Rebuilding marriage after infidelity

[Katrinawaves]

I’m 3 weeks in from having discovered that my husband was having an affair with someone for 18 months. He’s broken it off, is remorseful and attentive and desperate to make things work. We’ve started attending couple counselling together and he’s also having individual therapy. We’re trying to make time to actively be together rather than just mindlessly watch TV together in the evenings but I have to go away for work for a few days next week.

For those who have been in this horrible situation and made it out the other side, what advice can you give. What worked or harmed the process. We’ve been married for a long time and have 3 children together (youngest still at primary school) so there are lots of reasons to try to forgive and get past this if I can.

You should have counselling on your own, just so you can have someone to process what’s going on by yourself. I think that’s very important.

You won't ever trust him again 100%
And for a good reason because one day you will find out he will do exactly the same thing no matter what you say, what he says and whatever bullshit counselling you go to.
By forgiving him you have given him the get out of jail free card.
He will hide it better than before that's all.
He just can't help it.
That's my experience.

Hi Katrina, I’m five years on and still sticking with it. It’s hard but getting a bit easier. I’m not sure I have processed everything to be honest or if I just keep swimming. Maybe one day I will wake up and think fuck it, I’m done but I haven’t yet (kids involved too). We tried counselling, together and separately. I also had a counsellor tell me that it happened because of me and I just walked out of that session and never went back. That’s not true. It’s not your fault in any way. He chose to go and do what he did rather than talk to you. It’s hard not to throw it back at him during every argument which I did for a long time. But eventually you get days when you forget it’s even happened. Don’t do anything rash, take it one day at a time and do not make any promises to him. Happy to chat.

Oh, he's definitely genuinely sorry he got caught, that's for certain.

I’m 12 years in op .
Feel free to message me

How did you catch him?

Thank you @inaPearlJam

1:1 counselling may be a good idea if I can find someone who will work with me to help me work out what I want.

@EnglishRose13 I found a suspicious receipt and asked him about it. He admitted it all immediately. He could have lied about the length of the relationship but didn’t.

I was with my ex for 28 years. Doesn't make any difference, please don't consider that in your decision.

It sounds to me that you are currently in denial and only hearing what you want to, I know, I was the same. The truth is really not nice to admit.

He's not a good man. It wasn't a momentary lapse, it was 18 months. And would have continued if you hadn't found out. Stop sticking up for him. Stick up for yourself.

Katrina Yes, he could have reduced the length of his affair. He was probably relieved in a way that you found out - so much effort must have gone into hiding, lying and cheating for that length of time.

As others have said, counselling 121 will help your emotions. Joint counselling will focus on both of you. Be selfish and focus on yourself. Let dh attend counselling 121 to explore himself.

18 months.

OP, it's all down to how much you value yourself.

Do you want to shackle yourself forever to someone who could care and love you so little, and disrespect you so much, that he could lie and lie and lie again and again for 18 months?

Good luck to you if you can. You shouldn't. You are worth so much more.

And here's to all the couples who 'mindlessly watch tv' in the evenings when they are knackered, yet somehow manage to not cheat on their spouses.

I can't eye roll hard enough

Turning the TV off and spending time doing activities together was my idea @christmasfluff. If that makes you roll your eyes so be it. I wasn’t suggesting that watching TV had any part in him choosing to be unfaithful but mentioned it in the context of changes which we were making to try to help us rebuild our relationship in the short term.

I totally agree with what @Aquamarine1029 has said. Also, he's in control of all of this but making you think you are! He thinks you're weak and has a total lack of respect for you. I don't doubt he loves you but what's that got to do with it when clearly it's not about how much he loves you, but how he respects you. You've been mugged off for 18mths and although he's said he's ended the relationship, he's still mugging you off. You have to ask yourself if you want to make it work for the right reasons. If it's for the kids, then are you likely to end it when they've grown up? You'll only live with resentment and wish you'd got rid years before. If you're doing it because you can't bear to be on your own and throw away all those years, then again, I feel he knows he's in control because he knows you can't live without him. In that case, I think he'll do it again and one day he may choose to leave you? I'm sorry I can't be more supportive about you deciding to make it work, as I really don't believe it can work. I know there are some out there that will have had success in rebuilding their marriage but how will you ever really know that he's stopped cheating? Will he just get better at hiding it because he learns from the mistakes he made this time.

Apologies if you have said this already but what did he say was the reason for the affair? Was it something that could easily be the reason for another one in the future? Eg. Ego-boosting attention. I would have thought living apart for a few weeks at least for you both to decide on the best course going forward. Good luck anyway.

