My adult son lied to me. Now what?

[tumblelord]

Following on from my previous thread. I recently found out that my 38 year old son has been lying to me for years. He has a DS5 and DD2 and has been going through court to see them. He said that he hadn't been allowed to have contact with the children because his ex had made up lies about him. It seems that they weren't lies.

He was aggressive and threatening to his ex when she was pregnant. He isn't allowed to see DGD because she's seen as vulnerable due to her age. He is now allowed contact with DGS but DGS refuses to go with him. He smashed up a contact centre, made malicious reports to social services and spend hours parked near his ex's house to intimidate her.

He has been living with me since his relationship ended but I can't face being in the house with him at the moment. I only found out on Saturday when I was cleaning his room and found a court bundle. I can't kick him out because he only earns a small amount and doesn't have the income or paperwork to rent somewhere. I don't know what to do. I have no relationship with my grandchildren because I love and trusted my son. I feel such a fool.

At his age, you don't need to feel that you must provide him with shelter. Maybe if he was forced to fend for himself he'd shape up.

Given his behaviour at the the Contact Centre, are you afraid of him? Has he ever been aggressive to you in any way? Do you feel that you 'tiptoe' around him?

Give him a week's notice to move out.

He made his bed - time to lie in it sunshine. He can get a second job to pay his way.

And stop treating him like he's a child - if he's grown up enough to act like a prick, he's old enough to deal with the ramifications.

I can't kick him out because he only earns a small amount and doesn't have the income or paperwork to rent somewhere

That's his fault, OP, and not your problem. He's 38, for God's sake. Kick him out.

Sorry this has happened to you, OP. It must be a horrible shock. Take care of yourself.

People you need to read the OP’s first thread.

You are so hellbent on covering up for your son’s abusive behaviour that you will even start a new thread to avoid having to discuss the nature of your son’s lies. He is the way he is because of your enabling, permissive attitude & wrapping him in cotton wool. Cleaning his room at 38, seriously cut the apron strings & kick him out. But then he won’t be there to coddle over will he....your weak attitude breeds abusers. You keep making excuse after excuse.

There was no need for a new thread. You are just being intentionally evasisive to avoid facing the truth of who your son really is

Here is the link to the first thread

I'm ashamed of my adult DS!!! www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3692940-Im-ashamed-of-my-adult-DS

OP you still haven't explained your ex DIL's question. Why do you enable him? What is it that you want? You say you "can't" kick him out it is because you won't.

You will have no relationship with your grandchildren due to you being unable to face up to reality and making amends.

Be honest OP by 'cleaning his room' do you actually mean it wasn't sitting right with you what he was saying, so you went looking? Under the circumstances I don't think there's anything wrong with that as he's obviously got violent tendencies and he's living under your roof. However, I do think you're now potentially in a vulnerable situation yourself if you confront him and it all becomes exposed. Yes, he's your son and you love him (we can still love a person whose done terrible things - doesn't mean we have to support or like them though). I think you need to encourage him to move out of your home and not let him take advantage any further. As for the DGC there is no such thing as grandparents rights, and that's a conversation to have with ex-DIL once he's moved out.

I was about to give you sympathy until I read your previous thread

Behaved unpleasantly?!!

He assaulted his partner, the mother of his children and a small toddler!!!

It was unpleasant, it was down right abuse.

Why are you downplaying it?
Why are you enabling it?
Why are you making excuses to not kick the bastard out?

When you do boot him out, be sure to alert his ex as she and her DC may be in danger from him.

Does she have a no contact order against him?

OP reading both threads it's obvious that your son has chosen to live with you and have casual jobs so that he does not have to pay child maintenance.

He is using you to financially deprive your grandchildren.

Does he pay you rent or other expenses? Maybe send that money straight to the ex dil with a huge mea culpa

Also don't let him gaslight you any further with his 'stories of woe'. You know who is and what he's capable of (as a parent that's a pretty bitter pill, and you can't take responsibility for his violent actions). You already know what you need to do here OP.

. It has been on my mind that if he does end up with overnight access (unlikely at the moment) that will mean us having the children for the forseeable. I wouldn't mind in the short term but I selfishly feel that I don't want that at my time of life in the long term

So you want a relationship with your grandchildren- but already you are putting limits on that relationship. No sleepovers ! Sorry but any sympathy I had, evaporated when I read that.

Bullshit that you can't kick him out. Of course you can, but you're still choosing to dismiss his horrific behaviour.

You "don't know what to do"?

What you can, and should, do is to say to your son 'you must leave my house now and I don't care if you have to live on the streets because until you get a job, pay maintenance for your dc, and complete an anger management course, you are no son of mine'.

You could add 'I didn't raise you to be a violent thug and until you've cleaned up your act I don't wish to have anything further to do with you'.

It's called 'tough love' and it's a great shame that you didn't subject him to it a lot earlier.

However, I very much doubt you will do anything other than vacillate, whimper, whinge, and carry on enabling the abusive arsewipe that you should rightly be ashamed to call your son.

Oh wow. The other thread.

So why are you enabling him?

And with the allegations made against him with regards to the eldest, he was given overnight unsupervised. Wow.

