Rebuilding marriage after infidelity

[Katrinawaves]

I’m 3 weeks in from having discovered that my husband was having an affair with someone for 18 months. He’s broken it off, is remorseful and attentive and desperate to make things work. We’ve started attending couple counselling together and he’s also having individual therapy. We’re trying to make time to actively be together rather than just mindlessly watch TV together in the evenings but I have to go away for work for a few days next week.

For those who have been in this horrible situation and made it out the other side, what advice can you give. What worked or harmed the process. We’ve been married for a long time and have 3 children together (youngest still at primary school) so there are lots of reasons to try to forgive and get past this if I can.

@ScreamingLadySutch - you have exactly described me and my H!

I am 9 months along and not getting anywhere as he will not talk to me as I really don’t think no he can see the point, although he says he is sorry and wants to stay married. He listens to me and occasionally answers questions, but is not proactive in any way. I can feel my resentment increasing every day that passes.

Robin2323 - yes, this is why my H cheated. He wanted an easy way of having affection from a woman without having to make an effort to deal with all the difficulties there are at home, children etc. I do understand that, but still can’t understand how someone is able to do that and not have a conscience.

This is not excusing them at all but understanding why good men cheat.

If he is a good man, he doesn't cheat. There are many small boundaries which are broken in getting to that point. A good man (or woman) would not keep treading on these, they would stop. Everyone knows full well what they are doing at each of those decision points. A good person does not make excuses for overstepping boundaries and continuing on the path to an affair. They sort out whatever problems (if any) they had, another way. Not cheat.

You need to do what you feel is best for yourself. Six months down the line you may feel you just can’t forgive, or he may have betrayed you with her again, and then you can draw a line under it, separate and know that you tried. Worst scenario would be leaving now and then six months down the line regret that you didn’t try to get past it, and wish that you had. My DH left me for ow, then came back months later wanting to try again. Everyone, without exception, advised me not to, but I took him back and 10 years later our marriage is strong and we’ve survived it. But I’m a different person as I know what he’s capable of, and I know I would have no hesitation in leaving if it ever happened again. I’m stronger for the experience. Some on this thread have a zero tolerance for this sort of thing, which is fine, as we are all different. There’s no wrong or right way.

I am so glad to hear it livelovebhappy, gives me hope. He is trying so hard to make it right. It’s just not right in me. My heart hurts everyday for the last 20 months. I was so angry for a long time. My self esteem has suffered tremendously. I’m trying so hard and I still want us but it can never be the same again. I’m going to therapy on my own. I’m a lot less anxious n try to distract myself from thinking about this trauma. I’m just so sad. I sometimes just want to let go.

Totally get what pastry is saying. If my H had a ONS and admitted was just sex , i would be in two minds -- i have found it much harder by reading the mills and boon stuff he wrote about this other person and hearing him singing the songs he wrote about it that he recorded to CD . To me knowing someone else wAs emotionally elsewhere bothered me more than whether anything physical went on. We are all different I guess in what really 'kills it' . I have stayed but I'm pretty sure I would have found a random drunk one off shag easier to move on from. I think it also depends how emotionally close you thought you were , and I found that hard as we certainly were.

I know good men who cheat and bad men that don't.
When i say good I don't mean perfect.
Just another imperfect human who faces the same temptations as anyone else.
I'm not talking about serial cheaters I'm talking about good men who've been good husbands for a long time.

Nothing ever black or white and life can sometimes grind you down.

I think it’s not unreasonable to frame what your DP has done as abusive to you.

This was not a one off drunken stupid mistake instantly regretted.

People do get back together. However do not minimize this. It wasn’t your fault. He betrayed you and emotionally abused you.

Sorry robin, but I'd disagree there. If someone had been a good husband for many years and then cheated, they are no longer a good husband.

Not everyone will agree with my point of view but for me it is black and white. Disrespect me and I don't want you in my life - end of

Give yourself permission not to have to make a decision either way immediately, or in 6 months, or a year.
Can either of you live without you being able to trust him.
Mine had an emotional affair 2 years ago I am fairly certain it would have gotten physical if I hadn't found out. We are still up and down. I think about it nigh on daily and my lack of trust is causing its own issues.
I should have left when I found out. But same as you small children, long marriage make for difficult times.
You aren't alone, be kind to yourself. You are in a phase called hysterical bonding at the moment do what makes you feel better.

