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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What would you do? Head is reeling.

170 replies

SirChing · 10/11/2019 16:02

I have been seeing a guy for just over a month. We have talked about allsorts and have got very close. We have spent several whole weekends together, had a lovely time.

We have laughed a lot, the sex is amazing, there has been no game playing, it hasn't been hard work. It has been fabulous. We have so much in common and have grown very close very quickly.

He has told me all about his exes. He hasn't said a bad word about any of them, but in my opinion, he has been treated pretty appallingly: been cheated on and all sorts.

Last night, he decided to tell me something that had happened to him years ago. He split up with his girlfriend. After a few months, she contacted him and asked him if they could try again. He said no. She then told him that she had become pregnant and had aborted his baby.

This resulted in him feeling so guilty at not being there for her, he feels he let her down and let down the baby too as he would have wanted the child.

I explained to him that he hadn't let anyone down. He didn't know she was pregnant, she made the choice herself and he is in no way responsible for something he didn't know about.

He was sobbing his heart out in my arms. He has never told anyone about this. It has made him wary in relationships as he is scared of something bad happening. This means he keeps his guard up for a long time, which makes sense to me.

Today, he doesn't know if he wants us to be together any more. He says that because I know what happened, me knowing makes it more "real" and he doesn't know if he can handle that, when he had put what happened in a box and locked it away in his memory.

He is also scared that he is developing feelings for me, and he wants the happy ever after, but is scared of both being hurt again, and also hurting me. He hates that his barriers mean that it takes him a long time to fall for someone, due to his fear of getting hurt, and he doesnt want to hurt me by me falling for him and him not being able to reciprocate as quickly, due to how he is.

I understand his point of view completely, and I don't mind if we feel things at different speeds. I think he is throwing the baby out with the bathwater to give up what he freely admits is an amazing relationship.

He has gone home to have a think about what he wants to do, and to get his head straight. He has never properly grieved for the baby and all his feelings about it have come bursting out.

I am not sure what I am asking, except what would be your response to all this? If you have read this far, you are a Saint and thank you!

OP posts:
Lunde · 10/11/2019 19:09

FizzyGreenWater - then he really is extremely immature, isn't he? And quite the drama queen. People who have had traumatic events happen to them don't act like this - they don't use their trauma as a sort of hyper-important piece of supergossip about themselves - you're so special because only you know, I could never tell anyone else! - and they certainly, CERTAINLY don't do that with someone they've known a month. In a nutshell, if someone who's known you a month is telling you their deepest secret traumas, then you can bet they're not that deep and traumatic. Drama llama. And quite probably a liar.

OMG this is exactly my exH - such a drama llama and liar! I really wish that I hadn't wasted 10 years on him.

Nobody "ever under stood his trauma" he felt he was so special because noone understood his "deep" feelings. I was gullible and made all sorts of allowances of his controlling/sulky behaviour because it was all to do with how badly he was treated.

It was laughable looking back on it - he was even bringing up up just before we separated in marriage counselling although neglecting to mention the fact he was seeing OW to the counsellor The really laughable bit was this man in his 30s still going on about his "special trauma" of breaking up with his gf ..... when he was 14! So over 17 years later!

MarianaMoatedGrange · 10/11/2019 19:19

The really laughable bit was this man in his 30s still going on about his "special trauma" of breaking up with his gf ..... when he was 14! So over 17 years later!

And you actually left this poor tortured soul?

Heartless! Grin

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 10/11/2019 19:26

I told him not the let women of the past cut him and then bleed all over me

That is actually one of the most affirming things I’ve ever read on MN. Bravo OP.

Now take care of yourself. That can’t have been easy x

maybesomeotherday · 10/11/2019 19:38

What age is this guy? And what age was he when this supposedly happened?

12345kbm · 10/11/2019 19:40

The really laughable bit was this man in his 30s still going on about his "special trauma" of breaking up with his gf ..... when he was 14!

