I have been with my DH for over 30 years, he has left me, I don’t think he is happy, I would like him to come back and I am frightened of being alone, this is my story, please help me.
As soon as I met my in-laws I felt intimidated by them. DH shared too much information with them, was too influenced by them, put them first and became melancholy after he saw them. I asked him not to see them, to keep away for as long as it took for things to improve. We had occasional contact which always upset us both.
After about 5 years we married, my parents were unwell and could not attend, I did not want DH’s family there.
After our children were born we saw DH’s sister, we all seemed to get on ok but the relationship fizzled out, DH says that was because there was always an “elephant in the room” – the broken relationship with his parents who even now I have only allowed to see our 18 year old children twice.
I was frustrated that rather than build a social life for us or to recognise the efforts I had made with his sister, DH seemed only to focus on what he did not have with his parents and sister.
Nine years ago, I discovered DH was seeing his parents and contacting his sister behind my back, I gave him an “us or them” ultimatum. Later I discovered I had breast cancer, my oncologist told me the stress of discovering DH’s deceit in seeing his parents may have been a contributory factor. I told DH, I don’t think he accepts any responsibility. Our already minimal sex life dropped to non-existent.
DH tried to broker a thaw in relationships, but all that happened was that he and I rowed, he never saw how hurt I was by his parent’s attitude to me , how frightened I was, only how we had wronged them and how he felt
Three years ago DH walked out, leaving me alone with our children. I let him have space but told him I could not cope unless there was a chance of reconciliation. He said there was, we met a few times, he said he felt he should return but did not want to.
After a year he seemed to want to return, but confessed to an affair with a former girlfriend I was devastated. DH and his parents justified his behaviour suggesting I was at least partly culpable. I wanted DH to be contrite and to break all contact with OW . DH wanted me to make returning appealing to him, to promise not to keep him from his parents and sister. Meanwhile OW would not let him go, threatened me with police action if I contacted her and suggested to the police that DH had been the victim of coercive control inflicted by me. As a result of the police threat and learning of the affair our children don’t want to see DH till the OW is out of the picture.
Now DH tells me that the guilt he feels at having only seen our children once in 3 years (and not at all since he confessed to his affair), at leaving me alone to do everything, at the sorrow he has inflicted, makes him want to return but that he loves OW.
I think DH is depressed and unhappy, that he should leave OW and then try to rebuild a life with me and our children. DH says he wishes he could; rewind time, had handled our differences better and had not got into the position he has.
How can I resolve this? I want the best for me, for DH and our children. When I tell DH how I blame OW he defends her, says its not her fault and that she was his life raft in time of need, that he would like us all (his parents, sister and OW) to be friends – I tell him that is cloud cuckoo land which seems to drive him back to OW
What should I do?