Rebuilding marriage after infidelity

[Katrinawaves]

I’m 3 weeks in from having discovered that my husband was having an affair with someone for 18 months. He’s broken it off, is remorseful and attentive and desperate to make things work. We’ve started attending couple counselling together and he’s also having individual therapy. We’re trying to make time to actively be together rather than just mindlessly watch TV together in the evenings but I have to go away for work for a few days next week.

For those who have been in this horrible situation and made it out the other side, what advice can you give. What worked or harmed the process. We’ve been married for a long time and have 3 children together (youngest still at primary school) so there are lots of reasons to try to forgive and get past this if I can.

@MMmomDD thanks for sharing, I will give that a go

Normally I’m somewhat in favour of trying to preserve the marriage after cheating but 18 months isn’t cheating. 18 months is a whole relationship. He probably loved or cared for the woman in question. It couldn’t have just been simple lust or just for sex. While that may be hard to hear, it’s honestly the truth.
Your relationship won’t ever be the same again. He’ll almost certainly cheat again.

We did and survived,
Dh had an affair, I found out, actually everyone else knew bar me(pub landlady) I chose to stay as I loved my dh and our family and we were better together than apart, 2 years on and it's hard still at times, it broke me I won't lie, but I've recovered,

It's a long road he will have to rebuild trust, change the old ways, I can safely say our marriage now has never been stronger, or happier, but it came at a cost, we have now what we should have had always,

Small steps, communication, and he has to be worth it too you,

Aww isn't he sweet, remorseful... Yeh right.

For those who have been in this horrible situation and made it out the other side, what advice can you give.

Leave. Just leave.

That's my advice to anyone in the situation I found myself in and stayed.

18 months is a long time, he's remorseful because he got caught or that it's over (maybe she ended it and he's upset about that who knows).
You only know what he tells you, he will tell you what you want to hear so he can stay where he is.

For you, you will never 100% trust him again. Ever. It is how it is. You'll always be wondering what he's up to when not home, working back, on work trips etc.

Most of us who "get through it" look completely happy to the rest of the world. My family and closest friends would describe us as happy, meant to be, got through it and are stonger, etc. But that's what I want them to think.

It ruined my life. My self esteem. Everything. I am who I am, depressed, anxious, suicidal at times, etc because of that. But no one knows it. Not even him because I'd never bring it up again this far down the track.

You won't be any different to the rest of us who stayed and have been damaged by it.

And you had to make him choose, aren't you the winner then, he picked you... Wow.... You're already showing he has the power here. You don't make the choice he gets to. He's the lying cheating SOB but he gets to choose. Lovely. Wait until the next person comes along and he does the same, so you do the pick me dance again. Maybe you can keep being the winner, he definitely doesn't sound like a prize I'd want to win.

One night stand, possible to forgive and get on.

18 months of deceit and utter contempt for you - nope sorry, it's over. Have more self respect and ditch him.

I think the people who have made it out the other side are very few and far between...and they go through years of hell to get there. It just doesn't seem worth it to me.

There are so many women who say they tried for years and then just ended it anyway, and wished they had ended it when they found out. Instead they just put themselves through all the misery of trying to make it work for years and years and years, and then it doesn't work out anyway. It's no way to live.

Focusing on you the individual here for a moment and thinking about something that might be helpful to you in the long run... That disconnection from your emotions and difficulty/slowness in feeling them and processing them is, as you recognise, a legacy of childhood abuse and complex trauma.

Have you heard of Trauma Sensitive Yoga? It's very different to conventional yoga (if you took it up to get fit you'd probably be disappointed) and can seem a little odd in the beginning, but it can really help you reconnect with yourself and your ability to process your emotions.

You can read about it online, but one book I would recommend off the top of my head is Overcoming Trauma Through Yoga (David Emerson). It's an easy read and contains yoga practice you can do at home. People had mentioned and talked about Trauma Sensitive Yoga with me for a while but it didn't really make sense to me until I read that book, then it clicked. (Plus it contained other ideas I found useful.)

Won't change things overnight, but with consistent (ish) practice over the longer term you could find it helpful and notice a difference in how easily you can find your own emotions and deal with them. It gradually helps you to tune into the little sensations you experience at any one time, which over time helps you be more connected to yourself and able to notice what you're feeling and make sense of it.

