Getting my DH back

[wXyZ123]

I have been with my DH for over 30 years, he has left me, I don’t think he is happy, I would like him to come back and I am frightened of being alone, this is my story, please help me.

As soon as I met my in-laws I felt intimidated by them. DH shared too much information with them, was too influenced by them, put them first and became melancholy after he saw them. I asked him not to see them, to keep away for as long as it took for things to improve. We had occasional contact which always upset us both.

After about 5 years we married, my parents were unwell and could not attend, I did not want DH’s family there.

After our children were born we saw DH’s sister, we all seemed to get on ok but the relationship fizzled out, DH says that was because there was always an “elephant in the room” – the broken relationship with his parents who even now I have only allowed to see our 18 year old children twice.

I was frustrated that rather than build a social life for us or to recognise the efforts I had made with his sister, DH seemed only to focus on what he did not have with his parents and sister.

Nine years ago, I discovered DH was seeing his parents and contacting his sister behind my back, I gave him an “us or them” ultimatum. Later I discovered I had breast cancer, my oncologist told me the stress of discovering DH’s deceit in seeing his parents may have been a contributory factor. I told DH, I don’t think he accepts any responsibility. Our already minimal sex life dropped to non-existent.

DH tried to broker a thaw in relationships, but all that happened was that he and I rowed, he never saw how hurt I was by his parent’s attitude to me , how frightened I was, only how we had wronged them and how he felt

Three years ago DH walked out, leaving me alone with our children. I let him have space but told him I could not cope unless there was a chance of reconciliation. He said there was, we met a few times, he said he felt he should return but did not want to.

After a year he seemed to want to return, but confessed to an affair with a former girlfriend I was devastated. DH and his parents justified his behaviour suggesting I was at least partly culpable. I wanted DH to be contrite and to break all contact with OW . DH wanted me to make returning appealing to him, to promise not to keep him from his parents and sister. Meanwhile OW would not let him go, threatened me with police action if I contacted her and suggested to the police that DH had been the victim of coercive control inflicted by me. As a result of the police threat and learning of the affair our children don’t want to see DH till the OW is out of the picture.

Now DH tells me that the guilt he feels at having only seen our children once in 3 years (and not at all since he confessed to his affair), at leaving me alone to do everything, at the sorrow he has inflicted, makes him want to return but that he loves OW.

I think DH is depressed and unhappy, that he should leave OW and then try to rebuild a life with me and our children. DH says he wishes he could; rewind time, had handled our differences better and had not got into the position he has.

How can I resolve this? I want the best for me, for DH and our children. When I tell DH how I blame OW he defends her, says its not her fault and that she was his life raft in time of need, that he would like us all (his parents, sister and OW) to be friends – I tell him that is cloud cuckoo land which seems to drive him back to OW

What should I do?

Very uncomfortable reading. Have you sought medical help for your mental health op? I think it would be really helpful.

So I wonder what an appropriate punishment for soliciting a married man, adultery , going along with his deceit brutalising and alienating him from his family would be? Please do tell me do I can inflict it

You write this OP and then claim you are a victim of abuse? Remind us who it was who alienated your husband from his family for no good reason? That would be YOU.

You are desperate for revenge, vindictive and cruel. You accept no responsibility for your own despicable actions and behaviour towards your husband, his family or his now partner.

I sincerely hope that your husband's parents, sister and new partner continue opening his eyes to the abuse you have inflicted on him and that their support of him will ensure he is strong enough to stay away from you. You have done such a number on him that he is showing signs of someone suffering from Stockholm Syndrome.

I was right, you are not the slightest bit ashamed of what you have done to him, on the contrary you are proud of it and have enjoyed it. You have received a unanimous, objective view from posters on this thread and none of it has made a difference and nor will it.

OP what are you struggling to cope with on your own? You have two grown up children. There are millions of women who cope with multiple children, toddlers, babies etc. My friend has 5 children ages 2 to 14 and she has never once moaned that she can't cope or can't do it on her own. I can't see that two 18+ children need all that much physical parenting. I know my 11 and 14 year olds don't.

It's all about you. You you you.

If this is real. It's fucking messed up.
Seriously, you need professional help. Before you ruin the lives of your children too.

I still think that in his heart DH wants to come back but that he does not want to upset OW. See how he responds to me, the last text in the string came in this morning!

