NEW FAB AND GLAM

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great idea ginnedup - sounds fantastic, go for it. I bet the boys would love that too.

lilyloo lovely to hear from you. glad you're doing ok but I totally agree, don't wish those sleepless nights on yourself too quickly - enjoy the excuse to put your feet up and relax!

(totally agree about the head and heart thing too - they've been out of sync for a while now! hoping my heart catches up soon as I'm going with my head for the moment - heart has let me down a bit too much lately )

Good morning Teabags

Ernest, I remember when i got pregnant with dd at the age of 38 with a 10 year gap between her and my dd, all i ever got asked was if 'it was planned'. It really upset me and offended me to be asked that.

Hi GUM, I'm so sorry you are going through all this again but I do agree with Baffy that maybe it's a good thing you are feeling the way you are.

Baffy's comment 'Some people have an amazing capacity to block out the difficult bits and the things they don't want to think about, when it's convenient! is so true but, the same applies to us too. We also can tend to block out the difficult bits and not face up to how bad hings really are. We so want everything to be alright that we choose to see things in a way that suits us at the time.

I am so glad to hear that you are thinking about you. You must do whatever it takes to give you strength to get through this. xx

tfm, I've only told 1 rl person so far & the 1st thing she said was was it planned

so
Q Was it planned?
A: Piss off.

Q. Oh, another boy, are you disappointed?
A. Piss off.

Q. Oh a girl at last! How wonderful, you must be delighted after 3 stinky boys, they're such a handful aren't they?
A. Piss off.

As you can see, I need some help refinining my sharp retorts. Not exactly Oscar Wilde is it?

GUM, good idea looking at house swap. Will also be something to look forward to for many other reasons

lillylou, I've already got the sleepless nights. Can't get any bloody worse! What's your edd?

Am now trying to get my head round a UK move in 2/3 years Any ideas for nice place good for London commute but also Kent (& Dorset) so sth rather than nth (of) london? I know it's ages away, but if I start to ponder on it and do research I might feel a bit better about it. And trying to think up advantages of living in UK.

Am wrecked today.

Morning TFM

Mini rant... H and his stupid part time jobs to pay for his stupid expensive flat... now means he can't have ds overnight at all this week and ds loves staying there.

But also... he can't have him friday or saturday night because he has another 2 dates with some random women off the internet

So now ds doesn't get a night with his dad at al this week. And I have to cancel a night out at the weekend that I was really looking forward to - my best friends are all home and going for a meal.

And yes I get out loads so I should just shut up and stay in and spend quality time with ds. Which I will definitely do and make the most of.
But I am pissed off too that he's putting these random women before seeing his son.

And I'm probably jealous at him going out with them too

I bet you're all sick of me! Just had to get that off my chest sorry!!

morning ernest (sorry, x posted)

to be honest I like your replies! I'd stick with them!

I'm 'up North' myself so have no idea of places to live down south, but I bet there will be lots of people on here who do have great ideas

I think it's fantastic that you are looking into it and trying to be positive about the move. There could be so many advantages to living back over here too - work would be easier for you for a start wouldn't it?
I'm sure with some reasearch you can find a place that you all love.

morning all or is it afternnon now?

ernest you know my area of kent ie hartley and surrounding. Dorset i want to go there myself within the next 2 years. Me and dh want a fresh start new home new people new business etc. And i like you answers!! lol Have used that one many a time myself! Next time you get asked was the baby plannned simply answer "why do you ask"? And see if they babble on or have the decentcy to realise they are being rude and shut up!

Baffy for you!! H should have his ds before going out with strangers his picked up off the internet. Personally i would be saying you should have ds 1 night and arrange your dates for the next available evening. and 2 women on 2 different nights? What is wrong with him?

sounds to me like he is struggling with his decision and is doing anything rather than face up to what his truely feeling.which is very but not an excuse to push ds away.

hi all

sorry haven't been posting much. feeling pretty stressed about the house move and things getting on top of me a bit.

last email from H was so upbeat i honestly think he might be schizophrenic. Opening with "Long time no speak eh? But I doubt you want to talk about all that." and ending with "Can you tell me what furniture you're leaving as I'd like some."

my vendors have written saying they are putting the sale price up by £2k to cover their expenses.

checked bank account yesterday and H bought dd's birthday present with his joint card. am stunned and spitting , he did put £20 in her birthday card but I spent that on party food and was glad of it too. No mention whatsover that it was to cover the cost of the gift. financially i am on the ropes.

anyways, Ernest, come live in west london. it's fantastic and good for dorset etc altho perhaps not so great for kent. would be lovely to have you on my side of town tho.