I also get completely that he has disrespected me, not shown me love, devalued our relationship and feel shit enough about all of that already. I’m not so far in denial not to be experiencing this every day and don’t really need everyone to point this out to me!

The aim of the original post was to find ways of getting through the initial few months without making an irreversible knee jerk decision one way or another. I haven’t said I’ve forgiven him or that I don’t value myself. Equally I have a child who would be devastated by the split and we have a lot of shared history together. So I want to give myself some processing time and work out what’s right for me which may but may not be the same choice that others make in the same circumstances

Have you told friends and family what's happened? I would ask him to move out for now to give you space.

Hello OP.

There seem to me a lot of knee-jerk reactions here which you seem able to rise above, so you are already in a good place to gradually process, in your own time, this devastating betrayal.

I say that not to understate the huge impact of your H's infidelity, but in recognition of its (sad and unfortunate) place where it now sits in the long history of your relationship.

The first question for you, which I think you've answered already, is what do you want? What outcome? From what you've posted I think you love this man and value the family life you share.

I stayed. I am 16 years past that great chasm. It was a long and painful road to where we are today, only made possible by my commitment to my commitment (because I loved him, and above all I wanted my children's secure family life to continue), together with his genuine, heartfelt, utterly convincing regret at what was really nothing more than a cliched midlife crisis.

It sounds like your H is equally remorseful, and was immediately, which helps now and will continue to help you over time.

Over the next few months and years he needs to be consistent - in demonstrating to you that he understands the enormous hurt he has caused (this is crucial, his empathy for the pain he has caused) and also he needs to explore why he strayed - what weakness in him led him to seek to have his ego boosted outside the marriage.

I'm not sure couples counselling necessarily helps. For example, Relate seem to emphasise the mutual responsibility for infidelity. In my experience, and that of many others, that take on things is simply not true and can be really unfair to the betrayed partner - seeking to apportion blame where no blame lies. Sometimes it really is down to out of character feelings of insecurity that have arisen out of the blue (mid-life crisis) within the individual that has strayed.

One thing I am certain of is that what my H did was genuinely out of character. He was going through a strange time of stress and lack of sleep through long hours travelling to work. He wasn't thinking straight and instead of trusting me with his dark state of mind, he wrongly sought refuge elsewhere. It wasn't about me or our marriage, it was about his inner childhood demons that rose up in mid-life.

I don't know if any of this helps you, but I know for sure that my H will never betray me ever again and he is genuinely sorry for the hurt he caused during what was a whirlwind mental aberration. He looks back on that time like it was another person in his skin. He can't believe it of himself, and really, looking back at him before that time, and ever since, neither can I.

When you say he could have lied about the length of the affair but didn't, how do you know he hasn't minimised it to 18 months? Do you have proof that it's only 18 months? He's obviously an accomplished liar.

Yes. I know exactly when he met her, how it started and how often they met. We’ve reconstructed the whole thing from credit card receipts and emails. Although it was 18 months from start to discovery, the actual meetings were very sporadic over that period - 9 over the whole period.

I am coming up to 2 years since I found out about my husband's affair.

It has been bloody hard. Someone else mentioned there are days you don't think about it. That is true, the other day I realised I hadn't thought about it in a few days. The next day, all is good and I was in a positive mood, then I had an almighty trigger and it hit me harder than anything.

I read once that the 2nd year is the hardest and for me personally, the last few days have taken me back to somewhere I don't want to be again. This week has been truly awful - tears, no sleep, feeling pretty sh1t in myself and needless to say, I've avoided OH at all costs. I can't even bring myself to look at him and he keeps asking what he's done - I just want to scream!!!

Good luck with whatever path you choose. I think whatever you decide, know there is no magic fix and it does require a lot of patience on both sides in order for it to work.

Hugs @TayTaylor. You sound like a brave and strong woman. Thank you for sharing x

If you are trying to understand the ‘whys’ - look up Esther Perel - her TED talks and Rethinking Infidelity book.
She works with couples going through infidelity and has a lots of insights.

To @humblebumblebees point on couples counselling - we did it and initially I used it as a place to just say how I felt, how it all affected me and initially I thought it was doing more damage than good but after we got through the getting things off our chest stage, it was about working on communication. We used to go fortnightly for the first few months then once a month and now we go as and when. I had my own sessions too as I felt totally overwhelmed with everything and he is now seeing someone too for a few other issues.

If you choose counselling, don't got merely on cost (as I know it can get pricey). Have a look at reviews and even ask our community for recommendations for those in your area.

@Katrinawaves thank you, just a bit sh1t but when kids are involved its a natural want to try for them. Hoping this feeling eases off soon (she says as I've set up camp on the sofa to avoid sleeping next to him tonight!)