Break up support thread 4

[herbsmokedchicken]

Sigh.!

@PuffinSock please don’t take this the wrong way, but what do you mean by ‘my story is sad’?
And I tell you why I ask.
I had counselling a while ago, and she noticed that I only have two emotions: angry and indifferent. I actually had to look all emotions up. I recognise all emotions without a problem, but due to trauma, I have real difficulties labelling them. So say, in this situation, I said I’m not angry, I’m mildly irritated just by his presence. But I didn’t even consider labelling my situation as sad, it’s like my spectrum is screwed.

@SeaSidePebbles your story felt sad to me because it sounds like at one point you felt happiness and contentment and you've had to go through a lot of crap, including giving him another chance but hes still not turned things around for you. Just seems unfair and like you deserve better.

@PuffinSock I see. Thank you for explaining 🤗. Like my efforts were in vain, and it’s sad because although a lot of it was good, we still didn’t make it work.

It’s sad because we are really similar in our outlook in life. We taught each other lots of things. There was nothing we disagreed on in terms of art, aesthetics, music, down time, sport, cooking, politics etc. We really opened each other’s eyes to an amazing world. It’s sad we lost that.
On the other hand, he lied and tried to cheat, he has an addictive personality (is that a thing?) and is selfish to an absurd degree, like all addicts. Just replacing an addiction with another. So I opted out.

I'm really glad theres little chance of me seeing my ex, definitely at the moment anyway. We live relatively close to each other, shop in the same places etc but I kind of know what times shes likely to be there so can avoid them. It's the second day we've had no contact, I had told her I wanted space for the weekend to think things through so i think she may get in touch tomorrow to see if I've decided about staying friends. I'm just going to say no and that maybe we can chat in a few weeks and then continue NC. It's the hardest thing but prolonging it wont do me any good either.

NC is def better, and good if you can avoid seeing her - I happened to see my ex one day out of the blue just when I was walking into work and it fucking hit me like a sledgehammer. As hard and disorientating as it is to know he’s now so far away, there is also relief in the fact that I can’t run into him or keep half an eye out for his car anymore.

As sad as I am that he’s gone, I did feel more relaxed walking into work knowing there was no chance I would see him. Well as relaxing as walking into work on a Monday can be anyway! Was weird driving past the turning to his road and knowing his room is empty tho. I’ve only ever lived in my family home so it freaks me out to think of moving and not being in the place where memories were made! So much happened in that room and now I’ll never go in it again.

Well I text her this morning and said I dont feel I can be friends at the moment and maybe we can talk in a few weeks. She was fine with it, said she understood and apologised for hurting me. She said again that she feels she needs to be on her own for now. I just dont understand it. I'm so confused. She had a lot of stress from other areas of her life but she always said the relationship was the one positive thing she had and now she has walked away from it.

It’s so hard to understand what is going on in other people’s minds, especially when they don’t really understand themselves half the time! I know my ex was gutted that our relationship ended as he didn’t know why his feelings changed but they did and so he really had no choice. I miss him but speaking to him would make things 100 times more painful.

Still sad, feeling really low, miss my ex a lot. NC doesn't work if you're wanting them to contact if they have someone else! I really want to talk to him but I won't, I know it wouldn't get me anywhere.

Just feel like I've taken a huge step back and just so miserable again, knowing he gets to wake up and gets to have someone to talk to and I wake up miserable yet again.

Luckily I won't see him around as he lives about 20mins drive from me. I want it to be this time last year so much. I know he will be with her for a long time so I need to let go but it's so difficult. They have a hobby in common that is not usual so she's basically his perfect girl :( sigh

Ahhh I feel for you! I definitely hoped I’d be feeling a lot better by now than I am. Not doing too bad today but went like an hour or so without thinking of him then seemingly out of nowhere I got a flashback to our holiday! Hurts.

I wish it was this time last year too but I guess instead we have to think that this time next year we will be feeling better again! Letting go is so hard though.

Ohh jonsnow I feel for you, I feel exactly the same. I’ve had nc with him since he left and I want him to text so badly but I know he won’t!

I joined tinder again last night just for a distraction of taking to people - it worked I feel better

I would join tinder again but in my head it's feels like I'm cheating! Which is ridiculous as I am 100% single. I suppose it's that last step to let go but I dont really want to get too invested in talking to someone and then it be a rebound. My plan was to concentrate on my horse stuff until next year and not think about dating (unless it happened naturally another way, which is unlikely!) But who knows. I just miss him so much, I dont want to be waiting around or anything because I know that he won't break up with her and even if he did he would hardly come back to me. I just dont know :(

I got into the dating apps very soon after, partly because I just wanted to see if he was on them (before he’d decided to move obvs) and I chatted to a few guys but my heart just isn’t in it yet. All I could think was how they weren’t him.