OP to DH I found that string of texts so upsetting I didn’t read the last one None of your replies made me feel you took on board anything I wrote
For some one who wants to come back you could try to be a bit kinder, more interested in me , you never even just contact me to ask how I am

DH to OP
I know I need to be kind & interested
I know I need to word texts and mails carefully & speak carefully
I know I've hurt you all
and I know what I need to do
As I said in a two word text you found to short last weekend and that then sparked a downward spiral - I Know! - and I'm sorry in the spiral I took you back to a hard place
I do care, I am concerned re your arm pit lump

OP to DH ( E mail) Your texts put me back in a very dark place I had no wish to revisit and from which I am struggling to get out
I wanted to try to ‘put to bed’ once and for all two issues hence this email
Please do not respond, other than to acknowledge if appropriate. I try to make allowances for the impact of your possible autism in communication but that doesn’t take anyway the inappropriateness and brutality of much of what you write
I am happy to meet to talk about this email or indeed anything else. I very much regret you didn’t get yourself to a position in the summer where we could spend some serious time together
So

1. Keeping you from your family / the funeral issue. I didn’t have a problem with family events but with contact with your family and your reaction to it. I felt put down humiliated, bullied and unsupported and insecure. It affected me mentally and then physically

You want me to understand you and your sisters ‘elephant in the room’ along with presumably your fathers letters , your mothers depression, your background etc etc. You can’t have it both ways DH. If it was ‘in my gift ‘to ignore how I felt it was surely in your gift to carry on seeing your sister, for her to see us, for your father not to write in the way he did, for your mother to change. You can’t keep on singly me out and making excuses for everyone else including yourself. Either we all had no reason to behave as we did and could all have behaved differently, or we all behaved as we did for good reasons. To still throw the ‘ it was your gift’and the funeral at me is at best not helpful in the current climate where you tell me whenever we meet you want to come back at worst it’s catastrophic to me putting me back somewhere I have had to dig really deep, with no support, to get out of

1. At last you have been honest over what has always been evident.....that that woman’s police intervention had nothing to do with fear of contact from me but was a vicious unprovoked attack to cause me maximum pain. Which it did, along with collateral damage to our children. There was one really easy solution raised by me and anyone I have recounted her actions to, had her intention been to protect herself from further contact she could have just blocked my number but didn’t choosing an altogether more drastic action.

That reinforces my view that we can never have a friendship whilst you are with her and that my fears over her stability are genuine It makes me all the more astonished that that action alone isn’t enough to make you leave You have all treated me appallingly over the last 3 years, however Despite that I still feel our boys should come first and deserve something better We can meet if you want .

OP to DH Leaves falling down reminds me of autumnal walks together

DH to OP Yes, quite melancholic

OP to DH I find it a pleasant memory Am concerned you are v depressed

DH to OP It seems we are concerned about each other I am concerned about your arm pit lump found last week and how tired you are
My CBT suggests to me that my depression is around the me / us ( inc DC) / parents & sister and latterly OW triangle / rectangle - that I always wanted - but failed to - resolve amicably - the guilt I feel towards all of you. Anyway if I disassociate past autumnal melancholy from happier past times I am not that down.
OP to DH Not that Down about past or generally ?I forgot re lump in my arm pit couldn’t focus
Think run down and swollen gland as has gone down. Are you feeling better then you looked better but your texts don’t come over as you are better Maybe if you nowknow what you want to do you have turned a corner

DH to OP Maybe, Hope your self diagnosis of lump is right

He is afraid of you op. He’s afraid he won’t see his kids for thirty years so has to keep you sweet.

Oh OP.

You posted here because you presumably wanted some help and guidance. Almost everyone who responded has said that you are unreasonable and controlling. You ignore that and keep trying to re-explain that your behaviour is justified.

It's you. Your behaviour is the problem. And until you start accepting that instead of denying it nothing will change.

Love, get some help.

There is nothing in those exchanges between you that suggests he wants to come back to you. He sounds like a nice man who is trying not to hurt you more and keep things on an even keel.

The mind boggles

Dear Mr OP's Ex, ffs run away. Block all contact before you alienate the woman you actually love. Or is your partner already coming to the end of her patience? Is that why you're reluctant to drop communication with your disturbed and disturbing ex?

I know I need to word texts and mails carefully & speak carefully

Oh, he knows all right. 30 years of walking on eggshells will have well and truly drummed that into him.

OP, I know you won't do so, but please seek help. For your own good, and for the good of those around you.

Op
You have a real issue with control. You keep saying he isn't taking on board what you say = you aren't doing what I want /tell you to do.

He sounds like a man who has been conditioned to stay loyal through years of abuse. A man who just can't quite cut the ties. Not a man who wants to come back . I'm sorry for you . You sound so bitter and unable to grasp that you're actions , even now, are manipulative and abusive.

He would be an utter fool to return to a life of that and I dare say anyone who cares about him is telling him so.

He doesnt want to come back.

You are a master at pushing blame on to hi. And manipulation. Even if this is fake, the fact that you can come up with this shit a pretend to be a victim shows there is something wrong with you.

He is still in a place where he feels guilty for being happy. He still thinks it's his job, to be responsible for your happiness.

I am surprised he even believes there is a lump after you wanted to make him take responsibility last time.

Stress is to be kept at a minimum when being treated for cancer. They same for any illness. Stress did not cause your cancer. You know this. You are using this lump as a way to guilt him more.

Once he can divorce you quickly. He will stop doing that.

