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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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952 replies

Dior · 17/08/2007 13:32

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
Paddlechick666 · 26/09/2007 10:30

ps: thing is, his ex has often refused access and he takes it as an even bigger reason to retreat into himself and play the victim and wallow in the self pity of being denied his kids.

he has been unable to explain to me why he does that over his other kids but consistantly fails to see dd even tho he has always had unlimited access available to him.

Baffy · 26/09/2007 10:47

ernest I agree with pc - definitely go, explain your situation, and even if it's just a couple of hour sessions the counsellor may be able to help give you a few key things to think about and work on. Definitely worth a try.

pc I cannot believe he didn't show up again actually, I can. This has just gone way too far - I do agree that if you stop the access it gives him that excellent excuse to retreat and play the victim. But you can't carry on like this it's killing you.
Is it time you need to get a solicitor or something and get the access formalised? That way you have a concrete argument if he continues to let dd down?

You know how strongly I believe in fighting for marriage and working to keep things amicable for all involved. And I have never ever said this before. But I really think the time has come for you to put your foot down with him and start to move things forward, without him. As hard as that will be, (and you know I understand!), I really think that it has gone on too long with no sign of improvement and why should you suffer forever?

If it is meant to be, and he comes back eventually, then it will happen. But being amicable, supporting him, and putting up with it all just isn't working. We aren't talking months here, but years. I beg you to start looking after yourself. You don't deserve this

Read the post:
By Anniegetyourgun on Fri 31-Aug-07 12:26:27 . It helped me a lot. Thinking of you

ernest · 26/09/2007 10:47

ah yes, I'd forgotten about that, I suppose it does put a different spin on things, but at the same time, maybe you have to put that other family out of your mind and make decisions purely on what's best for you & dd, irrespective of H's experiences with other ex's. If he does retreat more into himself and feel more sorry for himself, well, tbh, it doesn't sound like it would have that big and impact or make so much difference - maybe he would stay away for 4 months instead of 3? Maybe it mighjt make him fight for his right to see her?

Baffy · 26/09/2007 10:51

ernest meant to answer your Q about the holiday sorry - went on a family holiday to Spain. Had a lovely time, ds loved every second of it and there were lots of other children to play with. I missed H dreadfully though, being a single parent is hard work (ds had a tummy bug half way through and it's so difficult when there is no-one to share the sleepless nights and endless dirty nappies with!), even just a cuddle and some moral support would have been enough!

Oh well, I guess this is the life I have to get used to now. But as long as ds is happy and healthy then that's all I can wish for

Dior · 26/09/2007 17:28

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
sallysparrow · 26/09/2007 18:30

Hi Baffy, glad you had a good hol. Shame its over! When do you start the new job?

PC - that is so crap. How can he do this to your DD who sounds so lovely? I just dont understand some people.

Ernest, sorry about your MIL. Did you get the counselling thing sorted out?

McD, Sugar, anyone else - how are you?

XP is now that, as he has moved out. Still feels wierd though, as he keeps popping round to pick things up. Mostly I feel a bit numb, except when the clutter starts to get me down.

I am trying to sort out the house and rearrange things a bit, but its pretty difficult with work and everything.

One thing I noticed today which I thought was a bit sad - DD doesnt bother to kiss X goodbye when he drops her back! Only if he asks for a kiss.

Dior · 26/09/2007 19:11

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
sugar34plum · 27/09/2007 11:29

ss how are you dealing with it? must be strange for dd at the mo.

Baffy glad you had a great holiday am very wont get a holday till next year when ds 2 hospital appointments settle. How are things with you and h? Is ds ok now poor mite not fun being ill in a hot country.

Pc How much can 1 woman take? You are an amazingly patient person but time to throw that out the window now and get tough with h. Its not fair on you or dd what his playing at. time to put you 2 first now.

Ernest im so sorry to hear about mil. Never been through what you and your family are dealing with but my heart goes out to you. Are you not going with dh to new job place? Sorry am a littl ebehind i think?

Mac d how are thing s with you and baby?

Lily how are you and baby? So many babies im getting broody!

Dior how are you?

iohw as your not around can only assume your doing great? Hope so x

If i have forgotten anyone sorry hoe your all well?

