False promises

[heneverkeepshisword]

So basically my bf has cheated on me in the past, promised me he was sorry blah blah, then I caught him messaging her again.

He begged and begged and pleaded for 5 months for me to give him another chance, she's blocked etc etc....

So I said okay I'll give him one more chance but he has to change his number...he said fine he will do anything it takes...

He goes to check when his phone is up for renewal and says it's only in a couple of weeks so he will change his number then.....
He then gets a new phone and contract without changing his number....so I tell him again that I will only give him another chance if he changes it...he then agree to do it last weekend but then something came up so he couldn't, promises that this weekend he will do it...

Had the conversation tonight and now he's saying it's pointless as she is blocked so he's not doing it!

I feel I should just walk away now as 3 times he promised and now has backed down.
Not the only thing he's backed down on....he promises me so much when he's trying to get me back and then as soon as I'm back it all goes out the window!

I don't know what to do?

OP, stop questioning yourself. what do I do? You know what to do.

You have made your decision. Why on earth would you change it now?

Tell yourself that you cannot change what is done. You have ended it. It is therefore ended. There is no relationship to recover, rekindle, resume, enter into, subject yourself to.

It is over and you owe him no reply, response, accommodation, listening ear or explanation.

You are a fierce single woman now. Enjoy it for a long while, do stuff that benefits you, and rebuild your self esteem.

He is gone. If he tries to manipulate you, which he will, then ignore it. Specify his email address as spam in your email app. Don't read anything he sends to you. Block his new number. Eventually he will give up, but not until he has run a campaign to overpower you, so you must not let him have access to your communication channels or your head.

It is easier to stick to a decision you have already made when you accept that it is irreversible. Ask your friends to help you clear out and deliver his stuff, and collect yours. Tell everyone you are no longer with him and you need their support to stay that way.

Agree with Gemma completely. I've been there too! Don't be that woman that goes back again. Don't be her.

I don't actually think it helps to write a list. I have a list from someone in this very position - many lists actually - and they've gone back. To a really scarily similar situation. Disengage completely. NC is the thing that will help you the most. More than anything else. Read all about trauma bonds. It takes hard hard work, but it's so worth it. I am so angry at my treatment. So angry. And the fucker is denying and lying and I hate him for it. (I really do).

Can you access counselling OP?

The change of number stuff is so predictable. My ex emailed (several accounts), and has contacted me via instagram, facebook, strava, and also accidentally bumped into me at 2 separate actual places including outside my house. In a previous cycle, he waited for me outside my children's school. Has done withheld number calls. I block and new accounts pop up.

I've tried leaving him but he won't let me move on.

I'd have dumped him as soon as he cheated and also he doesn't get to decide whether you move on or not, you just do.

He's treating you like a doormat and you are allowing him to do this.

OP you've had a stroke of luck that @Gemma1971 has explained things incredibly and articulately as yet another person who has been through what you're going through now.

Please
Please
Please

Remember how he has made you feel. How he has humiliated, disrespected and used you.

How he will have laughed behind your back and say he could have you under his spell again any time he wants.

Prove him wrong in your ACTIONS, not as part of a power game or he said she said.

The action required is simple to say but hard to do, STOP COMMUNICATING WITH HIM.

Text from him? Do not answer, Block and delete new number

Call from him? Do not answer, Block and delete new number

Email from him? Do not answer, block email address

Letter from him? Do not open, write "return to sender" so he knows you haven't even read it

No. Lines. Of. Communication. Any. More.

At all. It's over now, you'll be letting down your future self if you don't draw a line under this... and quickly.

The reasons targets of these con men types find it hard to leave is usually because of a trauma bond. There is always something good about the relationship too, something the target is getting out of it. Even if it is only the drama high in an otherwise lonely life.

But these situations are all based on power and control. The abuser wants all the power and all the control. Again, if you listen carefully to how a victim or target speaks, they use terms that express powerlessness, lack of agency, fear of loss... the abuser has honed in on this, usually by inducing fear or low self-esteem.

All a nasty Jedi-type mind trick played usually on lonely and sometimes needy people. We all need companionship and they often hook in on individuals who have successful lives, children, a thriving business, but have little or no companionship. This is why it is hard to leave.

The brain has to be retrained. First of all, the person has to ACCEPT that the abuser is NOT a good or healthy person to have a relationship with, grieve that, then work on themselves and on establishing healthy personal boundaries. But by continuing to allow contact, this perpetuates the misery, The victim MUST see the abuser for what he or she is, and whether we want to call them dangerous, evil, whatever, the one thing that they are is toxic and bad for us.

But THAT is hard to accept at first, and that is because of the addiction to the highs and the lows and whatever is good about the highs. The victim has to understand at a logical level what has been done to them... the programming by the abuser. Usually this is the hardest stage, as cognitive dissonance holds sway in the brain. Here we have two opposing thoughts "But he LOVES me, he left flowers, he is texting and calling and cannot live without me". The other "But he lied to me, he has been shagging other women, he refuses to change his number".