Grin
Interestedwoman · 10/11/2019 19:41

'After a few months, she contacted him and asked him if they could try again. He said no. She then told him that she had become pregnant and had aborted his baby.'

I agree with PP's- he rejected her, so she said something to have a go at him back and make it sound like she didn't really care/want him. Fake.

You could say that to him, it might make him feel better.

As to how he's acting at the moment, he probably just feels a bit awkward after a conversation where he laid himself bare to someone he hasn't known long. He'll be back.xxx

Do you go on about your exes to the extent it sounds like he's been doing, though? :)

Lunde · 10/11/2019 19:45

And you actually left this poor tortured soul?

Thankfully - he loved the fact that OW came from a culture that pandered to the menfolk. I guess she was happy to tiptoe around his trauma drama

Although their big wedding almost had to be cancelled as we were not even divorced. I don't this her family ever knew that we were still married! In the end their big white wedding did go ahead ... 5 days after he was divorced from me,

VixenSixen · 10/11/2019 21:05

What amazing strength you have shown here OP. Keep walking and don't look back.....

I've just left a relationship this weekend with a guy who has so much baggage from previous relationships, he's done all of the drama poor me routine and I'm realising too that I've had a lucky escape, it's so difficult to leave something that felt good....... But I'm focusing on all of the negatives about him and not concentrating on all the nice things he did for me - while these were nice, I think it is so easy to overlook other behaviour when you are being given a sob story.

Let it hurt then let it go 🌈 x

Elmer83 · 10/11/2019 21:26

Ruuuuuuuuunnnnnnnn!!!

MsPavlichenko · 10/11/2019 21:27

You only "know" what he told you. That's all.

I suggest you do the Freedom Programme. All women and girls should. Whether in a relationship or not.

leolion81 · 10/11/2019 21:41

I have recently ended a short relationship that has similarities with yours I think. Amazing and I mean AMAZING connection from the off. Full of drama regarding exes (still present in his life unfortunately for me) started off keen and attentive then progressively started throwing me breadcrumbs but because he was clearly telling me he could only offer breadcrumbs I couldn't complain he couldn't offer a full loaf.
After feeling like I was the one with issues and I was going mad I ended it, a good few weeks later than I should have but you know, AMAZING connection!
Almost 3 weeks NC and each day that passes the more I realise what a bullet I dodged. It's horrible and hurts when you feel something special with them and think oh yay here he is, he's the one! Finally! Then you realise they can't/ won't give you what you want from a relationship even when you're offering fun and lighthearted lovely things however good on you for ending it and taking the power back. The difficult part now will be to retain that power, be strong.

isadoradancing123 · 10/11/2019 21:49

He is fucked up and a drama queen, he doesnt even know for sure if she was pregnant

crappyday2018 · 10/11/2019 22:19

I too ended a short relationship (I have a thread on it). It was a whirlwind, very intense and lasted about 10 weeks. He also had 'traumas' in his past ranging from abuse from his mum, car accident, girlfriend died. I look back now and think "you couldn't make that up". I do think this man has love-bombed you and then started the game playing and withdrawing emotions which is part of the game. He opens up and shows his vulnerabilities (to reel you in) and then backs off to make you want more. I could be wrong but it does sound like it. If he was a mature and together guy, he would have told you that so early.

frazzledasarock · 10/11/2019 22:25

Reminds me of the friends episode where Phoebe dates a man who convinces her he’s so traumatised by his overbearing demanding ex, that he can’t possibly commit to anyone ever as it’s far too scary to sleep with a woman due to his traumatic past as it will mean he has to enter into a committed relationship.

Phoebe begs him to have sex with her and she won’t see it as an act leading to a committed relationship.

Joey declares the fuckbuddy his god when he hears how he managed to manipulate phoebe into begging the man to shag her whilst agreeing he retain his single status.

