My adult son lied to me. Now what?

[tumblelord]

Following on from my previous thread. I recently found out that my 38 year old son has been lying to me for years. He has a DS5 and DD2 and has been going through court to see them. He said that he hadn't been allowed to have contact with the children because his ex had made up lies about him. It seems that they weren't lies.

He was aggressive and threatening to his ex when she was pregnant. He isn't allowed to see DGD because she's seen as vulnerable due to her age. He is now allowed contact with DGS but DGS refuses to go with him. He smashed up a contact centre, made malicious reports to social services and spend hours parked near his ex's house to intimidate her.

He has been living with me since his relationship ended but I can't face being in the house with him at the moment. I only found out on Saturday when I was cleaning his room and found a court bundle. I can't kick him out because he only earns a small amount and doesn't have the income or paperwork to rent somewhere. I don't know what to do. I have no relationship with my grandchildren because I love and trusted my son. I feel such a fool.

You don't sound like you really want these children in your life. I would walk over hot coals to see my grandchildren, whether I already had a relationship with them or not. You are making a lot of excuses and avoiding swallowing your pride to their mother.

Hello everyone. Last night didn't go well. Son was upset and initially tried to deny it all before walking out. We decided to give him the 3 months to get himself organised before he needs to leave. We are going to post a cheque to his ex and say that we know the truth now.

Are you planning to apologise as well?

Why can't he look for somewhere to live now and claim housing benefit?

Son was upset and initially tried to deny it all before walking out

So if he still expects his lies to be believed in the face of overwhelming evidence, and then walks out of the discussion if it doesn't go his way, what possible reason do you have to think he'll "organise himself" within 3 months? And what plans does he have to repay you for the money you've sent DIL?

Never mind ... I'm sure he'll think of plenty more lies in that time to persuade you to go right on covering for him

We've not worded a letter yet.

We don't want to put him in a situation where it's only a short term fix. 3 months will ensure he can get payslips, a deposit, etc and it will be more likely to be a success

Ok, really well done tumblelord.

If I were you I'd put the 3 month 'notice' in writing. You might find it difficult to actually get him to leave and having it in writing might make it easier if you have to actually evict him or otherwise ask for help to get him out. Or if nothing else, have something to show if he bleats it about that you 'just kicked him out'.

I understand you wanting to help out your DiL, but I think it would be better if you wrote her a heartfelt letter of apology before you sent her any money, as it feels like a 'bribe' to get her to allow you into her/her DC's lives. Apologize first, and if she accepts your olive branch, then sent her a cheque, but make sure she understands that it is a gift. If she doesn't accept your apologies, you can still send the cheque, but as a 'farewell gesture'.

Wow. I’m impressed well done

Good. I hope the cheque helps heal the rift.

So your plan is to continue enabling your son while hoping the check is enough to bribe your dil into thinking you are on her side?

Am I the only one who is facepalming here?

Well done, OP. Your son was never going to react well to this. Keep faith that you are doing the right thing, including the right thing for him by no longer enabling his bad behaviour.

The cheque and letter plan is great. Please do not attach strings to the money and do not have any expectations of seeing the children soon. Start with a sincere apology for not believing her and say the money is a recognition of the difficulties and costs she has faced to keep her children safe, including difficulties that you now understand were exacerbated by your enabling of your son's awful behaviour

I'm sure some users on here are never satisfied. What more can I do?

So let me get this right?

Your brute of a son assaulted a child, his child, assaulted a woman, smashed up a contact centre - you know the place other children should feel safe whilst they are seeing their 'nice' parent.
He's lied.
He's manipulated you
He has commited a number of criminal acts - oh I hope she seeks vengence and turns the bastard in.
He is denying his own children proper financial support. You know the stuff needed to feed them, cloth them, put a roof over their heads

Has now lied yet again. Stormed out of the house having a fucking tantrum and YOU are still rewarding him?

What the fuck does he have to do for you to WAKE UP and see what is going on right in front of you.

But no, you go and actually reward him. WTAF?
3 months???? He should be grateful and fucking grovelling on his pathetic knees to stay to the rest of the month.

I was all in for the end of the month. But fuck that. The weekend you are gone. He treated you APPALLING again and lied again straight to both his parents. He has NO respect for you. Do you not see this yet? You are a worthless piece of shit in his eyes.

I would think about burning the cheque. But I would keep it along with the letter to show who I need it to.

He put himself in this situation, and just as you have always done you are still enabling the abuser. Where was your grandchild's 3-month warning when daddy decided it was time to, what? 'Man up'?

Have you asked him yet and listened to his pathetic reasons. Maybe you should, that might wake you up. Let him sit there and explain everything single detail from every single time he raised his hand. Then you might see the truth about your 'sweet little boy'.

I am not sure why people are happy that she is continuing to enable him. 3 months. Come on. 4 months time he will still be there, and yet another pathetic reason.

I think a written notice period is fair. Your son has something to work towards then in regards to a time frame. Also putting it in writing means he has an eviction letter to show the council.

Ffswhatnext is spot on.

A person doesn't turn into an abuser one day to the other.

You have been blind and in denial to your son's behaviour your whole life, why change now?

If you come back here in 4 months, your abusive son will be still living with you.

Please leave dil alone. Do not send money, letter, nothing. Let her move on and heal.

Or

Kick your son out today and write a sincere apology to your dil. Now the ball is on her court and she will reach out if she believes you, forgives you and needs you.

Why should he be helped to get council housing?

He has a business, he's avoiding paying tax or paying child support.

Why should this person get a helped to get a place when there are people who are in actual need. Who doesn't have a business, or mommy to help them out? He has the means to support himself. He just needs to cook the books to benefit him once again. Hence 3 months.

I actually find that telling. Looks like op has done her homework. He needs 3 months to cook his books once again.

@ffswhatnext is bang on! Your son is trash and you are enabling him yet again.

Your poor DIL and the kids deserve better than all of you.

I think if he declared himself homeless he'd get put up in a single room somewhere.

If those harsh words (and I wanted to say more, but don't want it pulling) hurt you.
Remember this, that pain is nothing compared to the hurt he has caused to at least 3 people you are aware of. And one of those is his child, your grandson.

But hey, also long as your 'golden boy' gets what he wants, nothing else matters.

Am I the only one who is facepalming here?

No Hithere2 you're not. Countless sensible suggestions as to what OP could do have been made upthread, but despite being treated very gently the DS continues to lie and storm out and the response is "what can I do?"

As ffswhatnext said, he'll still be there in months to come with little or nothing done towards mending his own situation and absolutely no consequences

I do expect this thread to disappear for 'privacy' reasons.

Am I the only one who is facepalming here

Try slamming head against the wall here.

I know sometimes I come across as angry on threads, but I'm not usually.
This one. Hands up. Has got to me.

Op what to do next?
Start telling your mates. Why not? Nothing to be ashamed about right? So what's the deal.
They ask how he is tell them.
Tell the you have given him 'notice' and why. See what they say.

@PrettyPurse I volunteer with homeless men and they are the lowest on the priority list. He won't get housed just like that, there are lengthy assessment processes.

That's why I always say kicking people out should be a last resort. Him being on the streets won't help him to better his life, it could make things ten times worse.

What's the point in this thread?

The first 50 or so posts are all saying 'chuck him out' (rightfully so) loud and clear and then op responds asking what to do and whether she thinks it's a good idea to ask him to leave.

Nothing meaningful is going to come of this thread yet the replies with useful suggestions keep flooding in. Op won't listen.

Why don't we all just stop commenting and stop giving op the attention she clearly craves? It's not even as if this is her first thread on the whole thing.