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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

NEW FAB AND GLAM

952 replies

Dior · 17/08/2007 13:32

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TimeForMe · 29/10/2007 16:44

Hi Want2

I wonder if this other man was more of an emotional crutch to you rather than the 'special one'. Someone you could openly talt to without feeling under pressure or judged in any way. Someone you felt you could be yourself with, someone other than the wife and mummy that you are at home.

If that is the case then we have to come up with another crutch for you, a diversion away from this man. It's not going to do you any good feeling so dependent on him or what you gain from talking to him. You need to work out exactly what it is you get from him, emotionally and physically. How you benefit from talking to him etc, what you gain personally.

Was it that he made you feel attractive and special? That what you had to say mattered? Was it that he filled the gaps that you feel your dh wasn't filling at home?

Please forgive the 20 questions just trying to work out how we can best help you.
Keep posting. none of us are here to judge you. Don't let feeling guilty about the other man hold you back from opening up to us.

I already feel that you weren't exactly after a lover, I think you really need a friend

Right! Off to make tea. Only popped inline to add to my Asda order!
Have a lovely evening everybody. See you tomorrow! xx

PS Good post Baffy! (re Dior) Hope you were listening Dior

TimeForMe · 29/10/2007 16:45

Oh by the way Want2, I needed AD's for a while but they didn't suit me so I tried st john's wort and a natural supplement called 5htp and it worked a treat for me. Really got me out of black hole and allowed me to look at things objectively x

HappyWoman · 29/10/2007 17:02

I too have taken ADs and they did work for a while - got me out of the black hole. St Johns wort did not work though and now i try alternative theapies when i feel down. Refelxology i find is the best for me.

Just say this so you wont be put off trying different things. and there is no shame in ADs at the right time.

Tanee58 · 29/10/2007 17:08

Want2 - really, dont worry about any of us hating you - we won't. We're all only human and it sounds like you needed him as an emotional crutch - well, as the others have said, you've got lots of crutches now - only sorry we can't give you real hugs - will virtual ones do? and virtual hug.

I haven't had any experience of ADs but lots of great advice from the others.

want2feelbetter · 29/10/2007 17:10

It's ok to ask as many questions as you like. Hope you don't all think I'm taking over the thread too much.

I don't really know where to start with the answer! The guy made me feel I could take some control over my situation. At the same time I think he's been a bit of a distraction from dealing with the changes having a baby has brought. At least I thought that's what it was until a couple of months ago, when I really thought I'd sorted my head out. From then it was fun and I really started to fall for him. I've always sort of known deep down that it would end because I never really meant anything to him. I say that...I keep thinking I did mean something but everytime I got to that point he would get nasty and make it clear I didn't. I still don't know if that's because he was feeling something and didn't want to or because my feelings were coming across and he didn't want to lead me on.

Tanee58 · 29/10/2007 17:25

Well, he's gone now, and you know where you stand - try to think that it was better now than later, when all three of you would have suffered even more than you and his wife are suffering now. Adultery happens and sometimes the new partners go get together (me & DP for instance, though I first dated him before I met exh so it was a weird circular sort of story) - but there's always going to be guilt, however happy you are. It's really better not to have to live the rest of your life with it - as I do.

Original poster
Dior · 29/10/2007 18:12

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MascaraOHara · 30/10/2007 09:47

Hi guys, just about to catch up with the talk from yesterday.

For me, I've not text or spoke to bloke since Sunday evening.. Not had to see him it at work either which has made it easier.. have promised myself not to text him until he texts me.

I have not thought about exdp much over the last couple of days which is also good. Think my A/Ds have kicked in so things are starting to feel a bit easier to cope with.

DD was happy about going back to school, bless her - she's such a good kid. Wish I could do more for/with her

MascaraOHara · 30/10/2007 09:52

Dior, that sounds like it could be a difficult situation. Have you planned when you will speak to him?

Do you think that he will want to stay in the house?

You must remember to stay focussed on your long term goals that will help you get through the coming months which are going to be really hard for you

TimeForMe · 30/10/2007 10:06

Good morning eveybody

Want2, maybe the guy's anger was due to guilt he was feeling at (emotionally) betraying his wife.

OR....This may sound awful and i apologise in advance if it does but, maybe he expected more from you than just someone to talk to, maybe he wasn't very happy because he would have preferred a 'no strings' sexual encounter and all the talk was too 'deep' for him IYSWIM.

Anyway, you now have to start believing in yourself. Believe that you can cope without him. Afterall, it wasn't him stopping you from having the anxiety attacks when you were seeing him, it was you. Because you felt comfortable and confident when you were around him you didn't have any anxiety. In my opinion, if it had ever developed into a relationship it would have been a terribly unhealthy one, I think it would have made you needy and codependent so, I for one am pleased this man is no longer in your life because now you can concentrate on the person that really matters - you.

You really do have to concentrate on yourself from now on, rebuild your self esteem and learn to love yourself. I promise you, when you have achieved this it will make a whole lot of difference to your life.
The bottom line is, we cannot rely on another person to make us happy and fulfilled as a person. That is far too much a load to bare for any partner. We have to take responsibility for our own happiness.
You can do it Want2! You just have to Want2!

