What the fuck else can I do to find a partner?

[UnaCorda]

I have tried: OLD (Guardian Soulmates, Love and Friends, Plenty of Fish, Ivory Towers, eHarmony, OkCupid, Match...) various apps (Tinder, Bumble, Hinge...), speed dating, singles' events, evening classes, post-graduate degrees, friends of friends, general networking, walking groups, residential courses, singles' holidays, general going out, inc. to films, plays, restaurants, solo holidaying, chatting to people on the bus (occasionally - I'm not the bus nutter), even some talking therapy and STILL I'M SINGLE after well over a decade.

What else can I possibly do? I don't want to be single, I don't want to be celibate, I don't want to be lonely, I don't want to be on my own all the fucking time.

I'm not hideous, I don't smell, not overweight (not that being overweight means you can't be in a relationship), I'm introvert but not paralyzingly awkward in company, I work, have my own flat, lots of interests, and only one cat. I have a very straightforward life with no children or ex-husbands to complicate things. Why is it so difficult to meet someone?

Stop looking. Maybe look into why you are so desperate for a relationship. Learn to love yourself, then you'll be ready for someone in your life

I’d ditch the OLD for a start. I know one couple who got together through OLD. One. I know plenty of people who have tried it but so many said the men were either looking for easy hook ups or they were unwilling to commit just in case the next person was better.

In my social circle a fair few have met at work or through hobbies (5 through choirs and amateur dramatics type groups). Most of us (me included) met their partners through friends or family. I’d recommend starting there, or trying that line again. The chances of you getting on with a friend of a friend are so much higher than some random OLD. If you have nice friends that is!

Obviously, whatever OP did during her dating, it didn't work the way she wanted. Something should be changed before trying again.

RTFT now and am none the wiser.
I have tried running clubs and other activities, includig HHH.
I've tried OLD, and found it overwhelming, inundated with " Hi Babes" type messages, so presumably I look like an easy shag, or by the Divorced Dad - obvious they are divorced, or by the 50+ who have let themselves go, or by those who get in a strop if I don't reply within minutes.

In the past, friends have accused me of being too fussy, but I'm not, I just need to like them and fancy them.

The last few relationships have been through chance encounters. They didn't workout.

I'm sure that a lot of it is me. I have a book called " If i am wonderful, why am i still single " somewhere. I nearly threw it out when I thought I was never going to need it again. I might have a read.

I think for me, it is to live for me and to do things anyway.

"Gosh, that's hard to pin down. No spark, been boring, been a bit creepy/weird... Difficult to say!"

You are wayyyy too picky! Learn to give people a chance, don't dismiss them straight away.

Think from their perspective as well, living in London, the mentality is there is always other fish (and younger fish) in the sea, so people end up being a lot more flaky.

Which brings me to ... at your age... i am sorry to say this, but lower your expectations a bit and see where it gets you. If you really want a partner that is. Otherwise, learn how to be happy being single

I find the OPs snarkiness quite attractive actually.

It is ultimately down to luck and it does sound like you are doing everything you can. The only thing I recommend that you are not already doing is walking a dog. Sounds nuts but I have never struck up so many conversations with random (sometimes very good looking) strangers as I have since I started walking a dog for a friend.

They are a great ice-breaker. I am happily married but I have said if I was single getting a dog would be my best bet of meeting someone!

Walk a dog, stop off in the local pub of cafe. Seriously loads of people will strike up conversation with you, initially about the dog. You don't have to actually get your own, walk a friends or go on the website for borrowing dogs. Appreciate this is quite random but you are already doing everything else!

London is difficult. I used online dating to keep myself occupied and on that dating track but it's very tough at points.

I also took up studying, did some things just for me - arty stuff, walking and hiking, oh and had a load of counselling too. Then I concentrated on things to do in my local area, made friends and invested time in those.

I am now together with someone who would not be on my radar at all, but I realised that I loved him and wanted to be with him after 3 years as friends- but it was a leap of faith but one that is going well.

Reading along in case someone comes up with a new tip. I've been single for the last decade and mostly haven't bothered looking, so ime, stopping looking is NOT the thing that makes Mr Right suddenly appear.

I really don't know, OP. I don't know how anybody does it. It feels like a knack I never developed.

