False promises

[heneverkeepshisword]

So basically my bf has cheated on me in the past, promised me he was sorry blah blah, then I caught him messaging her again.

He begged and begged and pleaded for 5 months for me to give him another chance, she's blocked etc etc....

So I said okay I'll give him one more chance but he has to change his number...he said fine he will do anything it takes...

He goes to check when his phone is up for renewal and says it's only in a couple of weeks so he will change his number then.....
He then gets a new phone and contract without changing his number....so I tell him again that I will only give him another chance if he changes it...he then agree to do it last weekend but then something came up so he couldn't, promises that this weekend he will do it...

Had the conversation tonight and now he's saying it's pointless as she is blocked so he's not doing it!

I feel I should just walk away now as 3 times he promised and now has backed down.
Not the only thing he's backed down on....he promises me so much when he's trying to get me back and then as soon as I'm back it all goes out the window!

I don't know what to do?

I have to go but I will write later.

He contacted me last the other day. His emails go straight to my Trash. I no longer read them. There is nothing there for me except a nice penis.

And quickly, the question is not why HE kept coming back, the deeper question is why I ALLOWED it and why I WENT back.

Answer on his side is the usual one: power and control. No doubt he could not find another woman quite as malleable as me. I gave him massages every day, bought him gifts all the time, wanted a lot of sex, did my own thing, never pestered him for time very much. And looked GOOD to his family after his two failed marriages in a row. Plus we had history. We went back 30 years to student days. And guess what? He was a wanker then and had the nerve to criticise my body on a couple of occasions. I was 21 years old and fucking perfect but his words scarred me. But funny how when he found me again, he said the SAME FUCKING THING almost 2 years in.

I left, went back, left, went back. Thought he was insecure, excused, rationalised.

Truth is he is simply a cunt. Lol. And he never deserved my time.

Why did I go back EVEN after his criticisms? Needed to get a life at home, needed to LOVE MY FUCKING SELF FINALLY and stop listening to his manipulative shit. I was badly trauma bonded and loved the sex, but he let me down over and over and over again.

Just get real and see him for what he REALLY is woman.

Gemma is absolutely spot on. My experience exactly. And Avocado too! It's so clear. Trauma bonds and cognitive dissonance. They're fuckers.

He had sex with you when you didn't want it. Whatever you call that, it's horrible. Normal men don't do that, however amazing the sex.

Mine used to coerce me into sex too - make me do it every day by manipulating me. Sometimes he'd wake me up in the night and have sex with me too. I called it rapey (because it was) and he went into a massive narcisstic rage about it. I backed down, just like you did.

Oh and I was good supply. In so many ways. I am intelligent, attractive, I have two degrees, I have lots of hobbies and can debate him into a corner many times over. He couldn't find anyone who would love him so much and take his shit and keep coming back. His two wives ditched him and he never expected me to leave. Ever.

I think he cheated but quite frankly, who cares.... there were plenty of signs of it but I was in love with his penis and the illusion and escaping my life here.. and my life here is actually really fucking good and I only needed to realise that and get out there and have a life. He had me thinking I would never meet anyone else or be anything without him.

CLASSIC narcissist. Dangerous. Very bad for mental health and they harm many people. His second wife had posts about narcs on her FB. Should have been a warning.

Hope your date goes well!

Thankyou for all your help! It truely is helping!

I know I need to think more of me and why I accepted this man into my life but I'm just so confused atm!

I've now had a letter 🤦🏻‍♀️

I read it...,why did I read it!

I don't see what's so confusing - he's treated you like shit! He wants you back because you've shown him you're willing to put up with crappy treatment and that's pretty damn convenient for him.

If you take him back it'll be history repeating itself.

OP, disengage.

Latter back in the envelope and either bin it or burn it.

If you keep it then you'll keep reading it and be in danger of believing the presumably romanticised version of events he will have constructs and all his promises to change.

You know who he is.
He isn't good for you.
He is toxic and has made you feel shit.

I know it sounds harsh but you really need to act in your best interests now, and quickly. This has gone far enough and it sounds like you're still close to slipping back and being talked into speaking again.

Time to make a definitive decision and stop!!

*letter back in the envelope

I was tempted yes and then I get this message of another unknown number.....

"Ok I’m done keeping on but I meant what I said about tomorrow night... I’ll be gone from the gym by 8. Come over no fighting or fighting to get you back just to talk. Part of me thinks you already have a date or something but I’m hoping not. You know I’m going to wake up at stupid o’clock and you know how shit this is and you can still put me through it! I’ve changed the number even tho we’re probably not going to get back together but anyway I’d would be lovely to even get a message off you let alone bloody see you.
Night x"

And it made me angry and I chucked the letter and blocked that number too!

