NEW FAB AND GLAM

[Dior]

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no no, don't worry. I didn't use the number as soon as I got it, I didn't go to the house, even tho I was in the village, just up the road. I also want to consider everything. I really feel dh has got a BIG shock from me and how I reacted. I think he is going to be working over time, and so he should. More than I got even after the initial revelations. Knowledge is power. I have that now. I don't nec. feel I need to use it, I just needed to have it iyswim. Yesterday I was all for telling her husband, today I am more for calling her, but judging by dh's reaction to my rantings last night and today I may not do either.

WHere's my lamb stew, that'd make me feel better? Still dreaming of it.

Thanks all still quite low think actually seeing her made it finally sink in all the long term implications....I did initially think about moving away but why should I this is my home I have lived here 10 years I have a fantastic job that I love that is flexible, I love my house and have wonderful friends around, DD loves her school just down the road, my ILs are 5 mins away have been wonderful and adore my DD and am sure will my new LO...I don't want to move she is the one who should be ashamed of her behaviour I have done nothing wrong ...I know that you didn't mean that at all and it some ways it would be easier but I just don't want to ......and I suppose I don't want to take DD and LO away from their dad....
With any luck the children won't be at same school - mine are at little village school primary, hers will be at more central primary if she stays where she is and 2 secondaty schools on either side would be in different ones....I have thought of all these things - my DD will have to be told we live in too small a town for her not to find out I don't want more lies......

ernest good advice from dior calm own and think before you do anything if you decide to do anything at all.

Macd your totally right you shouldnt have to move. I hope she has the decentcy to send her dd to a different one to that your dd's will attend. I was just rambling more about what i would do. Although i dont know how i would cope but i know it wouldnt be anywhere as well as you are. I truely hope it all works out for all of you. But i have to say i feel for all the dc in this even hers they are all innocents.

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Ernest GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!

Am so pleased you did that. He has literally pushed you to the edge, and the way you reacted would have shocked the hell out of him. GOOD!!!!

About time he sat up and listened. And about time he realised that you are not about to be taken for a fool for a second longer - either he sorts himself and this whole bloody mess out or you will not stand for it!

I am so so pleased for you.

Totally agree that you now need to take that time out to decide what you will do and if you will ever contact her or her H. Fact is, you now have that information, you have the power to do it if you so wish, and therefore you have control of a situation that has been out of your hands for so long.

Just the knowledge that you could contact her and her H, ruin your dh's career etc etc may be enough. You may never need to use any of it. But at least now you know you can if you want to.

Well done you!!!!!

Well done ernest - you have acted a bit like me, i too threatened the leaflet or 'joke' email about how to get promotion ie what is the best postion to get promoted in H firm - on your knees (no surprise there then!!!!).

You are right knowledge is power and if she wants to be part of your life then she will have to put up with you being part of hers!!

Your h will be very worried - ask him he does not 'trust' you with the information on her and see what his reaction is. Sorry to say that mine acted like yours and it was still going on, it is difficult to know when to trust but i think he needs to understand that you NEED this information. Anyway you can hire a PI to get as much info as possible anyway - like i said she only has to behave and keep away and then you wont have to use the info.

Also tell him you have given her number to all of us anyway and you are not responsible for our actions surely.

I did this too and he is worried that one of you will contact her (i said that you had all offered to congratulate her on her promotion and that she obviously deserved it and that no-one would really think she had slept with the boss to further their career)!! God I can be evil if i want to.

Of course we all know deep down this is wrong and that is why we feel so bad - no-one should make me feel this angry towards them - i honestly wish her dead at times or some nasty painful disease at the very least.

I'll make sure I keep in your good books, hw, that's for sure

Dh has phoned and asked if I would like him to cook dinner.

I think I might enjoy this... Just hope he doesn't forget by the time I get back from UK, I'd hate to think I'm missing out on something I've waited so long for.

