Rebuilding marriage after infidelity

[Katrinawaves]

I’m 3 weeks in from having discovered that my husband was having an affair with someone for 18 months. He’s broken it off, is remorseful and attentive and desperate to make things work. We’ve started attending couple counselling together and he’s also having individual therapy. We’re trying to make time to actively be together rather than just mindlessly watch TV together in the evenings but I have to go away for work for a few days next week.

For those who have been in this horrible situation and made it out the other side, what advice can you give. What worked or harmed the process. We’ve been married for a long time and have 3 children together (youngest still at primary school) so there are lots of reasons to try to forgive and get past this if I can.

Katrina - I think you are extremely sensible and I am in awe of how well you’re handling things. I was a screaming crying mess for at least the first month. I know the pain must be severe but the fact you’re not making a knee jerk reaction either way reminds me of how I was, despite being a mess I never decided anything straight away.

It took the control away from him too, and back into my hands. He knew I was seriously considering leaving him but I kept him stewing.

The other thing I forgot to mention is that he wasn’t a dick about talking about it. I could speak as openly as I wanted about it, at absolutely any time. If I was feeling down while he was at work he would encourage me to ring him and would always take the time to talk through things. I could get as angry as I wanted and he would never dare to tell me that I just have to forgive and forget if I haven’t chosen to leave (as a PP suggested might be the case).

He would answer any questions I had, with brutal honesty, and he never once complained about me bringing it up. I brought it up repeatedly for I think two years until I reached a place where I didn’t want to or need to anymore. Your DH has to be willing to do everything on your terms until you can get past this.

@Zenithbear Doesn’t really matter if he lived a suffocating existence for a while now does it? He seemed absolutely willing to! And the most important thing is that we got past it. But thank you for your concern for him

I also have to disagree with posters who have said you will never trust again, or that your relationship will never be the same again. It might. It might not.

But I’m living proof that it is possible to have a great relationship again. We laugh, we have fun together (much more than before), we communicate and talk openly about everything, and I can honestly say we have never been happier in our marriage than we are now. I trust him completely, and know he would never be so stupid again. I also think he’s a wonderful husband and father.

For some the only option is to leave. But not everyone is the same, and like I said before, I’m glad I never ruled anything out.

People can and do change.

Wishing you all the best OP

Everyone must make their own choice but for me people that hurt or betray me don't get the opportunity to stay in my life. This leaves me free to have a chance at a happy, valued future with someone honest and trustworthy

@WhenPushComesToShove the question asked was

For those who have been in this horrible situation and made it out the other side, what advice can you give. What worked or harmed the process.

Good to be reminded of that
doublebarrellednurse 😊

But he truly grovelled

I had full control of his finances, his phone, emails, absolutely anything you can think of. It was impossible for him to cheat even if he wanted to because he insisted on never going anywhere without me. He was desperate to rebuild trust and even suggested I put a tracking device or some kind of recording device on him for when he went to work! I never felt the need to go that far

I don’t feel the need to call him at work or to worry if he goes out without me, (which he still rarely does!)

Can't believe some of what I am reading here Having to behave like this would not be my choice . That's not trust.

Strangely enough, you tend to not trust someone when you initially discover an affair. It would be an unreasonable expectation and foolish.
What CakeAndCustardPlease and her DH did was a means to an end, and they achieved the end they both wanted. You have gone through a massive trauma and need that reassurance, like a child with a security blanket. The trust needs to be regained and those who are truly remorseful welcome the chance to prove themselves. The ‘trust tank’ is empty and every time you check and find nothing it refills a little.

That is not how trust works. The whole point of trust is that you don't have to check.
Once trust is broken it can never be regained 100% imo.
I wouldn't want to be using surveillance on my dp for a million reasons, I'm too busy for a start. Apart from the fact that they know you're checking so of course they won't be up to anything for the time being at least.

@Zenithbear that’s exactly how trust is usually built initially or restored once broken. Very few of us trust completely and without reservation from the first time we meet someone - it’s a learned behaviour based on our experience of the person.

Cakeandcustard has told you that this technique worked for her and her spouse and she no longer uses it. I think she almost certainly knows better than you do whether she now trusts her own husband!

@Zenithbear I respect your view but I’m a firm believer in this method because it helped us get through a really rough patch. As Fochit said, it was a means to an end. I’m not sure why it bothers you so much. He did absolutely everything he could to regain trust and eventually he managed to build a stronger, more stable, even happier relationship with me. Those days feel like they never even happened, that’s how little I think of them. I know people can and do get past things like this, it depends on your personality and your partner’s remorse.

