Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

False promises

655 replies

heneverkeepshisword · 30/10/2019 22:42

So basically my bf has cheated on me in the past, promised me he was sorry blah blah, then I caught him messaging her again.

He begged and begged and pleaded for 5 months for me to give him another chance, she's blocked etc etc....

So I said okay I'll give him one more chance but he has to change his number...he said fine he will do anything it takes...

He goes to check when his phone is up for renewal and says it's only in a couple of weeks so he will change his number then.....
He then gets a new phone and contract without changing his number....so I tell him again that I will only give him another chance if he changes it...he then agree to do it last weekend but then something came up so he couldn't, promises that this weekend he will do it...

Had the conversation tonight and now he's saying it's pointless as she is blocked so he's not doing it!

I feel I should just walk away now as 3 times he promised and now has backed down.
Not the only thing he's backed down on....he promises me so much when he's trying to get me back and then as soon as I'm back it all goes out the window!

I don't know what to do?

OP posts:
heneverkeepshisword · 04/11/2019 21:50

Yes that's me!

I set up that thread as I couldn't find this one!

It happened this weekend but has happened lots of times before where I am in tears because I feel bad that I can't have sex with him! He has this way that he rolls his eyes at me if something is wrong and just goes "another excuse not to have sex" when I have never ever made up an excuse as our sex was the one good thing about the relationship!

OP posts:
Gemma1971 · 04/11/2019 21:54

Jeez, so he uses you for sex even when you are ill, even when you have THRUSH?

Good Lord, what are his redeeming qualities? Does he have a big dong with flashing lights and a bottomless bank account? He is a MONSTER!

Gemma1971 · 04/11/2019 21:58

"... our sex was the one good thing about the relationship!"

Mmm, dopamine and oxytocin release during sex and at orgasm. Good sex binds people together like nothing else, like super glue. Trust me I know.

But that is all it is. Good sex. A nice penis. Nice orgasms or whatever. He.... he.... the poker of the penis, is NOT a good person. You have to separate the two. Love is not good sex.

And good sex makes a trauma bond harder to break. If he had a tiny willy and erection problems he would be history months ago already, am I right?

I KNOW because I have been there and I miss the good sex. But it is not worth keeping Mr Shagaluf I will shoot myself bonks half the town uses you for another bonk around. Believe me... there is a world full of men with a variety of penises.

Jaffacakebeast · 04/11/2019 22:00

If you think his phone number is the problem you’re going to be very disappointed, so many ways of communication na days. You shouldn’t have to police some1 into being faithful. As soon as you take your eye off the ball he’ll be up to no good. Get rid while you’ve still got your sanity

heneverkeepshisword · 04/11/2019 22:03

Yea and the reason I left my ex husband was because I didn't want sex with him....and then this guy comes along and OMG the sex was/is the best I have ever had and he even says the same.
We always said that maybe the sex is good because we loved each other so much! Obviously now I know that was only true on my part.

But yes it's hard to break when I'm feeling lonely and know he's on the end of the phone to get that amazing sex and closeness!

I'm f**ked basically. lol.

OP posts:
heneverkeepshisword · 04/11/2019 22:05

@Jaffacakebeast yea I had all his passwords to all his accounts so thought the change in phone number might help me gain the trust back!

I know now that I'm kidding myself and even if I could trust him again (which I now no I never will) that really isn't the only problem in this toxic relationship.

OP posts:
heneverkeepshisword · 04/11/2019 22:07

Binding us together like superglue is a very good way of describing it!

I really thought I found the one Hmm

OP posts:
Interestedwoman · 04/11/2019 22:21

You sound like such a lovely, fun person. I hope you get so you can realise it more and have a great time!

Well done for getting rid of this wrong'un. Distract yourself, see your friends (who you can tell as much or as little as you want) and please stay with the program :) Hugs xxx

AFairlyHardAvocado · 04/11/2019 22:24

Let's turn that around to get something positive from a horrible situation.

In a weird way he is "the one" - it's just that he's "the one" who has taught you what you DON'T want, what behaviour you WON'T tolerate and the importance of self love and strength!

He's been an absolute cunt and a bully - he's shown you exactly the kind of man you never want to let into your life again.

Once he is out of your head (and we all understand that doesn't happen overnight) you'll be in a position to make healthy choices that make you happy.