Not read the entire thread, but completely agree with Shatners that it's complete luck. I did OLD on and off for 3 years - am in my 50s (and female). Had one relationship of over a year and in March I met an amazing man whilst looking for a FWB - we've been together exclusively since then and frequently say we can't believe how lucky we were to meet each other. It's no bloody help to you, I know, OP. All I can say is that I only did OLD - no time for evening classes, gym etc - I did have a FWB type arrangement, which helped. But I did have breaks to re-group before getting back into the OLD fray.

OP, if you don't want to be celibate, get thee on Tinder and set your age parameters to late twenties (or even lower if that floats your boat). I promise you, you'll be absolutely inundated with offers. Don't ask me how I know

Can't help with the relationship thingy though, sorry.

I think that you sound a trite complicated, a little too snappy,and overly forthright, a lot of men might be scared off by this. I feel sorry that this is your plight though,and really can't understand why it should be like this.

I am sure that lots of women meet a man,when not expecting to,and haven't even been looking for one.

I'm 43, married and I honestly think if we split up I would remain single for the rest of my life. I was very happily single when I met my OH.

The stories my single friends tell me are so depressing, OP you are not alone.

Most men seem to be constantly on the look out for their next option on OLD...and if you are in your forties they are just not interested. I would totally lower your age..

I'm in my 50s. I think there are two problems once you get past a certain age. Firstly, as a pp said, there are just less available men and secondly, those who are available are generally looking for someone quite a bit younger than themselves.

Put a pile of bras in a corner of a shop or something and when a nice looking man goes in to honk one, throw a net over him and drag him home

Put a pile of bras in a corner of a shop or something and when a nice looking man goes in to honk one, throw a net over him and drag him home

Finally, someone's coming up with some constructive advice!

@ilovekittties I think yours is the best suggestion yet.

First of all stop looking so hard!
Join various clubs, find some hobbies, go out and socialise face to face. Love will come when you aren't looking ( it has a habit of turning up unexpectedly in the most unexpected places). Don't despair! Your soulmate is out there waiting for you. X

How about taking a years sabbatical from teaching, throwingbsome clothes in a backpack and heading off into the unknown.
Maybe yoir soul mate isn't in this country.
You will need plenty of people, have different situations present themselves and you could even incorporate some teaching into your travelling.

If not borrow a dog at the weekends, you will get talking to plenty of people! Especially if it's a cute dog.

I think old is pretty awful even the paying sites. I wonder if I'll always be single as I struggle to find anyone who's genuinely decent not just wanting a hook up. They all just want to sext and I don't want to do that. Some fella messaged me wanting me to go to his house - as if. I actually think men old are only looking for hook ups not serious relationships. Dating has changed so much in the last 20 years, I used to go on real blind dates now it's all about hook ups and sexting and how you look. It's so depressing.

You will meet plenty of people* - Sorry it's the fat , sausage fingers trying to type!

Whenever I've seen women act disgracefully desperate, to the point where I've blushed for them, they've always found partners within a few weeks. Even when middle aged.

You don't seem at all desperate to me, OP. But it's just not true that desperate turns men off.

Also, about snarky. My brother married the most plain spoken, aggressive and rude woman in London. Apparently, it's a relief to be around someone who is "straightforward" and "you know where you stand". Also, all the bossiest women I know have partners. It's the opposite actually, I think - being firm with men is good.

Also, for what it's worth, you seem quite nice and not snarky, OP.

In my previous post, I missed out the word why.
From single male friends I get the impression that they are looking for someone to give them children.
From my own experience of dating, the Divorced Dad doesn't want any more children, often wants company and the physical side of things, but hasn't much to offer. I might have just been unlucky.
The older man might be looking for a potential nursemaid.

It works the other way round too, and of course I am generalising.

God, some of these comments! Must act like a nice, non-sweary, flirty little lady in order not to 'scare' the men! I'd love to know what advice men give to their single male friends...

This. How depressing that a woman who knows what she wants, has standards and boundaries she won’t compromise, and speaks her mind, is seen as too much hard work for the poor little menz. I’d rather be single forever than date any of these pathetic men who apparently can’t bear anything except a simpering housewife

I think mid forties is a tricky age TBH. Many men are married, and often if they are divorced appear to think they are "entitled " to a lithe 25 year old for some reason! I am sure you are an attractive lady .Have you thought of volunteering or something similar? The problem is not you but the fact that so many people seem to have a "list " they read from and dont give anyone else a chance ! What about singles holidays .Any friends that could match you up?