Which one do you think will win? Probably the first one if the abuser's program is left in the brain and the victim is too afraid to hit the acceptance stage of the TRUTH. The second conflicting statement is the TRUTH. He is a liar, a cheat etc... Once that is truly taken onboard, the real work can begin.

Thank you Avocado!

Thankyou for all this it really is what I need to hear right now as it's playing mind games in my head! I know we're not right I know I'm not happy when I'm with him but now he's changed his number a small part or me feels I owe him a chance as he's gone threw the hassle of changing it. I know I don't owe him but I can't help feel like that!
So all your comments are really helping me not message him, so Thankyou!

No I don't have access to counselling as I can't afford it. But will do the freedom project.

I am really struggling and it's so annoying!

The struggle is real. I even toyed with "going back" recently.

Pointless though. You deserve REAL love and please never forget it. These abusers try to make us feel as if they are the last potential person on the planet and it is NOT TRUE.

I am currently half way through the Freedom Program, and whilst I would say that it is definitely supportive, so far it focuses on identifying abuse. I feel as if I am past that and still need help to work on myself. So do it, but also look at other programs.

The names of YouTubers I gave you in an earlier post are VERY helpful. Especially Lisa A Romano, in terms of getting to the roots of why you accept shitty treatment and how to heal. She also has excellent books and they are inexpensive on Kindle.

Another fab resource is Shahida Arabi and she has an FB page and website. Again, great books and a lot of large extracts from her books are published as free articles.

Valuing yourself above all others is key to this. Once you see your own inherent worth, you will ask yourself WTF was I doing... I STILL am surprised by my utter docility and doormat behaviour around my ex. I run a fairly successful business and am very much a confident person in that respect. When it came to him, I was very different. I think when you make the final stand to these individuals and show them that you KNOW your worth by NOT taking them back, they get one hell of a fucking shock. But they still try because to them, to lose, is akin to annilhation.

Power and control motivate them. Not love.

Lisa A Romano
Melanie Tonia Evans
Ross Rosenberg
Peace and Harmony
Shahida Arabi
Balance Psychologies

Feel lonely? Get onto YouTube and instead of wasting time on or with him (God forbid), listen to these people who have all been through abuse and are experts. I got away.. after YEARS of back and forth... and longer than 2 let me confess... by using these excellent FREE resources.

They stopped me going back. My LOGICAL brain kicked in and said GEMMA WTAF..... get listening today.

Remember, you are weak right now. He is counting on that.

What does an army do in a war when they believe the opponent has better weapons or more soldiers?

Think of your situation as a battle. It is in your head at least. Cognitive dissonance has fucked you over...

So what do you need to overcome the enemy? Right now you feel powerless and he is stronger? You need the right strategy. A strategy to outwit the enemy.

This strategy needs basic rules and a dedicated foot soldier (you).

No contact. This means delete ALL messages before reading. BLOCK where possible. Inform all friends and family that you do not wish to hear about him. Block on social media. Block all mutual friends if they are on his "side".

Leave the gym. Find new one. No excuses about location or money. Do it. Avoid mutually frequented places for at least 12 months. Until you feel so fucking empowered that your light shines so bright that he doesn't even register in your thoughts.

Vibrator that resembles his penis if you miss sex. Worked for me.

Sex was my MAJOR hook. He played on it too. Then after sex he would sometimes insult me, under his breath, or poke at bits of my body and tell me I wasn't good enough, then deny it. What would you have told me to do? I still slept with him several times after that. Then one day my self-worth punched me in the face and told me to tell that motherfucker he has no right to access MY wonderful body if he does not respect me, nor does he have the right to my time, my thoughts, or any other part of my life.

Took me a while to get there. But to get ANYWHERE near a point of no return, you need to stop associating with the enemy.

Tough love time I'm afraid.

Your version of him going the extra mile and really trying to win you back through hell or high water is totally distorted!

All he's done is a relatively small thing you asked him to do AGES ago.

A thing you begged him to do but he refused and accused you of being unreasonable in asking for it.

A thing that he knew made you cry and feel insecure, humiliated and anxious.

A thing that meant he was still in contact with the person he cheated with.

A thing that is simpler than ever to do and really isn't a big "hassle"

A thing that could have made you feel better, not even more anxious, over the last few months.

So why the fuck is him FINALLY doing something he should have done ages ago be seen by you as him "trying"?!

Come on OP it's time to really reflect on his behaviour and why you are accepting such a low bar that him finally deleting one number seems like a win to you both?!

STOP analysing whether he is going to change or not (he isn't) and start working on what YOU want from life with him not involved at all.

By all means explore why you have put up with such behaviour but stop using up headspace to analyse *his behaviour"!!