I'm putting him through this still? Fucking idiot....he really doesn't get it's all his fault!

This guy's gestures are all of the cheapest, easiest kind.

Writing a letter is REALLY EASY. It requires very little work, no commitment, no action beyond pressing a pen into paper.

Try this experiment. Pick up a pen and write something.

See how easy that was? It's that easy for him as well.

Talk is cheap op. He knows exactly what you want to hear and he will write anything you like to get you to do what he wants you to.

Cross posted.

Good on you OP.

There's none so blind as those that won't see. Remember with folk like this, they just try every angle they can until they get a response.

If you really want to see the measure of him, just keep silent and let him run through every tactic in the book, and then back round again... eventually he will lose his temper and he'll hope that scares you enough to get in touch... then it'll be suicide threats... then begging... talking about the good times... blaming his childhood... on and on and on and on.

These sorts of men are depressingly similar.

Wow he's really playing the victim isn't he?

Stay strong OP. You've done the right thing blocking him.

Yes I just have to remember that he has said all this crap before!
He is promising me the same stuff in this letter that he was in his last letter a few months ago....yet none of it actually happened!
Getting abit boring now!

The fact he is claiming he is the victim is what has helped! Jesus if I put him through what he did me then he would soon realise who the victim is!

Yea right the fact he thinks he's the victim now actually helps me! I want him to suffer!

Well done OP.
You've found your anger.
Harness it.
Keep him blocked.
Keep blocking other numbers he uses.
You are awesome.
You got this!

Swear these muppets have a dickhead manual they use. Everything he's said at some point also came out of my ex's mouth too. It's so bloody predictable and boring.
"Just to talk" is bollocks. He wants to fuck with your head and say all the things he knows you want to hear, if he meant anything he'd said in the past he'd have done it by now.
Well done for blocking. Don't be sucked back in by anything he tries, it's all just a game to him

Please keep telling me stories of how all your ex's did the same as I'm really struggling today.
Keep wanting to message him just to argue my point but that's how I get sucked in everytime so I must just ignore him!

The lasts time I gave him a chance it was to argue with him and he worked his way around me!

God this sucks!

Delete his new number!!!!!

OP, give your phone to a neighbour and ask them to look after it for the day.

Do Not Engage with him.

Keep blocking the new numbers he uses. Cut him off.

It is what he wants. Attention. None of the whys and wherefores matter any more. He is your EX. You are no longer in a relationship with him. You owe him nothing, no explanation, no reasons, no listening to his wheedling and excuses, no 5th 6th or 7th chance, NOTHING!

And stop giving him all your headspace. Keep busy. Watch a box set. Read a book. Go get your nails done. Listen to a Powerful Woman playlist.

Have you even accessed those online blogs and resources that @Gemma1971 helpfully gave you?

If not, then do it now.

Come on OP, you've got this.

OP all of us have heard the cheaters script, it's like they get sent a copy when they start being arseholes.

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Generally it's along the lines of:

I didn't do that

I didn't do that and I'm offended you asked me if I did

Ok, I did a tiny version of what you accused me of

I didn't tell you because I didn't want to hurt you and I knew you'd get the wrong idea about it

Ok, I did more than I first admitted
I couldn't tell you because you're so controlling about these things and I knew you'd flip out

I can't tell you these things because even though everyone else's girlfriends are cool you're the only one with an issue

You are fucking mental

(THEN, if you break up, this is usually followed by a short lived bombardment of contact begging you to reconsider / they'll change etc.

If one fails they try another - texts, phone calls, voicemails, emails, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, letters etc

If this wins you back (god forbid) is ALWAYS followed up by a return to bad behaviour once they get comfortable again.

Rinse and repeat

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Time to grow up and stop the cycle OP - take control of your own life, stop giving this loser so much headspace and move on.

It doesn't matter why he does the things he does, so stop obsessing over that. All that matters is working out why you didn't leave for so long and how you can begin to love yourself enough not to get sucked back into this toxic relationship or any others.

You can do it!

Keep at it OP.... just remember

He can Jill himself, but not change his number another load of tosh.

You can change a number with one simple phone call - I've done it myself. No need to wait for a new contract - load if tosh

He'll change - but only when you finish with him you've said it yourself, actions speak louder than words.

Seriously, you deserve so much better than this... my ex used to promise me all sorts of shit when he could see I was about to finish it, but would never ever deliver. You've done the best thing. Keep blocking numbers, burn letters and block emails.

Thankyou!

I think me telling myself that he has promised so much so many times and nothing has ever changed is what will get me through!

I haven't heard anything since last night so hopefully he has got the hint. As normally a letter through my letterbox and I would message him....I didn't so that's a huge step!

Just please remind me that not all guys are like him and there are some decent ones! Not that I will be going near another guy for a long time!