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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

NEW FAB AND GLAM

952 replies

Dior · 17/08/2007 13:32

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Baffy · 26/10/2007 09:46

thanks MoH

I did just read through all of your posts on the other thread but that was a good summary too thanks
so he called it off a couple of weeks ago, but now he's back and wanting to give things a try - but still acting like an arse, moaning about everything, and generally being vague... it's a difficult one.

it seems as though he did all the chasing early on, and now he has you he is acting like he couldn't care less.
maybe you need to start acting that way too (easier said than done I know!). but if the ADs are starting to work, then hopefully your emotions will not be too all over the place, so you can concentrate on acting like you don't care - arrange things to do for yourself, things with friends, things with dd - if he chooses to be there too, then that will be lucky for him. if he doesn't then it's his loss. keep reminding yourself that.
you have been happy when it's just you and dd in the past, so you can get that back. he's making you believe you need him. but you don't. you want him. but only if he is bringing happiness into your life. if he is miserable and evasive - then let him go off and be miserable on his own!

as for your ex - I know how hard that is but you didn't think it was right for you and although he was so close to dd you ended that relationship for good reasons - everytime you find yourself thinking about him, remind yourself of why it ended in the first place. that always helps me. focussing on H's bad points - I am the master at it now!!

so sorry to hear about your grandparents too

Baffy · 26/10/2007 09:48

ernest I don't think that's anything to be concerned about - your body is well used to this pregnancy lark by now and also it's still early days - I know my symptoms and endless morning sickness didn't kick in until about 8 weeks.

also - maybe it's a girl this time and it will be a completely different pregnancy and there won't be any symptoms...

MascaraOHara · 26/10/2007 10:21

blimey I feel better already, thanks Baffy.

Should have joined this thread ages ago!

Baffy · 26/10/2007 10:34

always here when you need anything at all - we've all had such a crap time recently, hopefully between us all we're learning from it and getting a bit wiser by the day...
everyone on here is great too - whenever you're down there is always someone to cheer you up.

and guess what - I think I'm 15 again - have just booked tickets for me and my sister to see the Spice Girls in Manchester in January!!!

TimeForMe · 26/10/2007 10:52

OH my God! I go away for one day and come back to THIS! What on earth have they done to MN!!

I'm too old for all this

Loving the witches though as you can probably tell!

Hope all my fellow teabags are well and happy. I'm going to try and make sense of the new site now!!

Original poster
Dior · 26/10/2007 12:13

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MascaraOHara · 26/10/2007 13:04

Sounds like you had a nice day yesterday Dior.

Let us know how you get on today. hope it went alright

Baffy · 26/10/2007 13:08

I don't know how you put up with him Dior - his moods and stroppyness, all because you are getting out and seeing your friends. Doesn't he want you to be happy?

Glad you're feeling much stronger though. Hope it goes well with PILs xx

ginnedupumpkin · 26/10/2007 15:55

Baffy - NM sounds absolutely lovely, especially how he understands that you and ds come as a package. He's passed the first test!!!
Have a wonderful weekend - you deserve this sooo much.
x

ginnedupumpkin · 26/10/2007 15:56

Mascara - that sounds horrendous. You've come to the right place - we'll sort you out in no time!!!

ginnedupumpkin · 26/10/2007 15:58

Dior - let him carry on, every time he behaves like that its just one more reason for you to end this.
Good luck at PILs. I know what you mean about not being yourself there. I feel a bit like that too sometimes, especially with dp's family - there are loads of them and they are all so LOUD!!

want2feelbetter · 26/10/2007 17:45

Do you think I could join you here? Dior I feel very similar to you at the moment .

HappyWoman · 26/10/2007 18:25

This for anyone who is fab and glam but have been through it a bit and come through in different ways.
You will soon have a name change want2feelbetter if you stick around us
Anyway hope everyone has a good weekend if i dont pop in over the weekend i will try and catch up early next week but we have another week of half term to get through.

macdoodle · 26/10/2007 20:55

Ernest how well done your boys ...I was always a sceptic but funny how a new life comes along to replace an old loved life....my LO was conceived the very week my adored gran died sounds like your LO is a blessing from MIL as well a nice thought for me...my little precious Lily a final gift from my beloved grandmother (an old precious Lily)
still being strong as best I can - going from mixed sad scared to strong....but think it is better this way and calmer for me and DD.....
Baffy at NM I would not dare at moment - think H would kill a NM (really...)...would not want to drag poor soul into this man...but give me 6 months or so
welcome all new gals - these girls are amazing - I felt like new girl for a bit but they have been nothing but supportive and caring - they feel like true friends even though have never met them...wish I had had them a year ago

Original poster
Dior · 27/10/2007 11:06

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Original poster
Dior · 27/10/2007 11:14

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ginnedupumpkin · 27/10/2007 13:56

Dior - poor you. He's such an arse. Its
not good for ds to hear him talk to you like that. I think you are amazing to have put up with it this long.

Want2 - welcome aboard!!

Dp is on a charm offensive atm. He's going out of his way to be perfect. He's decorated the ds's bedroom, which I've wanted done for ages and he hasn't been drinking at all. I'm not impressed though - I've seen it all before. He had to change his doc's appointment to Monday morning as he had to stay at work yesterday and couldn't get away(I know this is true as the owner of the house he's working on was coming down to check on progress so he had to be there).

I just wish he could have been like this last weekend.

Good news is that we've got a relate appointment for Monday evening. I can't believe we got one so quickly.

So ... big day for us on Monday [smile}

Hope everyone else is OK.

Original poster
Dior · 27/10/2007 15:17

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want2feelbetter · 27/10/2007 16:49

Ok, to fill you all in. (sorry for no personals but dh might get back anytime)

Should prob point out I'm a regular...I've had to name change for this because of problems with a couple of people on my postnatal board.

