Break up support thread 4

[herbsmokedchicken]

Sigh.!

Also I know in the scheme of things this isn’t really the main issue but I can’t believe he carried on using my fucking Netflix. I feel so small and stupid. Genuinely wishing I’d never met him right now. I just wish I could know if that was the real reason we split or if it came after. I’ll never know tho and it probably wouldn’t make me feel better anyway. I just don’t even know how to feel.

I don’t know how to feel about him. Coz I don’t know when it happened! Did it happen in July and that’s why he dumped me? Did it happen in sept after I asked him to his face if he was getting married? Knew something was up when he got a house tbh I reckon that was part of it. A starter home for them. I don’t think he got that by himself

FUCK this is messing with my head so much!!

Still just feel so weirded out by it all, like I have moments of feeling upset and then I just feel numb. I don’t think our relationship was a lie, I think either he told me the truth about why we broke up and then the marriage stuff happened after, or perhaps his family pressured him into the marriage thing and then he realised he didn’t love me enough to fight for me, perhaps. Dunno. I’ll never know either.

At least I was savvy enough to have seen this coming for a while or I’d really be shocked! I’m going to allow myself a bit of time to wallow and wrap my head around it and then once again try to move on. I guess this might be the thing that kick starts my real healing? I know I’ve said it before but this really is the last little bit of hope gone now. It’s just so crazy! This time last year we were planning our holiday and our future and he was excited to introduce me to his friends, and now he’s married to someone else!

Haha the last few messages are just me ranting as more thoughts come to me! Still feel weird, like feel I don’t really care but keep checking to see if he’s online so clearly do care

I think I may be right in thinking his parents raised the idea of marriage and he realised he didn’t love me enough to fight for me, maybe not even in such clear terms but may have kick started it. Because I always found it bizarre how he so suddenly went from talking about our future to suddenly not in love with me, and it was when he’d just come back from 2 weeks at home for Ramadan. The first couple of weeks we were probably the most in love we’ve been and then I noticed cracks and I’m wondering if there was marriage discussion going on. They never knew about me.

And now he’s passed his religion on to me but no one is going to want their son to marry a white revert!

OMG herb, I am so sorry, sending you lots of hugs, you keep ranting on here on girl, get it all out, you know were all here for you.

I will write more later (on a coffee break) but I am here calling him all the twats under the sun :)

Thanks! I still feel so weird, I guess the lack of sleep isn’t helping! Does help that I have been expecting this but it’s so crazy. This time last year we were planning our holiday and were so in love and now he is literally married to someone else. I was warned on here, under another user name and I didn’t listen. I thought we could get past it. But I was wrong. I don’t think we ever stood a chance.

This is getting super outing on my part probably but meh, his family wouldn’t find me from this (especially as only two of them even know I exist) and anyone my side who recognises me - welcome to my pain. Please buy me doughnuts.

He’s got good timing tho, I genuinely do not know how I would have handled this a few months ago. Whereas now I feel...bizarre and suspect when I get home tonight I’m going to be in pieces, but def coping better than I would have

Gosh that really sucks. It's part of why I'm avoiding my ex because I just dont want to know if hes moved on.

Yeah it’s just...surreal! I’d rather know, purely because I’ve had such a strong suspicion that this was on the cards for months, so I’d rather just know I’m right. It’s messing with my head. Is he happy? Does he want this? Does he like her or even love her? Does he think of me? Did he really have a choice?

I don’t want him to be sad. But I don’t want him to be happy either.

At the moment, I genuinely wish I’d never met him and he’d never come to this town. I know in time I’ll be appreciative of it as we had a lovely time and learned about ourselves but honestly right now it doesn’t seem worth it. He came here for two years, fucked off my life, fucked off back home and now he’s got a better job, a house and a wife. And I’m back in the rut I was in before. Which yes was my fault but still.

I am still not 100% sure what I believe in but right now the only thing keeping me going is choosing to believe that this was God’s way of bringing me to him. Atheists need not chime in at this point cos I need whatever comfort I can get.

Feeling a bit better atm. So bored of feeling sad!!