Op, his girlfriend had every right to call the police. You were harassing her. And e wa right. Because tw police agreed.

If you want to harass people you need to expect they will use legal routes to stop you.

Again, I see nothing there that suggests that he wants to rekindle any kind of relationship with you.
Is there a chance that he has aspergers too?
He certainly speaks like someone who may have, who is struggling and has learned about behaviour and is trying not to set you off.
He can be concerned about you, as someone he has been involved with for a long time, as the mother of his children, without wanting to BE with you. I can understand my abuser perfectly and it helps me to see that his behaviour is the result of a personality disorder, but it doesnt make it acceptable, or that I would wish to retuen to him for more of the same.
My feelings from what HE has written is that he wants contact with the children but thinks that it will make things worse because of your behaviour.
You are very very manipulative. Everything you write to him is passive aggressive, emotionally manipulative, self pitying and trying to paint yourself as the victim in order to control him. Interspersed with vile attacks and insults.
He is taking steps to address his mental health - he is having CBT, and therefore some therapy. I suspect he is still entrenched in the FOG

However I think you are so convinced of your being correct and in the right, that you are reading what you want into the exchanges. You are convincing yourself that he really wants to come back. I think his contact is because he wants contact with his kids

How old are the kids btw? we are assuming they are adults but that may not be the case

You're updates aren't helping. If this is true, you're still wrong. His partner (not OW) was right to call the police on you. You're still harping on about stuff that happened 30 years ago. He's not going to want to come back to you lambasting, punishing and orating at him. How is that appealing? What has he lost? The relationship with his DC, yes - with seems to have been orchestrated by you. What has he gained? Freedom, some peace (honestly, he should block you at this point). He's escaped

I feel terrible for your poor ex.
Leave him alone.

The fact that you acknowledge that you harassed his current partner but see her as being at fault for reporting the harassment to the police is very striking. Yes, she could have blocked you, but she also had every right to report a crime committed against her.

It was your actions (the harassment) at the root of the police involvement. Without the harassment, here couldn't have been any police report. Don't you see that?

You’re reading what you want into this. Him caring for you is not him wanting to be back with you. Him knowing you are volatile and has to word things carefully is not him saying he’s interested.

You are the one who uses words with “brutality”. Genuinely. It is all coming from you.

You are completely toxic OP. The responses of your OP are of a man bullied to the point of completely falling apart. I am actually deeply worried about him from his responses.

No one can see what you are apparently seeing in his replies that is giving you some hope. The fact he is not able to tell you to just fuck off is a symptom of the abuse, not a sign he still wants to be with you.

If you loved him at all, you would let him be.

*responses of your OH.

It is absolutely heartbreaking to see what you are doing to him, the poor man obsessing over how a two word response has set you off. I can't actually read this anymore, you are torturing him.

Poor man. You sound fucking terrifying.

You sound like a narc. Everything is about you and you have absolutely no empathy for anyone else. Manipulating and isolating your husband so you could control him, then playing the victim when he finally has you sussed.

YOU just won't listen will you.

YOU can tell yourself all want that HE wants to come home, NO he doesn't if he wanted to then he would have.

This is all in your head, and bares no connection to real life. HE does not want to come 'home', He doesn't want any type of relationship with you. He's not 'depressed' although with you in his life he bloody well should be.

And I don't know why I'm even replying as YOU have YOUR truth in YOUR head and YOU will not move from it. It doesn't matter what any of us, your family, your friends YOU will not listen. YOU are determined to be the victim and YOU don't care about any one but YOURSELF. YOU think the world revolves and around YOU and it doesn't.

what I hope is that he will divorce you, so that you know its over for good. And apply through the courts for access to his children. You are providing him with plenty of evidence of your controlling and aggressive behaviour to allow him to demonstrate why the contact since he left has been so poor - you do realise that the children are entitled to see their father - they are not pawns for you to use to control him - and that no court in the land would deny him contact NOR dictate what he did with them during contact time, nor who he saw them with. Carry on like this and they could even say that you are harming them.

But seriously you need to take a look at how you behave and what is driving that. What the hell happened in your own formative years to make you believe that how you behaved towards him regarding his family was acceptable, why you felt you were entitled to make those sorts of demands, and why you felt so threatened by his family and incidents that really didnt warrant the kinds of response you gave

But I doubt you will go for it. I doubt you even read half these answers because we are not playing to your tune and that doesnt work well with personality disorders. They are notoriously difficult to treat because in order to help you need to accept that you are wrong. And with that everything has to be rebuilt.

People are not part players in your life, actors on your stage, that you get to control and direct. You are not a tragic heroine at the centre of the drama of your life. Those people have feelings too, they have needs, they have lives. And the law is the law and is rightfully invoked when you harass and frighten people.

I believe this thread is real. OP sounds A LOT like my mum.

OP, you'll fuck up your DC just like my mum did with me and my siblings. That's sad to read.