What would you do? Head is reeling.

[SirChing]

I have been seeing a guy for just over a month. We have talked about allsorts and have got very close. We have spent several whole weekends together, had a lovely time.

We have laughed a lot, the sex is amazing, there has been no game playing, it hasn't been hard work. It has been fabulous. We have so much in common and have grown very close very quickly.

He has told me all about his exes. He hasn't said a bad word about any of them, but in my opinion, he has been treated pretty appallingly: been cheated on and all sorts.

Last night, he decided to tell me something that had happened to him years ago. He split up with his girlfriend. After a few months, she contacted him and asked him if they could try again. He said no. She then told him that she had become pregnant and had aborted his baby.

This resulted in him feeling so guilty at not being there for her, he feels he let her down and let down the baby too as he would have wanted the child.

I explained to him that he hadn't let anyone down. He didn't know she was pregnant, she made the choice herself and he is in no way responsible for something he didn't know about.

He was sobbing his heart out in my arms. He has never told anyone about this. It has made him wary in relationships as he is scared of something bad happening. This means he keeps his guard up for a long time, which makes sense to me.

Today, he doesn't know if he wants us to be together any more. He says that because I know what happened, me knowing makes it more "real" and he doesn't know if he can handle that, when he had put what happened in a box and locked it away in his memory.

He is also scared that he is developing feelings for me, and he wants the happy ever after, but is scared of both being hurt again, and also hurting me. He hates that his barriers mean that it takes him a long time to fall for someone, due to his fear of getting hurt, and he doesnt want to hurt me by me falling for him and him not being able to reciprocate as quickly, due to how he is.

I understand his point of view completely, and I don't mind if we feel things at different speeds. I think he is throwing the baby out with the bathwater to give up what he freely admits is an amazing relationship.

He has gone home to have a think about what he wants to do, and to get his head straight. He has never properly grieved for the baby and all his feelings about it have come bursting out.

I am not sure what I am asking, except what would be your response to all this? If you have read this far, you are a Saint and thank you!

Well done SirChing.
I think you have made the best decision.
And I like your cutting and bleeding analogy. I’m nicking it for use later on.

'I may sound dramatic to you. I am not going to bother lowering myself to tell you how your comments make you sound.'

Oooh, meowww!

Run a mile OP. This is not how normal people behave. You are very naive.

Red flags all over the place here
He's starting the punishment/forgiveness cycle - pushing you away for reasons that are to do with him not you, so that you spend your time telling him it's ok and persuading him to come back. This makes you over invested in the relationship for when the real abuse does start.
He's not overtly rubbishing his exes, but is by telling you that they've all treated him badly. Again this is designed to manipulate you and make you over invested in making the relationship work and prove to him that you are not like the others.

Not all red flags end up with an EA relationship but please be wary.

You've spent SEVERAL whole weekends together in the space of ONE month? That's fucked.

I think what the PP poster meant is you’re engaging in the drama by trying to help counsel him about his issues, long winded explanations to him trying to enlighten him about why he is the way he is...

Don’t waste your energy & breath trying to enlighten this guy. I’m sure you’re an empathetic person & feel like if he realises how well you know him he might see the light & how he’s letting someone who truly “sees” him go.

It is getting sucked into the drama. You might see it as being helpful to show him the error of his ways but it just makes you look weak.

You’re wasting time explaining why this ex is a cow, how the abortion may not be real etc etc but you’re missing the point that this guy is likely not even traumatised & this is just some story of woe he tells women. You’re taking everything he says at face value as truth & that these events actually occurred

So discussing them with him IS partaking in the drama, whether you want to admit that or not

Stop texting him & no more long winded explanations, because it looks like you want him to message back & discuss this so he can be enlightened, realise you’re the one for him & want to be with you.

What did he say when he got your message OP? Any response?

I think you made the right decision.

FizzyGreenWater and BanditoShipman I’m applauding your posts!

OP you gotta ask yourself why you’ve been fairly gullible in this scenario too and so willing and ready to engage with the drama like you have, even your recent post detailing all of the circumstances around what he’s told you of his prior relationships suggests you’ve been very willing to sit for hours on end letting him verbally vomit all over you. This isn’t normal behaviour for a few weeks in, on either side. Maybe your career history has made you so used to MH issues you’ve lost sight of what’s normal and to be expected in new romantic relationships?

I commend you for ending it but even so, you don’t seem to have done it in a normal ‘this isn’t working out, best wishes’ self preservation way, there’s still a lot of making pithy comments and believing you’re educating him on learning points about his own alleged experiences, lots of ‘look what you’ve thrown away’ platitudes and still trying to maintain the fiction that it’s over cos of this intense dramatic wound he’s carrying with him rather than just acknowledging he’s probably not that into you after all and dusting yourself down and refocusing on your own life. It’s all horribly enmeshed and totally weird for four weeks in!

All sounds like very hard work and I could not be bothered.

He hates that his barriers mean that it takes him a long time to fall for someone
He's deluded. He threw himself head long into an intense relationship with you for a month. Not many barriers there.

Well done OP, you did well to extricate yourself. Did he reply?

