Getting my DH back

[wXyZ123]

I have been with my DH for over 30 years, he has left me, I don’t think he is happy, I would like him to come back and I am frightened of being alone, this is my story, please help me.

As soon as I met my in-laws I felt intimidated by them. DH shared too much information with them, was too influenced by them, put them first and became melancholy after he saw them. I asked him not to see them, to keep away for as long as it took for things to improve. We had occasional contact which always upset us both.

After about 5 years we married, my parents were unwell and could not attend, I did not want DH’s family there.

After our children were born we saw DH’s sister, we all seemed to get on ok but the relationship fizzled out, DH says that was because there was always an “elephant in the room” – the broken relationship with his parents who even now I have only allowed to see our 18 year old children twice.

I was frustrated that rather than build a social life for us or to recognise the efforts I had made with his sister, DH seemed only to focus on what he did not have with his parents and sister.

Nine years ago, I discovered DH was seeing his parents and contacting his sister behind my back, I gave him an “us or them” ultimatum. Later I discovered I had breast cancer, my oncologist told me the stress of discovering DH’s deceit in seeing his parents may have been a contributory factor. I told DH, I don’t think he accepts any responsibility. Our already minimal sex life dropped to non-existent.

DH tried to broker a thaw in relationships, but all that happened was that he and I rowed, he never saw how hurt I was by his parent’s attitude to me , how frightened I was, only how we had wronged them and how he felt

Three years ago DH walked out, leaving me alone with our children. I let him have space but told him I could not cope unless there was a chance of reconciliation. He said there was, we met a few times, he said he felt he should return but did not want to.

After a year he seemed to want to return, but confessed to an affair with a former girlfriend I was devastated. DH and his parents justified his behaviour suggesting I was at least partly culpable. I wanted DH to be contrite and to break all contact with OW . DH wanted me to make returning appealing to him, to promise not to keep him from his parents and sister. Meanwhile OW would not let him go, threatened me with police action if I contacted her and suggested to the police that DH had been the victim of coercive control inflicted by me. As a result of the police threat and learning of the affair our children don’t want to see DH till the OW is out of the picture.

Now DH tells me that the guilt he feels at having only seen our children once in 3 years (and not at all since he confessed to his affair), at leaving me alone to do everything, at the sorrow he has inflicted, makes him want to return but that he loves OW.

I think DH is depressed and unhappy, that he should leave OW and then try to rebuild a life with me and our children. DH says he wishes he could; rewind time, had handled our differences better and had not got into the position he has.

How can I resolve this? I want the best for me, for DH and our children. When I tell DH how I blame OW he defends her, says its not her fault and that she was his life raft in time of need, that he would like us all (his parents, sister and OW) to be friends – I tell him that is cloud cuckoo land which seems to drive him back to OW

What should I do?

I bet you are keeping the children from seeing their father. You will have poisoned their minds against him, used your ‘poor me’ whining guilt to keep them away. Shame on you.

Chunkers

I fear you're right and can only hope that once they are no longer living with OP, they come to see her as she actually is.

Mum, is that you?

Exactly 30 years ago my father left my mother for OW. I was 21, with two brothers of 18 and 22...and I had got married 3 days before he left. I was still on honeymoon when it happened, and came home to WW3.

My mother emotionally blackmailed myself and my two brothers into dropping all contact with my father...I've not seen/heard from him in 30 years. He could be dead for all I know. My mother behaved so badly after the break up my father went into hiding - I can well believe if it had happened now she would have been acting exactly the same as OP.

I finally got tired of her emotional blackmail, feeling sorry for herself and general toxicity and moved to the other side of the world. I've only seen her twice in the last 20 years, for a total of 2 months.

my parents died 20 years ago, I have little to do with the rest of my family. I will try to stop clutching at straws, to let DH /ex alone, try to sort my self out, help my children finish A levels and start uni and see what happens. Thankyou to those that have shown a hint of understanding for me

Funny how you forgot about your arm pit lump and how it suddenly went down. Also, you sending reminiscent texts about 'autumn leaves' is you trying to keep control.

Pathetic.

Bloody hell. This is really disturbing stuff.

Absolutely f deluded!

I think the OW is right and she isn't really an OW as he left and got a girlfriend. You are controlling OP, very controlling. So what if you didn't like the way his parents are? You could have not had a relationship with them but to force him to not speak to his parents and not let your children know their grandparents? Too far. Be single

So textbook, not receiving the required responses so throw out the "pity ME, feel sorry for ME" passive aggressive comment. Why is it no surprise to hear you have little to do with the rest of your family, there is one common denominator in all this.

