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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Newish man and money comments...

325 replies

WhatTuesdayBacon · 31/10/2019 09:58

I’ve been dating someone for around 4 months. He’s quite keen (I like him but I’m not as certain yet).

I’m around 10 years younger than him and he’s recently paid off his mortgage (he chose to tell me this early on!). I have a good job but have only really just got on the property ladder, have car repayments and only just starting to pay off anything decent with my student loan. That said, I do have spare money and can afford to go away and do things. My point really is that while I am independent, like most people it’s not always easy and if something goes wrong like a boiler breakdown then it’s your usual panic situation. (Yes I am saving a little as I go before anyone latches on to that! Grin)

This man, lets call him Pete, has made a few comments about money that I find unusual compared with people I have dated before. I want to give all the facts so this may be relevant...I had the week before this comment mentioned that I hadn’t stayed out long for drinks with friends as I had overspent a bit last month on a trip away. It was a flippant comment, made in passing when he asked why I was home earlier than expected. Later that evening we talked about going to the cinema one weekend soon and he asked me if i could afford it. I found this comment strange? Almost like he was checking if I would be expecting him to pay, which I find very insulting! I make decent money and he can quite clearly see that I’ve set up life for myself without any help from anyone - I’m not a freeloader. And then on top of that, given he’s paid off his mortgage and likes to comment on that (fair enough he’s proud to have done it at a reasonably young age), you’d think he wouldn’t actually be bothered about forking our 15 quid on two cinema tickets IF it was the case that I couldn’t pay for it.

He’s made other similar comments, for instance I said I didn’t want to pay for a taxi back from town as I was going on holiday soon so I was happy to drive and just have one...he said ‘we’ve got to pay to meet up one way or another and it’s nice to have a drink.’ Again, rather than basically telling me I should pay for a taxi, if it matters so much just drop me off on the way back before he goes to his?!

There was also a night out very early on, date three maybe, where he wanted to take me to some bars he knew of. It was very expensive and when the bill came he said to the waiter immediately that we’d split it. Given that he’d wanted to ‘take me to these places’ where I had no say in the cost as they were new to me, I feel like he should have at least asked if that sort of place was ok before we went in, or been prepared to pay for it. I wouldn’t take a friend somewhere extremely expensive and assume they will spilt a bill with me because I had decided we would go there. It seems rude.

AIBU? He’s generally nice in all other ways but lack of generosity is a turn off for me, especially when someone is wanting to constantly express how comfortable they are and then makes these sorts of comments. I’ve no issue paying my own way (I always chose that option) but his attitude makes me so uncomfortable...

OP posts:
Boysey45 · 31/10/2019 19:35

Well you need to be closed minded about him because misers do not get better. Its impossible to reform them. They get worse and worse until the thought of spending money makes them ill and they will do anything to save a few pence.
If you end up with him, you will have a right fight on getting money off him if you have children etc.You'll have no life with him.

Examssuck · 31/10/2019 19:46

I really want to know what your job is! Lawyer?

I haven’t read it all but everything you’ve said would put me off so much.

priceofprogress · 31/10/2019 19:50

Exactly what Itsallpetetong says. What do you think to that OP?

Cleanmywindows · 31/10/2019 19:54

Read some of the threads on here from women with children whose DHs insist they pay 50% of everything even when they're on mat leave / control all access to all accounts and make them ask for money / keep tabs on every piece of spending and pass judgement on their financial decisions. This is where this man is headed. Don't be that woman! If you want to SHARE a life with someone and particularly if you see children in that life, pick someone better.

Supersimkin2 · 31/10/2019 19:54

I bet his exW paid off his mortgage to get rid. Men are often much happier than women to take.

This new relationship can't go anywhere - tight.

BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 31/10/2019 19:58

I wonder if this is age gap related. You said he was keener than you. Maybe in his head you’re already moving in together and merging things and he’s (consciously or not) in that mindset.

Tbh, this early on it’s all a bit depressing and not very romantic. I’d lean back a bit personally, keep an eye and take the next few weeks as fairly pivotal.

BunnyKelly · 31/10/2019 20:38

Sounds horrendous.

Sunflower20 · 31/10/2019 20:41

At this stage you shouldn't be feeling unsure or put off about someone. I think it says it all, he's not the right one. He sounds way too fixated on money and that's a turn off.

Inebriati · 31/10/2019 20:55

I think you have different attitudes towards money, and to the social expectations linked to money.

the impression I get is that you know how much you have coming in, going out, and you allocate yourself some savings and some treats. You sound like you have a balanced attitude and so although you can't afford to spend without thinking, because you are in control of your money you are relaxed about it all in a way that he isn't.