I am so grateful that the judge considered the child and point-blank refused unsupervised contact when I went through very similar years ago.

Tell him to get the fuck out. You don't want to live under the same roof as someone who attacks any female or child.

He should have thought about where he would live before he laid his hand on either of them. Shouldn't be running home for mummy to look after himself. Living at home, aged 38 and has mummy cleaning his room. That alone would shame me.

And if has been able to spend 14k on legal fees, which will now end considering he has got what he wants. He can use that money to fund himself. He's a miserable excuse of a man.

You know you need to kick him out. He can't do this gardening nonsense. He needs a real job.

You sound like my mother OP. She enables and colludes with my brother so he can live as a man child. It is very unhealthy and bad for him. He is now a nasty selfish person and she has helped create this. All because she cannot bring herself to care about anything except her relationship with her son. I feel desperately sorry for your grandchildren and your daughter in law. People like you and your son cause so much hurt

@Shippingnews post 😳 No, just no! I'm not much older than your son OP, and my DGC is so important to me. My own DM is disabled and nearing 80 (she still wants vehemently to 'babysit', and be very much an active part of DGCC's life and well-being. There's zero 'well I'm getting on a bit so can't be arsed'. In fairness it sounds like your son won't be getting within a country mile of his children any time soon (with good reason). But to feel its too much of a chore to spend relatively the minimum amount of time with them if it was different circumstances? Is that because if your son did have contact you think he'd be buggering off constantly? I don't think you need to worry about being overloaded with childcare responsibilities any time soon tbh.

I know a lawyer, who spent 80k to get her violent ex out of her kids lives. Her son was also granted access. He also refused to attend and his mother then had to spend tens of thousands more until she finally got a court ruling to get him out of their lives for good.

Your son isn’t going to stop. By keeping him under your roof, you are:

1. enabling him to continue to abuse his ex and your grandchildren because he can use his income to support his court cases instead of supporting himself.
2. enabling him to live with limited means and thus not pay decent maintenance.
3. colluding to impoverish his ex.
4. colluding in forcing your ex dil to spend tens of thousands of pounds to keep her children safe.
5. colluding to force your ex dil to work in a what is very likely a demanding job, possibly with long hours simply to feed and house your grandchildren and fight your son in court.
6. helping to ensure your grandchildren’s lives cannot be enriched with after school activities, outings and holidays.

So what now? That’s the question you asked. You cannot help him get out of this rut to answer your question from the last thread. He doesn’t want to be helped. He’s happy where he is. You cannot change his behaviour. Only your own.

If you truly want to see your gcs and help your ex dil, you will kick him out. You said on the other thread he has plenty of friends. He can sofa surf until he wakes up and gets a proper job.

If you really want to show commitment to this abused woman and her children, you could help fund a your ex dils court case against your son. You’ll be making a saving by no longer having your son under your roof.

Personally I'd be contacting the mum and asking if I could spend time getting to know your GC - start building your own relationships independently even if that's by visiting whilst mum is there. Tell her how you feel about your son

Your son needs to get a better job and move out, I'd tell him you're ashamed too - he needs to buck his ideas up - a lot

Is this really such a shock?

How did you raise your son? Why is he abusive to his wife and children?

From previous posts you have enabled this behaviour and you have a part to play for this cycle of abuse. Hopefully SS will keep you and your son away from those children and they can be raised in a healthy environment.

I do wonder if anyone on this thread would really abandon their own son as this thread advises. Fund the court case against him

btw, my mother PUT HER OWN son into prison (for theft). So don't accuse me or mine of being soft. But don't pretend it's easy, either.

But silly me... ... MNers are perfect (except not OP). They would never raise a son who fucked up so much. They might as adults easily choose an abusive partner & stick with him for yrs & pretend it's all happy families while their children suffer, for which they deserve only sympathy not to take responsibility for that bad choice.... yet they can only raise perfect offspring. Pah. Deluded projecting their need to find villains.

Perhaps talk to him. Tell him what you found. Make getting proper help a condition of staying. Would you be prepared to go to counselling with him too?

Whatever you do, do not do what my ExMIL did.

She found out in a similar way.

She kicked him out.

Came crying to me on my doorstep, begging forgiveness.

I allowed her to see DD at my house, once a week for a few hours.

Two months later, ExH showed up at her house full of apologises. She let him move back in and cut contact with me and DD, with no warning. She never even so much as text me to tell me.

Why are you so cool about all of this op? Your son is an abusive bully and you’re enabling it.

Id be utterly appalled and my son would be straight out of my house without question if he did this.
I’d probably give the mother a large sum of money to cover her legal fees because I’d feel to blame.

But here Is you, still trying to protect your bully of a son.
He is disgusting and your behaviour is equally just as bad for what you’ve enabled him to continue with.

I understand that you have had a big shock as you have been ignoring what previous evidence has said about your son up until now where you have reached a point where what you have found means you have to confront the truth.

What you do now will shape the future of a number of people and when you look back this is one of those defining moments in your life so you need to make sure you get this right.

What do you think you should do at this point? You owe an explanation to his ex partner as to why do you enable this behaviour, what is your answer to this?