I think you have been badly damaged OP. I think somewhere in your past you have experienced a childhood or a trauma that has really warped your ideas of normal and your reactive and controlling behavior is a result of that.
It doesnt surprise me that you are no contact with the rest of your family.
If you want to help your kids you need to let go of control and you need some serious therpay, probably years and years of it, to unpick and rebuild yourself from whatever it was that has made you like this.
Its hard bloody work. Its difficult. Its dark. Most people with these behaviours dont want to do it, but women are more likely to succeed than men.
But do it to help your future relationship with your children, and your future relationship with their children. Dont do it thinking it will get your ex back. Thats gone, its too damaged to ever repair and thedynamic between you both is too broken and too entrenched to ever be anything other than destructive.
Do it in the hope you may find someone new, or you may grow to like yourself enough that you are not frightened of being alone.

Op

I do feel for you I really do. It's just so very sad. The fact your dh let
You get away with this toxic behaviour for so long probably only strengthened your belief that you were right . I really do feel for you , but you must let him go now and try to heal the damage that's been done over decades of abuse- tho I accept that you didn't see it that way.

The one thing you can do now for other people is encouraging your boys to have a relationship with their father - and his
Partner and parents. Clearly that would be very very difficult for you it would be the totally right thing to
Do for your boys . 💐

Op if you do nothing else read @theprincessmittens post

If this is not your child it will be in the future.

The only thing you should be doing is blocking contact with your now ex. Giving his number to your children and encouraging them to find there family.

@theprincessmittens I hope one day you can find your dad and rebuild the relationship

You stopped your husband seeing his family

You blamed your husband for you getting cancer

You told your children details of the break up and about the OW , that they didnt need to know. (You ruined the relationship between them and their dad)

Your husband needs to stay away from you.
Poor guy

Are you going to get some counselling OP?

Thank you @Starlight456, but for the trouble it would cause, it's really not worth it. My mother is even more bitter now than she was the day he left...even though he has now been married to the OW for 6 years longer than he was married to her. Anything that goes wrong in her life (and it's very little, she's had a pretty comfortable life since) she automatically blames on my father.

I would have left you years ago. The poor man, leave him alone

The fact your dh let You get away with this toxic behaviour for so long probably only strengthened your belief that you were right . I really do feel for you

So it's his fault?

Fucks sake, I have read some shit on here.

But saying he let her get away with and you really feel for her?

People wonder why it's so hard to leave their abuser. And this is one of the reasons. Doesnt matter what abusers do, theres still a good number of people that believe if the victim had have done something different, their abuse wouldnt have been able to abuse them.

Either you're delusional or you're intentionally manipulating him to the point of sustained abuse.

If it is the former then please get a referral to mental health services and show them what you have written here.

Batshit 😱. You are so self absorbed and selfish. What happens if your DC's want to marry someone you don't approve of? More ultimatums? You'll happily cut your children off? Good luck to your exh and your children, you make their lives very hard with your emotional abuse.

Without your family and parents support around you really sound very lonely. Please go to the GP and ask about therapy. Even starting with something general like CBT to change your thoughts from “no one agrees with me” to something more helpful might help you. Then it’s a door into some more talking type therapy. I have had CBT a few things and you can even do it online or over the phone. You don’t need to go into past details with CBT as it just about now and changing your thought process.

If your in your fifties you have decades of possible happy times with your boys. But you must get help to step back a bit and loosen your grip on controlling everything. Honestly people are giving you valid advice on the therapy front. My own relationship with my mum can’t be fixed ever because she can not ever see any wrong. But you could mitigate that with your boys if you get help to stand back and see things more clearly.

It’s been three years so maybe just ease off the texts etc and start focusing on you, your mental health. Surely this isn’t making you happy? No one should base all their hopes and happiness into one person. It’s just never going to end well.

This is so batshit I actually believe it!

Your last comment is the most sensible comment you've made so far. I really hope you mean it....

Look my mother is the same kind of person as you sound I am the only one of the family she has left at the age of 80. She made my childhood hell with the control she wheeled and drove 3 husbands away with what you described. She kept me away from my father who left her for another woman when I was 3 and after court visitation she got me to call him uncle, I knew no better as she had refused visitation and then stopped it completely until he gave up I saw him at 18 next by then there was no father daughter bond and the rest of the step fathers left after she dominated every thing there was no freedom what so ever. She has n c with my older sister or grand children nor her brother and nieces no one will even look at her in passing. She still trying to take control of me my husband and children and clashes very often giving threats and guilt trips. Also after a miner health problem after seeing a consultant only once no exrays or scans she. Told everyone that she had cancer and started demanding attention that was 7 yrs ago and she's had no more visits or any treatment and sees no wrong in what she did. I say this because I would no want to be in her position at 80 with only one of her children been there and all the rest n c and my children doing all they can to avoid her so get something else to fill your life and avoid him and don't interfere in his relationship with the children as you will be judged by the children and they need to be free to choose where they are.