My adult son lied to me. Now what?

[tumblelord]

Following on from my previous thread. I recently found out that my 38 year old son has been lying to me for years. He has a DS5 and DD2 and has been going through court to see them. He said that he hadn't been allowed to have contact with the children because his ex had made up lies about him. It seems that they weren't lies.

He was aggressive and threatening to his ex when she was pregnant. He isn't allowed to see DGD because she's seen as vulnerable due to her age. He is now allowed contact with DGS but DGS refuses to go with him. He smashed up a contact centre, made malicious reports to social services and spend hours parked near his ex's house to intimidate her.

He has been living with me since his relationship ended but I can't face being in the house with him at the moment. I only found out on Saturday when I was cleaning his room and found a court bundle. I can't kick him out because he only earns a small amount and doesn't have the income or paperwork to rent somewhere. I don't know what to do. I have no relationship with my grandchildren because I love and trusted my son. I feel such a fool.

@lljkk her son is 38. He is responsible and can fend for himself. She needs to think of her grandchildren's best interest now.

I remember reading the original post. Your son took a gardening job so he could take cash in hand and not declare it.

YOU WERE ALREADY TOLD ABOUT THIS.

And you say you’re just finding about it now due to reading court papers you found in his room. Read your previous thread. It’s all there.

I'm sorry if I seem like I'm being flippant or downplaying any of this. I don't mean to, I just don't know the right words to say. I have always defended my son because I always believed him. I have never seen the side of him that is described in that paperwork. I is still unbelievable to me, yet I know it must be true.

I haven't spoken to my DH about it yet. DH doesn't doubt his story but is less involved in it all as he works away half of the week. He despairs of our son anyway because he thinks he's wasting his life so I'm not sure what he will think of all of this. No violence here, our kids have hardly ever seen us even argue.

I don't know what to do practically. I now know he doesn't declare his full income to HMRC so wouldn't have paperwork to rent somewhere. Do I give him a deadline to get a job and find somewhere to live?

Have you told your DS you know the truth about what was really going on?

It’s easy for others to judge but they are not in your situation OP.

He is your son so it’s pretty hard to disown him and kick him out.

I think you need to sit down and tell him to sort his shit out, he needs to find a decent job and pay for his kids (no tax dodging), he needs to get help for his anger issues and he needs to admit that he has been abusive towards the mother of his dc. He needs to grow up.

I hadnt read the other thread when i wrote my first answer. OP, it is a horrible shock to find out that your own son is a woman-beater and worse, an abuser of children. I could not have such a person living under my roof, own child or not. When you have got over your shock, get angry.

Have your DH with you for support. Give your son a deadline to move out - for example say he must move out by the 30th November. Tell him you saw his court bundle, and you will not have him in your home. Then STOP TALKING. If he gets abusive or violent towards you, call the police and have him removed.

I think you need to talk to your DH first and fill him in. Then have a sit down adult discussion with your son about the following
1- his behaviour and how they (don't) align to your values
2- that you and DH want to see the grandchildren and will be working with his ExW (if she can allow that or trust you now) to rebuild that relationship after all these years of lies
3- you believe her.
4-next steps- how can you support him to move on with his life, how soon can he move out and move on
5-make it crystal clear his behaviour (both violent and lying to his own parents) is completely unacceptable and will not be tolerated in this house.

See where that gets you. United parenting front. Clear goals from the discussion. Clear outcomes.

Are you scared of him OP?

I suspect your son may not have learnt boundaries or to respect women because you have been so easy on him, perhaps a little tough love would have gone a long way to helping him to understand it is not okay to abuse others, and to take away his safety net means that he faces up to the consequences of his actions. If you do not allow this to happen, even as he hits nearly forty years of age you are setting him up to fail in life in general.

You are keeping secrets from your dh, tell him exactly what has happened to your DIL, why are you still covering for him in this way? He is not a child op.

Then write a letter to your DIL and tell you know everything, and how sorry you are that this has happened to her and the children. You owe her an acknowledgement at the very least.

