Rebuilding marriage after infidelity

[Katrinawaves]

I’m 3 weeks in from having discovered that my husband was having an affair with someone for 18 months. He’s broken it off, is remorseful and attentive and desperate to make things work. We’ve started attending couple counselling together and he’s also having individual therapy. We’re trying to make time to actively be together rather than just mindlessly watch TV together in the evenings but I have to go away for work for a few days next week.

For those who have been in this horrible situation and made it out the other side, what advice can you give. What worked or harmed the process. We’ve been married for a long time and have 3 children together (youngest still at primary school) so there are lots of reasons to try to forgive and get past this if I can.

@TheStuffedPenguin thank you for your thoughts and I can't respond for my sister but wonder if it's different when women are unfaithful? Maybe men can get over it better than we can? I feel on thin ice as am speaking for others and not for myself but my BIL seems to have taken it massively as a wake up call (his words not mine).

With huge apologies to everyone who feels that I should not speak because I only have second hand experience of this. I am very close to my sister and just wanted to relate a message of hope.

Excellent choice about seeing a solicitor, Katrina. As said, no decisions have to be made in haste, but from experience I think you'll find it quite liberating to know exactly where you'd stand if you choose to divorce

So much has been done without your choice or input that it also feels good to have someone on your side who's "just for you", so to speak

Also very wise to tell only selected people right now, and from the sound of it you've chosen well. Again, you need someone to talk to who's going to be sensible, but not to have a chorus of outraged babbling at this early stage

Katrinawaves 💐
As others have said, it’s early days and I remember that raw feeling, you will never forget it.

My DH had a long term affair and we’ve come through it. It absolutely can be done.

There’s been some excellent advice from those who have also been through it and come out the other side. There are also many posts from those who didn’t come through it. Only YOU can decide what works for you and every single situation is different.

I have heaps of advice but it’s such early days for you. Accept that your marriage will never be the same again but that doesn’t mean you can’t rebuild a different happy marriage with the same person. The advantage of having what you know destroyed is that you start from scratch. Many marriages would benefit from that tbh!! I’m living my best life now.

Fochit Congratulations on working things out with your DH and after a long term affair too. You seem to be in such a good place which will no doubt encourage op. I too believe it is possible.

Can I ask how you healed?
How long did it take to forgive your dh?
When did the gut pain/ache go?

I think all you can do is take it one day at a time. There will be days it's all you can think about then one day you'll wake up and realise it's been a couple of weeks since you last thought about it. I don't think it will ever completely go though

Also make sure it isn't you doing all the trying - he's got a lot to make up for and so he should be the one that's putting in a lot more effort

Have a realistic conversation with him that it's something you may never be able to get past in which case weeks or months from now you may decide to end it. This will make you feel like the empowered one in the relationship

@TheStuffedPenguin I would say my relationship must buck that trend. We are most certainly stronger now and closer. We have a much more honest relationship and he has grown up a metric fuck tonne.

He's a better person now let alone a better husband. He's a better friend, better worker, better family member, better parent. He's learnt a lot about himself that when he really faced it he didn't like at all.

It's like the bubble burst, I lost my rose tinted specs and he stopped living his life as a victim who is owed the world, and we see each other and ourselves for who we are and were. That created a much deeper bond and connection than we ever had and very much validated our reasons to be together.

We have no "reason" to stay together that's practical, money or another, both independent. We chose to stay together. I chose first. He chose later ironically. His was a 6 month emotional affair with a colleague.

Faith50

Can I ask how you healed?
It’s hard to answer this concisely because it was a long process. Much of it was down to DH’s support and my own mindset.

How long did it take to forgive your dh?
The truth is I haven’t forgiven and can’t see that I ever will. He will never forgive himself.
I have accepted it and understand how/why it happened.

When did the gut pain/ache go?
It’s still there sometimes but it doesn’t dominate my life. It happened and I will never forget it and being together or not wouldn’t change that. There will always be triggers in the same way things remind me of other major events in my life. Time heals and you just cope.

fochit

I appreciate your answers.

You truly believe the gut ache will never go but it does. The more spouses work together, the faster the healing.

Forgiveness is difficult and can take a long time. Trust can be rebuilt over time.

You will never forget but it does not consume you in the same way. It does not take away your breath, joy or peace as in the beginning.

Reading posts on mumsnet has helped me tremendously. Knowing other women have experienced the same helps.