Dior - did you instruct the solicitor to start divorce proceedings?
Also, where's Lou got to these days? I've not seen her around for a while. Is she posting under a new name?

Baffy · 30/10/2007 10:49

I only have a few mins to update you but I just wanted to let you know - am going to as H for a divorce today. He's coming over to meet me this lunch time.

I've found out that he's dating a few girls off an internet dating site - and to be honest, when he told me, I didn't feel much at all. In fact all I felt was relief that he wasn't dating the OW anymore!

That told me a lot. I really didn't think I would have that reaction.

NM came to see me after work last night and we had a really good talk (until 2am this morning!). We are seeing each other pretty much every day, and the feelings are very mutual, and hearing what he's been through in the past (he was with a woman who was separated from her H, and she kept going back to him whenever she felt like it and even went off on holiday with him in secret... and NM only found out when he rang her for a chat! )
Anyway, I really don't want to mess NM about. And I feel that I need a bit of closure to the last 12 months, and I want H and I to acknowledge that the way we were living in limbo has to completely stop.

I'm still not 100% sure I want this. I do still love him. And I don't know if there is still a tiny shred of hope somewhere that we will both have some time apart but fate will bring us back together... But that tiny percentage is so far outweighed by everything else that I think this is the right thing.

And maybe it was fate to meet NM? I have to say that being treated 'well' by a man has been like a breath of fresh air and even if things with NM don't last, I feel that he has shown me how things can be in a relationship when there is mutual respect and no selfishness. I was so used to putting H's needs and happiness before my own. I'm learning so much about myself and what I want. And I think I want to be out of that old relationship for good

HappyWoman · 30/10/2007 11:03

Good for you Baffy - but dont expect it to all be easy. H will not like it as he will not be in control anymore but i do feel it is the right thing for you.

Do get yourself a good solicitor too as i have friends who have not really looked into everything and lost out.

Also i know you will do this with the same dignity you have shown throughout this mess and so i dont need to say that you do not need to lower yourself to the mud slinging that so often goes on at these times.

We are here for you - good luck.

Baffy · 30/10/2007 11:20

Thanks HW. I'm fairly certain it won't get nasty and as you know, even if H took that route I wouldn't rise to it. I've kept calm this far I won't let him get to me now
I do think he knows it's coming. He was very quick to agree to meeting at lunch, specifically so we could talk without ds being around, and on that night out a couple of weeks ago we pretty much agreed to this. He's just the expert at forgetting it was all said which is why I feel the need to have this discussion now and get everything out.

Very nervous though...

TimeForMe · 30/10/2007 11:25

I will be thinking of you Baffy. I hope 'the talk' goes well. Don't forget to update us as soon as you get back!

sallyfubsylittlebat · 30/10/2007 11:49

Oh Baffy, this must be difficult for you, but as always you are dealing with it with your usual courage and wisdom.

"dating a few girls of an internet site" - - what sort of life is he after?

Good luck, and keep focussed (although i know you will)

Original poster
Dior · 30/10/2007 12:08

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Original poster
Dior · 30/10/2007 12:16

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Baffy · 30/10/2007 12:33

Thanks guys (Dior - congratulations on the weight loss too, great news)

And MoH totally agree - wait for him to text. Good for you for managing to do that.

Well he's just cancelled on me and put it off until tomorrow! Story of my life hey.
I'll be glad when he doesn't have the ability to ever let me down again because he's no longer part of my life. That's just confirmed that I am doing exatly the right thing. Dior I'm starting to really see that now - he doesn't deserve me. And he deserves whatever miserable life he's carving out for himself.

Original poster
Dior · 30/10/2007 12:35

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Original poster
Dior · 30/10/2007 12:39

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TimeForMe · 30/10/2007 12:44

I don't think you get free school meals with tax credits Dior but, you do get help with school uniform/clothes.

Baffy - did he have a genuine reason for cancelling or do you think he has an idea of what you wre going to be saying?
If he continues to be arsey then you could just go straight to the solicitor and have him served with the papers

If he cancels on you tomorrow, leave him a message on FB!

Baffy · 30/10/2007 12:51

He did have a reason - he's having trouble with his car and so would have had to get the train over, making it an hour journey to get here, lunch, then hour back... and he suggested tomorrow when his car is back on the road so that it's easier and he doesn't have to be out of work so long.
Which is fair enough in a way.

But I just hate being let down. I'd worked myself up for it all.

Pity his new flashy car to go with his expensive apartment and batchelor lifestle is a complete heap of junk! He can't get the central locking to work so he can't get the doors open or the petrol cap open to put petrol in! That's why he can't come! At least that bit cheered me up!!

TimeForMe · 30/10/2007 13:01

PMSL! That is great! I would love to be a fly on his windscreen! plonker!!
It just gets better and better doesn't it!

Don't be stressing about the delay, all good things come to those who wait!

TimeForMe · 30/10/2007 13:02

am still laughing at that thanks for sharing, it's made my day!

Baffy · 30/10/2007 13:09

You've got me pmsl now too!
At least I can still laugh hey!!

Plonker indeed!

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