I would ask him to leave, I would give him to the first of January to find a proper job so he can support his children, and somewhere else to live. He can not keep sponging from you, you are not helping him op.

What happens when you die? And he has not mummy safety net. It is time to be firm, tell him how upset heartbroken you are learning of the truth, enough is truly enough, and encourage him to book an anger management course. It is imperative that he is able to pull himself together now.

You have done a huge disservice to your grandchildren choosing to support your abusive son over them. Really. The only support you should have been offering is to them. How truly horrific for those children to suffer like that.

Put it right, and make sure from now on you do not allow this violent man to continue to hurt others by making his life so easy he can continue to pile his energy into stalking and scaring his own children.

Op, ignore the posters who are focused on 'enabling'; given that a lot of MNer's understand domestic violence dynamics and that abusers can also be charmers etc its unfair that you're getting these comments. You are not to blame for your son's actions and he has convinced you of his side of the story for a long time.

On a very practical note, your son will likely be able to get a houseshare. Some of these will be designed for tenants on low incomes - I used to help people on benefits get them and there are some landlords (not many, but some) would have low quality housing stock where the whole property was furnished rooms available to rent at a price akin to what housing benefit would pay). Though it sounds like your son has been minimising his income and might be able to get more work if he needed to.

If you feel safe enough to do so, you could give him a deadline to go (that you stick to) so that he has time to set this up. The council won't house him, but depending on the area that you're in, if he goes and explains that he's about to become homeless they may signpost him to landlords. If not, it's a case of looking online, gumtree etc, and asking around.

Ultimately though if you're worried about his reaction then you need to have someone else with you when you tell him, for him to leave immediately and he'll have to find a friend's sofa to crash on.

To answer your question about giving your son a deadline OP.
WHY are you still trying to protect a man who didn’t even protect his pregnant partner and child?

Please stop asking ridiculous questions and get him out of your house.

He wont be sleeping in a doorway. He has friends, he is a very plausible liar, he can just tell his friends whatever load of old tosh he likes, and crash in their spare rooms for a bit.

Maybe just maybe he is ashamed of his actions OP and didnt want to disappoint you ? thats me looking for a bright side and trying not to give a traditional mumsnet bashing to you....however maybe he is also not the man you thought he was and he has severe issues to be tackled. However anger is not going to tackle this...talking things through and getting him to communicate is the sensible way forward.As is a deep and meaningful apology to your ex daughter in law and the children she has been left to raise single handedly with no support be it emotional or financial from your son. Your thoughts rightly should be with her and the children.

Kick him out. Tell him to be responsible & support himself & his DC financially.

Tell him to get treatment for being an abuser & to stop abusing/punishing his ex with legal battles

Write to the ex, tell her you are sorry for not believing her. Ask her for nothing, you don't deserve her forgiveness or a relationship with then

Posters are being very hard. Wouldn't it be better for OP to work with he son so that he can become a better person - counselling for anger management etc, plan to get a better job. Throwing him out might end up with him spiralling downwards. There is more than one side to every story. However if he became abusive at OPs home, he would have to leave.

If he declared his income properly and didn't avoid child maintenance then he'd be able to rent somewhere wouldn't he?
Seemingly he's a total manchild abusive entitled wanker and you are absolutely enabling him. Stop trying to solve his problems for him, he's almost 40!

Posters are being very hard. Wouldn't it be better for OP to work with he son so that he can become a better person - counselling for anger management etc, plan to get a better job. Throwing him out might end up with him spiralling downwards. There is more than one side to every story. However if he became abusive at OPs home, he would have to leave.

A) they can't start parenting him at 38
B) if he 'spirals downwards' that's on him, not on his parents
C) there aren't two sides to domestic and child abuse
D) just because someone isn't abusive to you directly should you overlook when they are abusive to their partner and children?

I think his best chance of turning his life around is making him take responsibility for his choices. Continuing to enable him will not help him in the slightest because it will teach him that everything is someone else's problem to deal with and all he has to think about is himself and his selfish needs and wants.