As for me its all going really well. Dh is like a new man. You never know what you had till its gone. And thats what he finally realised that we was everything he wanted he was just too big a twat to see it!!
still thinking of moving to a seaside resort like cornwall or somerset next year but will have to see where his work takes him next year. Hi sin mayfair till xmas so easier to stay here till then. But new year new start and hopefully new home!

Back to my ebaying need some more faces on here x

Tanee58 · 27/09/2007 13:23

Hi everyone,

Ernest, hope the session went well. I find that when dp's working away, it helps to ensure that we phone or text each other every day. In fact, after an unfortunate non-row last night which left us both feeling very sorry for ourselves, me in bed and him on the sofa, I've come to the conclusion that we have a happier relationship when he IS away from home . He doesn't seem to be settling well into life as a 'family'. dd's comment was that he ought to pull himself together, after all, she copes with us all and he's not even her father.

PC, sorry about your ex - what a plonker. He'll lose dd if he's not careful, and he'll probably say it's all your fault. One wonders how much of the fault over access lies with the other exes, if this is how he behaves with you.

Tanee58 · 27/09/2007 13:27

SS, hope things aren't too tense. It IS strange when partners leave. your dd is probably feeling angry just now, she'll need a lot of patience & love - which I'm sure you'll give.

sallysparrow · 27/09/2007 19:21

Have McD and Lily had their babies? How did I miss this?
Or are you referring to bumps??

tanee, Sugar, the first couple of weeks it seemed like DD was really pushing evry boundary going, and when she went round to XP's she was really shrill when she got back.

but I keep talking to her, and we now have a pasta jar that can have the pasta removed from it as well as put in, which is def helping!

On the whole though she seems to be coping relatively well. Probably because she doesnt have to listen to the two of us sniping at each other all the time.

macdoodle · 27/09/2007 21:38

No babies yet mine due Boxing Day think Lily is just after that
Feeling totally overwhelmed today went buggy shopping with MIL which was fine but not really prepared at all for this babe ...was all excited doing things with H for DD...not the same at all this time ..and every single thing makes me think of Ow and her baby
Then made effort to cook proper dinner for me and oh boy did DD play up - disappeared to neighbour told her she had already eaten devoured crisps and choccolate had to switch over off and go looking for her...then lost my rag completely with her..she WAS out of order but I think I over reacted as well..she ended up eating her dinner alone and sobbing I didn't love her ..long chat about honesty doing what told and how I will always love her no matter what she does...oh dear she has gone to bed with big red eyes...I feel like shit ...and looking at lists from mothercare of baby stuff not helping.....think H could tell I was hacked off when phoned to say good night to DD so just to make my life even more difficult said he loved me and got the hump when didn't reply ..told him I never wanted to be a single mum and he had put us all in this situation...his answer I would never be single mum because he would always be in my life.....meant to be helpful I think but NOT...I either want him here helping being PART of my life...not doing what he wants but IN my life with me doing everything alone...
Sorry for long rant just feeling bit scared...sad...overwhelmed...and hormonal today

ernest · 28/09/2007 07:56

oh mcd if anyone is entitled to be feeling hormonal right now its you! If it's any consolation, I don't know your H, but with me anyway, 2nd baby didn't get any prenatal attention anyway. For 1st he came to antenatal classes, did some shopping, but for 2nd he didn't even come to all the scans, let alone show any interest whatsoever in prams, and didn't attend any antenatal class, an I wasn't the only one, all the women who were on their 2nd, or more baby came alone. It seems the men do it once then that's it. I know obviously it hurts, but don't compare to how he/it was for your dd because it would certainly be very different 2nd time round anyway, even if the circumstances were far happier.

And as for dd, well, ultimately she does know you love here, and you are after all the one's who is the constant, who is there for her. She knows that. Tears are normal. So are fights. Bloody hell, you want to see me possessed ds3 this am.

sp I'm so glad things are going really well for you, you sound glowing. Wherabouts are you living now? My dh used to work in Mayfair.