Not sure how well I'm explaining this, which is why I've included the name of a book. You can always read the free sample on Amazon if it sounds potentially useful if only my explanation was a bit clearer!

I know this isn't what you posted about, but it seems like it ties in to how this current situation will affect you in the months to come - and may also be generally useful to you in your life - so I just wanted to mention it so you could explore it if you so wished.

And I can understand why you would want to wait to make any decisions when you know your feelings won't catch up with you for a little while.

First of all I'm sorry that you are going through this. You will be on a rollercoaster for a while, one minute loving him and the next minute hating him and that's okay. No one knows whether it will work or not, one thing that I can tell you is that it will never be the same relationship again, it doesn't mean it can't be good but it will be different. Remember, a good man and father doesn't lie and cheat

Why would you even want to be with someone who had cheated on you for an entire 18 months? That's not a ONS that meant nothing - but FWIW I wouldn't be able to forgive that, either.

It takes a good two years as a minimum to process, accept and learn how to move on after your partner has had an affair. There are so many emotions that you will go through. I found this book really helped me
www.amazon.co.uk/How-Can-Ever-Trust-Again-ebook/dp/B007Z4SBUA/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?keywords=andrew+g+marshall+books&sprefix=Andrew+G+&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1572726297&sr=8-1
You need to find the right marriage counsellor. You must use one who you feel comfortable with and you like their approach to dealing with this type of problem. You may find counselling helps you to decide to leave your partner but even if that is the case, it is a step forward to moving on in your life. Good luck. It's not an easy road but there are plenty of people who go through this and end up stronger.

@SunshineAngel why does waiting to explore this further automatically mean I have no respect or value for myself?

I’ve been through tough periods and periods of depression in my life and have made my share of mistakes. If I come to the conclusion that this was what caused my OH’s behaviour and I can get past it, that’s my decision to make surely? Or to decide that 18 months is too long to forgive.

Those of you being unpleasant and castigating me for having to respect for myself might want to have a think about why you are saying this to someone who has been very clear that she understands the enormity of what’s been done to her and the distress it is currently causing but has articulated good reasons to wait and see before making a decision. These posts don’t feel like tough love or advice

Thank you for everyone who has been kind and supportive in how they have worded their posts even if the advice has been that the best solution is to leave. I am reading and thinking about everything which has been said but choosing to ignore the posters who seem to just want to cause hurt with no advice behind what they are saying.

*no respect not to respect

I’m not good at processing emotions and grief. I come across to others as calm and in control but usually end up becoming ill months after the event. Not sure how to not bottle things up really. The legacy of a fairly abusive childhood sadly

You could have been me posting, Katrina, and I was 32 years in when it happened so can totally empathise

If I may, I'd suggest the crucial things to remember are these: You don't have to do anything at all until you're good and ready ... What he is at this stage (not blaming you/the marriage,etc) isn't necessarily what he'll be if this doesn't go his way ... And he's already way ahead of you in employing whatever emotional detachment he feels necessary

Only you can choose what to tolerate long term, but I learned that it's not the original deceit or even the anguished aftermath which kills it in the end - it's the hideous, gnawing doubt every time he's late, every time he seems a bit "off it" and even every time the man you thought you knew touches you

That's what can leave you a hollowed out shell of what you once were, and I sincerely hope you won't let it happen to you too

Some of the posts on here have been bizarre. OP, you sound amazing and absolutely not minimising or naive or lacking in self-respect.

Life is complicated and hard. It you have DC of course you must try to fix it. Good luck.

@Katrinawaves I'm not sure if you're getting my post confused with someone else's, but where the actual hell did I say you had no respect for yourself? If could show me where I said that, or anything like it, that would be great. All I said was that I wouldn't be able to forgive it, and asked why you want to. That's all. Nothing about self respect. You can't post a thread and expect no questions. It's a huge thing to have your husband create an entire relationship behind your back, and I was just saying I couldn't forgive that. It wouldn't matter what we tried. In reference to your post, of COURSE it's your decision. All I asked was why. Sorry but I think you've overreacted about what I said. No offence was meant.

