My adult son lied to me. Now what?

[tumblelord]

Following on from my previous thread. I recently found out that my 38 year old son has been lying to me for years. He has a DS5 and DD2 and has been going through court to see them. He said that he hadn't been allowed to have contact with the children because his ex had made up lies about him. It seems that they weren't lies.

He was aggressive and threatening to his ex when she was pregnant. He isn't allowed to see DGD because she's seen as vulnerable due to her age. He is now allowed contact with DGS but DGS refuses to go with him. He smashed up a contact centre, made malicious reports to social services and spend hours parked near his ex's house to intimidate her.

He has been living with me since his relationship ended but I can't face being in the house with him at the moment. I only found out on Saturday when I was cleaning his room and found a court bundle. I can't kick him out because he only earns a small amount and doesn't have the income or paperwork to rent somewhere. I don't know what to do. I have no relationship with my grandchildren because I love and trusted my son. I feel such a fool.

Also you say you never saw signs, but when you had the conversation with him, didn’t he tell & storm off in a tantrum like a child? Is that not ugly behaviour, manipulative too as it was a distraction from the actual issue at hand.

Tell me this isn’t the first time you’ve seen him tantrum. I don’t believe for one second you had no idea he didn’t have form for not being this nice trustworthy person you claim. From the last post wasn’t your DIL begging you to stop enabling this abuser? You knew. This thread is a waste of time, just wanted to call you on your lies.

OK.

what the fuck was the point of all that prawn?

BEEF!

I agree with prawn

A person just doesn't turn into an abuser one day to the other, out of the blue.
There are warning signs that are ignored or excused.

We all love our child , but they need to become adults .

Op it is really hard to know if you’re lying to yourself or if you genuinely didn’t observe any warning signs.

I wrote briefly about my experience of abuse from my brother. Were he to be violent to his wife and / or child, my mother would also have the same reaction as you. Despite all evidence to the contrary, she has created a narrative that I bullied him growing up. This is to justify her allowing him to abuse me. She’s a narcissist and he’s the golden child btw.

I’m not accusing you of being a narcissist. But it is clear that you have not expected your son to be an adult neither do you treat him as an adult. You have also turned a blind eye as he refuses to provide for his children and hides his income. Moreover, you also have admitted to putting your son before his children and grandchildren.

In the nicest possible way, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if you ignored many red flags. And if you actually want something to change, you really need to take on board what so many of us are telling you. And that it is not your job to help him out of this mess. Time to cut the apron strings.

It's commendable that you are doing something OP. I hope you take on board what everyone is saying.

Just caught up on this. What a completely disappointing resolution. Three months notice is laughable and frankly embarrassing.

That poor mum and those kids. Likely having a tough Christmas where she's had to scrimp, save and likely borrow to afford presents, food, etc. And then there's OPs son, sitting in his nice warm house with his parents who won't acknowledge what a waste of oxygen he is, giving him presents and a lovingly prepared dinner. I'm sure OP will be in giving his room a tidy and fresh sheets for the big day as well.

See all this utter BS about 'small steps'? It's just excuses, isn't it? You don't want to accept that you messed up (by not believing her). You don't want to admit your son is a disgusting human being. You want to pretend your little family unit is perfect. You want to continue the narrative that his ex is a horrible bitch who won't let him see his kids and he's doing so much fighting to see them.

You are doing those kids a massive disservice. Stop talking about your feelings. Honestly, your feelings are irrelevant in this. The only people's feelings who matter, are the kids and their mum. I can't imagine how scared she was when he laid his hands on her. How scared the kids were when he tore up rooms in a rage. It doesn't bear thinking about. But here you are, thinking about yourself and your feelings and how you 'can't believe it'.

Stop being self centred. Kick him out. Apologise to the mother and expect nothing from her. Prove to her over years that you are worth being in those kids lives. Stop thinking about yourself. Those poor kids will grow up wondering why they weren't good enough for daddy. Why their daddy didn't love their mummy. Why their daddy hurt them and their mummy. They'll not receive gifts on Christmas and birthdays. They'll struggle. Their mum will have to say no to school trips, hobbies, birthday parties- all because their dad won't provide for them.

You'd get respect from me if you came on here saying 'I feel so awful I didn't believe her. Those kids deserve better. How can I make it right? I'll do anything for them". But, alas, no.

I'm not sorry this is harsh. You'll maybe read this- but you'll ignore it. You'll continue to think 'my poor boy'. You'll never kick him out. You'll never see your GC. You'll defend him no matter what mess he gets into, and you'll bail him out. He'll manipulate you to get what he wants. And you'll sit back and let him do it. All you've said on this post are empty promises.

Those poor, poor kids. Their poor mum.

@prawnsword

People might not like what you've had to say, but you've spoken nothing but the truth. Respect for putting your views out there.

Yes it's good you're taking action.

I think you're getting quite harsh replies because what your son has done is criminal, but because the law isn't going to punish him he's getting away with his behaviour.
On top of that he has a dedicated mother trying to sort out all his mess for him when the people who should be getting your help (2 small innocent children) may be struggling.

I think you should make it clear that any money you send her is with no strings attached and unless it's a very large amount indeed, probably no way near what she should have received from your son had he not deliberately gone self employed/ low income.

So please don't expect any gratitude or thanks from her either for that reason.

@tumblelord - how are you? Have you managed to speak to your DS again?

Has you son come back to the house yet?

If not I would text him and say he’s got 48 hours to get his stuff out otherwise you will bag it up and dump it on your front lawn.

If he has come back I would be very careful. He will think he can guilt trip and manipulate you into staying as it is much easier for you to pay to keep him than for him to pay to keep himself. Until he leaves he won’t bother to work harder and earn more money. He worked full time before he left his ex. There is no reason why he can’t work FR now.

Op I think your right to apologize to the ex your handling a hard situation the best way you can

You are too entrenched. In your enabling of your son to do the right thing in your own lifetime but I hope you quietly will everything to your grandchildren. That would be a good outcome.