ThanksThanksThanks

AnnaNimmity · 04/11/2019 22:42

They do make you feel like "the one" Op - with the love bombing, the gifts, compliments, sweeping you off your feet and the frequent sex. It all generates dopamine which keeps you hooked. You think that you're soulmates because you have so much in common. You laugh and have more fun and more connection with this person than any other person. But it's just because they're playing you - my ex had 3 women at one stage who all believed they were the one. Because he was so persuasive.

I thought so too - But actually he was just mirroring me - he took the best of me and mirrored it back to me. Of course I felt we had so much in common, and we shared so many experiences. We loved the same things. We meshed so well. It was all fake. But all this mirroring and lovebombing just allowed him to get me hooked, to let my guard down so he could treat me badly. Drop me and then watch me suffer. Until he comes back to start the cycle again, with promises and tears and sob stories. The highs and lows were both tools to keep me hooked into this poisonous cycle.

Like the PP says - he is the one. The one that will teach you to be aware of red flags. To never give anyone more than one chance. To remember that boundaries are there to protect you.

I think it was on your other thread, in one of the links. Even if you say to yourself that 50% of the time he was amazing, lovely, kind and you know he loved you. What about the rest of the time? What do his actions say about that?

heneverkeepshisword · 05/11/2019 07:06

I've just woken up this morning to a missed call and a message from him on a different number saying he's changed his number!

What do I do?

OP posts:
MotherofTerriers · 05/11/2019 07:23

Don’t reply, block the number. Get on with your day and don’t give him headspace

FlowersInThePot · 05/11/2019 07:33

Did he cheat on his previous GF to get with you? Is it a pattern with him? You have children so have somewhere to live - does he? Or is he with you for a bed for the night?

Surely if he has a woman who he texts/calls, why does he not just go off with her? Is she married or with someone?

Please don't be taken for a mug - I say this as I have been there. What message are you giving to your children???

heneverkeepshisword · 05/11/2019 08:08

Yes there was an overlap between me and his ex which I didn't find out till later on. He has his own place. The girl he cheated on me with was while he was away for 6 months. He has visited her a couple of times but she lives to far away...he doesn't do long distance relationships...that was why him and his ex decided to split but he would still see her when she came hone from uni.
So I think that's the only reason he isn't with this other girl is because of the distance

OP posts:
AFairlyHardAvocado · 05/11/2019 08:55

He's changed his number because you've blocked him.

Do. Not. Reply.

You've said it's over so its over.

No good can come of any conversation at all - disengage completely and don't reply!!!

heneverkeepshisword · 05/11/2019 09:03

I just dont get why he couldn't do it when I asked to help reassure me but yet when I block him he can do it just like that!

I was doing okay

And now I have just checked my emails and I have an email from him too!

Why say ur not going to fight and then do this!

There's me thinking I was doing okay

OP posts:
AFairlyHardAvocado · 05/11/2019 10:05

Oh my love. He's so predictable.

Why didn't he do it before? The answer is simple - he didn't want to and he didn't think you'd leave even if he didn't do it.

They always fight for us when they finally believe we are done with their shit. They panic and do what they can to make you concede.

I've had more flowers from abusive dickheads after I've ended things than I have during the relationships!

He's realised you mean it this time (which I hope you do!) so he's trying everything he knows to reel you back in.

You need to ignore, disengage and block. Don't reply, don't negotiate, don't agree to meet up and "talk".

If you want this to be over then you need to commit to that and push through this bit.

TwiddleMuff · 05/11/2019 10:14

SO predictable 🙄

Block and move on with your day. He’ll never change.

heneverkeepshisword · 05/11/2019 10:48

I have just ignored everything!

In his email he has said he's doing it to prove he cares not to get me back Hmm

God sake

OP posts:
NewAndImprovedNorks · 05/11/2019 11:03

Keep ignoring! That is where your strength lies

heneverkeepshisword · 05/11/2019 11:39

I'm trying!
I was so tempted just to message him on the new number saying wtf a little too late don't you think!
But I know he will argue with me and be able to turn me around!

It's just so annoying!

OP posts:
Gemma1971 · 05/11/2019 11:49

Every post from you reminds me of the old powerless Gemma, the pathetic woman who jumped out of her skin with delight and shock every time Mr Ex Dong with Flashing Lights "fought for me". Snort. What I mean by that is, came creeping round with emails and changed numbers trying to find out "how are you".

