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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Splitting Up - daughter, oh, what a mess

302 replies

bangheadhere40 · 08/11/2019 09:38

I was hoping for some advice. I don't know where to start.

I live with my partner and we have been together 4 years. I want to split up but he makes me think I am being unreasonable.

I have a son and a daughter ( not his ) he is generally good with them and gets on well with my son. He seems to think my daughter manipulates me and tells us all this. We had a huge row last night where he got my son on side and told my DD this situation is all her fault, she is a bully etc. To me she is a normal 13 year old - he tells me I can't see it.

He is now saying he won't leave unless I give him some money. To be fair he pays rent and I can give him this months back and I stupidly said I would give him more just to get rid of him. He is now saying if I pay it he is gone....and won't take any less. Half of me thinks just to do it to get rid of him ( he has no money of his own) and half of me thinks not.

I feel so confused if he does have a point about my daughter, but surely as an adult he souldn't be saying those things to her ( even if they do have an element of truth).

OP posts:
isadoradancing123 · 08/11/2019 21:20

But dont be totally blinded and listen to your son if he truly believes his sister is favoured

Original poster
bangheadhere40 · 08/11/2019 22:24

If I ever meet a man in the future I swear I will never live with them again, until my kids are a lot older.

To the poster who has been living apart for 11 years....that sounds like the best of both worlds x

OP posts:
Original poster
bangheadhere40 · 08/11/2019 22:25

Had a chat with dd, se isn't upset ithe slightest

OP posts:
WatchingFriendsOnRepeat · 08/11/2019 22:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

saraclara · 08/11/2019 22:35

@WatchingFriendsOnRepeat

My eyes just rolled into the back of my head.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/11/2019 22:43

If I ever meet a man in the future I swear I will never live with them again, until my kids are a lot older.

I'm married, but if I were to become single there is no way in hell I'd ever live with another man. DH is wonderful, but I'm too old to break in a new one. Seriously though, a good friend of mine (grown kids) is seeing a man, they both live in their own houses and spend time together as they feel like it. She says it's absolutely wonderful.

goldfinchfan · 08/11/2019 23:04

I don't see how anyone can stop a fifteen year old making contact with their ex SF.
How?
It might not be a good thing but unless she locks him up she can't stop him.

She can talk to him and maybe do the Family Therapy so they can all talk together.

You are doing great today OP. Keep on and do ask fo rhelp or do the Freedom thingy. No more prickly men in your home.

RhinoskinhaveI · 08/11/2019 23:06

Glad to hear you're doing ok OP😊
I think it's quite normal to feel numb this is an awful lot to take in and process.
it is awkward that your ex seems to want to keep up contact with your son isn't it, if you oppose it then he will probably just keep in contact with him anyway but secretly (or at least I would have - when I was 15 I flouted every rule that my parents made)

KristinaM · 09/11/2019 03:48

I'm married, but if I were to become single there is no way in hell I'd ever live with another man. DH is wonderful, but I'm too old to break in a new one. Seriously though, a good friend of mine (grown kids) is seeing a man, they both live in their own houses and spend time together as they feel like it. She says it's absolutely wonderful

I’m with you , @AcrossthePond55

CottonHeadedNinyMuggins · 09/11/2019 09:46

Glad things went better than expected lovely, I'd keep an eye on your son incase he's dripping itno his ear via SM or texts etc :) x

Original poster
bangheadhere40 · 09/11/2019 11:05

I'm finding it really hard today.

Haven't heard from him or contacted him though.

OP posts:
RhinoskinhaveI · 09/11/2019 11:11

Well done for not contacting him, every interaction that you have with him gives him information about you and helps him to manoeuvre and manipulate.
He is a predator and he will only ever try to exploit you, turn your back on him and focus on rebuilding yourself

Fweakout · 09/11/2019 11:24

You're doing the right thing. Well done. Your children will learn you are a team - "we don't let anyone abuse any of us".

WatchingFriendsOnRepeat · 09/11/2019 12:01

I have read the full thread now and just wanted to say sorry for my earlier, OTT comment. I asked for it to be removed just because I felt so silly. You are going to be just fine Thanks

InTheTempest · 09/11/2019 12:20

Hang in in there OP 💐 your life, and your children's, will be so much better without him.

goldfinchfan · 09/11/2019 12:33

OP it will feel v strange .You have made a big change.
Hang in there you have done the best thing well done

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/11/2019 12:37

apologised said he didn't see her waving and shouting hello at him

So how would he know?