i promise not to say "OH MY GOD YOU HAVE FOUR BOYS! ARE YOU COMPLETELY CRAZY? HAVE YOU FORCED H TO HAVE THE SNIP NOW"!!!

baffy, just when you think they can't get any lower eh? whether you get to go out a lot or not, your H is letting his son down and you have every right to be

okay, that's me crawling back into my cave to worry/mope/stress for now.

ps: have been asked to propose a toast at my best friend's vow renewal ceremony this saturday. tbh, i don't want to go even
have also been asked to do the photos at my swedish friend's wedding in march (we studied photography together) but have had to say i can't go now as i can't afford the trip. either way, i actually don't want to go to that either.

am sorely struggling with dealing with weddings, impending babies, happy couples, good husbands and secure family units - just don't want to be around any of it even tho i am very very happy for my friends.

not good.......

Thanks sugar

I know he is struggling with his decision and is just trying to keep busy. He says that he keeps bursting into tears for nothing and can't stop thinking about us. It just all seems so pathetic. Why is he doing this?!
And when it comes ahead of ds it makes me so angry. Once ds understands a bit more things like this will break my heart. I wonder whether set nights could be the way forward? (Even though this would then restrict both of us though )

I acknowledge I am probably slightly jealous (of what I don't know!!) and finding it hard myself - but his 'new life' i.e. extra jobs to make ends meet and random women means that ds is missing out. And he loves being with his daddy so much.

sp my mum's in dorset. It's quite nice area but the traffic in the summer is horrendous. Really it took us 40 minutes nearly everyday for what is usually a 10 minutes drive. so much holiday traffic. It was desperate. You really couldn't just pop out. I really couldn't live there, it really affected everyday life.

Not sure about Kent, I only know Gravesend which is too much of a tiolet to consider. SIL is in Wimbledon, but outrageously expensive. I think her house cost a million ( ) possibly more like 1.3 and it's quite a bit smaller than ours, so a bit worrying to imagine what we'd be able to afford.

Can't imagine usuig any of my answers on gp in law, or my mum or aunty. I like them myself but can't imagine being brave enough it use them

Baffy, it's really bad that he's not seeing ds this week. Were the days all ready prearranged and agreed and he's cancelled or has he just turned around and said he can't do this week?

Is there any way to avoid this happening i the fututre. Shame on him for putting a couple of strangers before his ds. I take it he's no longer seeing that teenager? Am behing the times, sorry

pc I know exactly how you feel

we need to get a night out planned and get you meeting new people - do you get out with your mates much? it's the only thing that got me past that stage

do you feel depressed? (you don't have to answer that)

ernest he's no longer seeing her (I think!) but then again he could be...

we change the nights he has ds each week depending on what we both have planned - it's worked great so far. but with his new jobs to finance his new lifestyle, and him arranging these dates, he's literally left no nights free for ds. I'm happy for him to choose which night, tomorrow, fri or sat, and I'll just work my plans around that. But he can't do any. Think that's why I'm so upset.

pc be brave with the house move. another 2k, poor you, it's so bloody stressful innit? House buying system so much better over here, and dreading ever having to go through it again in uk with constantly moving goal posts and possibility of it falling through.

Where are you?

Btw, we're flying over for the weekend of 7 - 10th December (burying mil ashes).

Dunno if anyone around.

Baffy. Would seriously consider fixed days & nights that you both agree to stick to. Would probably make it easier for all 3 of you

Ernest my edd is 5th Jan, at least the sleepless nights won't be too much of an impact for you then, my prob is that dd sleeps like a dream but ds was 3 before we got a full night, don't think i could take that now.
Baffy def agree with the others on fixed nights it will make it easier for ds as well as he gets older if he is in a routine with h and also will hopefully mean h will put him before his other dates
PC sorry you don't have any good news to share , it really is time you got a break isn't it. As for h not much to say to that is there he just proves you right time and again. Keep your chin up you will get through it.
gum good idea about the house swap have you looked into it ?
Hello everyone else

pc dont know about buying and selling but sounds stressful. Can completely understand wanting to be slighty distance from "happy couples" But at the same time by the sounds of it have lots of friends for support and you know all of us are always ready to listen and comfort. And if my lottery numberscome up you'll be top of my list!

Ernest lol@ gravesend! It is a complete dive makes my skin itch everytime i go there. Hartley is nice meopham even better and then there is borough green and sevenoaks. Worth looking into and you'll be closer to family.

Baffy his a twat! But he could also be a lying twat!! These "dates" could be completely made up because he knows about nm. And from all you have said about h he adores ds so he must be pretty screwed up and desperate to miss seeing him. Fwiw i think he is slowly realising what his done but he cant face up to it so is creating an elaborate false life for himself which is only drawing him deeper and deeper in. Or i could be wrong and his loving his new lifestyle? Breakdown approaching springs to mind here.With what you say about him crying too. I really think he needs to see gp and talk to someone. Like i said could be completely wrong but i think it could be a possibility.

