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Original poster

What would you do? Head is reeling.

170 replies

SirChing · 10/11/2019 16:02

I have been seeing a guy for just over a month. We have talked about allsorts and have got very close. We have spent several whole weekends together, had a lovely time.

We have laughed a lot, the sex is amazing, there has been no game playing, it hasn't been hard work. It has been fabulous. We have so much in common and have grown very close very quickly.

He has told me all about his exes. He hasn't said a bad word about any of them, but in my opinion, he has been treated pretty appallingly: been cheated on and all sorts.

Last night, he decided to tell me something that had happened to him years ago. He split up with his girlfriend. After a few months, she contacted him and asked him if they could try again. He said no. She then told him that she had become pregnant and had aborted his baby.

This resulted in him feeling so guilty at not being there for her, he feels he let her down and let down the baby too as he would have wanted the child.

I explained to him that he hadn't let anyone down. He didn't know she was pregnant, she made the choice herself and he is in no way responsible for something he didn't know about.

He was sobbing his heart out in my arms. He has never told anyone about this. It has made him wary in relationships as he is scared of something bad happening. This means he keeps his guard up for a long time, which makes sense to me.

Today, he doesn't know if he wants us to be together any more. He says that because I know what happened, me knowing makes it more "real" and he doesn't know if he can handle that, when he had put what happened in a box and locked it away in his memory.

He is also scared that he is developing feelings for me, and he wants the happy ever after, but is scared of both being hurt again, and also hurting me. He hates that his barriers mean that it takes him a long time to fall for someone, due to his fear of getting hurt, and he doesnt want to hurt me by me falling for him and him not being able to reciprocate as quickly, due to how he is.

I understand his point of view completely, and I don't mind if we feel things at different speeds. I think he is throwing the baby out with the bathwater to give up what he freely admits is an amazing relationship.

He has gone home to have a think about what he wants to do, and to get his head straight. He has never properly grieved for the baby and all his feelings about it have come bursting out.

I am not sure what I am asking, except what would be your response to all this? If you have read this far, you are a Saint and thank you!

OP posts:
Gemma1971 · 10/11/2019 17:12

Sounds SO strange, sorry, but I smell a rat here. I don't see how, after telling you this, he is no longer sure what he wants? He trusted you to tell you, so why does he need to back off.

I think he is either lying to get away from you and he is a clever manipulator who didn't have the balls to be straight with you and say he is no longer interested in you. Or still in love with his ex. Or really mentally screwed up.

Whichever one he is, I would not be giving him any more of my precious time. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I think you're being played.

Bluetrews25 · 10/11/2019 17:17

I've seen it so many times on here - people querying their relationships, to be told by the vipers that this is a typical example of abusive behaviour. This is met by doubt and crushing denial from others. Later on the OP returns to say we were right after all. And often they are in a terrible mess by then.
Seriously, we are trying to save you pain. Same narratives over and over. It's all horribly predicable.

NotStayingIn · 10/11/2019 17:18

I’m finding this whole crying all night over the fact an ex had an abortion several years ago really bizarre.

It all together just comes across as so so manipulative.

You are meant to think what a lovely emotional guy he is. How he would have loved to have supported his girlfriend and is still torn up by the guilt. How he will be such a great dad as he clearly wants kids above anything. And now he is too upset about what he has revealed he will sacrifice his relationship with you. You, the one he has had a stronger connection with then anyone else. Bla bla bla

I find it very manipulative! You are really being tested and he is trying to work out how much he can play you.

WendyMoiraAngelaDarling · 10/11/2019 17:20

Drama Llama.

Get rid.

Timetobegood · 10/11/2019 17:28

We’ve all got a baggage to varying degrees, some much more than him, but I don’t think it’s on to sob about it all night with someone you have known four weeks then dump them the next day. If the story is true he is not in a healthy place for a relationship.

Original poster
SirChing · 10/11/2019 17:38

I have ended things with him. I have told him that whether it is because he doesn't want to be with me but is too scared to tell me, or whether it is because he has to deal with his past, the outcome is that he is unsure about me.

I have told him that I don't want to be ending it, but I like even less the idea of being with someone who doesn't appreciate me, and doesn't recognise something easy, fun, open, honest and lovely when they see it.

I told him I am sad that he has chosen to let a past which can't be changed, impact his life now. But that my sadness is for him, not me. He was the one who saw what we had as amazing, mind blowing chemistry etc. And that I hope that the next time it is under his nose, that he isn't so scared of it that he runs away.

I have wished him the best, and told him he could still have a certain thing I want rid of that I said he could have. That I am not the type to be horrible after something ends. And that I hope he finds what he is looking for.

Sound fair?

OP posts:
Bluetrews25 · 10/11/2019 17:41

Well done, that can't have been easy.
Brew Cake Chocolate Flowers

MarianaMoatedGrange · 10/11/2019 17:45

You've shown him you won't tolerate being pissed about while he navel gazes. Well done. Hard to do I know.

Interesting to see how he reacts now.

Original poster
SirChing · 10/11/2019 17:46

No.....it hurts like hell.