@jonsnowsghost yeah I agree, when they are with someone else nc doesnt seem to work as they are getting their relationship fix elsewhere. I suppose they may still wonder what we're doing but it doesnt seem to bother them so much. Unless they are up for cheating like my one

@herbsmokedchicken I know what you mean, it's really hard to be in the right frame of mind for dating when you're not over your ex. How are you feeling now hes moved?

@ apparentlyacatch glad Tinder is being a good distraction! Hopefully you'll meet someone amazing soon.

I agree that dating feels like cheating...but oddly I've read that dating increases your value to the ex, shows theres competition I suppose.

@PuffinSock I don’t know how I feel really! It’s weird. Like it’s a relief to know I won’t run into him but it’s also very weird! I’ve had friends come and go but it’s my first break up, I’ve never had such an intense connection to someone and then just lost that connection. And now he’s proper gone it’s just...it’s weird. And sad but I’m hoping this will help spur me on a bit. It’s well and truly out of my hands now!

Ok I've gone a bit crazy again and done a massive instagram stalk (all without looking at his actual profile 😅) and the amount of posts of surfer women, in bikinis, close ups etc had increased so much over the last few weeks, plus following more individual surfer girl accounts (and liking all their posts since following) it's just crazy! Yes he also seems to like some of the stupid couple type posts too but he liked them when he was with me and before me too....
It's just a bit strange, why all of a sudden is he so interested when he's followed some of these accounts for a long time and normally likes just the surfing posts rather than the close up bikini shots 🤔 plus liking posts that I've alreash liked from the trip we did in jan...
I know, I know, I can't read anything into it at all, and no doubt I'll see him tag her in something again and have another meltdown but it does seem odd. I did have a secret smile that all the more recent follows and likes have had long blonde hair...like I do ahahaha. Kidding, that's because most surfers are like that!!
I will stop doing this as it is pretty weird 😅 but at least it stops me texting him ha ha

God that was long, I sound like a nut case ha ha

Oh no I totally get it! I didn’t tell even you guys this I don’t think as I was so embarrassed but when he was away and I was convinced he was getting married, I zoomed in on a picture he’d taken because I could see someone’s reflection in the metal teapot....

@jonsnowsghost I dont judge you checking at all, you've got to do whatever helps you feel ok! It's a bit torturous not knowing what they think/thought. Like if I knew how I could have encouraged him to stay then I would have. But actually it was always out of our hands, people always do whatever suits them, I doubt we could have done anything.

@herbsmokedchicken that's so funny I laugh because I saw a photo of my guy with his new love and I zoomed and decided that they cant be getting along very well because they are standing too far apart I know that was a stupid conclusion I made and I do laugh

I've zoomed in on photos too 😅 before I stopped looking at his profiles. I dunno, i guess I'm just looking for something, some kind of hint. My take on it is that he's still happy but a part of him might not be, hence going overboard on the liking - similar to maybe when he wasnt so happy with me before he met her (if there's any truth in what he said). Just weird that he's followed all these accounts for ages, only sporadically liking posts (mainly actual surfing) then all of a sudden liking almost all, including the posed half naked ones which he didnt like before 🤷🏻‍♀️ even going further back to like this time last year was only sporadic.
Or maybe it's because she surfs as well and it's made him happier to like them, but that doesn't explain liking all the women posts ha ha. I dunno, I'm over thinking again!!

Yeah you are! But we’ve all done it! And it’s frustrating because you can’t actually get an answer, just tie yourself up in knots wondering.

How are we all today, my little falafels? I’m doing a bit bleh but not too bad. Did not check his fb or WhatsApp all yesterday. Going for day 2!

Well done herbsmokedchicken - doing ok, still think of him 24/7 but I haven’t cried in a few days! I’m enjoying chatting to people but have no intentions of doing anything. Still hopeful he will msg but he doesn’t 🤷🏼‍♀️
What I want to forget is his routine - like thinking ‘ah he’ll be at work now’ or ‘he’ll be picking his kids up now’ - I just want to forget him all together really.

Yeah I was caught up in his routine for ages! I took last seen off my WhatsApp so I couldn’t try and work out what he was doing. Him moving helps with that as I no longer have zero clue what he could possibly be doing! It had already faded tho so it does ease.

I’m the same, haven’t cried for a bit but still on my mind...but not as constant anymore. More like every half hour or so!