Sorry you are having a down day but this tells you all you need to know.

You have totally done the right thing. He's an obnoxious, sexist waste of space and you are so much better off without him. He doesn't see you or your DD as worthy of his time or attention. Whether or not he remains in contact with your son is something to worry about tomorrow. I suspect he will just fuck off, which may make life easier, but might be hard for your son.

Well done for not contacting him. And do not!!! I know it's hard but stay strong and get a load of bloody ice-cream or chocolate or wine in and make a nice plan for the evening.

You've got this, honestly, you have. Flowers

SeaEagleFeather · 09/11/2019 12:42

Every time you miss the good side of him, remember how he called your daughter manipulative and basically, a bad person. Remember how he gave you a fucking -ultimatum- about moving in (I guarentee you he knew what you'd answer). Remember how he's molding your son to blame his sister and think she's bad. Remember how he said you were unable to cope.

Keep yourself strong here lovey. Look after yourself; keep busy if it helps.

TheTickingTime · 09/11/2019 12:49

Uhh so he is saying your daughter is manipulative, but then he tells you that he is not leaving unless you pay up? He uses your children to back himself up? This isn't war? He is manipulative and clear tactics from one is blaming others, and having your children back him up to make everyone doubt you, not on. I bet he is very loving, great in bed, and when things are good, they are really good? But confront him on his bad behaviour you get war, right?

AcrossthePond55 · 09/11/2019 13:37

It's ok that you're finding it hard. You had a dream of what you thought your life would be like with him. You've had to let go the dream and that is very painful, even when the man involved is a total jerk. Grieve the loss of the dream, not the loss of the man.

My ex was abusive. I kicked him out. I still cried any number of times. Partly out of relief and partly because my 'dream' was gone. But I got over it as I began to really feel the freedom of living my own life in my own way. You'll get there, give yourself time.

Original poster
bangheadhere40 · 09/11/2019 18:46

I don't feel upset it's over as such, we hadn't been sleeping in the same room for 9 months or so now.

I hope he has somewhere,he hasn't been in touch. Took the kids out this afternoon and had fun, now they are at their dads.

Sitting with a glass of wine now but just feeling quite overwhelmed.

OP posts:
Innishh · 09/11/2019 20:13

He was screaming last night and told DD it's all your fault this is happening, he tells my son the same. He can be so nasty to her.

You have all been the victims of domestic abuse.

Your DD has been directly targeted.

I just can’t imagine being a child and a fully grown male adult screaming and being nasty to me in my own home.

It is truly shocking that she has suffered this. She will have been emotionally injured and I would focus on securing some professional help to heal the damage - otherwise she will walk into relationships where she is treated like shit.

Raise your glass tonight to your success on getting this abusive misogynistic thug out of your home. Well done on prioritising fun with your DCs - keep that up and enjoy a calm, peaceful and respectful home - this is a brilliant gift to your DCs and will give them a blueprint of how their relationships should be in future.

Bluebutterfly90 · 09/11/2019 20:43

Wow OP I'm really glad you've managed to get him out of your house.
But on the other hand I really do think you need to address the situation with your son.

He really needs to know that you two broke up because of your ex's behaviour towards a child. Even if your son feels like his sister gets preferential treatment sometimes, there's really no way he should be 'on the side of' a grown man throwing tantrums and blaming his relationship issues on a barely teenaged girl.
I think its important that your son knows that even if all the things your ex had said about your daughter were true - the way he acted was still inappropriate and warranted him being removed.

All the best to you and your kids moving forward Flowers

SpringFan · 09/11/2019 20:45

While you are on your own, get your application for single person occupancy in to the Council, and apply for the benefits you lost when he moved in, if you are still eligible for them.

Original poster
bangheadhere40 · 09/11/2019 20:55

Thanks everyone, and I mean this as I don't have much real life support but I don't think I could have carried on with it without this thread.

I hear he's staying at a mates this weekend, I just hope he finds somewhere soon, his stuff is still here but he can get it whenever.

I am not entitled to benefits I don't think as I work full time...pretty sure I'm not.

OP posts: