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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Splitting Up - daughter, oh, what a mess

302 replies

bangheadhere40 · 08/11/2019 09:38

I was hoping for some advice. I don't know where to start.

I live with my partner and we have been together 4 years. I want to split up but he makes me think I am being unreasonable.

I have a son and a daughter ( not his ) he is generally good with them and gets on well with my son. He seems to think my daughter manipulates me and tells us all this. We had a huge row last night where he got my son on side and told my DD this situation is all her fault, she is a bully etc. To me she is a normal 13 year old - he tells me I can't see it.

He is now saying he won't leave unless I give him some money. To be fair he pays rent and I can give him this months back and I stupidly said I would give him more just to get rid of him. He is now saying if I pay it he is gone....and won't take any less. Half of me thinks just to do it to get rid of him ( he has no money of his own) and half of me thinks not.

I feel so confused if he does have a point about my daughter, but surely as an adult he souldn't be saying those things to her ( even if they do have an element of truth).

OP posts:
LikeGlitterandGold · 08/11/2019 14:26

I'm sorry about what's happening to you and your DC but I'm glad you saw fit to get rid of him. Can your DD stay at a friends house until he's gone so she's not being targeted while he's leaving?

I agree with other PPs that you all should go for family counseling after this.

Good luck, Op!

BertrandRussell · 08/11/2019 14:27

@bangheadhere40 - please don’t weaken.....

Original poster
bangheadhere40 · 08/11/2019 14:29

I'm not weakening, I know it's best 100%.

I just feel like he takes no blame for this, which is irrelevant really. I also feel sad but that's normal I guess.

OP posts:
Annasgirl · 08/11/2019 14:30

Dear OP, please do not let this man into your house again. You need to be strong to-day. Is there anyone IRL who could come and stay with you while he comes to the door? Have his stuff ready and hand it to him.

Please also change the locks.

I have a teen and a preteen and I really am shocked at this. You will need to ensure that this man cannot contact your son. Sorry if I missed it, but does your DS ever see his biological dad?

Original poster
bangheadhere40 · 08/11/2019 14:33

My DS does see his biological dad yes, they don't have a great bond though. He always thought more highly of my boyfriend.

OP posts:
Volvemos · 08/11/2019 14:35

Please make sure your children aren’t alone when he’s there. If you, a friend/relative can’t be there, could they go to a friend’s house after school or come to your workplace.

I think you are right to be anxious, please listen to what you are trying to tell yourself about the situation.

Protect your children and secure the house first. Deal with the emotional fallout later when you are all safe.

hellsbellsmelons · 08/11/2019 14:55

He always thought more highly of my boyfriend
Well of course, because your STBEx treated him as the golden child and his sister as the scapegoat!

ReanimatedSGB · 08/11/2019 14:55

Ring 101 and tell the police that you are getting an abusive man out of the house and you are worried that he will not go peacefully. Tell them you are afraid he may become aggressive towards you/the children.
Then if he doesn't go when told to, call them and ask them to remove him, which they can and will do.
And please do go on the Freedom Programme, or you will be a target for the next abusive prick who crosses your path. Someone probably trained you to accept abuse and Obey Your Male Owner before you met this one.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 08/11/2019 15:00

Get him out now! The sooner you do this the quicker you can start to rebuild the relationship with your dc.

Once you've transferred the money over, change the locks and leave his stuff somewhere. Call the police if he tries to get back in.

Keep all his messages

queenjolo29 · 08/11/2019 15:00

Hey sorry your going Thur this, can you not take the kids out later for dinner etc, then hopefully he can get his stuff and go? X

carly2803 · 08/11/2019 15:31

jesus christ - change the locks, packhis shit up and tell him toget gone.

he never needs to step foot in your house again and no drama needed in front of the kids

dont give him money either.

Branleuse · 08/11/2019 15:37

please tell both of your children together that it is NEITHER of their fault, and that your ex tried to divide you all, but it wont work, because you are family and you wont let anybody speak to any of them like that

VaggieMight · 08/11/2019 15:47

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at poster's request.