He took you to 3 expensive bars and insisted you pay half, but without discussing the cost first. And I think its reasonable to feel uncomfortable about it. That's not how you manage your money.

Its also pretty controlling, and it sounds like some weird kind of dating test rather than a genuine date. Is it possible that he is he is trying to find out if you are a 'golddigger'? If you arent sure what I mean, google 'dating techniques negging'' and ''dating techniques how to weed out a gold digger''
www.quora.com/How-do-I-weed-out-gold-diggers

timshelthechoice · 31/10/2019 21:14

On the contrary, in online dating you really need to put some firm boundaries in place and stick to them. You do not owe someone a relationship. It's never a good idea to accept treatment that you would not mete out to a friend from a date. He has given you plenty of evidence that he is controlling with money. He won't get better. This is who he is.

cccameron · 31/10/2019 21:22

He sounds awful

Redtartanshoes · 31/10/2019 21:26

Tight. Worst trait. Move on

crazyhead · 31/10/2019 21:38

There are worse qualities but this would irritate me loads and sounds deadening. Surely when you first go out with someone, you romance them a bit, buy drinks, get your sexy outfit on, put on a bit of a show!?.
And being blunt - you're ten years younger than him. So you probably look younger and a bit more attractive, would be more likely to land up looking after him in old age than vice versa if you stayed together - that's not nothing, youth is a currency of its own. But God knows you shouldn't dare to expect him to poney up for a couple of cinema tickets :)

dreichsky · 31/10/2019 22:09

I can’t imagine him wanting to treat me without there being a discount somewhere in there

Really? I'm fond of a bargain but living with this for the rest of your life? Maybe your dc's lives?

WhatTuesdayBacon · 31/10/2019 22:36

I don’t really want to say exactly what I do as it will be outing but I’m a doctor and the field I am in means I’m still training, with a long way to go!

Maybe my instincts were right then. Since I’ve pulled back on the messaging he’s become a bit more intense. Not looking forward to the conversation.

OP posts:
Examssuck · 31/10/2019 23:00

Good luck with your training OP.

Sounds like you do not need this in your life tbh! A short and sweet ‘cheerio’ message is all you need to do.

dontalltalkatonce · 31/10/2019 23:02

Your instincts are always right. There's no need for a conversation/drama. You don't even know him after 4 months. You just tell him that the relationship isn't working for you and you need to move on. If he presses, you just say you're incompatible and you need to move on. He's far too full on this early in, tbh, and put that with his tightness and controlling behaviour - the taxi, the inviting you on a date of his choosing to expensive bars and then announcing you'll split the bill, the nasty 'Can you afford to go to the cinema?', the money talk and smugness - should be setting off some serious alarm bells in your head.

dontalltalkatonce · 31/10/2019 23:07

I would have bailed on him for good on the bar date when he told the waitress the bill would be split - just got up and left after I saw the prices. You need to grow a tough hide when it comes to online dating.

TarMcAdam · 31/10/2019 23:13

He sounds tighter than a duck's arse and I also suspect he's on the hunt for a high earning/well off wife.

TarMcAdam · 31/10/2019 23:17

You could say you're entering an intense period of training with work that will be incredibly demanding, time consuming and tiring .. and you can't give the time and attention to a relationship, it just wouldn't be fair in you I'd the other person.

Or that you have been given a valuable opportunity to gain experience overseas and can't turn it down. Far away .. Canada of better still New Zealand. (Are you likely to run into him.in your area?)

TarMcAdam · 31/10/2019 23:17

*or the other person

dontalltalkatonce · 31/10/2019 23:21

You could say you're entering an intense period of training with work that will be incredibly demanding, time consuming and tiring .. and you can't give the time and attention to a relationship

This. Just leave it at this.

AllDaySnacker · 31/10/2019 23:25

His fixation with money and financial security could have stemmed from upbringing, previous good / bad experiences, beliefs or just cautious future planning. You won’t be able to change his attitude.

Most of my extremely well-off friends also happen to be the most penny-pinching ones. My other friends who enjoy buying drinks and gifts have a different kind of happiness that doesn’t take a fat bank statement to trigger.

If your financial attitudes are both strong and not compatible, you will probably have frequent disagreements, however minor those might be.

How about inviting him to a Meerkat Movie and bring your own popcorn. That should float his boat. Then ask him the brutal questions you have to ask before you decide if you want to pursue this. It’s handy that this cropped up now and not after years of him ‘subbing you while silently screaming in his head’.

WonderWomanBra · 31/10/2019 23:27

OP I'm sorry but he sounds really tight!

Mrsmummy90 · 31/10/2019 23:27

Massive turn off! He's tight and far too interested in your finances.

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