Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Splitting Up - daughter, oh, what a mess

302 replies

bangheadhere40 · 08/11/2019 09:38

I was hoping for some advice. I don't know where to start.

I live with my partner and we have been together 4 years. I want to split up but he makes me think I am being unreasonable.

I have a son and a daughter ( not his ) he is generally good with them and gets on well with my son. He seems to think my daughter manipulates me and tells us all this. We had a huge row last night where he got my son on side and told my DD this situation is all her fault, she is a bully etc. To me she is a normal 13 year old - he tells me I can't see it.

He is now saying he won't leave unless I give him some money. To be fair he pays rent and I can give him this months back and I stupidly said I would give him more just to get rid of him. He is now saying if I pay it he is gone....and won't take any less. Half of me thinks just to do it to get rid of him ( he has no money of his own) and half of me thinks not.

I feel so confused if he does have a point about my daughter, but surely as an adult he souldn't be saying those things to her ( even if they do have an element of truth).

OP posts:
messolini9 · 08/11/2019 18:20

Congratulations @bangheadhere40.

Have a lovely weekend with your children & no badmouthing manipulative cocklodger!

Original poster
bangheadhere40 · 08/11/2019 18:21

Calm as a cucumber today. Like a different man, guess this is part of the cycle to make me doubt myself.

OP posts:
SeaEagleFeather · 08/11/2019 18:22

Well done.

I still think you need to talk to both of them as soon as possible about what's been going on - that he's been deliberately splitting them, however nice he appeared to be to your son.

As a PP said, are you sure he and your son won't be apping or having other contact?

OxfordCat · 08/11/2019 18:22

Please get a few family therapy sessions arranged to support your DC's and you. Your son is like bottling up his feelings and that's why he didn't react much. x

Original poster
bangheadhere40 · 08/11/2019 18:28

I just spoke to my son, he said he does think its his sisters sister's fault but he's ok with it. He still loves me and her.

I said it's nothing to do with his sister.....

He's busy on his xbox and doesn't really want to talk about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
bangheadhere40 · 08/11/2019 18:33

And I can't really stop any contact between the two of them, he's not a little kid and I cant take his phone away from him if he chooses to get in touch.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 08/11/2019 19:03

you can stop him. You absolutely can. Hes 15, and you can get enough time and distance now. Tell him that its very important that he stays away because of the damage this man has done. Hes young enough that you can have a say in this, and hes old enough that you can explain a bit about abusive tactics

Original poster
bangheadhere40 · 08/11/2019 19:13

He's just come down defending him, my son is a good lad who takes everything at face value and sees the good in everybody.

I've let him vent....he's asking when he can see him.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 08/11/2019 19:22

He’s old enough for some straight talking- have you explained to him clearly why he had to go?

KurriKurri · 08/11/2019 19:28

When I split from my abusive XH a friend said to me that you don;t need to tell you children your X is an arsehole, they will realise it for themsleves given time.

Sadly I think this is what will happen with your DS - this man is unlikley to keep up contact with him for long if you are splitting up, and he will realise that your X is the manipulative one - using divisive tactics to create tension in your family.

Definitely reassure your DD as I'm sure you are doing - there is no way this is her fault and it is pretty disgusting that he would even suggest this. Maybe when the time is right point out to your DS that he was being given a very one sided story from the X about your DD.

My XH did similar to our DD and it really hurt her, it was totally untrue and was because he wouldn't take responsibility for his own behaviour so blamed a child. Cruel and nasty behaviour.

EKGEMS · 08/11/2019 19:35

You're his mother you can decide who he associates with and can control his gaming and his cell phone usage -do you pay for them? Perhaps you could use some counseling or parenting classes because you sound strangely powerless in your life

MsPavlichenko · 08/11/2019 19:38

Please google the Freedom Programme. Try and sign up for it and in the meantime do it online.

Aila89 · 08/11/2019 19:40

Change the locks and put his stuff out.
Pay him nothing.
The issue with your daughter is she is sharing her home with a man that is emotionally abusive towards her. I hope she's okay, what a horrible burden to put on a young girl to think she is responsible for the relationship breakdown.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/11/2019 19:47

I don't know about the UK, but in the US a parent certainly does have the right to tell an adult to stay away from their minor child. You have a good reason for not wanting them to be in contact, not that you should even need one.

