Splitting Up - daughter, oh, what a mess

[bangheadhere40]

I was hoping for some advice. I don't know where to start.

I live with my partner and we have been together 4 years. I want to split up but he makes me think I am being unreasonable.

I have a son and a daughter ( not his ) he is generally good with them and gets on well with my son. He seems to think my daughter manipulates me and tells us all this. We had a huge row last night where he got my son on side and told my DD this situation is all her fault, she is a bully etc. To me she is a normal 13 year old - he tells me I can't see it.

He is now saying he won't leave unless I give him some money. To be fair he pays rent and I can give him this months back and I stupidly said I would give him more just to get rid of him. He is now saying if I pay it he is gone....and won't take any less. Half of me thinks just to do it to get rid of him ( he has no money of his own) and half of me thinks not.

I feel so confused if he does have a point about my daughter, but surely as an adult he souldn't be saying those things to her ( even if they do have an element of truth).

Thanks everyone, seriously cannot wait until tonight is out of the way. There is no excuse now he has the money is there to find himself somewhere....

I just want to be able to feel relaxed in my own home, I am scared I will be lonely but I guess nothing is more lonely that living with someone you don't like and having to tip toe around them all the time.

I felt pressured originally to let him move in, he gave me an ultimatum of let him move in or it's over. At the time he was staying over a bit and used to get tax credits so I said he shouldn't be staying over as much, he said either he does or it's over. I decided to let him, cancel my benefits at the time etc. I've never really felt it's been my choice which is quite miserable reading it back.

You could have afforded the emergency locksmith if you hadn't given him that money. But water under the bridge now. Just get the locks changes ASAP. Google 'changing lock barrels' & watch a couple videos to see if you think you are handy enough to change them yourself. Much cheaper than a whole new lock.

I do think the next thing you need to do is get both children in to some type of counseling. Perhaps through the school?

It's just how he makes me feel, he really makes me feel like a crap mum where DD is concerned. The way he speaks about her you would think she was stealing, doing drugs etc....she needs quite a lot of attention yes, but doesn't every young girl.

Says I need to get her under control and I don't parent her!

I will google the lock thing, it's a barrel lock on a new door, it has like 5 levers on the door, I'm not sure if that makes it harder! It's a wooden door so the chain is a good idea.

Good for you.

I'm delighted that you have chucked him out. Make sure he goes and have a low bar for calling the police.

This man has bulldozed over your boundaries right from the start
well done for getting rid of him
Keep your boundaries strong and well maintained!

I will hopefully be able to confirm later that he has actually gone! I'm sure it will turn into a bad environment but I will just try and not react and get dragged into it. I'm really really anxious.

Thanks for all taking the time to reply to me....it is helping.

OP I really feel for you, it's a horrible situation to be in. But the others are right, you need to get him out of your house as soon as possible, preferably today.

Your DD is 13 years old - of course she's tricky, that's adolescence! Right now she needs someone to advocate for her and defend her against this awful man. And although your DS is going to be upset about him going, it will be MUCH better in the long run to have this controlling man out of all of your lives.

Pay him the month's rent if it helps to get him out. But I agree, have his things packed, the kids elsewhere, get a friend round to support you and don't let him back inside the house.

You're incredibly brave to have posted this and I wish you all the best, you'll be so much better off without him. Good luck.

I just thought....will you be able to stop communications between your DS and this man? Just because you kick him out doesn't mean he'll stop trying to cause trouble.

So the thing is, however badly your dd is behaving ( and it may not even be that bad), it is never right for adults to blame the break up of a relationship on a child. Adults have to take responsibility for their own relationships regardless of how a child is behaving. I think once everything has calmed down a bit, then you will be able to explain this to your son. In addition, your dd's behaviour may be very different once he is gone.

I will google the lock thing, it's a barrel lock on a new door, it has like 5 levers on the door, I'm not sure if that makes it harder!

It’s worth having a google but it could easily be straight forward. As in really easy! There are plenty of YouTube videos etc.

@goadyficker you're bang on. OP, locksmith and bin bags. You don't need that asshole screwing your family up!

I'm not sure whether you've said this, but please make sure that your daughter isn't there when he turns up. Also make sure that you have another adult with you - a neighbour or friend or family member. It would be MUCH better if your son wasn't there, either.

You're doing really well. Well done.

Re door
It's likely to be that you only have to change the cylinder. (Not all the 5 barrels /mortises on the door). It's just the little bit behind the key - it pops out with screwdriver.
Hope this helps.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=cppvsKj_3QQ

I am so glad you have decided to make him leave.
Much better to make your decisions than letting him.
Your DD is 13 she is going to need your attention more for the next three years at least so you do not need this man clouding your mind.
Hopefully she will be pleased to see him gone.
Your son might need to have some kind of counseling or an adult male to talk to about this because he has been manipulated and he may try to blame you .
You have done the right thing and your kids need you even more when they are teens. Well done.

Please don't listen to what he says about your daughter. It's depressing that you are willing to think the worst of her because some manipulative guy says it, but are looking for all sorts of reasons to think better of him than he deserves (he buys food sometimes, your son likes him). Really think about why you've got it that way round, because it's all kinds of wrong. I know he's leaving later but something to think about for the future.

He sounds like a nasty child himself. Hope he goes with a minimum of fuss OP.

Unfortunately the kids will be there later. I have told him to just get his stuff as quickly as possible and leave without causing a scene. I don't really have anyone to help me out at such short notice.

I'm hoping he will come back after work and will be out shortly after.

People will usually help at short notice in a crisis.

And really, go and pack his stuff yourself. Then he doesn’t even have to come in.

Try your house insurance, make them aware a set of keys/key has fallen into wrong hands...depending on your cover they may be able to get an emergency lock change done... happened to me a couple of years back (keys stolen from my car) and locks were changed within 3 hours.

Please be careful tonight and don't let him wear you down with manipulative bullshit.

His goal, now that he has your £800, may well be to try to bamboozle you into letting him stay while also keeping your cash.

I mean no offence but you do seem quite vulnerable to his manipulation because he had you questioning whether you should stay in a relationship with him just because your son likes him which is, quite frankly, a ridiculous reason to share a bed with anyone.

Best of luck to you, keep your chin up.

He says he's just going to go and wants to get the hell away from me.

Again, no responsibility, nothing is his fault.

Why do I feel so anxious, even though I know it's wrong I still feel sad.