unlucky and not catch a swordfish. There isn't really anything to change here. You've just been unlucky. If you are set on the sword fish, you'll just need to keep on keeping on.

You could abandon plans to catch a swordfish and decide you'll make do with a goldfish you can buy at the pet shop. This is a fundamental change but gets you a fish. Just not the swordfish you wanted.

My post about places to fish has reminded me of an actual tip I'd forgotten about.

I remember years ago reading a very old fashioned book about dating. It wasn't quite dance cards at dawn and smelling salts but it was on those lines.

One of the tips it gave was that you are most likely to meet someone who suits you if you go to places you would never normally go and our out of your comfort zone. I can't remember why this was but there was a rational reason. It maybe to do with opposites attracting or you are more likely to have people speak to you or you have already met everyone in your comfort zone. I can't remember.

The theory was that if you like extreme sports you should go to a whist drive , if you hate horses you should go for horse riding lessons, if you are more comfortable in a noisey bar then go to a tea room . . .

I have no tips other than the ones already given in the thread above. I second taking up a new hobby, or restart an old hobby you've discovered again. I used to juggle 20 years ago. It was a great dating-fest then, with a nice 50:50 female:male ratio. When I became single a few years ago I thought to check out my local juggling club just to play with some balls again (sorry). In the last 20 years all female jugglers had found other hobbies than juggling, and only some the (now middle-aged) men remained. Long story short: I found some balls to play with that are still hanging around a year later . So not really any tips, just a random story with unnecessary innuendo. Hope you're lucky soon!

Erm, I relocated from London to a small northern village a few months ago for work. Single forever, perfectly happy with that and 41. Have literally just met someone quite special... last thing I expected or was looking for. I do wonder if it was partly because I was very caught up in the big adventure of moving North, new job, getting to know a new area, and generally very happy and content.

Not sure if this advice has been given but the only thing I could see in your op that hadn't been mentioned is a good old fashioned dating agency where they set you up with people. Apparently these exist still so maybe google these and see if one is in your area or any nearby areas. Sorry if it sounds a shit idea but I hate the idea of online dating and if I was single then I would definitely do this because I like the idea of meeting up with real people.

Long story short: I found some balls to play with that are still hanging around a year later. So not really any tips, just a random story with unnecessary innuendo.

Round of applause for the innuendo @Venusflytart

I’m not sure the “stop looking” advice is complete nonsense.

Not least because I think it’s way less stressful for the person who wants to meet someone. I’ve got a friend who drives herself utterly bonkers by the importance she attaches to each date in case he’s “the one”.

Why not go on the show married at first sight

The OU summer schools are a total shag fest apparently so that could be worth a try. (Joking)
My only other suggestion is to reconcile yourself to single life and make the most of what you do have. Annoying I know but if you've tried everything what else can you do? Sadly I know several single 40something ladies who have never met the right man and many more who had a nightmare extricating themselves from a relationship with the wrong man.

I know of people who met their OHs on OLD, but the organisations were more niche-y than the general ones. They were based on particular topics, such as a style of music, or theatre-going, or a certain religion or philosophy.

As you are a) in London b) seeking a specific match, and c) cba to trawl through the dross of PoF, then I'd suggest sign up for a fee paying agency such as drawingdownthemoon.co.uk/

I'm rolling about laughing with the juggling story. That's hilarious.

I live in London and I’d date you OP. (Married and straight but you’re not offering anyway).

I would hold your nose and and go older and younger.

Even some 60 year old men are completely fine - as in not white haired and decrepit. I’m 49 and a friend of mine’s DH is 60 and he really doesn’t look it. Bear in mind George Clooney is 58 and Daniel Day Lewis is 62.

Equally a surprising number of younger men are into older women.

There just aren’t that number of men your age who aren’t married and the ones that aren’t are looking for younger women as pps have said.

@Ilovethekitties has pretty much solved this thread

It’s not dumb luck. I think some people just aren’t suited for a LTR; for whatever the reason. Doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with them.