Aaand now I feel a bit sad. I feel weird as well. I can’t describe the feeling. I would really love if this was the start of healing. I’m concerned it’s actually just shock still. I don’t know it’s not a positive or a negative feeling, I don’t know what it is.

I'm missing him today. I just miss our life routine. Coming home to an empty house is not fun for me.

It’s horrible isn’t it! I can’t even dwell on the things I miss because then I will dwell on the fact that he’s doing those things with someone else. Will she love him like I do?

Feeling a bit better this evening tho. I keep saying this about every setback but I really do think this will help in the long run. Especially as I’ve felt it was coming so it’s done now, I don’t have that anticipation.

Massive hugs herb

I think it hit me at the weekend that he really is gone this time and won't be coming back. I spent most the weekend in tears. I did message him and ask him if he would answer a question. I dont even know what I wanted to ask him. Then I messaged and told him not to bother. Then I blocked him. Not the first time I've done that and I'm sure I'll unblock him again.
I'm so fucking angry.

Oh god herb, what a shock. Surely he would have only known his new wife a few months?? That's crazy.
Went out with my mum today (birthday!) And she started the day by telling me she's been stalking my exes Instagram 🙄🙄 I was like....I dont want to know!! But she said she had to tell me there was only one photo of his new gf on there (from August, when I knew they'd gone away - sounds like a trip that was so him which has irrantionally annoyed me 😅) and still some of me...i was like, thanks for now making me think of that today 🙄🙄 BUT I have no urge to go and look myself so that is a good thing really.

Yeah no idea, he might have known her years or could have only just met! No clue! Fell asleep for half an hour and must have dreamed about it cos woken up and the whole thing including the fact that I’ve not seen him in four months just seems so bizarre. Can’t wrap my head round it!

Good that you don’t have the urge to look yourself!

Wasn’t feeling too bad about it all then I tried to talk to my mum about it and the tears came. I’m just sad. I thought we were so good together. What if he never has anything as good with her as he did with me? What a waste.

And what if no one loves me again? I don’t mean what if I can never love again. I mean what if no one can love me? I’m fat. I’m unattractive. I’m so awkward I was single for my entire life before meeting A, and I’m going to be 33 soon, ok still young but I live somewhere with very few available men. What if I’m alone for another 16 years?

Oh and!! @Jonsnowsghost I’m so sorry I was all set to be like HAPPY BIRTHDAY first thing this morning and then shit happened and I forgot I’m sorry. So HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I really hope you had a good day, you deserve it!

Ha ha thank you! And no worries, you had bigger things to think about!
Unsurprisingly I didn't get a text but I knew that anyway, just posted a pic on insta in some of the new clothes I got today, making it ambiguous as to whether I was off out tonight ha ha.

Yeah it’s been a bit of a rollercoaster day! Ahh good plan! Did you do anything nice besides lunch? Mines not till May so hoping I’m over him by then!

I find it weird that I can’t post anything aimed at him now! Not that I did anyway, except the occasional thing that was so subtle no one except him and maybe not even him would pick up on it (and think I was muted anyway) but now...he can’t see anything. And he won’t be looking anyway! Cos he has a WIFE! God it’s so fucking weird!!! Like not just sad, it’s a head trip. I’m hoping when I sleep tonight I’ll work through it a bit in my dreams.

Oh wait I read it as you saying you went for lunch but you just said you went out lol

I did go for lunch today but made it look a bit like I was also going out this evening...just to maybe cause some people to wonder ha ha.
I can't believe he's getting married, what an insane situation.

Not getting, it’s happened! So weird! All I’ve seen is the cake and I think that’s all I’ll ever see, thank goodness. I don’t want to see him in all the wedding get up that I used to imagine him wearing for me.

Should clarify, when I say weird, it’s weird for me to get my head around, someone I was in love with, had discussed marriage with, is now married to someone else. The actual marriage speed seems to be very normal in his culture tbf, I’ve been expecting it for months. Just so weird for me. Especially as I’ve never had a break up before so never experienced an ex even having a new gf before never mind a wife!