You get on with his mum dont you? Any chance of a coffee and discreet chat with her see what her take is on it all?

PC thanks for youtr recommendation on dp's thread we are really greatful. Not sure what to advise r/e their 2k demand what 'costs' exactly. TBH if you pulled out now they would have even more costs anyway might be a case of standing firm and telling them no but is a risky gamble considering how long it's taken you to get here. Some people are just greedy
Hope you sort it and thanks again x

Baffy. Please, just for one minute stop being so understanding of him! Oooh I am soooo cross! He is pining for you, crying over you and his lost relationship but he can't have ds this week because his social life is blooming!
Not the motives of a man who is trying to score brownie points with the wife he has loved and lost, more like the actions of a man who is trying to scupper his wifes plans!
He is so out of order not making time for DS. None of this is the little one's fault and he should be making him his priority NOT his womanising! If you were the one pulling the plug on his access I am sure he would have something to say about it. I agree that set days seem to be the way to go if he continues to let you and ds down.
God! we need Cashncarry to give him a kick up the arse!

PC not much I can say to change things or make things better but, I am thinking of you and am sending you a big hug. You know, you might not be far off the mark with your home diagnosis of dh. Maybe he does have issues of this nature.

Right, I'm all calm now When I win the lottery I am going to buy us a retreat!!

thanks sugar

his mum is in her own world at the moment (after 30 years with his dad she has had an affair and walked out on FIL!) so I don't really have anything to do with her atm. Not even in a judgemental way... their life and their business. I prefer to stay out of things like that because you can't judge as you've never lived in their shoes.
But it's more from the point of view that she's never around any more when I pick ds up from FIL. And FIL is so cut up about it all that I now can't really talk to either of them...

H is having counselling still so hopefully she'll help him get his head round all this.

I know it'll be killing him not seeing ds. I do maintain that overall he's a great father. I think he is just that desperate to have female attention and 'prove' to himself that he's done the right thing, that all of his sense has gone out the window! He'll be even more miserable not seeing ds. Probably have unfulfilling awkward dates with strange people. And then feel even worse about himself... and the whole cycle will start again...

We turn to chocolate and shopping to make ourselves feel better, I wonder why men have a need to turn to women. If we are being kind and understanding of him he must be really lost at the moment, his self esteem must be really low.

Thats so sad about your FIL. Maybe you should get him on here

Thanks TFM

I was feeling that angry before too!!

I have now decided though that it's his loss!! I will arrange another night with my friends when they can come back up in the new year. In the meantime I have planned a day out to Chester Zoo with ds on saturday so we can have lots of fun and wear ourselves out! (His favourite place at the moment!) Then I am going to get him snuggled up in bed and then NM is going to come round and I'm going to cook us a nice meal and get some good wine in (my favourite treat!!).

Now that H has shown where his priorities lie I can be very clear. He can have the set days with ds and no more. It really will be his loss. DS is my world and I'm already looking forward to the new plans on Saturday

I'm trying to turn all the negatives into positives! NM's idea! It's working so far!

FIL is an absolutely lovely gorgeous man too
Maybe I will get him on here

H definitely takes after his mum!!

Brilliant! Your little boy has such a lovely mummy!!

And just to think, a few months a go you thought you had lost the best thing in your life. The best is yet to come!!

Seemingly so!

Maybe infidelity should be made acceptable, you know, in the same way they legalised certain drugs. Maybe it will lose it's appeal then

so good that nm is positive. a positive outlook is really a special and wonderful thing and so helpful at times.

Glad you're getting treated well by him.

Glad also to hear you're going to get tough. He needs to uderstand he can't call all of the shots and you and ds just ang about dancing to his tune

Thing is, it can be a slippery slope, miss one night/one week, makes it easier to miss the next. Really needs to be cast in tone. And I agree, the second you start limiting access he'd be shouting from the roof tops no doubt. He can't have it all his own way

glad you've got such nice plans with ds (&nm) to look forward to

PMSL!

I couldn't believe H's antics (after 14 years together) and his mum's affair (after 30 years together) all happened in the same year... must be something in the water!

I do hope the best is yet to come
I'm certianly going to try and have fun getting there!

Thanks ernest

Have thought lots about the set days all last night and today and I think it will be beneficial for ds and that's what matters.

The flexible arrangement only works well if H puts ds first all of the time but as he can't do that right now he'll have to accept this.

I'll always be really fair with his access and I want ds to have a brilliant relationship with his dad. Just want to limit the amount of damage H can do while he can't think of anyone but himself.