McD, easier said than done, but try not to think too far into the future. You'll really drive yourself mad thinking of schools, secondary schools, your 2 dc's attending same place etc etc. We can all testify that none of us know what's around the corner. We just bought a house in London and within the year had emigrated to CH. No way would we have bothered buying a house if there was any chance we'd be moving so soon. I bet none of use really saw our dh's affairs coming, or didn't believe it could happen. You just don't know in 1, or 2 or 5 years what'll happen, where you or they will be.

It is a really really horrible situation. We're all here for you. And you will get through it. And YOU will have the wonderfulö fab gorgeous little baby soon to hold in your arms. Can't wait till Boxing day!

ernest i am sure you would never cross me anyway - i dont think i have ever had anyone get to me quite like this - i am a generally easy going person but this has really made me look at myself.

I also think if i can just tell people how awful this whole affair thing is for everyone maybe i could save someone the same heartache in the future.

I am seriously thinking of talking to the bosses at work to try and have some kind of policy for if/when this happens again to anyone. And they call themselves a family friendly firm.

H was surprised the firm had gone down in the best work places for women to work (and they stupidly have a 'vote' box on their website.) Not that anyone i know would vote on it i am sure!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Hi you lot. I had a great weekend. Truly wonderful place. I really feel much calmer and ok about everything. I have now and will not contact OW.

I am just loking forward.

Managed to visit mil. Shocking to see. She's clearly brain damaged which was very hard to see, sort of child-like, wide eyed innocence on one hand but at same time , they put a speaking valve on her thrachae for 5 mins and she was saying things like, I'm trapped, get me out of here, help me, help me etc which was heartbreaking. But she gave me uch a happy brad smile when I went in and when I showed her a little video clip of my boys. Made me cry. To see such a busy bustling vibrant, strong assertive woman cut down like that. And not being able to do anything to help her, other than hold her hand. And who knows how long she'll have to suffer like that (the frustration of not being able to ccommunicate if such a heavy burden for us all...)

Anyway, hope you all had ok weekend. Thamnks for being there for me.

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Ernest so sorry to hear about your MIL - so heartbreaking

I'm glad to hear that things are looking much better for you though and you're much calmer about everything. You've handled it all amazingly well.

Take care of yourself.

I'm off to Spain this evening for a week with ds and the family so I won't be around.

Hope you're all doing ok and I will give you a full update when I get back!

xx

Hallo, there are so many familiar names on here that I just wanted to offer my support. No advice to offer that hasn't already been said much better than I could. Ernest, so sorry about your MIL. Were you able to see her? I know when I had cancer 10 years ago, all visits from people with colds were banned.

Am absolutely aghast at some of the H's behaviour. Mid life crises? Hope you all get through (you will ).

I did see her, but am now SERIOUSLY concerned I may have picked up an infection from her and passed it onto my ds. I know this is probably irrational, but it's also certainly possible, and he's come down with temp & bad cold and seems really poorly. Am keeping close eye on him, praying it's just a coincidental bad cold and not the start of pneumonia or something that's reisitant to ab's Could do without the extra stress.

I am feeling better otherwise. dh making effort to reassure me. He has cancelled next month a 3 ay conference in Belgium, as he thinks there is a chance she might be there. Dunno if he knows more than that, but he's certainly amking all the right noises. And his mum is in a terrible way. His sister is a total state, I think in tears most days etc etc, so when I see how she's coping (badly) with her mum, I actually get a bit of a reminder with how much he's having to cope with, plus winding things up at work, get ready for new work, find accomodation sort out work/residency permits, blah blah blah he's doig pretty well I suppose.

Wish I could join Baffy in Spain.

I think you're BOTH doing well. He and his sister are obviously under a huge strain, as are you. I'm not sure how I'd handle what you, Baffy and HappyWoman have been and are going through. You're incredible .

Ernest you are amazing, I really do hope your H keeps up the good work. I am glad he has cancelled the conference it shows he is thinking of your feelings too.

