Rebuilding marriage after infidelity

[Katrinawaves]

I’m 3 weeks in from having discovered that my husband was having an affair with someone for 18 months. He’s broken it off, is remorseful and attentive and desperate to make things work. We’ve started attending couple counselling together and he’s also having individual therapy. We’re trying to make time to actively be together rather than just mindlessly watch TV together in the evenings but I have to go away for work for a few days next week.

For those who have been in this horrible situation and made it out the other side, what advice can you give. What worked or harmed the process. We’ve been married for a long time and have 3 children together (youngest still at primary school) so there are lots of reasons to try to forgive and get past this if I can.

I did, or rather my husband and I did recover our marriage and are now 18 months down the line and in a good place. It's taken work on both parts but it's put us in a better relationship than we had before.

Biggest things that helped me: (in no particular order)

I had an exit plan so whatever happened I had it I wasn't stuck

Individual and couples therapy - your world has been turned upside down. Treat it like a trauma.

He had to be totally transparent- I have passwords for everything and can see anything any time. I don't tend to look anymore but it helps knowing I could.

Total. Brutal. Honesty.

Doing things together to re bond.

I cut myself off from his hurt feelings over it. He did feel like a cunt and rightly so, I didn't comfort him through that. Not my monkeys not my circus.

He had to actively engage in recovery "work" ie read things, watch YouTube vids, reflect on what happened.

He had to answer anything I asked and not get shitty about it

He had to work towards healing (a book called How to Help your Spouse heal from your infidelity really helped him)

Not making any decisions for certain

Not expecting forgiveness - it's not forgivable but that doesn't mean you can't move on.

Don't expect trust just let it build naturally. He has to build a relationship in which he is a safe person to love and trust again. It took well over a year.

You will fight. You will cry. Your emotions will change rapidly. You spend time scanning for horizons for risk. But gradually it fades.

The pain does fade. It was indescribable at first but if your instinct is to stay then see how it works.

Set boundaries and very clear expectations of him. Don't leave things unsaid or presumed. It backfires.

I used some great websites/podcast:

• Letters to my husbands affair - a blog/website

• Call Suzie (or something like that) - website

• Affair recovery On YouTube helped us both and their recovery boot camp is great (and free for the first stage)

• Healing broken trust podcast

Also remember that people post here with the best will in the world but

A) people think it's the norm to leave after an affair comes to life (it's not actually more people stay and work things out than leave)

B) people think they know how they would react in your shoes, they don't

C) they don't know you, your husband, the circumstances of all this.

@WhenDoesTheWashingEnd oh god it's so good reading your post. It really is hard but honestly, it's been worth it for us. 18 months in and we are stronger than we've probably ever been.

Tough days happen but it's been good. He's grown up such a lot. We've grown together.

Good luck.

@26doublebarrellednurse

Brilliant post , summed it up perfectly for me xx

@Faith50
That's a very kind message.
Looking back the confession was probably the key. He came home early, something he never does ... Ever!
By the time he was home he was utterly broken. He'd gotten himself so far into a hole he just didn't know how to get out.
I know there are people would call me a fool but quite honestly but in that moment there was nothing I could do or say to him that he hadn't already done to himself.

I'd never seen him like that (And never want to again!).

What made me realise we could fix this was how open he was. He used to shut off if a conversation became uncomfortable but for the first time ever he was prepared open up completely.
When I did finally get angry enough to say what I thought of what he'd done he never argued back, never tried to justify it. Just accepted what a bloody fool he'd been.

Something else that was important was that once I'd said what I needed to in anger I had to let that go. Any time we talked about it afterwards was mature and level headed.
I couldn't use it as a stick to beat him with every time we had an argument. We'd never have been able to move on.

You're so right. Where we were last year compared to now are very different places indeed.

@doublebarrellednurse
You've pretty much nailed it completely with your posts!!

Sorry your going through this shit but only you can decide what’s best for you and hopefully you can get through it but if you don’t at least you can say you tried your best it won’t be easy but I get why your not tearing your family apart until you know what you want to do first Your probably still in shock and there are some people who say they come out stronger he’s your husband so ignore the negative comments you only wanted advice from people who had walked in your shoes not people who haven’t but know what they would do. Good luck.

whendoesthewashing
Your dh was clearly distraught at his actions. I agree that choosing not to drag up the past in every arguement is not beneficial- so bloody difficult when you want him to hurt as much as you do. I vividly recall those days!

Doublebarrelled
It sounds as though you are in a good place after walking through a major storm. The pain does subside - it is all to consuming to start and I did not think I would ever smile or laugh again. I cooked a roast on the day of discovery and went to work the following day as normal. I do not know how I kept it together but I did.

Many mumsnetters see affairs as very black and white but like everything else in life there are shades of grey

As someone who stayed and know exactly what its like to go through this and fight for it to work, I do believe it's black and white. I've seen every excuse for cheating in the book listed on mumsnet and none were a good reason to cheat. There's never a good reason to do it and knowing what I know now, there's never really a reason to stay either. It does get better in that you stop reliving it, but trust never comes back fully.

But as far as the black and white fall back, we are all entitled to our opinions of how we see affairs. Some people think others ridiculous excuses justified an affair, I'm yet to see one that does. It's hurtful, I'm still hurt. So I will give people the advice I should have taken myself, I know I lack self esteem etc and now I've wasted and ruined my life. Up to others if they want to do the same but I'm still going to give advice based on my personal experience having been there. Unlike others who haven't experienced it and are often the loudest voices....

