Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What would you do? Head is reeling.

170 replies

SirChing · 10/11/2019 16:02

I have been seeing a guy for just over a month. We have talked about allsorts and have got very close. We have spent several whole weekends together, had a lovely time.

We have laughed a lot, the sex is amazing, there has been no game playing, it hasn't been hard work. It has been fabulous. We have so much in common and have grown very close very quickly.

He has told me all about his exes. He hasn't said a bad word about any of them, but in my opinion, he has been treated pretty appallingly: been cheated on and all sorts.

Last night, he decided to tell me something that had happened to him years ago. He split up with his girlfriend. After a few months, she contacted him and asked him if they could try again. He said no. She then told him that she had become pregnant and had aborted his baby.

This resulted in him feeling so guilty at not being there for her, he feels he let her down and let down the baby too as he would have wanted the child.

I explained to him that he hadn't let anyone down. He didn't know she was pregnant, she made the choice herself and he is in no way responsible for something he didn't know about.

He was sobbing his heart out in my arms. He has never told anyone about this. It has made him wary in relationships as he is scared of something bad happening. This means he keeps his guard up for a long time, which makes sense to me.

Today, he doesn't know if he wants us to be together any more. He says that because I know what happened, me knowing makes it more "real" and he doesn't know if he can handle that, when he had put what happened in a box and locked it away in his memory.

He is also scared that he is developing feelings for me, and he wants the happy ever after, but is scared of both being hurt again, and also hurting me. He hates that his barriers mean that it takes him a long time to fall for someone, due to his fear of getting hurt, and he doesnt want to hurt me by me falling for him and him not being able to reciprocate as quickly, due to how he is.

I understand his point of view completely, and I don't mind if we feel things at different speeds. I think he is throwing the baby out with the bathwater to give up what he freely admits is an amazing relationship.

He has gone home to have a think about what he wants to do, and to get his head straight. He has never properly grieved for the baby and all his feelings about it have come bursting out.

I am not sure what I am asking, except what would be your response to all this? If you have read this far, you are a Saint and thank you!

OP posts:
12345kbm · 10/11/2019 16:08

I would cut my losses and move on. If he has to decide whether or not he wants to be with you, then he doesn't. He obviously has a lot of stuff he needs to work out, so, let him go off and navel gaze on his own time. I think he's setting you up to mess you around.

hopeishere · 10/11/2019 16:12

It's been a month. It's too soon for this stuff. Dump and run.

PrettyPlainJayne · 10/11/2019 16:13

I would get in first and just let him know youre ok to cool the relationship off and give him some space.

Back off, let him go.

As pp says, it sounds like he is preparing to give you the run around.

rvby · 10/11/2019 16:14

This is nonsense. He's priming you to accept less than what you want from a relationship with him.

I say this as someone who DID have to take a relationship really really slow. I didn't do it like this. What he's doing here is something very different to what you imagine.

Run.

FelixFelicis6 · 10/11/2019 16:16

It’s been one month. Is way too soon for all this drama and crying and emotion. The only relationships I’ve had that were this full on early on, ended badly. Do you have a tendency to go for guys who are emotionally damaged and need looking after?

Timetobegood · 10/11/2019 16:17

I don’t think it’s fair of him to burden you like that after only 4 weeks. He needs to sort himself out and probably needs to be single while he does it.

waterSpider · 10/11/2019 16:19

Back off a bit. Let him go back to his 'cave'. You could point out that (a) he wants a long term relationship at some point, and (b) that must involve telling such info. So, even if it is not YOU, it will be SOMEONE, where he has to deal with such feelings. That you are flattered he felt able to talk to you, maybe?

But by and large let him take some time … but get him to indicate that you'd like to be back in touch in (say) a week ???

Singletomingle · 10/11/2019 16:20

I've been through exactly the same thing and I've only told 2 people. Its not something that I think I'll ever truly come to terms with. It's a huge thing to tell someone and with all the other stuff its understandable his head might be all over the place, he has probably scared himself that he's put himself in such a vulnerable position. Give him chance to come to terms with it, if your head is reeling imagine what his is doing.

TinDogTavern · 10/11/2019 16:20

Run.

Aside from the way too much, too soon, he may not be criticising his exes directly, but his whole narrative is that he's this great guy who's been treated really badly by women.

Where do you think you'll ultimately fit into that narrative?

DowntonCrabby · 10/11/2019 16:20

He’s not emotionally ready or mature enough for a serious relationship.

Move on now.