I don’t think you understood my post, I never felt the need to track him or use surveillance etc and although I had full control of everything, I didn’t feel the need to constantly check phone, emails etc. It was massively reassuring that he was and still is perfectly happy for me to pick up his phone whenever I like if mine’s upstairs or out of battery etc. He can use mine too if he wants! I think that’s how a marriage should be and by your definition I no longer feel any need to check up on him so obviously that means I trust him.

It’s fine for you to say that YOU would never trust again, but not everyone is the same. I know he would never cheat and that is trust. I trust him 100% so I know it’s possible to recover from infidelity.

@TheStuffedPenguin obviously those things happened during a period of little to no trust. There is now 100% trust in our relationship and I don’t feel the need to do any of that. So I know first hand that trust can be regained.

@Katrinawaves it will be a rollercoaster of emotion but if you end up wanting to stay, don’t feel guilty or like you have to explain yourself to anyone. That’s your decision and yours alone. If he is willing to make changes to become a better spouse and is willing to be completely transparent with everything (and he must believe that he has to be this way for life, even if you have no intention of checking up on him) and if he’s willing to deal with your anger and upset and questions for as long as it takes - then you might just be able to get through it.

I certainly think it helps if H is open to you ‘bringing it up’ as and when you feel the need or even brings it up himself if he feels you are sad. I couldn’t do that, my H got really agitated if it was remotely mentioned after around the 3 month mark and 3 years down the line I know he would get pissed off it I mentioned it. He did tell me he felt an utter dick (an obsessive infatuation that went way too far on his part , rather than an affair it seems) and I don’t think he likes reminding about how much he upset me .

@CakeAndCustardPlease
Totally get what you mean.
It s really the same as any new relationship.
You don't blindly trust someone
Trust needs to be earned.
Especially if you'd been hurt previously.
And it can be restored.

Also been there and tried very hard to reconcile. My exH also tried hard, but he simply did not have the tools and eventually became evasive, shut down and 'F you'.

My distress became irritating, his sorrow was all for himself and he simply did not have the language to explain why he did what he did. Possibly 'because I wanted to' and 'you are all just holes to me' was the real truth that couldn't be said. But he was very upset that he had lost his image of a decent and noble man.

If someone is split, misogynistic and sees himself as a naughty boy against some sort of mother figure,

you are stuffed. Nothing to work with (and it is heartbreaking).

I think the most important thing is if he shows that he gets it. That he really sees the damage he has done, and is prepared to look at his entitlement and capacity for deceit.

But there are too many of the first and not enough of the second IMO.

Funnily enough a red flag for me, is fnar fnar jokes (Phil Saunders and his double entendres). Women who are feared and hated are the butt of those jokes. They say a lot about his attitude.

Ultimately no one can 100% trust that their partner will not cheat on them.

@Thestuffedpenguin

This made me smile wryly.

Up to 3 weeks ago I would have sworn my OH would never cheat and had complete 100% confidence in that...

@TheStuffedPenguin You’re speaking for yourself - and I get that. But you really don’t speak for everyone. Many people can and do have 100% trust in their partners. Not even 1% doubt. Whether they’re right to or not is another subject altogether!

I may be able to help, or may just get a load of abuse! I was the one in our marriage that had a very short-lived affair. It was with someone I knew through work, he lived miles away from me so we met up on three occasions at work things. I ended it, but my dh found out a few months later.

You don't need the background or the why's, but for us there were a lot of reasons. We tried very hard to put things back together ourselves, we really did. I literally did everything I possibly could, I tried to answer every question.... anything. But what helped us massively was finding an amazing counsellor. Yes, she was expensive (about £70 an hour) but we agreed that we wouldn't stop until we reached the end of the process. And that's exactly what we did.

It wasn't easy by any stretch of the imagination, and we both literally got to exam every single part of our lives and our relationship, childhoods, previous relationships. Everything!! I learnt things about him that I didn't know, and vice versa. And then one day we reached the point where we realised that we were just popping along for a chat. And whilst that was lovely, and so was our counsellor, that's an expensive chat!

It's now a year since we finished counselling and 18+ months since it all came out. There have been difficult times, but on the whole our marriage is better than it ever has been. I can't speak for dh, but there are times I feel vulnerable (go figure?!), but I feel like if he ever did anything similar, what the hell can I do or say??

But is it worth it? Definitely.

It is worth saying, that the one thing dh and I most definitely have in common is that we're both bloody minded, and don't ever give up. That's just how we are. Plus, there was still a massive amount of love there, from both of us. Without that, and the desire to mend things, you're just wasting your time.