@PersonaNonGarter that is a really stupid and unhelpful thing to say. Having kids is irrelevant in the final outcome. It's how the kids live day in, day out. A house full of arguments and resentful ness is no way to bring up children. Is the OP and her husband decide they can work through it then great, and if they can't and decide to split then great. Honesty, health and happiness is key here, not staying together 'cause they have kids'. The children will not benefit from 2 people being together just cause they exist.

It’s neither stupid nor unhelpful.

All good parents, like the OP, would include disruption to DC as a factor in decision making. It might not be the overriding deciding factor, but it should be a factor.

And being a single parent etc is hard. And other issues. I’m not saying don’t LTB, just that it is responsible to look to see if it can be salvaged.

Do you really think you can trust someone who lied to you for so long? Your self esteem will be ruined. Cheaters usually become serial cheaters and of course it’s easier the second time as they have even less respect for you and of course there is a good chance you’d take him back again.

Better I think to move on with dignity. Stay civil and friendly by all means for children’s sake and your own. Let him spend the rest of his life respecting you and regretting what he did. I know people who stayed and people who split up and the ones who spilt got back to a good place faster.

I would say to you that at 3 weeks in you have no idea what you want or how your mind will even process it in a few weeks !

3 weeks is NOT the amount of time that it takes to discover, assimilate and process

While I applaud your actions to try to recover from this swiftly I fear that you are barely into the whole process . This from someone who has been there .

People can have personal experiences of affairs without being with someone who has had it done it to them, I was the DC of a father who had many. Yes, my DM stayed and he continued having affairs and then left her. So I have very strong views about men who do that, of the people I know who stayed with a cheat they continued to cheat and it was known about publicly. Cringing. I applaud those on here that have spent years trying to recover from there DH betrayal and now feel all is well in there relationship and are almost proud of announcing on here how there relationship has recovered, I wish you well. Not something I could and would do as I can’t stay with someone who would betray me like that. As for the OP she will have to work through this nightmare on her own and maybe the best advice is telling her to take her time as she is still in shock.

I have to say I agree with @TheStuffedPenguin 3 weeks is barely out of the eye of the storm, you may find the initial shock and heartbreak and adrenaline is starting to wear off but these things take far far longer to deal with.

I still deal with anxiety and we still have conversations 18 months down the line (I'm in a tricky position as he still works with the OW and we have no option in that due to penalties in his contract).

However on average these things take 2 years to heal with both parties working hard. If they ever completely do.

The best I can describe it right now is that our relationship is dinted in that one spot but otherwise it's been upgraded to something better and stronger. That dint is slowly getting more shallow but it's slow and there will always be a mark there.

I feel at the moment OP is crises bonding with her husband. They are not getting to the real issue of why he cheated and why this relationship continued for so long.

He must have had feelings for the OW, this was an 18month affair.

When the dust settles I feel your both start to process your feeling more in a calm way.

Op if you love each other and with good communication you can get through this and become better for it.
Seen people in real life do this.

There are different type of affairs.

A. Serial cheater- LTB
B. Exit affair. Me and ex argued
Nearly every day - he was / still is a workaholic. Our relationship wasn't working and a new baby added to the pressure. With ab exit affairs the person lines up someone else ,makes sure it's working then you split up. (Used to call the ow the shoe horn girl I think )
C. The MLC affair. This is usually a long relationship with a good man. The affair is out of character.

If the relationship had previously been good then this type of affair can usually be recovered from.
Takes a lot of work

Not all cheaters are serial cheaters. I have not direct experience but I have lived it closely through my sister's marriage, which recovered from infidelity. They both worked hard at rebuilding trust and I think they are closer than they were before. Each story is different though. My sister was the unfaithful part.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts. To reiterate I haven’t forgiven and forgotten or even decided that the relationship will survive. I’m still evaluating how I feel. Refusing to even consider the possibility of reconciling and what it would take to do that and the pain vs benefit is in itself a decision though so I don’t agree that I am rushing too fast. My feelings change from day to day.

I thought the analysis of the different types of affair helpful. I do very much feel this was a MLC affair - I’d been mentally describing it as that since I first found out about it. That doesn’t get away from the fact that it lasted a long time.

I will see a solicitor and I will get a snapshot of our finances now and make sure I have my exit fund available if I need it. I also think it’s a good idea for me to speak to a therapist of my own so I will set that up too. I’ve only told two people IRL both of whom are thankfully being supportive without offering any opinion as to what I should do longer term. Some of the responses on this thread have confirmed my thoughts that I won’t tell any other friends IRL nor the kids at this point.

I'm sorry to say that I believe that you would never be closer than before but that could just be me and the experience of friends who have gone through it . It is always there . Some people just choose to stay because its convenient money wise , sunk cost fallacy ( no other woman is getting what I have) or because they are scared to go it alone.

That post was meant in general as a reply to MonnaLlza

Hi. I don't have experience of this in terms of hubby wanting to work on the marriage as mine left for OW earlier this year bit what I can say is that if he came back I would also want to work through it xx like you says going to be tough however I think us women tend to see the bigger picture. Our family, and of you love someone it's worth the fight. I feel sometimes marriage can feel so disposable and you have to really work at it sometimes xx I hope all goes well for you and make sure you look after yourself xx

Women see the bigger picture ? Yes you are right . Men think about themselves first and their new woman if there is one . I know a woman who has been separated from her H for 4 years ( he has another woman ) and she isn't pushing the divorce as she would still take him back

Yea I know men also see the bigger picture I just wonder whether women take more into account sometimes, I don't know really it's just my thoughts... 😂 When my hubby left he just spoke about how difficult he found everything so yes I think they become blinkered but these things happen don't they and people either leave or work on it maybe with the same outcome down the line but at least you've tried xx

Also I think your idea about seeing a solicitor is s good idea.. Its good to have all options open