Tanee, thanks, actually the counselling did go well. I don't think she put in so much useful, erm, input, but it was good to talk, She did make a couple of useful points. But for 1 hour they were talking about Italy, and how the kids were going to cope and blah blah blah and the whole time I wanted to scream how am I going to bloody cope, worrying he's off nobbing every bit of skirt. I go insane every time he goes out for a beer, and that's just say 4 hours, suddenly I'll be coping with 5 days separation! So I pointed this out and dh later laughed that I waited till nearly the end then threw a few handgranades into the room. He's even said he thinks it'd be good to go back

Sp the plan is he goes for 6 months while we remain here, then we re evaluate. It does make sense is every way really, he will be working long hours and travelling a lot so he wouldn't be around much anway. Essentially I don't want to go at all, so we'l see. The commute does have lots of advantages, but obv. lots of disadvantages too. We'll just have to see how it pans out I suppose.

And finally mil, she has now got a UTI, but they can't find any veins to put a line in for AB's. They are managing to get some in, but they are not working. We were told on Wednesday to 'prepare for the worst'. Yet sil went yesterday and says she looks the same as usual so confused. But we have many times come to the point we've thought 'this is it' and somehow she's holding on.

We have a lovely warm sunny day here, so I hope some of the happy warm glow falls on everybody today.

Baffy · 28/09/2007 08:11

ss pasta jar is a great idea! I will probably be needing that soon myself!

macd so sorry you're feeling so low - I'm not surprised you feel the way you do, you have so much to cope with. Where is H living at the moment? Have you decided if you want to try and make things work with him or is it definitely over? If you gave it one more try do you think he'd put everything he's got into making sure he never lets you down again?

ernest I'm glad the counselling went well. And good that dh thinks it will be useful to go back. Just make sure that the next session is about you and make sure you get as much from it as you can. At the end of the day, the boys will cope and be happy as long as you're ok. If you fall apart then everything falls apart! So be a bit selfish for a while and make this all about you (and dh of course) - god knows you deserve that at the very least!

I have my counselling appointment this afternoon - how much do I need it!!! I think if I didn't have it today I would fall apart!

ernest · 28/09/2007 08:29

ss yes we do a variation of the pasta jar, we have stones, and they also get a stone or 2 for doing a job, and at the end each stone is swapped for money, so it's like their pocket money, so the more they work/help/are good, the more money they get. And ds1 is desperate for a drum set, so quite a good tool atm.

lilybubble · 28/09/2007 19:34

Hello all, I haven't posted here for ages, hope you will remember me!

I hope you are all okay - I have tried to have a bit of a catch up on the board.

I am doing okay. In case you'd forgotten, having moved 70 miles away to a completely new area and buying a house, after 9 weeks, my husband walked out on me and dd in april, with absolutely no warning. There was a dodgy female 'friend' on the scene, and he subsequently moved in with her about 4 weeks later.

Well, dd and I are now living back in London, and I got my old job back, and dd back into old nursery. That's been great as we are both surrounded by people we know and like. Ex has been a complete tosspot at times, but thankfully has always given me the money we agreed and has been good at seeing dd regularly. Dd is doing okay, though she gets very upset when he leaves.

Things seem to be getting a bit easier now, and I am making a big effort to just be friendly with him. I am really tired of crying over him and him making me cry, so decided this might be the way forward. We'll see. I can't believe it's been 6 months now

Well, now that I'm properly settled, and have my broadband at home I should be able to get on here more often.

Hope you are all okay, and look forward to catching up wtih you all xx

Baffy · 29/09/2007 11:43

nope no idea who you are have we ever talked to you before..?!!

hello lily! great to hear from you

(mylittlestar here by the way!)

glad things are looking better for you. I know what you mean about getting fed up of crying over it all. I also think it's hard to post during those really bad times isn't it because you just want to forget it all and stop going over it in your head!
I can't believe it's been 6 months either!

Things not much different for me. H has got a flat (with all our stuff in it!) and says he's no longer seeing ow. I'm still at my mums but have got a new job much closer to home which I start a week on monday, so once I'm settled there I will look for a house for me and ds.
H and i went to relationship counselling but they pretty much said there was nothing they could do for us while H was adamant that he wanted 'space'. We're now both seeing individual counsellors - which is a life saver to be honest. I sway from loving to hating him every hour of every day!

And that's about it from me at the mo I think!

Must go and play with ds... catch up soon xx

TimeForMe · 29/09/2007 12:39

Hi Everyone! It's IOHW!!