I don't see any reason why this man should maintain contact with your DS, regardless of what DS wants. If nothing else, DS would serve as a conduit of information about you. I'd also inform his school about the breakup and ask them to contact me if they see him hanging around.

There is 'repair work' to be done for you, DD, and DS. And having him on the 'outskirts' isn't going to help that happen. Especially if he's dripping poison about DD or telling DS that he doesn't need to listen to you.

But if very well may be that the Ex will lose interest in DS now that the relationship is over. I'd certainly keep my eyes and ears open.

Original poster
bangheadhere40 · 08/11/2019 19:52

I have tried to explain but my son is entitled to his opinion and I want him to be able to tell me how he feels without me telling him he's wrong. I have explained my point of view and he is ok.

I feel quite odd at the moment, I don't feel sadness, I don't feel relieved. I just feel quite numb.

OP posts:
Original poster
bangheadhere40 · 08/11/2019 19:53

Dd isn't that bothered, just with her mates but yeah I've told her it's not her fault in the slightest.

OP posts:
OxfordCat · 08/11/2019 19:57

I think you need to explain abuse to your son so that he understands fully and never ends up mimicking your ex's behaviour himself. It's not a matter of opinion. It's a busy and manipulation.
I agree that the freedom programme might be a good idea to support you with this.

OxfordCat · 08/11/2019 19:58

*abuse and manipulation

ReanimatedSGB · 08/11/2019 20:01

Remember that this prick is not DCs' father so he can be cut out of all your lives completely. It can be tricky when you have to get rid of an abusive father because DC can be concerned about the fact that they have their dad's genes and therefore criticism of him can feel like criticims of them and they can internalise it. But in this case, you can tell your DC exactly what a shit he is, how he lied and tried to hurt you all and that you will never, any of you, have to have any contact with him again. It's absolutely fine to 'poison them against him' because he is worthless and horrible and he has no legal rights at all with regard to your DC.
If he makes contact with any of you (as long as he has all his belongings) inform him that none of you want to hear from him ever again and that further approaches from him will be treated as harassment and reported to the police. You can do this. He is nothing to any of you.

Beveren · 08/11/2019 20:03

He's saying now that I am controlled by her and sod anyone else...

Translates as: "I resent the fact that you are not controlled by me".

Over time, I suspect your son will work out that your daughter has done nothing wrong. Would it be worth talking to his father about the situation so that he can back you up?

Beveren · 08/11/2019 20:04

I also suspect that he will lose all interest in your son when he can't use him to get at you. Which is going to be quite hard on your son, but maybe a useful lesson in looking below the surface when dealing with people who flatter you.

SeaEagleFeather · 08/11/2019 20:18

I don't know, this man deliberately targetted the son.

From the bits the OP has said he's on the surface very nice and likeable but actually one hell of a misognyst. A sheer brutal man wouldn't have encouraged the friendship with his 'stepson'.

This one has the signs of someone who hates women, wants to cut them into ribbons and wants to encourage other people to do the same.

OP you really need to take action here with your son. Putting your hands in the air and saying "he's 15, he can think what he likes" is copping out. The damage this man has done is going to stay between your children for decades unless you woman up and get some help for them - and for yourself, because you let yourself get ground down by him.

No condemnation, i've just got out of a marriage with a destructive man though in that case there are other reasons. But you do need to wake up and see what's going on, becuase right now you still have your eyes 3/4 shut.

user1480880826 · 08/11/2019 20:21

You need to demonstrate to your daughter that you are on her side and that people cannot talk to her the way your partner did. She is only a child.

You don’t need to give him any money. Just change the locks and pack his bags.

OxfordCat · 08/11/2019 20:23

So true @SeaEagleFeather

Shooturlocalmethdealer · 08/11/2019 21:07

This is exactly why my partner and I have been together over 11 years but dont live together. Way to messy. I'm so glad you see what kind of man he has turned out to be OP. Good on you!! No matter how your daughter is or isnt it is NOT his place to say so. She is a child. You are doing the right thing. Best wishes to you Flowers

Swipe left for the next trending thread