Sorry robin, but I'd disagree there. If someone had been a good husband for many years and then cheated, they are no longer a good husband
@FritzDonovan
^^
I agree they are not a good husband.

But that still doesn't make them a 'bad' man.
Just another human who's done a bad thing.

With compassion, understanding and maturity it is possible to find out why this happened.

And then it is up to the dw/ gf to decided if it is possible to move past this or if they even want to.

Everyone makes mistakes and no one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

Some relationship are a constant battle ground and others and been sexless for years.
Yet it seems such a shock when someone's dp leaves out of the blue.

If people were ti look beneath the surface a bit there would be a whole new side to the story.

Thanks @Robin2323

This is by far the worst thing which my OH has done to me. And quite possibly also the worst thing he has ever done in his entire life to me or anyone else.

Counterbalanced are all the good things he’s done, the good times we’ve had and the times he’s supported me.

I won’t lie. The last 4 weeks have been very very hard. We’ve both cried copiously. I’ve been at times angry. He’s made mistakes in terms of knowing what I expect from him now and how to move the relationship on. And everything is still very much in a state of unhappiness and uncertainty. But that doesn’t make the whole of the last 30 years a failure or him a bad husband for the whole marriage. If we don’t make it, I think we will be like the PP who described trying and failing to overcome her husband’s affair and both weeping when they made the decision to split, when he moved out and when the divorce papers were signed.

If we had a magic wand I think we would both go back in time in a heartbeat and rewrite history but we can’t. Whatever choices we make from here on in are going to be upsetting and painful for us both and that’s just the way things are. Throwing him out instantly wouldn’t have been the right decision for me though it’s right for others but that doesn’t mean we won’t end up separating after giving reconciliation a try. At the moment I just don’t know.

I think that’s the best way of looking st it Katrina, you don’t have to ‘hate’ the person but sometimes with all the will in the world ‘sorry’ cant always make it right. Something like this changes feelings, heads and hearts aren’t always logical. Others talk about hysterical bonding, for me nothing could have been less what I would have wanted and that hadn’t changed. We still get on, I do care about him but his stupid behaviour certainly changed things and also killed my libido somewhat (along with menopause)

I tried after 18 years and four children, one just a newborn. Limped on for 6 years couples and lots of individual counselling and pain for us and the kids. Thought we were better but found out about another year long affair.
Three years later I'm so much happier. I couldn't trust him no matter how hard I wanted to and I was right not to.
A one night stand is a mistake an eighteen month affair is something else altogether.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Take care.

So hate to admit it but the general consensus on this thread was correct.

It wasn’t the first time - he’s been unfaithful on and off for last 7-8 years. He’s been initiating the affairs.

I’m in taxi on way to look at new apartments and will stay in a hotel until I get something permanent sorted. Feel like such a fool. He sat beside me in couple counselling lying through his teeth.

Kids are both distraught and my 10 year old is blaming me because I wont forgive his dad and keep the family together and is begging me to stay.

I know you all told me but I feel like such a fool for even considering trying now

I'm so sorry OP. What a total shit he is. Shouldn't he be the one looking at apartments and hotels rather than you, or do you just want to get out of the house?

I know you all told me but I feel like such a fool for even considering trying now

There's no possible reason to feel a fool or ashamed in any way, Katrina; you behaved honourably in trying to sort this mess out and it's hardly your fault that he was never capable of the same (even while being a pretty skilled actor)

The good news is that you'll never have to think "what if I'd just done such-and-such" or "maybe I was being over-suspicious" ... you know exactly what the position is now, and though it'll hurt like hell it frees you to build a much better future for yourself and the DCs

I wish you only the very, very best of luck with it

There's only one fool in this relationship and it isn't you!

@Katrinawaves I'm sorry that this has been the outcome. A friend is going through something similar. Many affairs over 12 years and she still believes he will change

Keep your head held high and get your ducks in order. It'll take time but you'll be ok

Sorry to hear this op.
I came on here to say it Would be good to hear from posters whose partners had cheated years ago, and how they feel now, many years down the line.
However it's immaterial to you now.
Look after yourself op.