Just popped in to say HELLO! and let everyone know that I'm still living, that I've not ended up in the freezer

All is really well here, fantastic in fact! It's like living with a new man and I can honestly say I have never been happier! I think DP would say it's like living with a different woman too

I do keep popping into MN for a bit of a peep so I'm still keeping an eye on you all and i do still think of you.

I hope everyone is enjoying a good weekend XX

LilyLoo · 29/09/2007 13:46

Wow it's like catching up with old friends
IOHW great to hear from you have often wondered how things are going for you and so glad that you are in the place where you wanted to be , and not the freezer ! Take care.

Lilybubble hi am glad you have moved back to some familiarity and you are managing to keep on top of things , it must be easier in old surroundings. Hope dd ok!

Baffy see you still keeping going, how are things with h ? I see he got the flat and your stuff, does he still see ds ? Remember you were concerned about ow being around when he saw him ?

Ernest glad the counselling went well. Sorry you have been having such a rough time and so about mil, she seems determined to hang on doesn't she! Hope the boys are ok ! Hope the move goes well , you are going to be fine and it may make him realise how much he does need you all

McDoodle hows Bump ? Mines growing by the day. I have been very hormonal and had some massive rows with dp over silly things. One was an email i found on his laptop though from ow. Was just work stuff and he said he didn't know she worked at this place and she had taken over a case he had been dealing with with someone else. Never the less i still went off my head and he said he won't use the company again Other than that all good here! Sorry it isn't for you , you are amazingly strong and agree you shouldn't w=even think of moving. Just a shame she doesn't think to do so. Can't believe you have to think of schools etc. The implications are massive aren't they ? Did you get the pushchair ? I take it now you are split then ? Sorry but think you were still together last time we spoke ? Take care

Glad all going well sugarplum babybump doing well thanks! How lovely a move to the seaside!

PC sorry to see there's no change with h ? Am guessing things moving on though with house, was in B&Q with dp when you rang. Hope it is goping to be the start of better things for you and dd. How is she ? Guess she will get use to her dad messing her around as she gets older but she shouldn't have to !

SS hi Glad to see you have started to move on. Am sure things will settle down once you all adapt to the situation. How are you feeling about it all ?

Dior how are things with you , any better ?

Happywoman, Tannee , sugarcoated hope you all ok .Hope i haven't missed anyone.

Wow mammoth post, all good here getting ready for baby now! Will try and pop on more LilyLoo xxx

sallysparrow · 29/09/2007 16:06

Hi everyone! Great to hear from you all!

Ive popped on here for a couple of mins - making st clements drizzle cake, and had a bit of time while it was in the oven.

Ive been having a clearout of papers today - you know the sort of stuff you keep for ever, until you realise theres virtually no reason for anyone to want to see a payslip from 12 years ago.

A load of it is in 2 bags for XP to take away and sort, the rest is neatly in 2 boxes, separated into sections.

And a vast amount has been shredded, thrown out or gone to the recycling bin.

The place is no tidier, but I feel lighter! And DD has been really well behaved, watching tv, playing on the computer, helping with the shredding and cake baking.

So now were going to sit down together for a bit until teatime.

When Ive drizzled my cake of course!

All the best everyone, and hope the bumps are both well

TimeForMe · 29/09/2007 16:43

My mouth is watering!! CAKE!

Baffy · 29/09/2007 17:16

Hello IOHW - long time no see! Glad you're doing so well - has really made me today xx

TimeForMe · 29/09/2007 17:21

Hi Baffy!!

It's good to see you too! Don't worry, I've been keeping a beaady eye on you

We should organise an 'online reunion' round up the old gang and have a laugh!!

Baffy · 29/09/2007 17:30

I sort of 'knew' you'd be making sure I was ok. Haven't had any major meltdowns lately so that's got to be a good thing! Feeling stronger by the day.

Yes we could do with a good laugh. Have missed your humour on here. Good to see you and lilybubble back and hopefully see a few more faces from now on. Everyone on here is having (or has had) such an awful time of it lately (understatement of the year I know!!!)

TimeForMe · 29/09/2007 17:35

I'm glad to hear it! Your language did turn the Mn air blue for a while but you managed to regain your compsore just before I had to step in and remind you that you are a laydeee!

I'm so glad you took the new job, I was a bit worried for a while that you might talk yourself out of it, pastures new being strange and all that....

House hunting next! It just get's better!

I am very proud of you you know x