What would you do? Head is reeling.

[SirChing]

I have been seeing a guy for just over a month. We have talked about allsorts and have got very close. We have spent several whole weekends together, had a lovely time.

We have laughed a lot, the sex is amazing, there has been no game playing, it hasn't been hard work. It has been fabulous. We have so much in common and have grown very close very quickly.

He has told me all about his exes. He hasn't said a bad word about any of them, but in my opinion, he has been treated pretty appallingly: been cheated on and all sorts.

Last night, he decided to tell me something that had happened to him years ago. He split up with his girlfriend. After a few months, she contacted him and asked him if they could try again. He said no. She then told him that she had become pregnant and had aborted his baby.

This resulted in him feeling so guilty at not being there for her, he feels he let her down and let down the baby too as he would have wanted the child.

I explained to him that he hadn't let anyone down. He didn't know she was pregnant, she made the choice herself and he is in no way responsible for something he didn't know about.

He was sobbing his heart out in my arms. He has never told anyone about this. It has made him wary in relationships as he is scared of something bad happening. This means he keeps his guard up for a long time, which makes sense to me.

Today, he doesn't know if he wants us to be together any more. He says that because I know what happened, me knowing makes it more "real" and he doesn't know if he can handle that, when he had put what happened in a box and locked it away in his memory.

He is also scared that he is developing feelings for me, and he wants the happy ever after, but is scared of both being hurt again, and also hurting me. He hates that his barriers mean that it takes him a long time to fall for someone, due to his fear of getting hurt, and he doesnt want to hurt me by me falling for him and him not being able to reciprocate as quickly, due to how he is.

I understand his point of view completely, and I don't mind if we feel things at different speeds. I think he is throwing the baby out with the bathwater to give up what he freely admits is an amazing relationship.

He has gone home to have a think about what he wants to do, and to get his head straight. He has never properly grieved for the baby and all his feelings about it have come bursting out.

I am not sure what I am asking, except what would be your response to all this? If you have read this far, you are a Saint and thank you!

He has told me all about his exes. He hasn't said a bad word about any of them he clearly has, ad infinitum by the sounds of it.

So the ex girlfriend who had the 'pretend abortion' was in fact a married woman.

He's either stupid, or he thinks you are OP.

"He hasn't said a bad word about any of them"

You mean apart from:

• one shagging another man in full view of a window that he just happened to be looking through

• one being an alcoholic that he found in a pool of her own urine

• one who was married and cheating on her husband, attempted to cheat on the husband again and then told him about her abortion?

Nope. Not a bad word there...

If she only told him about the baby after he'd refused to get back together with her I'd be highly suspicious of it being the truth anyway. More likely it's been said to hurt him or why wouldn't she say at the time of contact. Does he have any real proof there was a baby. He could be stressing over nothing but I'd back off - if he's doing this after a month it's likely to be ongoing

He may not have explicitly said his exes were bad but he certainly implied it in how he positioned them (as the author of the downfall of the relationship) in the narratives he told and also how he positioned himself (as the passive victim who had all these bad things happen to him at the hand of someone else).

As often in life the truthusually lies somewhere in a grey area between these two rather polarised positions with good and bad on both sides.

I think bollocks.

I had an ex who did almost identical sobbing for his 'poor little baby that never had a name', only it was a miscarriage following a car accident.

If it were true, I'm a little surprised that he was telling me in complete seriousness, just a few years later that he'd changed his mind about having the 2nd baby he had wanted so much and if I didn't terminate, he'd take our 2 year old daughter and drive into a motorway bridge.

I hope he leaves you alone. You may have tipped him off that he needs to diall back a bit on the historic angst as it triggers your red-flag awareness, but even if he suddenly gets over all of 25 year old angst, he is still the type to use distancing teqniques.

I predict he will suddenly feel a bit stronger and he will stop mentioning old girlfriends. He will make you feel relieved that you didnt lose him! And then, he will find some other way of distancing / relegating you.