I can't even begin to imagine how you would ever be able to even think about having sex with him again after him dipping his dick in some other woman for 18 months!!

The only reason he broke it off is because he got caught. He's only remorseful because he got caught. I could NEVER come back from that.

emmetgirl
You don’t know that

havingagiggle
So your partner never ‘dipped his dick’ in anyone else before you?

Honestly, unless you have been in the OP’s position you have NO idea how you would react.

@Fochit not since we got together, no

Before you?

How many women did he ‘dip his dick in’ then. I deliberately haven’t added a question mark because I really don’t want to know the answer. I also suspect you don’t really know.

@Fochit my husband wasn’t a virgin when I met him and I wouldn’t have expected him to have been! However, like other PPs, there is absolutely no way in hell I would sleep with or forgive him for infidelity let alone an 18 month physical affair. It’s a self respect issue apart from anything else and sex with others before we met and during our marriage are in no way the same.

I have to agree unless you've been there like the OP you really don't know how you would react. Maybe he's remorseful because he's......remorseful think if be more worried if he wasn't... But at the end of the day only the OP can decide and whatever makes her happy is her decision x

I agree it’s not the same but I think you can see what I’m getting at. I also know that until you have been in this situation to have no idea how you will react or respond. I would have said no way too, but I’m still here.

What I don’t understand is why so many posters have such a smug attitude and seem to enjoy pointing out the bleeding obvious. The OP is perfectly aware of what happened so there is no need to be unnecessarily cruel. This ‘twisting the knife’ doesn’t happen in other situations.

@emmetgirl how on earth would you know? Do you know him personally?

Of course it starts out as fuck I've been caught. Just like any human caught doing something they shouldn't.

It does evolve though. My husband experiences a lot of shame over what he did, still, and a great deal of pain for the decisions he made. He deals with all that himself and only speaks about his feelings if I ask him or in therapy.

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP

I too managed to get past DH’s infidelity, which happened a little over five years ago.

For the first year at least, things were hell. I felt as though I could never trust him again and that he would certainly cheat again. I hated him and seriously considered leaving several times.

But he truly grovelled.

What saved our marriage was his willingness to be transparent in every sense, ie. I had full control of his finances, his phone, emails, absolutely anything you can think of. It was impossible for him to cheat even if he wanted to because he insisted on never going anywhere without me. He was desperate to rebuild trust and even suggested I put a tracking device or some kind of recording device on him for when he went to work! I never felt the need to go that far, but the fact that he was entirely open with everything was the best thing he could have done. He spent months never going anywhere but work, where he said I was free to call him on his landline whenever I wanted, and I often did, so that was a huge sign to me that he was truly remorseful.

Now we are in a very happy place. I hardly ever think back to those times. He is trustworthy, seriously regrets his past disgusting behaviour and I don’t feel the need to call him at work or to worry if he goes out without me, (which he still rarely does!)

The fact that I can honestly say I trust him again should give you some hope OP.

Hang in there, and if it doesn’t work then you’ll never feel bad for not trying.

@CakeAndCustardPlease thank you for posting, stories like yours give me such a boost

@doublebarrellednurse You’re welcome! Thank you to you as well. Honestly, you see so many LTBs on here - and of course in some situations that is a no brainier. But if I hadn’t given my marriage another chance then I wouldn’t have three beautiful children now! (Yes, we have three children under four - one set of twins!)

I want others to know that it IS possible to get past something like this, but it all depends on the will of your partner to change.

I’m not going to pretend we are a perfect couple btw, like many we have our ups and downs, but I can genuinely say I am very happy being married to him, all loved up again, and so unbelievably glad I didn’t LTB!

CakeAndCustardPlease 😊

^^Really? I couldn't live like that. That sounds like a nightmare of suffocation not a healthy relationship.
It's all about control not trust.
It's also not him taking responsibility or action but rather you.

There are some really comforting and inspiring stories on here. Thanks to those who shared their own experiences

I’ve been reading Not just Friends today and finding this resonates with me too. One of the lines which I identified with was that if you leave the marriage immediately you discover the affair you leave at the lowest point and may always wonder afterwards if you made a mistake. If you try for a few months to overcome the affair, but ultimately decide to separate, you know that you are leaving something behind which could not be fixed or which you didn’t want to fix, and in the longer term will be happier about your decision.

Hope you manage to get some sleep. Look after yourself in all off this x