If you have DC of course you must try and fix it! Really? My DM stuck it out with my DF who left her after she stuck it out. Me and myself sisters left with a feeling of abandonment and being left with long lasting feelings of anxiety, not being good enough and the list goes on. You should never use the excuse that your DC

Something you could do to help you through it is see a solicitor and talk through your options if you divorce. At the moment, the idea of divorce is unknown and frightening - you don't even want to look at it, let alone think about practical steps - but it will help you to see clearly and understand the legal and financial process.

You are currently trying to see if you can repair your marriage. Having information about the choice ahead of you will help - and if you do decide to stay, it will be a choice made with full knowledge of your options.

Hi Katrina, I stayed but mainly because what I found out was 11 years previous and we have a very long marriage. All I will say is I am amazed you are relatively calm, I'm a pretty calm person but my H had to say he couldn't go out at night with me for first three months because every time ended up with me in an absolute hissy piss at him in public. It does lessen I guess and I am 3 years now post finding out , although I am still not sure I have the whole truth. Don t be surprised to find that by about month 3 he will expect it to be a 'non mentionable subject' , it's almost a case of 'well you haven't left so you have to forgive and forget and move on' . All I can say is it's never mentioned but I've never really forgiven or forgotten and whilst I still care about him a lot, it's not as much as before. I became less co dependent and far less accepting of shitty behaviour and more aware of making sure I had an emergency fund!! I'm just being honest, if you stay, take your time, actions speak more than words and protect yourself.

You have been a bit too forgiving considering it’s only 3 weeks. I bet he can’t believe his luck!

It's so easy to say "if this ever happened to me I'd leave" etc.
But life is so much more complicated and leaving isn't always so simple.

Like you OP, my DH had an affair for around be 18 months. I found out for myself that there was certainly an emotional affair going on. But later he confessed to me is was a complete sexual affair.
It was supposed to be a bit of fun for him and ultimately it got way to serious and he broke it off, came home and completely broke down confessing everything.

I'll be honest, it was his breakdown confession that gave me pause for thought and made me take the time to listen to his side. It was so out of character and the remorse was definitely genuine. That's what made me decide to work on repairing our marriage.

Like you, we tried to look long and hard at the root causes. We could put it down to the birth of our first DS. Family dynamic changed, I had a traumatic birth and probably mild PND and, while it's not a great excuse, at a time when we should have sought support in each other we ended up pushing each other away.

Anyway, 3 weeks in is early days and you're going to go up and down at some really random points. You're going to get angry occasionally and occasionally really quite gloomy.

We didn't seek outside councillors in the end but did look into as much advice and forums online as we could.
DH made massive efforts to look at forums for people who had cheated on their partner for advice on where to go from there and how to cut out the OW.

Most importantly we talked endlessly about what happened. We went over things again and again. He talked to me about what was going on in his head (I've never known him so open!) And I talked about what I was feeling.
We just never stopped talking to each other. Trying to understand each other as well as make it clear where we both were in our heads each day.

It's been over a year since he confessed and I won't lie, it's been REALLY hard! We've both worked at this like never before.
It's fair to say that we're not the same couple as we were before, but that doesn't mean we're necessarily worse. We talk MUCH more than we used to. We've discovered different sides to each other and actually laugh more than we did.

If he has to spend any time away with work I still make it clear that I worry and old feelings get stirred up. He does his best to assure me of where he is, who he's with and usually sends me pictures of what he's up to (I know that might sound odd to some but it helps us).

This turned out to be longer than I meant (sorry ).
In short I guess I'm saying that if you are both prepared to work very hard at making it work and there is still love between you then it is possible to forge a new relationship. It will be slightly different but hopefully not always in a worse way.

I'll never forget what happened but I have forgiven.

I found out my soon to be exh had cheated. He denied it but all the evidence was there. It was part of the reason we split 2 years later.
Give yourself time.
Hope you find happiness whatever you do

Whendoesthewashingend What an encouraging post. You are just over a year out and write with such optimism. The fact that your dh broke down and confessed all must have helped with your healing.

You write that the last year has been hard on both of you. Thank you for being honest It really is no walk in the park but when you look back at where you were initially and where you are now they are worlds apart - for me anyway.

I am sure this will provide the op with some hope.

Op best of luck
Many mumsnetters see affairs as very black and white but like everything else in life there are shades of grey xx

Are you sleeping together? Be wary of hysterical bonding.