Singletomingle · 10/11/2019 22:28

For all those dismissing this with he doesnt even know she was pregnant it doesn't make it any easier in some ways it is worse.

Original poster
SirChing · 10/11/2019 22:58

I have told him that either the lady made up the abortion to hurt him. In which case she is a cow.

Or (as she was married and kept dangling the carrot of leaving her husband in front of him, as he was totally in love with her), she aborted because she didn't want her husband to find out. Which means she didn't plan to leave him. Which also makes her a cow.

I have pointed out to him that as she was perfectly happy lying to her husband, then she would easily lie to a man she just saw as a shag. I think that shook him a bit.

Anyway, it is as it is. I am not about to beg anyone for a relationship. Not a chance. If he was right for me then it would have worked out. As it hasn't, then he isn't.

OP posts:
Whatisthisfuckery · 10/11/2019 23:01

Oh god no, been there done that. I went and married the loser. Don’t be me OP, well done for breaking it off. Now keep it broke off.

RJoneszy · 10/11/2019 23:01

Hard work. Doesn't sound ready.

NotaWagon · 10/11/2019 23:06

Agree, he has subtitles on himself "im a good guy" but his actions are that he lovebombed you and is now going to relegate you if he can.

Original poster
SirChing · 10/11/2019 23:10

Oh, and for those who are asking. He is 48. He was cheated on by his first long term girlfriend at around 25. He went round to her house one day, saw her shagging another man through the lounge window. When he knocked on the door, she denied even knowing him in front of the man she was shagging. And basically said he was delusional. That they had just come back from a long haul holiday together seemed to escape her mind.

Then it was married abortion lady. I told him it's obvious he went for her in some weird "pick me" dance, having been jilted so horribly by his ex.

Then his ex long term partner was much less horrible. He hasn't badmouthed her. But some of the things he has told me in passing have been fairly bad in my eyes.

After her, he dated a lady for two.months who turned out to be an alcoholic, and he found her in a pool of her own urine. Which was obviously the end.

And now me. I have discussed.my exes too. He said that he didn't believe he deserved better. That he feels that if he had done or said the right thing, then his ex wouldn't have aborted their baby. I pointed out that she clearly would, hence she didn't tell him.

Apparently it isn't specifically me that he doesn't know if he can be with. It's anyone.

So he is pretty much a walking open wound. I advised him to speak to.someone about it all. He is thinking about it.

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 10/11/2019 23:14

I can forgive him personally, I don't think he's doing it to set you up for particular behaviour, I think he's just got hidden baggage that he hasn't dealt with. He's probably right, he isn't ready for a relationship at the moment and its probably not a good idea to drag you into it all. You're probably best wishing him well and walking away from this. I've been in his shoes (different issues, but dating when not ready and I wasn't fair on the guys I was seeing because of it).

BanditoShipman · 10/11/2019 23:18

You sound like you enjoy drama too though op, all that ‘don’t let the cuts from your ex girlfriends bleed on me’ crap! It’s very soap opera / bad fiction, people don’t talk like that in real life unless they love drama

Miniloso · 10/11/2019 23:21

Oh please, he’s 48?! No no no no!!! What an utterly ridiculous thing to do to cry All night whilst with his wonderful new gf at his age.

Well done for getting rid. He sounds a dramatic mess.

Original poster
SirChing · 10/11/2019 23:30

@BanditoShipman

You sound like you enjoy drama too though op, all that ‘don’t let the cuts from your ex girlfriends bleed on me’ crap! It’s very soap opera / bad fiction, people don’t talk like that in real life unless they love drama

A) If I loved drama then I wouldn't have dumped him.
B) I am an ex mental health nurse and have a million and one trite sayings up my sleeve to summarise situations, from when I was counselling patients.

I may sound dramatic to you. I am not going to bother lowering myself to tell you how your comments make you sound.

OP posts:
BanditoShipman · 10/11/2019 23:33

Thank goodness for the ‘ex’ in that sentence Hmm