Disclaimer - this post might sound harsh but you sound lovely and I don't want to see someone lovely get reeled back in to all this shit!

I would veer between love and hate. Bet you do too. Why? Cognitive dissonance and the brain chemistry is all messed up.

Now I feel something akin to disinterest. He emails, they go to Trash. How are you from him means "can I interest you in coming back..?"

I have been on three dates with three different people since him. One had potential but way too young. One I kissed. But did not want to see him again. The other was weird. But I am nearly 50 and the ex monster told me I would NEVER meet another man as I am old, ugly, grey haired.

Most people think I am 35 or around that. He was a nasty, jealous little shit who spewed venom to manipulate me. I know my worth now. And other people are starting to see it. My inner light is shining. He tried to put it out. Power and control you see. And he controlled me for far too long. I know how you feel. Break the spell!

PP is right, analysis = paralysis.

I wasted time, I could have had two fucking medical degrees by now for the amount of time I invested analysing the tosser lol.

Focus on YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.

Oh and the different phone number or numbers. He probably already has more than one number already. Cheater's trick.

And you owe him exactly NOTHING.

Giving him a chance is like accepting crumbs from the table Oliver Twist style. You take him back now, he will be laughing till it hurts behind your back at your sheer gullibility.

.. and your desire to give him yet another chance shows you are still deeply enmeshed and stuck in the powerlessness of the trauma bond and cognitive dissonance.

If you are serious about changing your life, I sincerely recommend immersion in those YouTuber channels. They saved me from a life of degradation, cheating and being used. I hope you see the light and most importantly, that you finally start to value yourself way above this scheisster.

@Gemma1971 how long have you been away from him now?

I need tough love really I do I need to remember he is not going to change!
I can't believe how hard this is!

Yes I go from "oh he wasn't that bad, I know he hasn't cheated since that one time as I have been in contact every second we're not apart," but even if that's true it's not a healthy way to live! To I bloody hate what he has done to me!

It's the way he tries to blame me for him not being able to sleep....so everytime I break up with him, he gets this skin condition due to stress and can't sleep at night and he basically tells me it's because of our situation!
Whereas I sleep better when he is blocked and can't contact me and I remember me ending it means he is not getting away with any of the stuff he has put me through!

Was with him on and off for 8 years. There was a long period between 2014 and 2015 that we weren't together, almost 2 years. Long distance. A one-hour flight.

Most recent time I saw him was April. But I had "packed my emotional bags" many times before then. I left him more time than I have had hot dinners.

He begged me to come back before New Year. I went back and even missed an important family birthday for him (silly me). After a few days on holiday with him he made several nasty remarks and denied even saying one of them. The next time in April he did the same, poked and pulled at my barely there stretch marks after we had just had "amazing sex". Then he got angry because I was upset at him and refused to speak to him. I was stuck in another country and had no spare cash for a flight at the time. I could not wait to get home. I ditched him on Whatsapp then changed my number. He did not deserve a face to face ending.

That was it. We all have our last straw. There have been MANY worse things than that though.

If you need tough love, here it comes:

Don't be a doormat, an idiot, weak-willed, stupid, blind.

I was all those things for a nice penis and the most amazing sex ever. Well scratch that... it was only sex. NOT love. Someone who loves you DOES NOT HURT YOU, LIE, CHEAT or DEGRADE YOU.

Just don't be a fool. He thinks you are a fool. You are easy.

And he raped you.

Did you ever start to believe that maybe you were the one that was the narcissist? Like that maybe you are the toxic one?
As for some reason that's what I'm thinking? Like maybe it's me that's made him this way?

He is never horrible to me like you guys describe, except always pointing out that I have a hairy face. But other than that he would never be verbally horrible would just give me the silent treatment and make me feel on edge.

This isn't me making excuses I just like to compare to other people's story's as it helps me for some reason!

So it's still fresh for you then really!

Do you still hear from him? Or has he moved on now?

On and off for 8 years...that's crazy! Did he cheat on you a lot? I don't get why a guy you end with so many times would keep coming back?
Like if someone had ended things with me and kept blocking me I would think fuck you I deserve better than this!
Like I have done this so many times he is always worried about getting a long message from me ending it....I couldn't live like that...

He used to tell me I was ungrateful, crazy, stupid.. nasty, impatient, arrogant.

If I was ever any of those things, then it was in response to his abuse.

A common part of this process is questioning yourself. Nobody is perfect but FFS. Did YOU make him cheat? Why could he not be faithful?

And pointing out flaws is nasty - unless he was telling you that you missed some shaving or plucking.

Silent treatment and stonewalling also methods to control you.

I recommend that you start informing yourself on those channels.

I have a date tonight and need to go get ready yay!

No it's not fresh. Like I said, I had already left him in my head.

"Like maybe it's me that's made him this way?" Ermm tough love. FFS NOOO. Did you make him put his penis in other women?

He has done a number on you. Use those channels X