RhinoskinhaveI · 08/11/2019 16:20

Why do I feel so anxious, even though I know it's wrong I still feel sad
because it's horrible, stressful and upsetting, this man has abused your trust and treated you badly, of course you feel sad, a relationship that you hoped and wanted to be good for all of you turned out to be an abusive one.
Give yourself time to process all this and come to terms with thingsFlowers

RhinoskinhaveI · 08/11/2019 16:23

Again, no responsibility, nothing is his fault
It doesnt matter, you know what he is and you dont want to engage with him ever again.
He might hope that you will chase after him trying to establish whose fault this is and then he can lure you back in somehow...that's his motive for leaving unfinished business, it potentially gives him a foot in the door for next time.
Drop him like a hot brick and dont go near him again.

LittlePaintBox · 08/11/2019 16:43

One reason you feel anxious is probably just all the stress hormones running round your system from dealing with this all day. Hopefully you will feel better once he's been and collected his stuff.

You've been really decisive, don't weaken, and especially don't take any notice if he tries to get your sympathy about having nowhere to go. I assume they have Premier Inn etc in your town.

Sunflowersok · 08/11/2019 17:13

I know rent and mortgage payments are in advance but aren’t the other bills billed at the end of the month? So technically could you just hand back his share of the mortgage rent?

Sunflowersok · 08/11/2019 17:15

Apologies OP I’ve just caught up with the thread - ignore me!

InTheTempest · 08/11/2019 17:39

I can understand paying him back his rent but you shouldn't give him more than this.

I think you should speak to Women's Aid for some help and advice for you and your children. There are programmes available to support them as well as you (you should consider doing the Freedom programme as has already been suggested on here).

You need to protect them now- and don't just assume it is too late for your son to realise what is going on. This is why you need to contact Women's Aid to see what support they can also offer your children. They need to understand how unhealthy this relationship was. Your daughter needs protecting and to realise that no man should ever treat her like this.

You also really need to change the locks- you were prepared to give more money to ex but not pay for the locks to be changed? You really have no idea if he has made copies of the keys.

You have to take control of this for the children immediately. How would you feel if he comes back, is able to get in the house and kicks off again?

SeaEagleFeather · 08/11/2019 17:41

banghead when you deal with him, imagine yourself standing on a solid rock with an invisible shield around you.

You know this man is abusive. You know from the beginning he forced his way in with emotional blackmail. You know he's worked really hard on destroying your family.

He's a very troubled and destructive individual. Keep imagining a shield around you, and around your children. He -can't- get to you through that shield.

Clangus00 · 08/11/2019 17:59

Good luck OP.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/11/2019 18:06

Honestly, you need to get your DC out of the house. DD could probably just lock herself away in her room & put on headphones as I'm sure she doesn't want to see or hear him. But DS should be out of the house. Is there anywhere you can send him? Honestly, I'd confide in a neighbour or one of DS's friend's parents if it meant I could send him there.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/11/2019 18:07

^^ I realize my post may be too late to help. Hope all is going well.

Original poster
bangheadhere40 · 08/11/2019 18:14

He's been and gone. Gave me my key back,packed his stuff and went. I didn't say a word to him and he didn't to me. I'm sure he doesn't have a copy but I am getting them changed incase.

I told my son and to be honest he didn't seem that fussed,my daughter tried to speak to him as he left but he blanked her, completely ignored her and she only said hello and tried to be polite. She was out with a friend but just tried to say hello.

Loser.

My daughter has just come in upset about him blanking her. I said it not her fault, she's gone out with a friend now seems happy enough.

How can he do that.

OP posts:
Original poster
bangheadhere40 · 08/11/2019 18:19

Feels quite surreal after 4 years.

He just text and apologised said he didn't see her waving and shouting hello at him...whatever.

Anyway he's not coming back, God knows where he has gone.

OP posts:
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