Break up support thread 4

[herbsmokedchicken]

Sigh.!

@jonsnowsghost I think you are likely to be right about his social media patterns, it's very likely the gloss of the new relationship has worn off and hes seeing the reality and getting bored. I agree that's good! I dont judge you for looking on social media, I think its harmless unless it's an hourly thing!

I dont know what to do tbh. Logic tells me that if he loved me 'enough' he wouldn't have gone. But my irrational heart still wants him and we had such a good time together. I know my heart would love him to announce hes split up and wants to be with me. All I can do is wait and see and keep moving on and up with my life, he knows I would love him to be with me, I pretty much told him that the other day the only upside is I didnt cry or beg

@PuffinSock I will just have to sit and bide my time...I still dont think he's likely to contact me but who knows! Exactly the same as you, I will keep moving on with my life and see what happens I suppose 🤷🏻‍♀️

You're in such a crazy situation! It must be hard as you know that he's a cheat, but you love him and want to be with him, a bit like me really 😅 but I also wouldn't be at crying and begging either. He does seem a bit of an idiot though if he's jumping between the both of you but I suppose you could always give it another go (if he came back) and just see where it takes you :)

@jonsnowsghost I get the feeling your ex will contact you at some stage. If he had no interest he wouldn't have looked at your social media. If you wanted to then I think it wouldn't be wrong to contact him after all this time, but maybe you think that's not a good idea?

Thank you for being kind. I do feel weak for sleeping with him, I suppose it probably happens quite often after people have stopped seeing each other. I suppose also that after not chasing him or contacting him for so long he cant see me as desperate, he knows though that I'd like to be with him. Time to take a step back again I suppose and see how time goes.

@PuffinSock maybe I will, but not yet. I kind of want to tell him how I've improved and changed and apologise for being a bit shit but I shouldn't really!

No judgement from me, I spent 3 years sleeping with an ex after we broke up 😅 (do NOT do this, turns out it was the source of all my problems!! Ha ha) it's difficult and I think you're right about the no contact, he misses you and wants you to be talking to him again. I guess if you wanted to be with him again you could but just approach with caution!

@jonsnowsghost I think your social media posts will also help yo paint a picture to your ex that you're making positive changes and are happy, which will be attractive to him!

How did you end up sleeping together for 3 years post breakup? Were you hoping to get back together or just a convenient FWB? God it's hard to navigate all this, head saying one thing and heart another!

@PuffinSock yes maybe, I don't post much but he will see that i am looking better in the ones i do, unless it has the opposite affect and he thinks that I've been out with people so wouldn't contact!

It's complicated but I was hoping we'd get back together, he was convenience FWB! This is why I was so determined to be NC with this ex as it worked so badly with that ex as we spoke constantly and it just happened, but it ended up that i was ruining myself by doing it! We're friends now but rarely speak (he's married now) just the odd message here and there. What a waste of three years though!

@jonsnowsghost I think he shouldn't be put off if he thinks you're dating, if anything I think that makes them more keen...

I can see how you would end up FWB. I did that with an ex a long time ago, I agree it's a waste of your time as they will happily have sex and it's not going to change their mind if they didnt want a relationship, it just gives false hope

@jonsnowsghost I think he shouldn't be put off if he thinks you're dating, if anything I think that makes them more keen...

I can see how you would end up FWB. I did that with an ex a long time ago, I agree it's a waste of your time as they will happily have sex and it's not going to change their mind if they didnt want a relationship, it just gives false hope

@PuffinSock absolutely it gave false hope! Which was why it was so damaging each time I would be knocked back again, then he would ask me to stay again a few weeks later 🤦🏼‍♀️ I was young and a bit of a mug, but I'm well on the way to fixing all the issues that caused!

Ah maybe it will, maybe it won't! I'll just have to keep working on myself and see what happens :)

Ugh so I follow one of his co workers on insta as we met a few times, his story was first in my list so clicked on it - was A, they’d been out for a goodbye meal. He looked so gorgeous. Jolt to the heart.

Jonsnow, you have come so far, and you are doing amazing, please dont consider contacting him, you deserve so much better.

Aww Herb that's hard, I dont know what else to say.

Yeah was horrible! But after Friday, this soon to be ex co-worker is no more likely to ever see him again than I am so hopefully won’t happen again!

@herbsmokedchicken that's so hard, sometimes seeing them on social media helps, but not when they are looking good! I hope it feels better once hes gone.

@Jonsnowsghost yeah I think I had similar when I was younger, a guy I dated and adored, he liked me but not enough, he kept me on a string though similar to yours, the contact, meeting then ending up sleeping together, me hoping for a relationship but for him it must have been a great FWB...

I'm going to get stuck into dating, I need some fun and attractive distraction from the unrequited love.

Today I’ve felt the best I have done since he left nearly 2 weeks ago. I woke up today with the realisation that it was not my fault - I can not control what decisions others make nor does it mean it’s anything to do with me - he left because he didn’t want more kids. I was willing to work on it and I would of chosen him over children but that’s his decision. He said I ticked all his boxes so at the end of the day it’s his loss, he now runs the risk of ending up with someone who only ticks half the boxes - but that was his decision. I feel strong today!

Yeah @PuffinSock gave me a jolt! It’s like when I saw him a couple of months ago for our last ever spin, I was hoping maybe I’d see him and think oh you know what, he ain’t all that but sadly he is indeed all that. He’s not even handsome by most standards (I never said that to him obvs it’s just a fact) but to me he is just well fit, innit.