Basically since I had my lo, I've found it hard to be around dh. I love him but not sure I'm in love with him iykwim. Had a horrible birth experience. I've also had lots of panic/anxiety problems so find leaving the house difficult. I've been challenging myself - signed up for mystery shopping and that sort of thing which is going well. I find that dh makes things difficult, he treats me like a victim and it makes me worse, like he thinks I'm pathetic. He never seems to be happy if I meet up with friends and I find that really hard because it takes a lot of effort for me to go to meet them in the first place (because of my anxiety). Because of all this I ended up cheating with another guy (it didn't go as far as sex but I'd still call it cheating). Now I'm stuck...I don't know if I want dh, I know the other guy doesn't want me. The only thing I do know is I'm doing my best to overcome my panic attacks and try to sort my head out at the same time.

Tanee58 · 27/10/2007 18:35

Hi Want2, welcome - I'm a fairly new Fab&Glam member though I've been MNing a few months now. So sorry to hear your story - you & Dior do seem to have similar Hs - are you considering counselling? Have you tried talking to H about how you feel?

Ernest, I felt so sad reading about your MIL - she sounded lovely - we hear about so many negative relationships on MN that it's good to know that she and FIL were happy together for 39 years. DP and I will have to keep VERY healthy to make that milestone (unless his liver pegs out).

Baffy, reading about your MN brought the tears to my eyes. He sounds WONDERFUL !!!! He seems to be saying and doing exactly the right things. You deserve it, enjoy!

Must call DP now, as I've found a cheap international call company, and pop round my parents later, so I'll sign off for today. DD and I went to Oxford Street earlier & spent far too much - including some lovely lingerie from M&S for my trip to Germany next week. Counting the days...

Hope you all have a good weekend - especially you, Baffy!

TimeForMe · 28/10/2007 09:20

Hi Wanttofeelbetter

I think your name sums up your situation perfectly! I would say that at the moment you are feeling totally lost. You don't know 'who' you are. I wonder if you could be suffering from depression?

Falling into the arms of another man is not the answer to your problems though I'm afraid. He probably made you feel good at the time but, I wouldn't say it did your feelings for your dh any good, it probably made them worseas you had someone to compare him with. Someone who was giving you something your dh wasn't.
Also, your dh and his treatment of you, didn't force you into the arms of another man, this was a choice you made, albeit in a desperate attempt to be 'yourself'.

You say your dh treats you like a victim but, this doesn't mean you have to be a victim. He seems a bit insecure to me, also a bit worried about you. Could he have picked up on the 'thing' with the other man?

I think you really need to concentrate on yourself for a while, treat yourself kindly, nicely, do anything to raise your self esteem. Love yourself. Only when you really love and respect yourself can you decide whether or not you truly love your husband.

Welcome to Glam and Fab by the way

want2feelbetter · 28/10/2007 15:34

Time For Me - I think you've summed it up perfectly there.

My dh knows about the other man. We've talked about that after it happened. My dh was very understanding about it and was fine about me continuing to talk to the other man as long as it was just normal everyday kind of talking iyswim.

You're right though that my dh is insecure about things. I guess I often forget that.

We haven't talked about counselling. It's something I'd quite like to do but at the moment I don't have the confidence needed to speak to a counsellor . I'm hoping that setting myself little challenges to improve my confidence will enable me to go down that route in the future (hopefully the near future!).

want2feelbetter · 28/10/2007 15:37

Oh and meant to say that I've had depression in the past. I don't think I have it now, I think perhaps I'm still trying to figure out who I am now that I have a baby if that makes sense? I feel a bit like I've become "mummy" and lost "me" a bit.

TimeForMe · 28/10/2007 18:21

it makes perfect sense!! And, if you don't mind me saying, you sound to have a lovely, understanding husband there!

How would you feel about counselling just for yourself? As a way of helping you to raise your self esteem.

Life changes immensely when we have babies. We try so gard to cling on to the life we used to have before 'junior' came along which really only makes things worse. What we have to do is embrace the change and enter into the different phase of our life that a baby brings.

I understand where you are coming from when you say that you have lost yourself and become 'mummy'. You have to make a conscious effort to find you again and to keep 'you'!
Have you got an interest or a hobby you would like to follow, just you, away from the baby. Or a friend you can have a night out with once a week?
Something as simple as that can change the whole dynamics of the relationship and make you feel a lot more worthy, not to mention the fact that you will have something to look forward to each week.

Boredom is our worst enemy sometimes. We feel guilty as mummy's admitting we feel bored being with the baby all day and looking after the home but, we shouldn't, sometimes we need something for ourselves too.

MascaraOHara · 29/10/2007 09:03

Hi guys, thought I'd check-in after the weekend.. it's been a funny one.

The bloke (must think of a suitable acornym for him, boyf doesn't sound right, definitly not dp, NM isn't really accurate) anyway.. the bloke invited dd and I over to his place Sat night, I decided to go at about 4:30 (didn't feel I had the energy but forced myself). It was really nice, I picked up some food on the way over and he cooked while I put dd to bed. Had a nice morning although all of us up very very early (he doesn't sleep well either so the pair of us in the same bed is a nightmare). Spent the first half of the morning there. Hope this is the start of it being 'normal' again or it's really going to screw my head up.

A few things going on with my family that are good and bad.

I've had an initial 'assessment'(?)appoitnment come through for counselling. Problem is it's the middle of the day, not sure I'll be able to come back to work but can't tell bloke so don't know how to play it.. why is nothing ever easy?

Looking forward to hearing about Baffy's weekend.

Dior, sounds like your weekend was hard!