The last time that I felt so in tune with someone, it led to a 15 year marrisge, the first 10 years.of which were amazing.

Recent bloke felt that we were that in tune too, and I felt the same. My gut says that he wasnt manipulating me. That he was just fucked up by telling me what had happened, and he was so scared of being hurt.

But, whatever the reason, I refuse to be with someone who doesn't know if they want to be with me. I am worth more than that.

OP posts:
Candle1000 · 10/11/2019 17:54

Well done Op , I wonder if he will suddenly come back and tell you he has sorted his head out and he does now want to be with you?

I’m very cynical!

Timetobegood · 10/11/2019 17:56

Have you actually spoken to him or sent him a message? I wonder if he will seriously backtrack.

FizzyGreenWater · 10/11/2019 17:57

Well done OP.

You could look at it this way. If this is true, and I very much doubt it is:

He has had LTRs since it happened and hasn't told those women. He chose to tell me because he says he finds it easy to open up to me.

  • then he really is extremely immature, isn't he? And quite the drama queen. People who have had traumatic events happen to them don't act like this - they don't use their trauma as a sort of hyper-important piece of supergossip about themselves - you're so special because only you know, I could never tell anyone else! - and they certainly, CERTAINLY don't do that with someone they've known a month. In a nutshell, if someone who's known you a month is telling you their deepest secret traumas, then you can bet they're not that deep and traumatic. Drama llama. And quite probably a liar.

Sounds like he just wants to come across as deep and wounded and confused... with all the bullshit and baggage that comes along with that.

Don't bother keeping in touch with this one.

Groovinpeanut · 10/11/2019 18:05

I think you've done the right thing OP.
As you've said the last 4 weeks have been lovely, and that's as it should be with a new relationship.
All the tears and drama over something he has no idea is even true and happened a long time ago is very heavy.
It also seems wrong that he seems to want to end things with you over his ex's wrong doing. Why should you have to pay the price for her shitty behaviour?
Out of interest, did you meet him online?

peardrops1 · 10/11/2019 18:11

Well done OP! Definitely the right thing to do. Either a guy wants to be with you or he doesn't. Anything in between is just not worth your time.

peardrops1 · 10/11/2019 18:12

Also totally agree with Fizzy below. He sounds like a drama llama.

MadnessInMethod · 10/11/2019 18:17

I’m finding this whole crying all night... really bizarre

Anyone else picturing that scene from Friends with Rachel and Bruce Willis where he spends their date night crying.

Closetbeanmuncher · 10/11/2019 18:19

Agree with @rvby and also don't think he's over the ex....I call bullshit on the pregnancy story

Original poster
SirChing · 10/11/2019 18:20

To answer PPs questions

I did meet him online. We have been to each other's houses and I know there is no other woman. He has also hidden his online profile so noone else is contacting him.

I ended things via a whatsapp message. I thought it was easier to explain that way.

I do feel absolutely gutted though. I have dated lots of men and have a long term relationship since my marriage ended. How this man was with me, and me with him, was different to how any of the other men were (who tended to be loons and beg for marriage within a week.....idiots).

I honestly hadn't felt so happy, settled and at peace since I met my ex husband. And I know that he felt the same way. I think it just terrifies him that he might be hurt again. So he is shoving me away now so I can't hurt him.

I have told him that that is self sabotaging. Because I won't chase him. That isnt me. Part of the reason he felt I was amazing is because I am not hard work as I do have a decent self esteem. But with that, comes the fact that I won't put up with someone who runs away when emotionally scared. I am past all that. I hate dramatics.

I have no problem with him letting out his feelings about the abortion. I have every problem with me being the one who suffers for someone else's actions. I told him not the let women of the past cut him and then bleed all over me. But I think his behaviour is too entrenched.

OP posts:
WendyMoiraAngelaDarling · 10/11/2019 18:22

And I know that he felt the same way. I think it just terrifies him that he might be hurt again. So he is shoving me away now so I can't hurt him

I'm sorry but I don't think this is true. If he was into you he'd be with you. It's what he wants you to think so he doesn't feel and look like the bad guy.

Lifeisabeach09 · 10/11/2019 18:23

He is a headfuck.

Run a mile as it will only get worse.

SpinySue · 10/11/2019 18:27

My response? 'Did ye, aye...

MarianaMoatedGrange · 10/11/2019 18:27

He has also hidden his online profile so noone else is contacting him

I have a hidden profile on OLD. I can still contact people. Deleting an OLD profile shows a level of commitment. Merely hiding one doesn't.

Theendofmyrope · 10/11/2019 18:29

I think it just terrifies him that he might be hurt again

Which begs the question...why is he online dating? He sounds like an immature idiot. How old is he? You may have already mentioned it but I may have missed it

DuchessMustard · 10/11/2019 18:37

Sounds like absolute bollocks, he sounds like a manipulative, boring, lying wanker, well done for ending it.

Candle1000 · 10/11/2019 18:37

In my experience, a person can be wary of being hurt again, can have baggage from previous relationships etc but the minute they meet someone who they really like and feel a connection with , all the pain and angst goes away . If someone carries it into a new relationship then they should not be dating ( or they are a head fuck)

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