My God. I asked for advice. I listened, took it on board and I am STILL being slated. Does it make people feel empowered and like good people to do that?

I tend to go into automatic work mode when someone exhibits mental distress. It is what I am trained to do. Whichever PP said that is absolutely correct.

A large part of CBT is linking together behaviour, thoughts and beliefs. So I am used to discussing through those things with patients, and I made the mistake of going into that same mode with him.

To be quite honest, I advised him to get counselling, because even as I was talking it through with him and trying to help him clarify his thoughts (which we do in counselling), I was also thinking, "Jesus wept, I am not even making £50 an hour for listening to all this".

So I object to being told I was feeding his drama. I switched into professional mode without even thinking about it much.

However, I am very aware that when it is someone personal to us who we are talking things through with, then it is difficult to maintain clarity and perspective needed, as by definition, the professional distance is not there. Hence I asked for perspectives on here.

I have been called dramatic, childish etc. I wasn't aware that I had done anything wrong. If he is showing red flags for abuse, how does it help to try to ridicule the recipient of that abuse?

I have supported enough women through this type of thing myself, to know that it is extremely hard to see it from the inside. Which is how abusers get away with it. So those ridiculing it and mocking my behaviour - it could so easily happen to you too. The only difference, is that you wouldn't go into automatic "rationalise with the patient" mode, unless you work in that area. Which is exactly what I am trained to do.

Having slept on it all, I am unable to say whether he is lying, as I cannot see inside his brain and I have no evidence. But that is irrelevant to me. Whatever the facts are, I am not tolerating such dramatic behaviour in such a short time frame. And nor will I even begin to engage in a warped "pick me" thing. Because a) I have self esteem and b) I don't want him to choose to be with me. I want him to stay away.

Thank you for the helpful advice and perspective from the vast majority of posters. It has been really helpful. Sometimes, the best thing to do is to know that a situation cannot be seen clearly from within. So thanks to those that clarified the situation.

OP are you a former mental health nurse or a trained counsellor/former counsellor? Just curious!

OP, ignore the not so helpful ones! I think you come across as very balanced, mature and savvy. No drama at all?!

For what it's worth, I think you've might the right decision. His story doesnt add up and it sounds like too much drama (from his side!) to be dealing with so early on.

@priceofprogress

An ex mental health nurse who cross trained as a counsellor. Why?

@simplekindoflife

Thank you. I really appreciate that

Anyway did you ever hear back from him?

@MyOtherProfile

I did. A whatsapp message about how he misses me and is sad without me, blah blah blah. I just said "hope you are feeling better now. Take care"

I have no interest in him at all now. I won't be picked up and put down again. It's a totally self absorbed way to behave.

I have a new date arranged for Saturday, so this ship has definitely sailed!!!

Yes! Hope Saturday is great!

Thanks......its with a very tall, dark and handsome fella with a gorgeous Irish accent. So I am really looking forward to it

Well done on not putting up with being messed around.
Have a great date!!

I think you've done the right thing, OP, and handled it well. Women are socially conditioned to throw themselves into shoring up fragile men. Good for you for deciding you weren't prepared to sacrifice yourself to that.

It is a red flag that he has you feeling sorry for him. He is a messer.

With kindness OP, how on earth can you be going on a date already?

You said you had deep feelings for this person only 3 days ago.

Are you sure another date so soon is a good idea?

@pelirocco123

If you think I am a troll, feel free to report. I am not but, whatever.

@Reallynowdear

I was starting to develop feelings for him, yes. Now I can see the situation clearly, they have shriveled up and died.

I was unsure about the date but the fella seems lots of fun and a good laugh, so I shall just enjoy the evening for what it is. I am not running headlong into something again. Barriers are now up.

@pelirocco123

Me. I have a feeling the OP has bigger issues than an unpleasant boyfriend

I wouldn’t want to see him again after him creating that amount of drama after such a short space of time!!