Explain to him that you don't want to hear any more lies or promises. Actions are what counts. He has to get a decent job, place to live and start taking responsibility for himself and his children. You don't want to become aware of any more malicious court cases, staking or violent behaviour.

I love my children but I would never support them in being an abusive ex or a feckless parent.

Posters are being very hard. Wouldn't it be better for OP to work with he son so that he can become a better person

I am assuming op has been doing that for 38 years and look where it has ended up. He is not a better person is he, and never likely to be all the while he is being shielded by his mother from the consequences of his actions.

Has anyone actually asked on here why you would be reading your adult childs post? I was embarased my my DS (he went to prison, nothing iolent) it WASNT how he was brought up, and I was very shocked when he was arrested. Adult children DO lie to their parents, (as do adult friends) It is incredibly hard to throw out a child.I do not condone violence to others, (my ex H was violent)I have thrown out an adult child, who went from bad to worse. Then some years later desided to (sort of) turn things around, tough love, its horrible. Mine needed to "borrow" money for petrol, tampons, wondered if it was going on drugs in the end, so gave tampons, took car to local petrol station put it in myself.

It's very easy to say "kick him out" but you cannot just stop loving your children, you can't turn that on and off like a switch.

Talk to your DH about the situation first.

Then together you both need to have a serious talk with your DS about the situation. Yes, give him a deadline to find a job and start sorting his life out. Do not give him any financial support regarding the courts, he doesn't deserve to see his children at present unless he can go to therapy for his issues, provide for them financially and make a real change in his life. He needs to leave his ex alone and stop causing stress in her life right now. If he genuinely wants a relationship with them then he will jump through hoops to make it happen.

If he refuses do this, THEN ask him to leave. You will soon see if he really wants to make a change.

Get on the phone to your DIL and grovel. She may not want to listen to you and if so then you must accept that.

you can't stop loving your children

Yes of course not but sometimes the tough thing is the kindest thing in the long run. It's not about abandoning him but part of our job as parents is to support our children into becoming independent, functioning, productive human beings. This means at times letting them struggle to make their own way. The OPs son is not a vulnerable teen, he's definitely an adult and a parent. By all means provide moral support from the sidelines but treating him like a baby won't help him in the long run.

I'm genuinely perplexed at the number of people suggesting that giving the son a deadline to move, or some help to move, is about being soft on him - really it's for the OPs benefit - IF it is safe to do so. Doing this in a calm and planned way means less chance of repercussions on the OP, more chance he will actually get somewhere to stay instead of sofa surfing, and less chance he'll be knocking on the door in two weeks time saying he's run out of sofa's to stay on. None of which SHOULD be the OPs problem, but in reality it would be more difficult and unhappy situations to deal with.
Ducks in a row, if it's safe. It might not be as dramatic as some MNers would want, but this is the OPs life.

He's an abusive scumbag who's nearly 40. Kick him out and stop pandering to him! Of course he lied. Of course he has a rubbish job and won't be adequately providing for his children. Of course he smashed up the centre- it's all about him. And you're sitting there cleaning his room?

I understand you're having a tough time but you need to catch yourself on. He's a horrible person and you're enabling him. He will never get better if you keep jumping in and running after him. Also, what you're going through is nothing compared to his ex and kids.

Kick him out and message his ex to apologise profusely for enabling him. Ask if you may have a relationship with your grandchildren without his involvement. Respect her if she says no. This is on him.

Don't kick your son out even though he's a grown man, there's no support for single men who live on the streets and you love him he's your son.

I'd have a sit down convo with him to find out his side of the story and try to find out why he had been acting that way. Communication is key everyone makes mistakes I'm sure he loves his children just be there for him he's your son.

I'm not saying his behaviour is right and of course he's lied to you he doesn't want to tell his mum who adores him that he's aggressive and violent he doesn't want to loose you or let you down. I'd confront him like I said above and just find out from him where it all went wrong.

@MidnightMystery why would he be on the streets? he has a job, he's able bodied and able to work. He needs to do what adults do and get his own place to live.