Thank you @n0mym0us. No abuse or flaming from me x

Susancrushed

It’s been a year and 8 months and I cannot get my husbands affair out of my head entirely. He does not think about it all and says it’s the biggest mistake of his life. I’m trying to contain my thoughts when they come up in my head. It seems after having a good day or evening date I bring it up. I am not angry just questioning his character. It’s been a long road and I don’t wish this on my worst enemy. Anyone can give me personal feedback
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Yesterday 13:03

@n0nym0us
Thank you for sharing and being so honest.
The was a woman ons similar position - but she didn't get therapy , it happened again.
Her dh said went with her for couples counselling and the bottom line was she'd always felt like she was in her sisters shadow, so with the therapist they worked through it.

My point is not excuse but to understand.

Her parents failed her. Many people can relate to that.

Not every marriage survives but that one did.

@TheStuffedPenguin You’re speaking for yourself - and I get that. But you really don’t speak for everyone. Many people can and do have 100% trust in their partners. Not even 1% doubt. Whether they’re right to or not is another subject altogether! grin

I see you agree with me then . You can say something about someone but ultimately the only person who has control of that is the person themselves and time after time women thought " my H is not the type to cheat " me included . Good luck to those though who can forge on .

We have been in therapy when I found out in 3/2017. Had to leave first therapist because she didn’t feel the need to talk about specifics of the affair. Went to a highly trained expensive therapist n am still going. He feels guilty, ashamed and regrets all of it. I decided to go to therapy on my own for a few sessions because we were at a lull. I love my husband never thought this could happen. His affair was with a very disgusting toxic person. I’m having trouble getting over who it was with, she is nothing like me in anyway. I’m a proud women, educated and financially independent. I hate myself for staying. My last child went off to college in aug. I’m attractive for 55 and really have my shit together. I love him, our marriage got a bit ugly when a tragedy occurred in his family. I blame myself sometimes but know I am in no way responsible for his affair. I could easily find someone else but do not have a desire. I know mostly all about this 8 month affair. Even went to meet her. I’m no longer angry, just have this grueling hurt in my heart. I know things can never be the same. Hoping for a better relationship with him. I’m not sure how I feel sometimes. There is no point in talking about her it’s talked to death. I just cant get out of my mind how disgusting she was. Please help me to understand.

My partner was unfaithful 5 years ago. It was a ONS, followed 6 weeks later by an attempted liaison. We had been together mostly happily for 18 years, however at that point in our relationship things were not so good. I had been suffering PND, we constantly sniped at each other and had 'competitive tiredness'.

I knew something was up after the OND, he confessed 6 weeks later after failing to woo another woman on a night out. Sadly he chickened out and only told me part of the story ' I am not sure if I love you any more', then 'I met someone I really liked, but nothing happened, then they just kissed etc etc.

It was the lying that really broke me. If he had just said, "pastry I was feeling shit, drunk and lonely, this pretty young woman chatted me up and we ended up having a dirty fuck, I haven't seen or spoken to her since, I don't even know her name". It would have been so much easier than having to wrench the truth out and initially believe there had been some kind of real connection other than his dick.

At the time I was heartbroken and suffering depression and couldn't face the thought of going it alone, we went to marriage counselling (didn't help me much) and things were very up and down , but to his credit he tried really hard to make amends, took the screaming and shouting.

After about 18months I changed mind and started looking into where I stood if we were to separate and looking after myself, getting my social life back, taking up hobbies. Oddly feeling more empowered I decided that I would stay.

Nowadays our relationship is fairly good, we talk our feelings through and work well as a team and enjoy each others company immensely, but it will never be the same. I have a deep sadness and dissapointment that he is not the strong man I used to think he was. I also keep a little piece of my heart back, just in case.

It's still very early days for you OP. My advice with hindsight would be to try and have some time away to clear your head. Find out your options financially and housing wise should you decide to split and know that you don't have to rush to any decisions. 💐

@Susancrushed
If it helps:

Quite often the ow is not as attractive as the dw.

The ow fills one or two needs that the dm isn't at this time (I don't mean sex - it's rarely about sex).

The dw is still meeting many other needs thought.

Affairs are usually a distraction from stresses and/or problems.

Things like A death in the family, problems at work, empty nest, menopause, can build up and a couple can slip into complacency ....... and the stage is set:

Dh receives a bit of sympathy from a female, then she's laughing at his jokes and most of all it doesn't feel like he's failing at everything anymore.

Sadly men don't talk about their problems with their buddies like women do.

This is not excusing them at all but understanding why good men cheat.