BeThere · 10/11/2019 16:21

It sounds like he's not ready for a relationship yet, he'll need to deal with all this himself first

Original poster
SirChing · 10/11/2019 16:21

Thanks everyone. I have told him that it is fine to take some time to get his head together. I am not sure what PP think he is "priming" me for?

OP posts:
Candle1000 · 10/11/2019 16:24

You either want to be with someone or you don’t. All this soul searching and umming and arrrhing is exhausting. He has been happy up to now and I think this baby thing is a red herring.

Don’t feed into the drama, walk away .

Seasword · 10/11/2019 16:27

After only a month, you should be seeing your relationship developing into something potentially amazing or perhaps seeing a few cracks appear as the lust haze starts to clear.
I think he is in the latter group.
In your position, I would wish him well and move on.

Candle1000 · 10/11/2019 16:28

Also , if this happened years ago and he is still in a state about it ( he may never be fully over it but should find a way to come to terms with it) then he should seek help- he hasn’t though , because ime this is not the issue.

Bluetrews25 · 10/11/2019 16:28

The whole I was pregnant but had an abortion thing sounds fake to me.

PPs are warning you that often emotionally abusive relationships are very intense at the start, he is priming you to give him lots of slack - oh he was HURT, he doesn't know what he wants...sorta shit.

Original poster
SirChing · 10/11/2019 16:29

Back off a bit. Let him go back to his 'cave'. You could point out that (a) he wants a long term relationship at some point, and (b) that must involve telling such info. So, even if it is not YOU, it will be SOMEONE, where he has to deal with such feelings. That you are flattered he felt able to talk to you, maybe?

This is exactly what I have said to him. He has had LTRs since it happened and hasn't told those women. He chose to tell me because he says he finds it easy to open up to me. And that is a compliment.

I did say, though, that if he only seeks out relationships where he can keep it hidden and not feel the need to tell them, then by default he is settling for a substandard relationship - because it will never be truly open between the two of them.

I feel so bad for him. I was starting to fall for him, and am gutted that it might be over because of him simply trusting me enough to tell me. I haven't done anything wrong. So it's hurtful and confusing.

OP posts:
Candle1000 · 10/11/2019 16:30

This is exactly what I have said to him. He has had LTRs since it happened and hasn't told those women. He chose to tell me because he says he finds it easy to open up to me. And that is a compliment

I call bollocks .

Theendofmyrope · 10/11/2019 16:31

I am not sure what PP think he is "priming" me for?

To end the r'ship? It all sounds a but much really. You dont really know this man and it all sounds very intense and full on. Did you meet online? If he is so scared about getting hurt then he needs to steer clear of dating. That's the chance everyone takes when dating. Has he had counselling? Maybe suggest that.. it shouldn't be hard after a month. This may well be his game playing.

Original poster
SirChing · 10/11/2019 16:33

The whole I was pregnant but had an abortion thing sounds fake to me

I wondered that myself, to be honest. She will have known that it was an extremely effective way to hurt him. I know that and have only been with him a short time.

I also know that if he and I split up, and I found out I was pregnant, I know he would support my choices and help me through it, even if we weren't together. If I know that after a short time, there is no way she didn't know that after two years.

OP posts:
ProseccoIsTheAnswerHere · 10/11/2019 16:34

I’m in the bollocks camp too. Sounds like a lot of drama and poor me act. Suddenly his ex’s are all bad people? They’ve all cheated etc. And he’s been innocent?

I mean, it’s possible. But 4 weeks in and he’s painting you this picture? Nah

nomoreclue · 10/11/2019 16:34

Blimey. All this after 4 weeks! Too much, too soon. It’s supposed to be fun!! Back off and try not to do this the next time you start seeing someone. It’s way too much drama. I’ve got cheese in my fridge that’s been there longer than you’ve been together!

Lovemenorca · 10/11/2019 16:35

Wow - what a convoluted and drawn out way of dumping you.

Sorry OP. I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s all made up. He’s dumping you.

Dodged a bullet.

Theendofmyrope · 10/11/2019 16:35

then by default he is settling for a substandard relationship - because it will never be truly open between the two of them

I disagree with this. IMO you cant call a r'ship substandard because two people haven't divulged every aspect of their past to each other. There are things my ex doesn't know about my past but it didn't mean our marriage was substandard because of it. I just didnt want to tell him or feel the need to tell him. It wasnt relevant to our life

BrassTactical · 10/11/2019 16:36

He sounds like a Mr Unavailable, I’ve had a couple of those, all hot and heavy and future love, then some dark trauma and ill treatment by women that they are damaged by and either boom gone or hanging around in the will he won’t he commit game.

I’d cut and run.