OLD is brutal OP. I was trying for 4 years, had so many false starts and dating disasters, in fact is basically given up and written it off when I 'matched' with my boyfriend (Tinder surprisingly).

I don't have the answers I'm afraid, it's quite soul destroying at times. I was a single mum with small children so new hobbies really weren't an option for me. Also tried speed dating...what a disaster that was, but it's an interesting experience!

Unfortunately there are arseholes and players everywhere. I think finding a partner is way more down to luck than any particular strategy. Good luck & keep us posted!

Don't turn your nose up at men who write short first messages like "Hi babe."

99.99% of men's first messages are being sent out like a sonar to see if you're a real person and will write back to them.

Most men send messages to the top 2% of women on an app (aged 20-24, BMI of 18, long hair; this is depressing but it's true) and never get replies. They eventually throw the bet wider to women who look like real people. By that point, however, they're exhausted and fed up of not getting replies, so they cut and paste message or write 2 words.

Send a smiley face back and see if they do better in their second message. If they don't, feel free to dump them.

I learned to attract the ideal man its through your tummy so you need to dress up like a sausage go to a busy place perhaps your local sainsburys or maybe lidl if you're not too desperate and shout DOES ANYONE WANNA EAT ME you will soon have a flock of suitors and perhaps some ttrr groceries 2 you are welcome u cheeky minx

God I never meet men I fancy, I’d it wasn’t for dh I would be single with a lot of animals.

It’s depressing I really feel for you, good men are thin on the ground and far between

This article stood out to me and made me think of you. It theorises that our attachment “type” - anxious, avoidant or secure determines a lot of our romantic life.

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/nov/05/the-attachment-secret-are-you-a-secure-avoidant-or-anxious-partner?CMP=Share_iOSApp_Other

In particular:
The challenge for those looking for love is that, even though secures make up 55% the population, relatively few are single – they are just too good at being in a relationship.

And
Levine’s dating advice is to be upfront about your needs as predetermined by your type, and to try to identify your potential partner’s type. For example, if you recognise that your anxious attachment style means it is important to you that your partner texts back quickly, make it clear early on. How they respond to a relatively low-stakes request will give you a clue to their own triggers.

Have a read, maybe it triggers something with you, maybe not.

OP thank you for starting this thread.
I'm of the opinion that with OLD there's just too much 'choice'.
I signed up for Tinder, got over 100 swipe rights which has whittled down to precisely nothing.
One guy, two dates then radio silence. I did drink too much so that probably explains it.

I'm very very average looking, over 40 and overweight (by a good few stones)

The harsh reality for me is that no matter how fabulous I am, I don't have the currency value needed to succeed. There are too many other women in better shape, more attractive etc and I simply can't compete.

I'm working on changing this. I'm losing weight, slowly, and improving my fitness. I hope it makes a difference for when I pluck.up the courage to try again.

I keep being told I'm going to meet someone when I least expect it. I suppose they could be right. I do have to go out, socialise, mix with others though, which generally fills me with dread

I hope you find your happiness, whether single or not.

From seeing friends, the ones that met partners quickly, were the ones that went out loads. They never turned down an opportunity to go out for drinks, party etc. Exhausting! But they met partners fast. I never had many bfs, and never liked going out much. I did meet my dh when
I went to a party though :)

Sorry if this has been said before in the thread, but do you have any male friends who you can trust to give you some honest pointers in the relationship potential department? If there's anything that comes up a few times, maybe look at that? I bet there's plenty of single guys you know have asked their female friends for tips on minimising off-putting traits, it's not as if asking for advice would be that out of the ordinary.

@Lumene and @Dilkhush I totally agree I really think they've nailed it. In the nicest possible way OP you are coming across as aggressive, hard work and snippy. I think this may be where your problem lies.

Yeah, you need to do a rain dance, naked under the full moon in order to end the man drought ...That or just say yes to the next &*%% who asks. Some people on MN seem to have luck/cause chaos hunting down old high school flings on FB. Good luck.