Good idea to get into dating! You gonna do the apps or do you live somewhere with more options?

apparently great to read that you’re feeling good! Yes he has made his choice, it’s very sad that it’s not the choice you would have made but there we go. Same with me, I’m still not convinced mine will find someone like me but if he felt leaving me was the right thing to do, I have to accept it.
The bastard.

@Apparentlyacatch that's great news! It can be very up and down, but great that you know it's not your fault (it definitely isnt!) and it's his mistake/risk that hes thrown that away!

@herbsmokedchicken it's so hard isnt it! I know exactly what you mean, I hoped when I saw him it would take away my rose tinted glasses, but actually we got on so well and had such a great time that it's made me miss him again. Lesson learned. I'm not sure whether I should tell him if/when he contacts me again that I csnt see him again as I need to move on? Or whether to just block? He was very happy to see me stayed as long as possible etc and we parted on good terms so I think it's very likely he will want to do again in a few weeks...whilst also having a girlfriend. Talk about cake and eating it.

Yeah it might be a good idea to say you can’t see him again! When we first split, A and u were all “oh but eventually we can still hang out” but I can see now it would been an awful idea, would have been torture for me.

herbsmokedchicken ‘that bastard’ made me laugh! It’s deffo not the choice I would of liked but what can I do?! Other than go oh well, I loved him but need to move on and find someone who would choose me!
I still haven’t got rid of him on social media as I’m. It ready for that - I just keep thinking why hasn’t he deleted me?? He barely posts anything to be fair so nothing worth snooping on

Ah yeah I’m the same, haven’t deleted him, can’t do it! I’m wondering if he will delete me when he moves away...I’d like to think once he’s gone and the potential for irl contact is gone, we might be able to be friends again. Who knows. I’m not ready to cut that tie.

Oh! But I do keep meaning to tell you guys about a little breakthrough I had! Valentine’s Day he bought me roses, was just going to chuck them but mum suggested preserving one. Cheesy, I know, but I did it and the dried rose has been in a vase in my room ever since. Last week I looked up at it and thought, fuck that. Took it out, snapped it, put it in the bin. Still keeping cards and stuff for now cos that’s just the type of person I am, but the rose is gone. Kind of thing I couldn’t bring myself to get rid of just in case, so guess it’s finally sinking in.

Yes thank you. I'm not going to give up on my wife. I've done nothing but think about her since disneyland. She might hate me for it but surely it shows I'm fighting for this marriage. My family are everything. The day she meets another man I'll let go. Hope your ok.

Regular family meal tomorrow and I think we are going to the pub around the corner from his house - really weird to think that that’s going to be the closest I ever am to him again.

hi, i need some support. i dont deserve it but i have nobody to talk to. i will get alot and i mean alot of hate from you all but i have read some of your messages. i really feel sorry for everyone. I hope everyone gets happy as soon as possible.

for me i was the cheater, i have messed up big time and i regret my actions so so much. i lost her and i want to say that the ladies that have men that left them for the OW they will not last as the grass is not greener. never is. give it a year at most and they will crash. they will know what they have lost in you i guarantee. They havent had time to grieve.

i cheated for a few weeks emotionally then physically. it lasted a few months at the most and i knew i was in the wrong and i got caught. OW said she loved me but i didnt her at all, it was for the attention i as seeking. absolutely stupid! i dont deserve sympathy. i am so ashamed of my actions as i have been selfish and on self destruct mode for a while. I love my DP & DS but i have not shown it at all. I am not expecting a reply to this due to the hate i will receive but i needed to write it down. i havent eaten for days, hardy slept from all the guilt. I have lost my home my world DP and DS. I have been in a downhill spiral since i lost my company last year. its no excuse for what ive done but i have asked to get some counselling which im waiting to hear back on. i hope i can move on but deep down i dont want to. i am just so depressed about it and i dont have anyone to talk to.

Be as brutal as you need to be, i deserve everything i get.

gp17 there is not point in us putting hate on you - you already know what you’ve done and have to live with that.

Has your wife said it’s the end completely?? Counselling sounds good as you sound lost in life and mistake me if I’m wrong a lot of people who cheat are like that - looking for something to make them feel alive?

Apparentlyacatch i understand but i know alot of people will hate what ive done.

We are not married but engaged. Yes completely ended. She cant live with me and needs to focus on our DS which i completely understand. Its only been a few days but I am back at my parents and that is a fair distance away from work and our home. We are still arguing on text but i am begging and begging for a last chance. I doubt it is helping but i cannot let go. We will still have to have contact for the DS because i cannot lose him. But its going to be so hard not to keep begging for a chance to prove i will never do anything like this again.
I wasnt even looking for anything at the time, i thought i was happy. Someone paid me some attention and i felt flattered as we had a young child and my DP had no time for me, i sound like a child and i know its so sad. I thought i was such a good dad and everyone said that as i helped with everything but i just wanted her to give me that attention i guess. now i am a really bad father and person. i hope the counselling comes quick as i need to really speak to someone. ive never felt this low in all my life even with past break ups.

Urgh just seen him tag her on a post on instagram, so they're still together and obviously still happy, don't know why it's made me so sad. Was obviously an in joke as well :(

GP17 I'm not going to say much as I know how much cheating hurts but you will have to give her some space. She will be hurting and needs some time to decide what to do.
My ex won't regret it, I think he's better off now and will never contact me again.