And very good of you to recognise that he is probably under a huge strain too. He will see that too and see that you really the woman for him.

We can do this - but it is with all the support you others give us - Thankyou.

Arrggggg why cannot I just tell H that it is OVER and finished that I want a divorce want it to be amicable but am SICK of being a mug - what the hell is wrong with ME [angry} with myself!

Mcdoodle

Do you think it is becasue it is still a fight (you want to be seen as the winner over her) and then get the strengh to make up your mind.

You know deep down that he is too weak to make up his mind - but you are scared that if you make it for him - he will run straight to her.

I am afraid he needs to see just how bad it would be without you before he can 'come back' to you fully. At the moment he can still have you when he wants to.

You are a good and loving person who wants to forgive. You know this is wrong but dont beat yourself up too much - the time will come when you will get the strengh one way or the other.

hiya everyone.. I've not been here for a long time, just wanted to say hello and hope you're all surviving

btw.. what happened to IOHW? has she gone or did she change her name?

Just wanted to say Hello! I'm back!

Everyone ok? Ernest how is MIL? Macd are you ok?

SuGaRCoAteDPoiSOn hi! As far as I know IOHW is absolutely fine, still around I think, but just not posting too much at the moment. I know she sends her best wishes and support to everyone though.

Tanee58 thanks for the lovely messages on here

wb baffy! hope you had a blast.....

sorry i haven't been around much myself. times are tough on Paddle Planet.

buying and selling are a nightmare. i won't be moving till december now

i let H see dd last week after having long conversations about what a big deal it was for me to trust him not to let her down again. he promised and promised and was due here for the weekend where we had several plans.

he didn't show up. i am at loss what to do now. well, actually, i'm not at a loss what to do now as there is no communication and if there were to be i would not respond.

but, eventually he will come back on the scene in the next few weeks and then i will have to make the final decision. my head and heart are aligned with refusing access at this moment in time. but how will i feel about that going forward.........

another of my MN friends who I see fairly regularly lost her husband very suddenly last week. i went to the funeral yesterday. she is devastated and i am heartbroken for her. as my H said last week "it puts things into perspective" and it has for me but clearly only for about 24 hours for him.

how could i be so wrong time and time again?

anyways, sorry for the downer but just wanted to update and explain why i've been out of the way for a bit.

ooh, baffy, did you have a nice holiday? What did you do?

Mil not much different (bit worse). The think that there's little chance of any neurological improvement, so she's been hoofed out of specialist hospital into another, still in side room cos of this infection, largely a l ot worse than when I saw her, unresponsive, mostly unaware of visitors. To put it bluntly, waiting to die, can't believe she's still hanging on.

Dh goes to Milan in 5 weeks. scary. Organised a session of couple marriage counselling, but now can't get a baby sitter. DIsaster! As he's going so soon we'd only manage 1 or 2, I guess I was hoping for just her expert top tips for surviving the separation. Or is it a waste of time as we'd only be able to have 1 or 2. What do you lot think? Tell me quick cos otherwise I'd have to cancel in next hour or so or be liabale to pay!

Hope pg is ging ok mcd

sorry pc hadn't seen your message. what a nightmare. How did dd react when he didn't turn up. Personally I would refuse access for so many reasons. Hard to do, but you need to protect dd and send him a clear message at the same time. imo

ernest, so sorry to hear about your MIL. it's a terrible time for you and her and the family.

i would suggest going to the sessions even if you think you might only manage one or two. explain you're short on time and need some "quick wins" to get you thru the initial separation maybe?

re: H, i never tell dd if he due to come as then she's not expecting it.

after having a houseguest for 3 months who was away in NY and my mother who stays 2 nights per week, when he knocked on the door the day he did come I fully expected dd to expect Grandma or X.

she actually ran to the door shouting "daddy". she hadn't seen him for 3 months.... how did she know! and of course she was overjoyed and immediately best friends etc.

she shoved me off the sofa and told me "watch pooter mummy!" when i tried to sit with them!!!