I think you dodged a big bullet there. He sounds very manipulative. Please do be aware that you can also be vulnerable despite your job. I think your personal life and professional one are very different. I know a woman, who works in the nhs and has the same job as you. Her dd (child) is very screwed up and I don’t think her mother has any idea.

I wouldn't accept poor treatment from a woman whod miscarried nevermind a man who didn't even know it existed. Sorry but I've lost babies myself I didn't know I was pregnant with until I lost it. If it even happened he will use this as an excuse for everything.

Your head is reeling for a reason.

You are being love bombed, manipulated and being pumped full of self serving shit.

The reeling is your spidey senses tingling. Back away, OP. All that drama and lies is not good news. Why don't you find some of his exes and find out the truth their version?

"This is nonsense. He's priming you to accept less than what you want from a relationship with him."

THIS.

He was cheated on by his first long term girlfriend at around 25. He went round to her house one day, saw her shagging another man through the lounge window

Rubbish.

married abortion lady

More rubbish

he dated a lady for two.months who turned out to be an alcoholic, and he found her in a pool of her own urine

Even more rubbish.

Man you’ve dodged a bullet. I knew a guy like this once to the extent if his age was minus ten years of wonder if it was the same fella. He also had a lovely dollop of what I genuinely think was munchausen’s too, no joke.

Complete and utter loon.

Seriously how old are you both?

This means he keeps his guard up for a long time, which makes sense to me.

Youve been seeing him just over a month, if that's keeping his guard up for a long time then bugger me he needs to grow up. Actually both of you sound like you do

16.02 you “understand his point of view completely”
You have “an amazing relationship”

17.38 you dump him

He sounds very odd and dramatic, so it’s a good thing, but only on mumsnet does someone go from thinking they have an amazing relationship to dumping them!

Well good for the OP she got the confirmation she needed and acted swiftly. Only on Mumsnet would someone criticise her for that!! 🙄

His relationship history spans decades! We have all got stories like that when we get to 50 (haven’t we?) I don’t think he should have burdened you with them and then done a runner full of angst.

I honestly hadn't felt so happy, settled and at peace since I met my ex husband. And I know that he felt the same way.

After 4 weeks? 28 days? REALLY?!
All you know about him is the crap he told you.

You have been given some very good advice here from women who can spot these emotionally abusive men a mile off. But you aren’t really listening.

Oh god the drama........I couldn't be arsed with this business so early. Id cut my losses.

I never know if I believe when people say stuff like this... all the ‘I don’t know if I can be with you as I might hurt you or get hurt blah blah blah.’ In my experience it seems to be setting the partner up for a shit relationship ... like after this he can behave how he wants and he will always be able to say ‘oh I told you I shouldn’t have started a relationship, my head isn’t in the right place as I’ve been so hurt before’ or whatever and it’s like he can do whatever he wants as he has made himself the victim in the situation. I might be being INCREDIBLY insensitive but the abortion story sounds a bit OTT to me. I’ve never really heard of a man having such an extreme reaction to an exes abortion... maybe I’m just negative and he’s genuinely just like the most sensitive man in the world but This whole thing after such a short time would make me a bit suspicious and I’d not be sure what his intentions were

My ex was like this and I didn't read the red flags well enough. He was overly intense and told me really deep and personal information very early on, had me feeling sorry for him, had him crying in my arms etc etc.

It set a massive precedence for the rest of our relationship in that I was always the 'rescuer' of the hurt and vulnerable 'victim' (my ex). I always had to be the strong one supporting him through. It became unbelievably exhausting and mentally draining to deal with someone who was so hurt by the past that he didn't know what he wanted and I was often left doubting the relationship and how long it would last before the next intense chat.

I ended up bumbling through for 5 years, had a child (in fairness to my ex it wasn't always bad, as we had a child) but the underlying fear of his that everything would implode meant he started to treat me terribly and became abusive towards me as a way of 'testing' my loyalty.

Just read your messages - well done OP for paying attention to the red flags and ending it

I can only echo what other posters have said. After a month it should still be fun not all of this heavy shit. I'm not doubting his story but it does seem like his setting you up for the runaround. Whenever he lets you down he can turn on the tears and blame his troubled past. Everyone has been through shit, you don't need to bring it into your next relationship. The way I see it, if someone wants you they will make the effort and be present. None of this fannying around.

I'd give him the space he needs and get on with your life. Disappointing yes but probably for the best.

You sound like you enjoy drama too though op, all that ‘don’t let the cuts from your ex girlfriends bleed on me’ crap! It’s very soap opera / bad fiction, people don’t talk like that in real life unless they love drama

I agree with this. This is all so bizzarre

I cant prove it but id be willing to bet that thr ex NEVER said that about an abortion. Hes making it up. He IS lovebombing you, he's Mr Noce guy 🤦‍♀️ what a frustrating read, you clearly do enjoy the drama as your texting him bullshit about his bullshit!!

I am an ex mental health nurse and have a million and one trite sayings up my sleeve to summarise situations, from when I was counselling patients then why can you not spot that this man has issues?

Everything he has told you doesnt sound normal does it, 48 years old and crying over a termination? Fuck off. Hes playing you like a fool your falling for the same script he gave all his exes,

Your obviously blind to it now or your loving the drama 🙈 hes lying to you, your being unbelievably foolish letting yourself get drawn into all of this