FFS. Nooooooooo This;

"I was doing okay

And now I have just checked my emails and I have an email from him too!"

Again, not being harsh, keeping it real though, you are still handing him your power. Obviously and naturally the trauma bond is still strong and he has control over your feelings. What do you mean by what do I do now? Of COURSE he is going to try and get a lost target back, and that is ALL we are to these users, targets, objects, items. He KNOWS you are easily conned and wooed, so he is doing what he has ALWAYS done. "Fight" (cough cough) for you, which basically means testing the water until you inevitably crack. And then the cycle of abuse starts again.

You sleep together again. It is so bloody amazing, because you miss him, you miss his big penis with flashing lights that makes the tea and you are are lonely. Dopamine and oxytocin are released in massive amounts, reinforcing the bond with him, the TRAUMA bond. Not a healthy bond. He goes home after he gets his shag and you miss him, he shags some other woman and you notice a strange message on his phone. He shags his ex again and you notice a message. He deletes and denies and still refuses to change his number. You start walking on eggshells. You get upset. He forces you to have sex when you say no. Ermmm.... rape anyone? You end it. He leaves. He waits a few days or a week and texts you and because you are trauma bonded and your brain thinks it needs those chemicals, you take him back.

Wash, rinse, repeat.

Right now I see a woman who is totally out of control. She is powerless. Think of him like Dracula. He clicks his fingers and you allow him to suck more of your blood.

Nope, don't be a doormat, a used object, don't be raped FGS. Reading your other post, it veers on a very thin line of consent. I would say he raped you, and other than the fact that this is not a very nice person to start with, he is a rapist.

Next time your vagina starts to miss him... any part of your body... remember what he did to you when you had thrush recently (other post). He is a cruel bastard.

I have been there chick, I know it feels hard, I still have my ex abuser asking how I am from different numbers. I delete and block. Repeat and repeat. His emails go to Trash. BLOCK HIM. He doesn't care how you are, he cares about his dick.

Now go put the Rocky music on and get a life. One that does not involve him.

Don't even read the emails or texts. They are only bullshit designed to make you take him back.

You are still under Dracula's energy spell. Break it.

Gemma1971 · 05/11/2019 11:59

"But I know he will argue with me and be able to turn me around!

It's just so annoying!"

Yep ... what he is ABLE to do all depends on YOU. But he has the puppet strings and you are the puppet. Don't reply. Abusers love a good fight too. That was my mistake. I love a debate. He loved the fact that he had affected me.. he would say "WOW.... you REALLY love me" and bask in that fact, that he had upset me so much.

What a fucking wanker.. he would win me back because I missed Mr Penis with Flashing Lights I think, then a few days later, be nasty to be and then deny it. Wash, fucking rinse and repeat until I am 90? I think fucking not.

You sound so young from the way you write. Even us oldies get conned though. But with youth on your side you have sooooo much ahead of you. Don't let Dracula take your youth.

Yes it's annoying, but the ONLY thing to do is block all numbers, block emails where possible. Change your number (I did this a while back). He will then email, but change your email as well. In the mean time delete and don't read.

I know you are addicted to some part of this chasing and the highs and lows of the drama. It's why soaps are successful. I used to love them. Interestingly can't stand them now.

Get off the drama, step out of the cycle. Stop using negative words like it's hard, annoying, impossible. You really have to retrain your brain.

I am lucky. Ex twat is several hundred miles away and too mean to pay to come here. Unfortunately for you it is different but it is NOT impossible. Get a vibrator if you miss sex, one like Mr Magic Penis. And exercise vigorously. Helps when you miss sex.

And repeat after me, my ex is a cheat and a rapist. Have you had an STD test?

Gemma1971 · 05/11/2019 12:02

When tempted to go back, you need a huge list of his wrongdoings. Check it every time you miss him or want to reply.

And remember, while he lied to you and told you he cared, he was poking Mr Penis in another woman and also lying to her. Nice....

And this is probably why you had thrush. Get checked out. Chlamidya has no symptoms sometimes.

Gemma1971 · 05/11/2019 12:25

And if you really need help taking those rose coloured specs off that you obviously see him through, remember, you have children. This man forced you to have sex when you were not well.. when you said no... is that the kind of person who should even be in your home? Your home you usually share with your children? Is that the kind of person your children's mother should be spending time with? You know the answer.

Have you heard of Clare's Law?

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread